Dear Zachary: A letter to a Son about his Father

I caught this on msnbc today, and i have to say, this has got to be one of the best documentaries i've seen. I'm usually not a fan of documentary type of films but this has touched me in many ways. i probably can't put my feelings to words as eloquently as the statement of the film maker himself. he's shown us many faces of love, i am brought to tears by the depth of love andrew's parents have for him. their whole life changed the minute andrew was murdered, and yet they fought on, like real fighters, against the canadian justice system, the canadian bail system, to try to extradite the crazy psycho bitch murderer ex-gf of andrew back to US to be tried. they loved andrew so much they dealed with her relentlessly for years, all for the sake of their grandchild. i admire the film directer/writer/producer who made of film for his friend just so he can tell the truth, the whole truth, to some oblivious people like myself who was previously unaware of the whole ordeal until today after work after dinner. but i'm not going to spoil it.

so yes, i highly recommend this film, if you haven't seen it already.


i sincerely hope that, one day, i can touch the lives of so many people like Dr. Andrew Bagby and his parents did.

Bite me!

@7:15 of this episode:

MONICA: Come on Rach, when a guy says he's going to call, it doesn't mean he's going to call. Hasn't it ever happened to you?

RACHEL: Well, they always called.

MONICA: Hmm, bite me.

******************************************************************************

Yes, that's how i feel, most of the time.

I don't think i need to reiterate anymore than i already have how much intense pressure i'm under everytime i'm forced to make an appearance with my sis's. they are perfectly adquately aggreeable but when we do show up together in front of family friends/relatives/strangers everywhere I am forced to retract into my invisible suit completed with a helmet and soundproof glass.Yes i realize that they are unconventionally attractive, as i'm told millions of times in my face or not, and that their perfect skin/stature/style surpasses me 10 times.

which is why its only natural that we live different life experiences.

today and many times before, I would say something about how i can easily tell when a guy likes someone, because they make it pretty obvious. and i dont see how some girls can be oblivious to the fact because guys are pretty easy to read. then of course i was told that "because most guys talk to me, and often for a long time so i can't tell by normal people's standards, because that would mean that everyone likes me." and apparently no one ever ignores her in the hall way, so naturally it's not easy for her to tell whether someone likes her or not.

well, BITE ME THEN. i guess i shouldnt' generalize for most people since i definitely dont live in a world where people cannot bear to ignore me, they would follow me anywhere and i would get hit on by dentists, doctors, grocery store baggers, stereo shop sales people, jewelry designers, and barney's new york saleman. i'm sorry that i'm not called beautiful everyday of my life which makes it hard to distinguish whether people mean it or not (mostly not). I"m sorry that everytime i comment on someone in the store/on the street/ at a restaurant who seems cute and interesting that i'm told "that guy just tried to talk to me."

apparently the only thing god-given i have over my siblings is head above my shoulder which i'm not even sure if it's working anymore considering my struggle with school right now. and intelligence in today's world if anything is a flaw in women rather than a plus. it's almost impossible to find someone who's not slobbering after my friends or my sisters. even a frog would dream to be with a princess, and i happen to fall into the crack in earth that's neither beautiful or hideous, just plain.

Surviving, singleness, holidays.....

*this is in response to a recent incident happened to us*

so if you're single, apparently you can't be left alone.

when some guy who lives 2000 miles away suddenly becomes available you have to make time to go sit and have dinner with him. then your enthusiastic certain relative suddenly finds out that he's not planning to settle down at least for a couple years, and he's not interested in, tw girls.

and then this other 40 year old guy who ALSO lives 2000 miles away becomes available and you are again forced to make dinner plans with him to see if you're a good fit. yes, FLYING to go meet this mysterious someone who is approved by your other relatives enthusiastic to hook you up.

and people tell you left and right that once you cross the big 2-5- or 3-0- you're no longer desirable so if there's someone who wants to marry you better act FAST, even if you risk looking desperate or like that fat kid in gym class who no one picks to be on their team.

you ask: is it worth it? am i THAT hideous? is my life turning into that of the Bennet sisters in Pride and Prejudice, where in your relatives/parents eyes, ANY GUY is a potential and GOD FORBID if you refuse, you will die, lonely, and single, and hold a candle to yourself every christmas for years to come.

IS IT WORTH IT? Heck no! It hasn't happen to me yet and i surely hope it wont. but it's happened to someone who i won't name. but i'm sure pretty soon, that will be my story to tell. whatever happened to free love? whatever happened to fate? whatever happened to "meet cute"? apparently in our case right now it doesn't exist. For me it's FAR from existing. it's true i dont have a valid argument against the enthusiastic relatives/parents of mine that MY SYSTEM is working, because apparently, IT DOESNT. that would explain why i am hanging with mostly girls and sitting home on V-day. but i dont need anyone to remind me that fact that my singlness seems miserable. i know it's an eyesore because it's like skin cancer, i feel it too. but it's definitley not a disability. I constantly have to remind myself that i am only 25, and that my life is not over yet. but people and the world around you can make you feel so old and so hopeless. I definitely did not grow up thinking i'm going to eventually marry a 40 old in my 20s who i dont find physically attractive.

Can't i just have a little hope for true love still?

p.s. if we find your friend attractive (physically or mentally), we'll ask. but if you wouldn't want to date him in your earlier days, neither do we.


*sorry about the visible frustration in the post, i'm studying for finals, and things like these are never pleasant to deal with*

If there is nothing else you want to see in the musical theater......

*back post*

review for Spring Awakening--





See THIS!

I've been wanting to blog about this for some time now, but ever since i spent that only free weekend (with no exam whatsoever) hanging out and doing nothing i haven't had a chance.

Spring Awakening is this new genre of musical theater, written by Duncan Shiek (remember Barely Breathing..ohhhh my knees go soft). the songs throughout are awesome, and very catchy, and the story line brought me to tears. It was about teenage angst and sexuality, and i think it's great for all ages. Mind you, some mind be offended by the crass language "Bitch of living", "Fucked" ....and lots and lots of sexual innuendos. but I think it's not appropriate. It's definitely different, i give you that. As a person who LOVES classical everything especially in the world of musical this has gotta be one of my newest obsession. I still like all the Andrew Lloyd Webber's stuff and Sound of Music and whatnot, but this is a breath of fresh air. My favorite numbers, being "Mama who Bore me" "I believe". The cast is energetic and fun, and when the story turns sorrowful i cried a few tears as well. Oh how it's like to be in love for the first time in your life. Surprisingly it's a adoptation from a 18th/19th century German novel (or something like that). I'm not surprised since there seems to be soo much suppression in the culture. It's interesting because if you think about it, lots of theater is about that era in the history: "sound of music" "Cabaret", "Spring Awakening"....


some highlights:

Mama who Bore me


I believe:


The Word of your Body:


Left Behind (yes, i think Kyle Riabko is awesome with this song)

Robert Pattinson

Yes i'm too old to be having a celebrity crush...i know. but i will need to stare at SOMEONE's face until i get over the doctor, right? (that's my excuse and i'm sticking with it right now.....)

British boys are exponentially cooler...in a very, self-deprecating way.

A collection of quotes ....

If a person isn't comfortable being single at some point in life than they don't truly know their possibilities in life.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-- Robert Frost

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." - Helen Keller

You must make choices, and sometimes, mistakes. To come close to your path, choose with your heart or your desires.

how not to feel like a loser....

I wouldn't know the answer to that. because there are days when i feel completely ok and happy about my relationship status and there are days when i dont. and two things make me feel like a loser today..

I'm contemplating about returning this dress to Express. It's a lovely dress i got about 2 weeks ago, and have yet decided whether I should return it or not. It's made of this beautiful, beautiful lacey material, not the cheap kind. So soft to the touch and is just a all around cute tube dress. When i tried it on i fell in love with it. I like how i look when i'm wearing it. and i can see how it's going to be appropriate for so many cocktail parties. It was just the thing i was looking for, a beautiful, lacey, tiered black dress. and the discounted price was such a deal.

But when it was actually bought and paid for, reality kicked in. When am i REALLY going to wear it? I dont have a date! i haven't been on any date for like, the past EIGHT years. most part of my adult life i've spent being a single person. i dont even remember what it feels like to be on dates anymore. and it's SUCH a date dress. not too revealing, just lovely. The last time i went out with someone, i was so young that no one was really dressing up at that age. we just wore our jeans, no make up, to the nearest burger joint. Neither I nor my ex could afford a nice dinner other than Johnny Rockets. and we SHARED a burger. so in theory, i don't actually know what people do on dates. do you wear that little black dress and wait to be picked up? do you twist your hair and giggle when your date speaks? do you give him a peck on the cheek at the end of the day? how do you make sure that there's a "next" date? i have no idea.

