Turning 25 (a time capsule post)

This is the first post i'm writing on turning 25 (which happened yesterday--6/7).

It was a good day, and very mellow too. I gathered about 8 close friends, to eat out at a nice sushi restaurant in Santa Monica (Sushi Roku--wayy over priced, and cost us a fortune--sorry girls!) follow by some drinking and game watching at Yankee Doodle (a sports bar).

I am extremely grateful for those who came out. I was happy that i was able to spend this special day with my very close friends, all sitting at one table, together for my birthday. There were some who weren't able to make it, but I was content. What more can a single gal ask for?

It is true that while sometimes i tend to look at the downside of things, such as not having gone on a date for a VERY long time and not meeting quality individuals with whom i may have a future with, but really i think it is truely a blessing to be surrounded by friends who have been with you thick and thin, who you can be the ugliest, most disgusting self with. When i counted the years i've known these people, some since high school , some college and some i have only gotten to know very well in graduate school, in ever stage of my life i was blessed enough to have these people hold my hands through the single days. I have always been single, but in a way i have never been truely lonely. and i've always felt the support of my family as well, even though i haven't spent another birthday with them since i left the country.

Last year at this time i was in Rome, at a bar with the rest of my tour group. It was the last day before i left my grand tour of europe, and i was hanging with these awesome people from all over the US whom i would otherwise have never met if not this tour. people were buying me drinks and i loved the french martini my roommate from florida recommended. One of the last things i saw before I called it a nigh in Rome was the Trivoli Fountain. that was probably one of the most amazing things i have seen in my life so far. i was taken aback by how breathtakingly beautiful it was. and like everyone else, i tossed two coins behind my back into the fountain. one for good luck and one for a promised return to Rome. which i don't know when THAT will be. but hopefully very soon.

When i look back on my life so far, i feel that there's some very amazing times and some very bad times. I realize that i tend to let the feeling of misery take over whatever else that is good in my life. Yes being lonely sucks, and it makes you a little desperate at time, especially when the whole world seems to be dating and in love. you wonder what is so wrong about you that nobody likes, and you start inspecting your life choices because you wonder if you're simply too 'uptight' to meet someone worthwhile, or you doubt your own attractiveness. and when all else fails, you simply give up on the notion that you will EVER meet your prince charming and be married. you life seems to end at 25. and you doubt that the next 5 years will be any better. if anything, probably worse.

But it hasnt been all that bad. There's been a million things i've done that i'm proud of. even if they are stupid funny choices. i dont regret the crushes i've had because they made my life my interesting, even if they were unrequited love. I've travelled and had a great time everytime i went somewhere, even if i 1)couldn't speak the language well/at all; or 2) lose my belongings on the way; or 3) was scared like hell because of safety reasons; or 4)never met foreign boyfriends like the others did. but i still got a kick out of every experience. i wouldn't be able to choose if i have to decide on a city to live in ..i would have to rotate and take me another 25 years!

i've become such a different person too. 10 years ago i was making one of the most major decisions of my life moving to the US. I came here looking and dressing like a dork and was basically thrown into the real world. i think i can now finally call myself mature/sophisticated/cosmopolitan which i would have never been able to imagine myself before. I have had to learn to defend myself in many ways but i have, and i think i am doing it in a way that is tolerable within my nature. I am never bitchy, just defensive, and you need a lot of that to survive in the real world, without people walking all over you. But i have become a tough person. I've also become more confident in the knowledge i have about my studies. I am still not great at what i do, and i certainly still have doubts about the future. but i've walked a long distance to get to where i am today, and i am not quitting before i get that degree. i just need to believe that i can achieve it.

I've also become a lot more comfortable with my body and who I am. there were times when i was extremely self-concious about what i was because i was surrounded by beautiful people, always, and i saw no point in becoming anything better. but i've learned to appreciate who I am. and i've learned to dress better, to look better, to CARE and respect what i was born with. i'm not perfect, but i can be happy with what i have. i never used to wear skirts or swimsuits before. and i never cared about the food i ate and exercise. but i'm taking really good care of my body now for health and aesthetic reasons and I am glad to say that i'm finally a woman i'd like to be.

i've loved, and i've lost. and i've been crazy and i've been good. i've been quirky and i've been rational. i want to move on with my life and see what's in store for me in the next 10 years. will i have a job i enjoy? will be in the US or somewhere else? will I still be close to the friends i have? will I be a single career woman who flies all over the world to meet with clients? will i be married?

well, i may never have all of the above, but i really just want to be HAPPY. and that, is really the hardest thing to ask for. and i'm crossing my fingers.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!