I'm so out of touch with the reality for so long. I envy my girlfriends when they talk about their adventures with guys. I never have that freedom. there are restaurants that are termed as DATE restaurants that i've never been, and there are things like carriage rides on a cold day or a stroll on the beach at night that i never get to do with a date. i feel so deprived.

so that dress has been sitting in its original bag, in its original condition, with tag still attached, because i'm thinking about returning it. I can always use that extra money to get other things i want. Although it really is a good deal for the quality and the cut of the dress. but when am i ever going to wear it? I can't just buy something so i can have it 'on reserve' for dates that may not happen in the next 5 years. by then this beautiful dress will have lost its luster and sit lonely in my closet for years.

the second thing i'm going to get at, is that my only recent crush (from a year ago) has now become something of a past now. because i choose to let it be. It's sad enough to be a 25 year old who still has random crushes on people. and for a crush to last that long, it's REALLY sad. And I'm saying this because I have no real illness i need to get back to the clinic asap, and i'm sane enough to know not to stalk people. I know better to not take it too seriously because like i stated a year ago, it's not professional to fall for someone such as your doc, and it's probably just psychology playing with your head that you think there is something there when there really isn't.

As it turns out, the resident who i saw last year for my abscess on the leg has become a full time doc at student health (he's transferred). so about 3/4 my class has seen him, and girls are going WILD about this doctor who is super nice, good-looking, and down to earth. i'm just hearing praises from left and right about this doctor, and hie personal information because apparently people have been having little chats with him (another thing i'm bad at, around people i like). so i've actually known a lot more about him now than i did before (he's from SD, he went to UCSD...). and the girls were just getting super shy about getting a pap smear from him because he's too cute.

Well, i dont like competitions, and i dont like liking the same person as the rest of the world. it always makes me feel like i am this little grain of sand trying to stand out (dont worry i think i'm perfectly fine), i just always picture my relationship as this one man one woman kind of deal. sort of like Darcy and Elizabeth. there should be no one else. and not like the dating show The Bachelor, where i have to technically show a nipple to get someone's attention.

and because i'm so passive in love, i should return the little black dress which i love so dearly. because i think someone should wear it, and someone should. It's going to be a lot happier being flaunted by its wearer in sexy, romantic restaurants, being complimented on its texture, than sitting in my closet.

It's only monday and i'm stressed already...

Well, i'm guessing it's because working both days of the weekend really sucked. especially when you have a midterm on tuesday. and i have been having one test/week for about 2 months now. so my stress hormone is shooting through the roof. a little recap of my day yesterday:

- pharmacy terribly understaffed, yes, there was only me and my boss. TWO PEOPLE. and she didn't have to ring people up. so i was running back and forth, and i did not pee/step out of the pharmacy for 7 hr. didn't sit down at all, the whole time, working.

- being yelled at by extremely obnoxious bitc*y customers. and yes, i sort of yelled back too. please think twice before you try to yell at me, because when a girl doesn't take her lunch break after 7 hrs of working, you DO NOT want to give her the attitude. i am perhaps the most pleasant person you can encounter at the pharmacy who's willing to help, so if you break THIS last straw, i will make sure you know it.

- being yelled at by MY BOSS. because i started making mistakes, in my hypoglycemic state, after not sitting down for so long and not even taking a break. and it's against the law too, not giving me a lunch a break. i had to finally ask for it so i could go get my lunch at 430 PM!!

- my point being, it sometimes seems ridiculous that i am getting a professional, graduate, doctorate degree. but i'm treated/holding a job feeling worse than a food service worker in the food court at a mall (and i can say this because i've worked cafeteria, and yes, they do get treated better. you get to take your 15 min break for every 3.5 hr of shift and you get your lunch on the house. i can't get jack from the pharmacy, not even a chair to sit on).

- my boss, who often works through her lunch break, or if she does take her lunch, she eats crap (like crackers in the back. and she's not the only person who does it). i'm sorry to say this, but for heaven's sake, have some respect for yourself! have a higher quality of life! i dont care if you chose retail so that you can be close to home and take care of your family, or because the salary is good, or whatever reason. a job is a job is a job. everyone needs a 1 hr break at least, sitting down, and a decent meal. this is why they created labor laws in the first place, so we are not all working like illegal immigrants (this is a metaphor of speech), being stripped away our rights as human beings.

So on the way home, in extreme frustration, i heard this song:


it's is a little piece by Maurice Ravel called Gaspard de la Nuit. then my spirit was lifted. not a whole lot, but lifted.

of course at times like this i think about how i should just go out and marry the next man or whatever i see who expresses the least interest in me. and not having to support myself ever. and not having to worry about how i still have to exceed professionally after i graduate and make my way to the top of a respectable pharma company. i think about the church bells in europe and sadly, i can't picture a face (any face) in my life right now who is remotely likely to propose to me. i hate to sound like golddiggers who think that marriage is the easy way out, but sometimes, you get really tired, from life.

So many nights....

doesn't this song make you want to dance around? well, it DID make me dance around....;) in the house. Yes, i spend SO MANY NIGHTS in front of my notes studying for exams.....very closely reflects my life as a grad student right now.

However, it was a good weekend that I had. Although there is yet another exam to study for (and another one, another one after that...etc.) i've had some really good fun. Here's a really quick recap:

Friday EARLY morning:
Left the house at 520AM to head to VA West LA (a hospital). I was shadowing the pharmacy resident for a day. So i had to attend two rounds with him and the physicians, which turned out to be an eye-opening experience in many ways. For one, it wasn't as intimidating as i thought it would be. Surprisingly, the method we are taught at school actually closely resembles how they actually debrief about a patient, so i was able to catch on with whatever that's going on. They had 2 interns, one resident, and one case manager for 24 beds. The sad part is, the pharmacist actually doesn't seem to be as involved as i think. Bascially we were just spectators of the doctor's conversations. they didn't really ask for our input on anything. :/ probably the downside of hospital pharmacy, i'm guessing. however, i'd still rank it higher than community if i had to choose. Left the site at 1pm, EXHAUSTED.

Friday night= Halloween night!
Well, it wasn't actually halloween, but we went to Universal Studio for their annual Halloween haunt. It was my first time there, so i didn't know what to expect. It turned out to be a pretty fun experience, not super scary. the theme throughout the part is jason/Texas Chainsaw. So you would see monsters chasing girls around with these almost realistic chainsaws that made loud noises. pretty freaky i guess. Except i'm really not a big fan or western scary movies. So while they tried their hardest to scare me, i didn't even wink. ;) haha, but the tram part was quite fun. We took the famous tram tour down to the studio lot, and at one point they dropped us all off so we could walk through the sets of the famous Batz Motel from Psycho, War of the World set...etc with different monsters chasing us around. Definitely a very entertaining experience. One of the highlights of the night was probably the SIMPSON'S RIDE. it was mind-blowingly fun. They replaced the Back To the Future Ride with this, and although the wait was excruciatingly long, but it WAS SO WORTH IT! although it was a simulator ride, i felt like i was really flying through air with the Simpsons.

Saturday = old roommie get-together at Phoenix. Yum.

Sunday = study day
I traveled out to West LA to study with a close friend. And i started talking about my struggles this year. and i normally feel guilty about whining, so i wasn't planning to do it for long. But she was giving me some very constructive opinions. I understand that everybody has their own worries, so i hate to overwhelm them with mine. But she was actually able to put everything in perspective for me. I need to break the cycle of talking myself down. I gotta realize that if i try harder, i will get there. Maybe other people get it right away, but that doesn't mean i will never achieve my goal, it's just taking me longer and more effort. But i should try to get as close to my goal as possible. I need to look at things as if i can DO IT. and not like it's just another class i may fail. I've already committed my self to this. whether i like it or not, i need to look at it like i MADE THIS CHOICE, and i have to stick with it.


It's going to take a while for my ambitious self to come back, but it will come back. I know it will.

The Ting Tings

Great DJ (a great song)


Shut Up and Let Me Go



That's not My Name

more great music after a good day....:)

This one is not able to be embedded. :(

Black kids- I'm not gonna teach your bf how to dance with you


MGMT - Time to Pretend


So basically, I work up to study with a friend at coffeebeans..then we headed to Coner Bakery for some late lunch...i hate a yummy Breakfast Panini with some seasoned pomme de terre..and got a facial to clear up my face, which was VERY relaxing i actually fell asleep!


Je aime la music d'Indie sur Le Mouv!

kick ass indie music i heard on Le Mouv

awesome song from Camille called "Gospel with no Lord"



The Virgins- Rich Girls

Quelque chose francais que je l'aime.....

So i FINALLY had the chance to watch Amelie (yes THAT Amelie from 10 years ago). We've had the DVD for years and i never saw it, but considering i need as much help as possible with my listening comprehension i finally took it out and played it.

the movie was cute in some ways, and very french in others. I have to say that after a while you can sort of get tired of this "formula' if you call it that, just as one would with the hollywood formula. i suppose I am conditioned to the fast paced of hollywood movies, so that the fact they have a million characters leading different lives and enjoying a million simipler things in life does not help.

It took so excruciatingly long for Amelie to finally be with the one she loves, at first, i was on the edge of my chair. 'just tell him! just get it over with already' i thought, or " yeah like you're going to fall in love with a complete stranger like that". but then at the end of the movie, i actually feel like i can see my own reflection in it or the way she deals with love. I too fall too easily for people I hardly know and cling on that for the longest time, without even knowing too many things about them. In my head they are all wonderful and lovely and nothing can go wrong, and that they secretly too are wishing a girl of their dreams is somewhere waiting for her. It's fun to crush on people from a distance, because you never have to get close enough to get hurt. And they are never egocentric and never a jerk. But when i finally have any opportunity to talk to them or REALLY find out how they are, i turn into stone.



So this is how it ends.

could it be possible that i am lucky enough to find such a person?

"Elle est amoureuse."
"Depuis quand?"
"Depuis toujours."

********************************************************************

Then i have this urget to really find a good online french radio station to help me with my learning, and landed this one. It has about half and half hottest english/french indie music. just the one i need. :)

The Love Guru and Sarah Bareilles

Ok, first of all, a grand slam of a picture from the movie Love Guru. why? well, because I am somewhat of a (ironically) love guru to many of my girlfriends. people ask me questions which i think are easy to see the solution of, but are not so clear to people who are involved. I don't think i always come up with the best answers, but i always try to give logical one at least. Maybe because of my lack of relationship actually gives me that degree of freedom to think emotionlessly. but i have to say that I always learn something about how far girls are willing to go to preserve a relationship, while their bf's, dont want anything to do with it.

Case in point, today I was having one of those heart-to-heart moments with a girlfriend of mine. and she explained to me why she sort of stopped seeing her long-time bf who she's also in a long distance relationship with. Basically, she fell for someone at work...you know what i think about intraoffice/intraclass dating..the answer is NO! Anyway, so she got close to this guy, and they had a really fun month together and decided to get together before she went away for the summer internship. And now that she's back, he actually is telling her things like he feels bad about being inferior to her careerwise (she's in professional school, and he's still waiting to get in), and he thinks it's unfair for her to "wait for him" while he's still trying to go somewhere professionally, and he doesn't even know if he would get in. He wants her to feel free to date other people if she wants to. because ultimately that's the best decision for her.

Aww, such a nice guy, right? NO! Where do guys now adays learn this BS? from the school of "how to break up with someone and still manage to sound like a gentleman"? THIS is the kinda crap that's making girls unable to move on because they feel that they "want' to wait for you out of their free will and they will still hang out with you late night because they believe that there's still feelings left, it's just that their boyfriends need to settle professionally before they can go out again. I hate to break it to you, but from what i can translate, his big speech boils down to one thing "I WANT OUT". As heartless as this might sound, when someone breaks up with you, he doesn't like you enough. it doesn't matter if he does it because he's the president of the US and he doesn't have time for you ----he just doesn't like you enough, plain and simple. Look at it this way, if you REALLY like someone and can see yourself married to the person, would you even risk it by suggesting that you take a 'break'? because this break, can turn into a permanent one, and you lose the person forever. 10 out of 10 times i hear a little speech like that the guy and the girl never get back together. it really is just a way to let you down easy. so next time he calls at 2am in the morning wanting to hang out, tell him no. since he's decided to move on and do better things with his time while he "figures his life out", you've done the same too. There's a lot of blind dates await. No time for this grey-area dance.

That really makes me sound like such a loveless feminist.

But the main reason I dont put up with A-holes, is because i am not an a-hole. and A-holes definitely dont deserve my crying over him in sleep or wasting my precious time before exams to get jealous over some other girl. I have so much to give as a person and a girlfriend. I hate all dramas, and i cook fairly well and i'm willing to cook for my significant other and i'm up for anything fun. I really dont think people who are masochists deserve to step all over me. so i only want NICE BOYS (who, by the way are all taken, or have vanished from earth at least from where i stand).

Then i was at this fun concert over the weekend:


Sara Bareilles is this cute girl from UCLA who came up with songs like 'Love Song' or 'Fairy Tale' which are extremely cute and catchy. So i was lucky enough to get these tickets from my friend to see her at The Wiltern (and we went to this yummy Mr. Pizza Factory before, but i digress). and her opening bands were wonderful, but when Sarah came on it was a riot! She was so personable! but the funny thing is, right before she gets into every song she would talk about her inspiration for each one. And it's always along the lines of "i was in love with a guy who was in love with someone else", or " I walked in on my bf who was cheating on me"....

and she was such a CUTE GIRL! I mean she is so talented, has a great voice, and i very pretty...if a girl like her has to fall hard so many times, then there sure as hell isn't any chance for the rest of us. Probably not the most encouraging thing to realize. :/

by the say, here's a link to her music video.

wow..

https://www.labite.com/PFW_Restaurants.asp

I saw a commercial just now on foodnetwork. and apparently, living single is easier than i thought now. Thank god for the convenient restaurant services!

Ok trust me i dont mean it in a bitter way, but apparently, as I just discovered through the website, you can order pretty much anything around your house (if you live in the greater LA) that you can possibly think of, delivered right to your door. I used to think that, on days when i have to study for exams or when i just simply dont feel like putting on a presentable shirt to go out, my only choice is the food i make (and 9/10 times my fridge is empty), or i have to order from that same Thai delivery place I always order from. But imagine this, not having to wear any make up at all and enjoying the best foods in your neighborhood. The choices you can find are things like Armenian, mexican, american, japanese,Italian...and all very nice restaurants too! I think i'm gonna order myself a sushi roll with tempura ice cream after my final on monday! delivered right to my doorstep, HA!

The only catch is, for some of the restaurants, you need a minimum of $20 order, which can be easily achieved when you have 2 people, or when you want to order extra for the week to come (I know, i'm classic Bridge JOnes syndrome).

little joys in life...:)

you cannot pay me enough to stay awake

well...that pretty much sums it up. I'm spending my entire weekend at home trying to study for the final, and my skin is flaring up due to the intense stress...and yet i still manage to find time to doze off....so i blog to stay awake.

you can put a gun to my head right now and i can still fall asleep. ugh this boring sh*t...i am too old for this. I am pretty much like a senior citizen at a convalescent home with the tv on. Coffee sounds like such a good idea right now. except i dont actually HAVE a coffee maker!

one more thing on my wish list:
a real nice coffee maker that comes with little pouches you can stick in and makes only one cup at a time, and comes with the foam steamer so i can make some real nice foam for my latte.

As if life isn't hard enough already aka Weekend trip in SD

Well, I've always liked SD, ever since the minute i graduted from there. So this weekend, since there's no one around, i decided to pay my ex roommie a visit. and the trip was a journey both physically and emotionally. and here's why:

The goods:

- Brunch at The Eggery: It's another cute place in SD where you can enjoy a fine breakfast and just kick it with your friends. Of course, i can't say enough how much i love breakfast places, this is definitely a new favorite, right after The Cottage in La Jolla, Broken Yolk in PB, and Kono's in PB. I shared an order with my friend, so we had some SUPER yummy cashew blueberry pancakes, and some frittatas (apparently the european open face omelettes) with eggy potatoes on the side and some strawberry smoothies. yum.

- scootering and swimming in Pacific Beach: a nice sunny day, and much less crowded than LA beaches. The water was cold, and we didn't feel like trying anything sporty at all. took an easy afternoon.

- Beer Tasting at Carl Strauss Brewing Co. in La Jolla: kinda fun, you get 6 double shots of different beers to see which you like the best, plus one oktoberfest special. in the end, i only finished 3 of them. The dark beers just ain't my thing. so i stopped after i finished all the light/blonde beers. was definitely glad that i had the garlic parmasian fries to wash it down. ;)

- Hanging with my roommie's roomies/friends: Very nice people, very interesting conversation, but i will get into that later.

- Dinner at Bing Crosby's in Fashion Valley

The Bad:

- Dinner at Bing Crosby's: I know, i listed it twice. I really want to say that i enjoyed the dinner, but it turned out to be a experience i wasn't too happy with. we heard it was new in town, and was supposed to be a nice restaurant/piano lounge where they play good jazz. So we went, and it turned out to be somewhat pricier than we had originally expected. But we had a reservation, and we had already sit down. at this point everyone was sort of unsure of what to do. I hadn't eaten at all, so i was going to just order the cheapest option--pasta. but most people came after having already eaten. and then no body wanted to order anything. and then we were just awkward to the waiter too because he didn't know what exactly was going on with our table either. then someone proposed ordering some wine to share, and i agreed. the rest of the people got desserts and whatnot. so when the bill came, i proposed to put it on my card and they could pay me back. but then NOBODY DID! only my roommie gave me 10 bucks back. i was already pretty irritated, but since iw as a guest in town, and they did drive me aroudn the whole day, i couldnt' really say anything. But REALLY PEOPLE, this is actually a really rude thing to do, both to the server and to me. because "I' picked up the tab, and i had to meet the server's expectation so i had to still tip him 20%. so essentially "I" paid for the wine, 2 entrees, and 2 desserts and the tip. It made me feel like it was just a mistake for us to go last night. I couldn't even enjoy the music at all because i was just feeling mortified/uncomfortable/irritated throughout. Lesson learned: date restaurants are reserved for dates ONLY and girlfriends who you know are willing to split the tab with.

onto more reflections from the trip......

今天有點宅 (j'suis un peu triste)

I've realized that, after reading for 3 hours on how the blood coagulates, and what medications are used to control that, that the major source of my stress is simiply, you just CANNOT love this stuff and do it 24 hrs a day.

Technically i don't stuf 24 hours a day, but d/t the high volume of material we go over everyday and the number of tests we have, when i'm not studying i feel like i should. the thought occupies my mind at all times. When i cook, when i sleep, when i'm on my way to school, when i see the test result, and when i go out and have fun with my friends. I simply cannot get the idea out of my head.

It would be nice, to just take a break perhaps forever, from this madness. I mean, really, it's fun when you watch Scrubs, and you think to yourself, what i'm doing is actually very relevant to the human race and the well being of the general public. and i must say that, medical shows like ER, Grey's Anatomy, House, and Private Practice, give you the sense of hope that while in the healthcare profession, you will encounter attractive individuals everywhere, so your lovelife outside of school isn't bad at all. Afterall, you can always hit up the bar after work with your fellow residents.

but the reality is, the intense pressure from school is giving me bad skin as i sit here and type this, and i've been eating crap for the past two days because i just didn't really have time or the drive to cook myself a nice meal. so i've finally hit the point where i cannot stand it anymore, and went to the market and bought everything i needed to eat for the next 2 days, and cooked chicken veggie soup, before i gain more weight from the crap i've been eating.

The truth is, I should really consider brushing my hair when i go out and get groceries, so i dont look so scary in the checkout line.

a little discouraged

well, it's only the second week of school and i've had one midterm already, and i'm already feeling pretty down, like usual. mainly because i found out how i did on the midterm, and it was not good. so i'm feelign this immense pressure to REALLY do well next time. but 5 min into reading i'm ready to throw in the towel. that sort of explains my situation.

I am not sure why, i've also felt that i dont retain information as well as i did before. I always have this feeling that i'm not very bright and i'm pretty slow compared to the rest of my classmates. just this feelign of incompetency. I feel that everyone knows everything we need to know because they have this immense passion in the profession, and i on the other hand, am just dragging my feet forward. And therefore I dont remember the formulas i should know, the table i should memorize, the names of drugs, and sometimes my own work schedule. and i do want to stop complaining because at one point i did want this. i want a career i'll enjoy having, and i want more in life and the feeling of accomplishment. but i can honestly say now that i am a very, very discouraged person.

Vegas and some morbid thoughts...

ok, let's talk about the happy part of my Labor Day weekend:

It didn't start out happy, I did have to say goodbye to my parents after 2 fabulous of summer fun and time together, before they actually left. My friends came to pick me up so we could go to vegas, so i was actually leaving FIRST. It was hard at the door, knowing i wouldn't be able to see them off when i come home. but i stayed strong.

then once we hit the road, the feelings were much better. After 4 hours we were in the sin city (2nd time for me in 3 months). I was really expecting some good fun this time, since i've always been doing family fun stuff and not really grown up adult entertainment. There were 8 of us, and we stayed at NYNY. our ambitious plan was that, we would check out two of the fancy clubs in town, and spend some time at the pool, and lots of good food.

So the first day we got there, we went to Wynn for their buffet. Which was exceptionally good. except that i couldn't eat much, cuz i was just so full from the afternoon snack (a Jodie maroni Hot dog combo). there was crab legs, shrimp cocktail, the best pastas in town, sushi, creme brulee and sorbet for dessert. YUM.

Then we started going from hotel to hotel, trying to get passes to their clubs. i'm not much of a clubber, but i like to do it as a touristy thing, like been-there-and-done-that kinda thing. The clubs in vegas are supposed to be really fancy, and it was just fun to people watch and dance with your gf's, so that's my excuse.

WE managed to find a few passes, and went back and changed and headed to JET in Mirage...and the horror began:
when we walked in the door, the line was just non-existent. not in the sense that there was no line going in, there was just NO LINE. there was a mob of people just surrounding the entrance, and the bouncers were guarding the door like bulldogs. we were there for the longest time, trying to figure out a system that would get us in. it seemed liek everyone had a vip pass, so our passes really wouldnt' do us any good. and hotness wise, vegas is full of boobs, if you haven't already noticed, and lots and lots of long, endless legs, so we definitely didn't stand out in any way, and i wasn't about to pull a slutty move to catch the bouncer's attention....so we waited and waited til one of our friends tipped the bouncer a whole lot, and were finaly let in..then 2 ppl from our group werent allowed in. so we were in this total state of confusion, because they (guys) just can't get in without girls. everyone was already in a pissy mood then, they ended up having to pay more...blah blah blah. what a horrible adventure. i realy can't see how people club like it's a sport, too much pride is on the line in my opinion.

The club itself was very fancy. there were 3 rooms, and the speakers were loud and clear, so much that i thought i was experiencing arrhythmia, from all the bumping and vibrating. we danced the whole time, moving from room to room, until we were pretty satisfied/tired, then dragged our tired asses home.

The next day we woke up to go to the pool. we got there early enough to secure 4 chairs, then we basicaly just took turns going in the water. since there wasn't much asian representation, i had a pretty hard time taking my shirt off...to flaunt the nothingness underneath it. well, i was determined to swim, so that was what i did. we had fun swimming around, and just lying in the sun reading my notes from school. good times.

We had a show to watch at 7pm, so we had a quick lunch at Il Fornaio and then got ready for the show. which was LOVE by cirqe du soleil....

probably the best show i've seen in a while. probably the best of cirque du soleil in my opinion. if anyone is thinking about seeing a show in vegas, i would definitely give this a try. there were many music numbers, one after another, and you jsut feel like you are brought back to the 60s and the whole psychedelic experience. every song was interpreted perfectly. everything was so imaginative, and i loved the happiness and the sadness of it all. the songs were catchy and easy to understand for any beatles fan of laymen. i especially loved the dialogue they incorporated in the show and the huge projection on the sash screen and the huge bed that rose from center stage that covered everyone up with the bed sheet.

AFter the show, we headed out to the Bellagio, and tried to get into The Bank, which is another club invention in Bellagio. this time there was the chaos again, and i was in no mood to wait forever in my heels. luckily, the bouncers were nice and actually took us in right away when they saw us. we didn't even have to wag our tails. However, we got in so early that there was hardly anyone, so we left 20 min later. what a waste of our vip passes. :P but my feet were killing me.

Our day ended with Bar in Time Square in NYNY. it was a piano bar, with the guys singing the catchy oldies that really revved the crowed up. the atmosphere was relaxed and fun, and we just sat outside and watched.

it was really a wonderful trip, except that i always can't help but feel a little morbid after a wonderful something. but i suppose i will update that tomorrow after my midterm..:P.

a much delayed post...on Speed Dating

I am SO owing myself a bunch of posts which i should have written long ago. This is one of them, on my speed dating adventure which occurred last tuesday. YES, i went speed dating, very sad. But actually it wasn't as bad as i had thought. I sort of decided on a whim because I kept getting these newsletters, and I thought what the heck, it's summer, and i've never tried this before. From talking to my girlfriends they were interested too so we all signed up...hence the story:

After I left work at 6pm my friends and I met at the Tangier Lounge. The traffice actuallly got so bad that I was in a terrible mood when I finally got there because i was 15 minutes late to the event. When we were finally greeted by the coordinater he assigned us numbers and had us sat at a table so the guys can rotate and come around. So basically, we all had a chance to talk to all the guys there.

And my thought on the whole event? probably not the best place to meet single, interesting guys. They weren't as weird as i thought they would be, but they werent' the atheletic, good looking, ambitious, eloquent guys one hopes to find either. There were a couple who were MORE interesting than others, like the chef who works for Cheesecake Factory, the elementary school teacher, the jewelry designer..etc. These were actually people who i wouldn't mind hanging out with. But there were also the ones who are just plain weird who meditate all the time, who is a big clubber, who is awefully quiet, who is very creepy...so don't get your hopes up. :P

And the result? Well, i didn't circle yes for anybody. The way it works is that you can say yes/no to everyone you meet. if you and him both say yes to each other a match is made, and you will receive each other's contact via e-mail. and if one of you says no, then it's not working out. So i said no to everyone not because i thought everyone was lame. I just couldn't see myself actually 'dating' any of them. there's a difference between wanting to be friends, and wanting to be hold hands/kiss someone. most of the guys here look like they are 30 something maybe close to 40, there's even one who admitted that he is going through a divorce and has two kids (what the hell was he doing there??). And i really can't say that i dream of hooking up with someone who's the average age of me and my dad's. So i'm only using this experience to say that i've "tried this and done that".

Was it fun? yes and no. you get to talk to everyone for about 5 minuites before they have to move on. but not enough impression to make you want to go out with them exclusively again. Would I do it again? Let's hope not. I'm still hoping that in the coming years i'll meet someone when i pick up one glove of a pair at a department store (see movie Serendipity). ;D

County Fair and the weekend ahead

Yes it's only monday and i'm already blogging about the coming weekend..:P Well, it's not just ANY weekend, it's the weekend we've all been waiting for since...well, well, since a long time ago. :) Partly due to the size of the wedding, and people who are going to be in it, the location of the wedding, and how big of a deal it is going to be for all of us. It's officially the end of monday now and only 3 more days ahead before I have to leave to attend this wonderful wedding in a vineyard. So much to look forward to!

And about this past weekend, which was not nearly long enough, I had to go in for a shift, but at the end of a tiring day, we made it up by going to Stinking Rose:
The Stinking Rose

The day after, I've decided to visit the Orange County Fair, aka OC fair. This is the only county fair in the area i haven't made it to. I am such a big fan of any type of fairs, and county fair is a must-do in the summer.
The OC Fair

To sum it up, there were lots of food, bbq and fried. You can always count on county fairs to find some fried twinkies, fried zucchini's, lots of baked potatos, baby back ribs, hot link sausages, tri tips, pork butts, mexcian foods, bbq corn on the cob (yummy!), and FUNNEL CAKE...of course, there's the mariachi band performance, some good ol' animal shows, contests, product showcase, and rides. we always have to do a couple of roller coasters to end the day. and i spent my last tickets on shooting the balloon with one dart and got something! a very fun day indeed.

And the picture of the piggies, well, they were all fighting to get a spot to nap next to their mother, after a good ol' meal of sucking on you-know-what. ;) I swear i want to get a pet piglet. (;_;)

jobs that pay the rent

Well, the title is really a metaphor. i kinda live at home, so as of now the situation is rent-free. but i'm talking about in general, in comparison, you always realize what your priority is when you've had different job that suck in different ways.

When i was a freshman in college i used to HATE my job at Summit, which is a school cafeteria that serves really great food. That was probably my favorite one on campus and i was glad i was working there and not somewhere else. And I made some great friends when i was working there who have become my best friends. However i disliked my shifts a lot. Mainly because it was sort of like my first job, and i never had to be on my feet for so long (~ 5 hrs) and serving food in intense heat and smelling like the station i worked at (chinese, pizza, grill, ice cream, turkey sandwich, dishroom..you name it). And i had it when i was going through a breakup so i remembered the day after i was broken up, i still went in to work, and during the downtime i just felt like crying standing there. But i liked the atmosphere, just not the standing and my minimum wage. It got better after i got better shifts like cashiering. but still i knew i didnt want a job standing up, and i've developed such great respect for food industry workers (and therefore hate rude customers who act rude).

And then when i got my job at the lab, it was a lot easier and better than working at the restaurant. I only hated the commute, because i didn't have a car at the time and waiting for the bus to come and spending another 20 min on the bus just take up even more time than the time i spent working in the lab. It wasn't a horrible job, but i dont think i appreciated it enough. it did give me this one summer working with and having the priviledge of knowing this really hot summer intern in my lab. He had the most amazing eyes and a great smile to match and was just all over gorgeous. and he ended up taking a summer class in my genetics class and came to sit with me every time (well, i was a REALLY big dork then)! to this day i still can't believe we studied together which almost caused me immediate seizure on the spot out of nervousness, but that's another story to tell.

So the job at the lab was pretty laid-back. But when i had the ultimate job -- being a note-taker for a bio class -- that was the easiest $10/hr i ever made. you basically show up to class, type everything up, and sell it to the class, period.

So now i'm realizing that i am testing my endurance to the maximum with the current job i hold. i hate it when i have to be there, not 5 to 6 hrs. NINE hours at the pharmacy. According to california law you're entitled to a 15 min break per 4 hrs of working. well, not happening at this pharmacy. you're there till your lunch time then you're back for the rest of your shift. and no chairs.

when i look back to the days i complained about working in the dishroom for 4 hrs and having occasionally rude customers, i think THAT is heaven now (for reasons listed in my previous posts, relating to my current complaints of the job at the pharmacy).

It's funny how when you look back in life you realize how easy you had it then. Right now, my priority in life, is to find a job sitting down. and being able to actually eat my lunch in peace. when you look at the popped veins on my legs you'd know why.

in a way i can't wait til my summer is over, so that i can stop having to work extended shifts and actually sit my ass down in a chair for 6 hours listening to boring lectures. :P

(somehow that just sounded very negative, but i really meant it in a very appreciative manner.....)

my latest celebrity crush

Well, okay, i know by posting this, i'm officially admitting that i'm a single woman with nothing better to do than updating my celebrity crushes. but i'm only doing it for the clothes!

So i've been in love with Sienna Miller's non-chalant style for the longest time. I love how she's able to throw together pieces of simple designs and makes something stylish out of them. You dont even need expensive clothes to pull it off. she looks nice in long, unkempt hair, as well as short, messy 'do's. i can't tell you how many times i was tempted to just chop off my hair just look that carefree. but luckily, i haven't. i might one day, but i suppose i have to be crazy enough. because my features are just not the same. and my skin has to clear up first, but i digress. :P

However, during the past few months, she has turned into a really, really irritating someone who i'd really like to hate. Not because of her style changed. she still looks amazing, as i last checked on her website. It's the life style she leads, jumping from one 'husband of others' to another. and i'm having a hard time liking someone whose morals i don't agree with. so i've sorta started developing this girl crush for someone else.

Her name is Blake Lively. And she's been in movies like Sisterhood of traveling pants and most recently, Gossip Girl on CW. and as much as i hate the idea of the show, talking about a bunch of NY high schoolers screwing each other while in designer clothes, which is pretty far from reality. however regardless of the content of the show, she is one naturally pretty blond. and i like her clothes on and off the show which are so chic and elegant.

so she has officially become my new girl crush, and she was born in '87, i know. so sad. :(

Week update: some eating, more eating, and the beach

There wasnt' much going on this week, except that i have work on thurs and saturday (and thankfully eventless shifts), it was nice and relaxing. A few things worth noted:

French Class:
turns out that, even though i had taken the placement test and should be at a higher level, Berlitz screwed it up again. I had to wait 2 weeks before i attended my first class (and asked for these days off work), and it turned out to be a BEGINNER's class. They were actually starting from the VERY, VERY basic stuff like "how are you" and the colors. I was majorly pissed off and asked that the rest of my lessons be turned into tutor hours. I might just get these hours over with and be done with Berlitz. I have waited thus far for my summer french class and it's already the end of july and NOTHING really happened for me. I do not and will not recommend this institution to another. and by looking at their textbook it's not as well arranged as the one they used at the community college which i attended. I have to say most of the knowledge i have of the language comes from the class i took at PCC 3 years ago. LOVED my teacher who was so nice and passionate about france and french culture and she made it so fun!

Lola's:
http://www.lolasla.com/
went there with a pharm class mate. a very nice relaxing evening, the server was extremely friendly and upbeat, and the martini's were so yummy! i had the peach puree and strawberry field martinis. highly recommended for a girl's night out thing. had a real fun time catching up with my single girlfriend.

Tahoe Galbi:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/tahoe-bbq-los-angeles
went there on wed night because a friend had invited me. it was a very nice and upbeat korean bbq place that serves all you can eat. there were 3 other guys and two girls who were really cool and funny. except i wasn't particularly into dating any of them. :P

Mi Piace:
http://www.mipiace.com/

Venice Beach:
It was such a fun day at the beach. we all woke up to go to this really nice brunch place in downtown venice beach called Rose Cafe:
http://www.rosecafe.com/
i probably blogged about this place before. i'm glad my parents also enjoyed their omelettes and deli selections. We then headed down to the beach and rented a body board to play in the water a bit. i am still TERRIBLE at it and drank lots of of water. :P it was so salty i swear something was going to shoot out of my nose, and the fact that my swimsuit bottom had become very lose did not help!i was probably butt naked half of the time. :P sorry to have flashed everyone! but it was fun to just hang with my sisters and spent quality time together. I'm glad we finally get to do this!

Orris:
http://www.orrisrestaurant.com/
Yummy, yummy, yummy frech/japanese fusion restaurant. We came here right after the beach because my parents were here a couple days ago and wanted to share this nice place with us. has very created fusion food, some of the more memorable: Baked Romain lettus with shaved parmasian cheese on it; trio of smoked salmon croquette, Rose wine from La cote Bleue; lamb Loin; ravioli with shrimp paste and shitake mushroom...etc. everything comes in tapas size so you get to try ONE BITE of everything. ;) and then i just realized that this place is actually right next to the karaoke place and the milk tea place where i have hung out wiht friends before. Everything looks so different in day light.

Weird happening:
On the way walking to Orris, some car was honking at us as we crossed the street. I didn't think we broke any law but turned around to look anyway. As it turned out, some guys in an SUV thought they saw me last time at a club! What the Heck?! I haven't clubbed in ages! and i dont even like clubs! and i dont even look like a scantily dressed clubber?! and this is NOT the first time i've gotten asked/recognized for such things before. there must be a body double of myself roaming around in my city doing unspeakable things. Show thyself before you ruin my reputation out there! >_<

a repetitive one

so just got back from work 2 hrs ago (it's midnight right now), am feeling the same feelings as i've always felt, drained, discouraged, and sad. i'm beginning to repeat myself in every post now.

- a doctor who CLEARLY knew he couldn't write himself a prescription for controlled medications was trying to trick me into filling the meds for him. what an asshole. and i was all trying to be helpful. clearly he was taking me along for the ride. even the pharmacist said that. very very gullible of me.

- irate patients who are rude and talk down to you

- boss telling me i need to be more careful with the cash register because apparently, the numbers don't match up when i cashier. (and i have no friggin idea why)

- boss PMSing (history repeating itself again)

- overtly PDA couple trying to show me how much they love each other, usually something like a old white man and his asian lady.

- few attractive patients, if there is any, usually picking up something for their herpes or mental medications or viagra, or picking up somethign for their wives/kids/girlfriends

there ARE a few heart-warming perks, though, in this darkness:

- some people are pleasant and understanding enough and share my pain and always comfort me about the asses i had to deal with before them.

- few people who are gracious enough to thank me by my name (they spotted it on my badge). very sweet gesture.

- the latino guy who works in the front of the store. (maybe it's not a bad idea to just give in to this ray of sunshine in my life)....even if he's 18!!! (j/k i dont really know. will have to find out)

So yeah, you think you study hard and go through school to try to be a professional, and the crap you have to deal with like your degree doesn't matter, makes you doubt your choices every day.


and i'm repeating myself, i know.

i'm in a mexican state of mind

So...since I came back from my mini vacation, i haven't completely snapped out of the vacation mode. especially when work gets really crazy, and i wish that i'm still lying on the chaise next to the pool or frolicking on the beach. :p 16 hour of the night shift can bring you back to reality. :P

However, a few interesting things have happened over the past two days at work:

-i was scheduled with this SUPER clueless pharmacist who didn't know how to do anything and i was stuck with all the work..while she casually read her book on herbal medicine. -_-

-Then someone conveniently called in sick today, so AGAIN i was super overworked because there were only the two of us there again. -_-

- someone came in for her medications for infections down there, and the nurse ordered the wrong medication for her. so she broke down in front of me crying...saying how stupid the nurse was..because she could't get her meds. a COMPLETE BRIZILLA. she kept calling that nurse retarded and stupid and using other expletives. i dont understand how brizillas are married off and i'm not. ;)

- this really gross couple came in (i mean this really old white guy and his asian gf who didn't speak much eng) i know i know..i'm being harsh but i just dont like guys with that fetish! and so he proudly announced that he's a doctor and he would like to write a prescription for himself. all the while massaging each others backs. for heaven's sake, can't you at least separate for a second?? and so i had to supress the urge of projecting vomit, and they walked off still rubbing each other's backs.

- this guy trying to get his condoms..and the shelf was locked so he asked me for the key. i didnt' know there WAS a key for the condom shelf..so i had him take me to that section and he was pointing out this Trojan MAGNUM. i was trying so hard not to laugh. its hilarious how trojan makes these funny names like Her pleasure and His pleasure and Enhanced pleasure. and I believe Magnum is for XL people having their Magnum sex. the sound of it just makes me want to laugh. this is why you know doctors/nurses/pharmacists/any healthcare professional do laugh after you leave if you happen to have some embarrassing disease. sadly i'm not very professional yet. :P

ok i'm officially updating my trip in Cabo tomorrow! :-)

thanks for the initiative...people :P

this is a post reflecting on some very current and bizarre comments i hear these days...thanks for providing the initiative for me to date/get married...-_-

So yesterday I was visiting my dermatologist for my skin problems. And like always, I waited forever before i was finally seen. And usually we keep our conversation to the minimum, because she's always been busy and kind of impersonal. I have to honestly say that I didn't like my dermatologist very much for these reasons.

So half way through my treatment, she got a call on her cell, and she stepped out of the room to answer it. before she left, i was told that it was her attorney, at which point i thought "wtf!" she better not be in some kind of malpractice lawsuit. which made me feel uncomfortable thinking something might happen to my face as well.

When she came back, she told me that she had to answer it cuz she was actually going through a divorce. From that point on it was like a flooded gate just opened. She started telling me that the ophthamologist who co-run the clinic with her (who also has his commercial on tv) was her husband. One day out of the blue he decided to get a girlfriend, and my doc for the longest time tried to ignore it but in the end didn't think she deserved it. So they are getting a divorce.

Then all the unanswered questions have been answered. I thought these two doctors were both attractive, and have wondered if they were classmates who opened the practice together, it turned out that they were actually MARRIED. And the ophthamologist has always been a really attractive man, not that i was attracted to him, but i could tell he was good looking for his age. Too bad he had to find that mid-life validation like all other men who cheated.

So i felt genuinely bad for my doc, who i almost never spoke about anything other than my skincare routine. She then told me she has two kids, one 10 and one 7 y/o who are both adorable. And she was married for 10 years to her soon to be ex-husband. She asked me if i was seeing someone, and i told her the honest truth that it's been a long time since i had gone out. and the relationship ended for reasons i could never know. She then immediately made the conclusion that there must have been someone else, because no relationship would end without a third party. honestly i dont think i care anymore because my ex isn't even worth a synapse of my nerve cells, and i can honestly say that i no longer have feelings for him.

And for some reason i feel really sad about this whole thing after i left her office. it was the first time my doctor or any doctor for that matter ever opened up to me as woman to woman, and i guess going through a hardship would do that to you. Yes i think that was honestly too much information but I really felt bad and didn't mind so much. It only made me feel hopeless about the future, because I can totally see that the two docs were so compatible. they are still attractive now, but you can obviously tell my dermatologist is about 40 y/o now. it forces you look at the sad fact that undeniably women are always each other's enemies, because there will always be someone much younger, who's eager to marry your husband. (which is why i REFUSE to get with anyone who is much older than i am).

And then today in the pharmacy, this customer was telling me about his friend who graduated from pharm school probably many years ago (he's this 90 year old patient). And he said this girl WASN'T PRETTY (since when are men allowed to comment about the plainess of their female friends to a total stranger??), but graduated with a pharm degree, and married her pharmacology professor, who later left her. I'm so sure at that point my face was close to twitching uncontrollably, was i supposed to learn anything from his anecdote?? so basically, a plain jane like me, if ever married to someone smart, will be divorced eventually??

And then there was that friend of cousin B's at the bachelorette party, one of the first things she told me when we met at the pool was that she went out with this guy all throughout four years of college, and when they graduated, he dumped her. So according to her, the moral of the message was that, DO NOT COMMITT.

I have to say that, if i get a penny for everytime someone tells me a depressing single woman story which i can somehow see my reflection in, i would be a VERY rich person who can quit school right now and go on a vacation in the bahamas (by myself). I just cannot believe how my outlook has come to be so sad. everywhere i look or turn i see/hear woman being cheated on/screwed over. especially if you're successful, you can pretty much sit on your ass and wait for shit to happen. So much initiative for me to go out and date. I AM only 25 right now, and i shouldn't be so pessimistic about everything, but i won't stay young forever. one day i'll be one of those women patients i have at my pharmacy picking up her own cholesterol meds using my walker and telling people about someone who left me years ago.

How can i ever believe that "I Love you" is not "I love you right now" or "I love you until i meet someone 10 years younger"?

And that's why i have a feeling that prince charming for me may not exists at all. no one can love you more than yourself.

although i still believe in fairy tales, sadly. :(

Letting go....

Today as i was bending backwards to clean up the house and my crap that's been lying around the house for 10 years, i came across a box of "stuff" i had saved since college. It's full of memories, letters, notes, bday cards, presents, pictures i had accumulated over the years. my roommate at the time who i seldomly keep in touch with now, wrote me these cards that were so cute and funny at the same time. We eventually grew apart for some reason, but I was remember how big a loser I was at the time and she still was such a great friend to me. I still clearly remember that I was always feeling miserable and kinda lonely, and i never quite got over my breakup, but looking at these cards/note/letters/pictures now reminds me of how fortunate I was to have these people around. Aside from that roommate, most these people are still as close to me as ever. Especially my friends from Taiwan, they probably see my transformation the most. From that dork i used to be (probably still am) to the person I am today. It's hard to make yourself live in the moment and appreciate what you have until all things have passed.

There was another bag i probably haven't opened for years, and even i was caught off guard by these memorabilia from when i was going out with hunter. There were these letters he sent to me, emails i printed out, emails from MYSELF that i printed out about reasons why i thought he was a sweetie to me, and cards from our anniversary and important holidays, and these last pictures of him which i still own unknowingly.

I read everything, and threw everything away. It didn't occur to me that I should at least keep something to remind myself of my past relationships when i'm old. I used to think that i should start a box for every relationship I've had. Because good or bad, i've had some fun times with these people. Well, it turns out, that at the age of 25, that was the ONLY relationship i've had. I have to say that since these are actually hard copies of his picture, once thrown away are lost forever. But I just couldn't find any legitimate reasons to keep them anymore.

I guess i just feel that, it seems sad and ironic at the same time, reading these 'words of love', when there is no love left at all. I hate to use the word now to describe our relationship because i firmly believe that two people in love don't just break up one day because they stop liking each other. At best I can only say that we LIKED each other a lot. But to read words from him that showered me with all kinds of compliments and longing is just so ironic and sad. the relationship is so over. it's been over for 7 years now.

in all honestly i dont think i've quite forgiven him, and neither do i have to. i used to think that it would take me a couple more years to be able to read these things without breaking down or feeling extremely depressed, or that next time I run into him i better be with a really hot guy so that i can show him off. But i've gotten past all that apparently. I have no feelings toward him or the relationship whatsoever, and i think i am fine the way i am, even if he appears to be doing better without me. HOnestly i really dont think i care anymore, about him or how he might think. he just wasn't 'the one'.

And can I just say that I am so glad i didn't end up with him? :)

Finally made up my mind: French it is!

Ok, so after a couple weeks of indecision and laziness, I've finally decided on the "class d'ete"---French it is! I have comtemplated about it over and over, and was really having a hard time choosing between French, piano, ballroom dancing, and surfing. I mean, I can see myself enjoy any of these activities, and they each fulfill my life in different ways (i wonder why pharmacy never made the list ;)....), but i had to look at them realistically. It is true that ballroom dancing is practical, especially at my age, when i'm starting to attend various occasions that require some dancing. It would help tremendously if i can just quit that SHUFFLE and start doing something rhythmic. I'm kinda fed up by how embarrassing i look when i'm on the dance floor. and it IS a good way to meet lots of dance partners. However i suppose the drive isn't big enough that i'm willing to commit 6 weeks of my life doing it. It seems more suitable for a school year activity, when you just go and have fun. I suppose it is the same with piano. i would LOVE to perfect my skills, seeing i'm still playing songs i used to play 10 years ago. I feel that i have definitely hit that bottleneck where I am not moving forward, and I can't play the harder songs because i can't figure out the fingers. and i'm starting to forget a lot of the old ones. and i'm frustrated with how sloppy i play my piano. if only one day i can play something more difficult from Chopin, Debussy, or Revel. However, realistically piano is such a home activity. you almost never get to play outside of your house, or if there isn't a piano available. Although I did check out this really wonderful music academy in my area, but I'm afraid since I only have 1 year left where i can receive instruction, it won't take me very far. but oh how i'd love to improve....:(

So surfing looks like something i can always pick up later in life, and it takes 3 days to learn, really..the rest you're on your own. so there's never a rush. plus, i'd really have to get in shape. at this stage i think i will stick with boogie boarding.

So this past wednesday, i called up a few places in the area that teaches foreign languages. one of the L'academie de francais. however their session began already. although pretty cheap per class, i would have to join them a month before their semester ends. so that's not very ideal. then I called up this other place and paid them a visit. and on a whim i just signed up. hence tomorrow i go in for my oral evaluation.

I often wonder if any of this is going to pay off in the future. I mean, yes, another language will always be helpful, but how is it really going to benefit my life? i may never run into a french-speaking person ever again. and even if i do, i probably dont need to engage in any kind of deep conversation with them. and if i am doing it for the sake of travelling, with the 10 vacation days what are the chances i always end up in french speaking countries...i may end up forgetting it all in another 5 years. in that case, wouldnt' it be better for me to learn say piano (entertain myself at home), surfing (work out), or ballroom dancing (you just dont forget)?

and on the other hand, whoever i talk to from my class are working their butts off. I mean, they are either enrolled in a dual degree program, pulling two jobs, or doing a internship. I always sound like such a hippie not completely devoted to what i learn at school. and in a way I do feel that i dont know as much as i SHOULD know at this point of my career. there are still many drugs i can't remember the mechanisms of action, i still have trouble remember brand vs. generic names, and i still feel like flipping out when i have to service patients who are just a pain in the ass. over the past two weeks i have been catching up, working extensively and just draining my energy, but still after a 1-10pm and then 9-6pm shift on my feet i feel like killing myself. how is it possible that i can put up with crap like this? 90% of what i do at work isn't even related to school or any relevant clinical knowledge at all! i'm explaining to patients why their copay is so high, or that we are not trying to steal their money from them, or verifying some prescriptions with TERRIBLE handwriting by some doctors.

where am i going after this? and what am i really doing with my life? everyday i question myself.

a weird party and some sunshine on the beach

After i worked my butt off this week (imagine working for 33 hrs ON YOUR FEET, with shifts that run from 1-10pm and the following day 9-6pm for 3 consecutive days), i realized that i get to have sunday off! So i decided to give myself a fun, relaxing weekend, and thus accepted an invitation from my sister to attend his friend's friend's farewell party.

Complete weirdness can't even begin to describe the vibe of the party. It was thrown by these Argentinian guys, for one of them is going away to Spain for good (oddly, most non-american people never seem to worry about where their next paycheck is coming from, they just take off--- to whatever country they desire, and they all seem to have family/friends all over the world. More power to them, i guess. i mean, i'm pretty darn sure that when i'm 30 i can't live a lifestyle as carefree as theirs). And according to this curly hair green-eyed Argentinian he's just gonna sit around on the beautiful beach of Spain with his friends.

So then the party was filled with a lot of non-americans, which is fine by me. you can pretty much tell by the way they dress and the way they look, very bohemian and colors everywhere. and they all seem pretty hyper or high on something. then some of their american friends showed up, and they too, seem very hyper for no reason. So i'm guessing this is how artsy people's parties are like. just a lot of randomness, here's a few:

- hula hoops. two of them. and these 30 something grown ups are using the hula hoops to their max. shake that thang...
- Trance/techno music + disco ball. you almost feel like you're in a european club. and then you see the guys/girls dance to trance...it's like a rave (and luckily i never got into those). i tried to force myself to dance (or flail my arms aimplessly in the air to the music) but i just gave up. not that hip-hop is more my thing but at least it's not as fast-paced as trance. and all the while my sister's friend kept telling me to let go/relax...i'm guessing it'll take me indefinite shots of vodka or indefinite joints of pot to achieve that effect.
- people doing cirque du soleil stuff: two girls just randomly started doing gymnastic activities by lifting each other on their knees/butts and balance in the air. i was like wtf.....
- the said two girls proceeded to take off their clothes and got into the hot tub. completely butt naked. they were floating on water with their boobs sticking out. then one guy joined them. yucky.
- people playing fire: some guy and some girl actually started doing tricks by swinging fireballs and twirl a stick that's lit with fire on both ends. wow. i'm really in hawaii watching a show.

So i was pretty much in awe the whole time, while feeling like a complete outsider. this had to be the weirdest social function i've ever attended. no prospect for future husband material, everyone was a free spirit. and the guys still behaved like horndogs. i'm really translating all the "i'd like to get to know you better" to what it really means : i'd like to f u.

corniness.

Then sunday i woke up and met with my friends from school for brunch in venice beach. it was at The Rose caffe & Market. it was quite a bohemian place too, a restaurant inside a gallery. i had some delicious omelette and bread, and we had some really good laughs. afterwards we headed to the beach. the water was FREEZING! but we all braved the temperature and got in after about 30 min (we are such chickens). we tried to boogie board a little, was very fun indeed. then we headed back to the sand and just lay out and chatted.

The day ended with me on my way back to home, almost got into an accident. apparently i had forgotten to release the hand brake until i was already on the freeway. so i released it then, and then 5 min later i was trying to brake and my brake stopped working. i was going even faster approaching the car in front of me at 75 mph. i freaked and hit the other pedal (gas pedal) and the car went even farther... so i swerved to the lane next to me and then back and just went like this for minutes until my car slowed down. can you imagine? being on the freeway and your brake is not working...and there was no place to exit cuz i was at a freeway junction. finally i had an opportunity to leave, meanwhile all the cars around me were completely freaked out. they all followed 500 meters behind me slowly, probably thinking i just had a seizure or my car broke down. i drove home slowly every time having to brake 500 meters before a light so i could come to a stop. Definitely wil have to fix that car tomorrow. i almost lost my life over it!

In short, a very interesting weekend indeed. Thank god i'm still alive. :)

am i ready for IT?

so i was mentioning about Match.com the other day to a friend of mine..joking about how i'm going to sign up RIGHT THIS YEAR (out of frustration of course).

And so yesterday i tried to start a free profile, and yet i couldn't finish it. the same ideas kept running through my head: am i ready to commit to this online dating stuff?

I mean it's worked before, for a lot of people, so why am i so hesitant about taking this big step (and is it a big step at all)? i mean the lifestyle i'm leading does look like it can use a little online dating services, i'm either at school or at work, surrounded by 90% females, and when i go out i hardly meet anyone who's eligible and who i'd like to know better. maybe Match isn't such a bad idea, since you can come across someone who has similar interests who you just never cross paths with. Very rational.

But why can't i finish writing my profile? what is holding me back? there's some time left but not THAT much time left. i should already want to do this thing to increase my chances, what's the worst that can happen?

well, i guess to me it means a lot more than just casually meeting people. It also means the end of my hopeful phase that something might happen natually without human force intervened. I kept hoping that one day, by some weird occurence, i would bump into/pick up the same merchandise/flirt shamelessly with a stranger who will eventually become my significant other, and make a good wedding story out of it. I am just not sure if saying "we met on matchher/eharmony/yahoo personal" will do it for me. of course it can be romantic, i mean out of millions of users online we click with each other, that IS kind of romantic. but like i said, i tend to like to think that internet is reserved for those who really just sit at home hoping that someone online will become his/her soulmate all the while disengage him/herself from the real world. but i guess i'm becomgin the butt of my own joke this time.

same reason why i preferred not to be set up.

Turning 25 (a time capsule post)

This is the first post i'm writing on turning 25 (which happened yesterday--6/7).

It was a good day, and very mellow too. I gathered about 8 close friends, to eat out at a nice sushi restaurant in Santa Monica (Sushi Roku--wayy over priced, and cost us a fortune--sorry girls!) follow by some drinking and game watching at Yankee Doodle (a sports bar).

I am extremely grateful for those who came out. I was happy that i was able to spend this special day with my very close friends, all sitting at one table, together for my birthday. There were some who weren't able to make it, but I was content. What more can a single gal ask for?

It is true that while sometimes i tend to look at the downside of things, such as not having gone on a date for a VERY long time and not meeting quality individuals with whom i may have a future with, but really i think it is truely a blessing to be surrounded by friends who have been with you thick and thin, who you can be the ugliest, most disgusting self with. When i counted the years i've known these people, some since high school , some college and some i have only gotten to know very well in graduate school, in ever stage of my life i was blessed enough to have these people hold my hands through the single days. I have always been single, but in a way i have never been truely lonely. and i've always felt the support of my family as well, even though i haven't spent another birthday with them since i left the country.

Last year at this time i was in Rome, at a bar with the rest of my tour group. It was the last day before i left my grand tour of europe, and i was hanging with these awesome people from all over the US whom i would otherwise have never met if not this tour. people were buying me drinks and i loved the french martini my roommate from florida recommended. One of the last things i saw before I called it a nigh in Rome was the Trivoli Fountain. that was probably one of the most amazing things i have seen in my life so far. i was taken aback by how breathtakingly beautiful it was. and like everyone else, i tossed two coins behind my back into the fountain. one for good luck and one for a promised return to Rome. which i don't know when THAT will be. but hopefully very soon.

When i look back on my life so far, i feel that there's some very amazing times and some very bad times. I realize that i tend to let the feeling of misery take over whatever else that is good in my life. Yes being lonely sucks, and it makes you a little desperate at time, especially when the whole world seems to be dating and in love. you wonder what is so wrong about you that nobody likes, and you start inspecting your life choices because you wonder if you're simply too 'uptight' to meet someone worthwhile, or you doubt your own attractiveness. and when all else fails, you simply give up on the notion that you will EVER meet your prince charming and be married. you life seems to end at 25. and you doubt that the next 5 years will be any better. if anything, probably worse.

But it hasnt been all that bad. There's been a million things i've done that i'm proud of. even if they are stupid funny choices. i dont regret the crushes i've had because they made my life my interesting, even if they were unrequited love. I've travelled and had a great time everytime i went somewhere, even if i 1)couldn't speak the language well/at all; or 2) lose my belongings on the way; or 3) was scared like hell because of safety reasons; or 4)never met foreign boyfriends like the others did. but i still got a kick out of every experience. i wouldn't be able to choose if i have to decide on a city to live in ..i would have to rotate and take me another 25 years!

i've become such a different person too. 10 years ago i was making one of the most major decisions of my life moving to the US. I came here looking and dressing like a dork and was basically thrown into the real world. i think i can now finally call myself mature/sophisticated/cosmopolitan which i would have never been able to imagine myself before. I have had to learn to defend myself in many ways but i have, and i think i am doing it in a way that is tolerable within my nature. I am never bitchy, just defensive, and you need a lot of that to survive in the real world, without people walking all over you. But i have become a tough person. I've also become more confident in the knowledge i have about my studies. I am still not great at what i do, and i certainly still have doubts about the future. but i've walked a long distance to get to where i am today, and i am not quitting before i get that degree. i just need to believe that i can achieve it.

I've also become a lot more comfortable with my body and who I am. there were times when i was extremely self-concious about what i was because i was surrounded by beautiful people, always, and i saw no point in becoming anything better. but i've learned to appreciate who I am. and i've learned to dress better, to look better, to CARE and respect what i was born with. i'm not perfect, but i can be happy with what i have. i never used to wear skirts or swimsuits before. and i never cared about the food i ate and exercise. but i'm taking really good care of my body now for health and aesthetic reasons and I am glad to say that i'm finally a woman i'd like to be.

i've loved, and i've lost. and i've been crazy and i've been good. i've been quirky and i've been rational. i want to move on with my life and see what's in store for me in the next 10 years. will i have a job i enjoy? will be in the US or somewhere else? will I still be close to the friends i have? will I be a single career woman who flies all over the world to meet with clients? will i be married?

well, i may never have all of the above, but i really just want to be HAPPY. and that, is really the hardest thing to ask for. and i'm crossing my fingers.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

MY 24 hr non-stop dancing encounter (3)

so here's the real interesting part:

after we went upstairs, it went something like this:
this dancer from nowhere started dancing for us, and he said WITH A REALL BAD ACCENT:

HELLO, MY NAME IS BLAH-BLAH. I'M FROM ITALY. MY ENGLISH IS NO GOOD, BUT I SURE KNOW HOW TO MAKE A GIRL FEEL GOOD.

at which point i was sure i was going to laugh hysterically in my head due to its corniness. then he danced a little for us. later my cousin's friend D found the guy she had the hots for, and said we could just share this private dance. so we were led to this darkly lit couch area, and before i knew it, another guy grabbed me and wanted to do a dance for me. this guy i actually recognize from before because when we came in the first time, he started talking to cousin B almost immediately, pointing at me as if telling her to buy one for me. but Cousin B was too embarrassed from this other dancer's dance that she didn't bother. and then he came a few times after that saying he could do one for me or my friends. but i turned him down as well. so anyway, he started his dance. and i realy just thought the whole thing was funny and didn't think much into it.

I think i must have acted pretty embarrassed/reserved, so he didn't try to do the REALLY raunchy stuff on me (or else i might have died of humiliation), he just kinda danced for me, and kept touching my hair and my face saying how he thinks i'm beautiful (what a line). he danced for me for the longest time, and i was actually starting to feel bad for him because i must have looked like a deadfish or soemthing. too bad i'm not turned on like his other customers, but dirty dancing was just funny to me not THAT sexy. at one point i actually wanted to tell him it's okay and stop trying because i felt really bad for him. he must have used up all his lines. so there was actualy this awkward silence during hte dance..and i was such a dork that i started trying to have a conversation with him (which was laughed at by my sister later for my stupidity). when he was done dancing we went back to friend D's booth and she was still enjoying it a lot..so we had to wait for her (another awkwardness) because my purse was behind her head..-_- *. but Christopher the Polish guy was nice enough that he was just hugging me so we didn't look like idiots intruding. (it must have been the most G-rated $20 he's ever earned because it was just sooooo soooo non LD like. :/.....)he came by to say hi later, and gave me a big hug before we left the club the last time.

afterthoughts:

i think i partly wanted to get the dance, because i feel i'm sooooo old now and sooo single. everyone keeps saying that you're young and you still have many years ahead of you, and you're cute blah blah blah, and they are in disbelief when i tell them i've been single for 7-8 years now. i mean, almost EVERYONE is seeing someone nowadays, i feel like a freak. i'm even starting to doubt how attractive i really am. if what everyone says is true, how can i be the only one undesirable by guys? also i partly want to just erase all bad memories from before, from this year, from that really sad sad relationship i had centuries ago, from school and the horrible people, from work and my boss bitchy as hell, from all the single valentine days/xmas/new year's eve, from the all the days i walk the empty street by myself, from all the battles i've had to fight career wise without someone romantic to turn to at the end of the day. i could see all these flashbacks that i've had thusfar in life and i though WHAT THE HECK. it doesn't hurt to have someone whisper to you and shower you with compliments, and do something wild just for day. next time i touch anyone who's male might be a middle aged, beer belly, financially stable prick who i am set up with by my relatives/married friends who just feel bad for me. i may never know what six packs feel like. so i'm gonna do it. and feel good about it.

but then of course, when i really think about it, i still can't shake off the feeling that i had to PAY for some hot guy to be that affectionate to me. i'm sure he was saying all these lines that he's used on all his other customers and they worked like gold, and to someone like me believing that they were true was just a little sad. he does this everyday, it IS a job for him. i need to stop thinking a male revue dancer is hot because that is jsut one category that i shouldn't think about at all. and plus, i really can't remember his face because his face was away from the light so i only really saw this silhouette of a hot guy. except that he had really shiney, pin straight shoulder length hair. and i thought THAT was interesting ( i have weird tastes).

but yeah, it was a quite liberating experience. i think i would take a LD over anything in a heartbeat. ;)