Yes, the last of the series of weddings of this year. a lot of weddings have happened lately, mostly on facebook and you see classmates come back with a bling on their fingers and a hyphenated name. but this one belongs to my my closest roommate from college who i loved a lot. who i also talked about during my post about her choosing her church people as 90% of her guests at the wedding as well as her maid of honor and bridesmaids.
So i left work early on friday to be at her wedding rehearsal and dinner. and we all spent the night at her bridal suite. the whole time it felt somewhat surreal to me. When my other roommate Linda got married a month ago yes i felt bad during the wedding, but not horrible. This time, i felt like things are going to change from this point on. for multiple reasons, but i also know that it somewhat signifies something bigger than the wedding itself.
To make long story short, yes, i was annoyed at the fact that 90% of the party was made up by her church group. i was not too thrilled about having to stand in the extreme cold while they recited chapters from the bible, sang songs praising the Lord, and preached about Christianity to believers and non-believers. and the fact they said something about her life as a 'sinner' before she joined the church and met her husband. the fact that they talked about the duty as wife. the fact that they only met for such a short time and the the priest was making it sound like the greatest love ever and that their union is approved by the Lord. and the fact that we went to a PHO place for wedding rehearsal. the fact that her fiance was only nicer to people from her church and made rude comments about my other roommate because she wouldn't dance hip-hop during our practice for their reception entrance.
but all those feelings I could overlook. My friend looked beautiful in her dress, and when we helped her put it on in the morning I acutally got a bit teary because it was like giving a friend away. Then when I saw her with her dad again I got really sad, thinking about how my dad so wants to see us down the aisle and gives us away, but it most likely won't happen in the near future. Her dad is normally a stern man, and i know that he hasn't really approved of her fiance. and her fiance, being the way he is, probably couldn't care less to impress him (being someone outside of the church who can also potentially hinder my friend's walk to God).
Finally, during the reception, I cried when I saw her dance with her dad, i also got teary when I danced with her and her husband (separately). I knew exactly why i was upset (although I hid it really well throughout). during the maid of the honor speech and the best man speech i knew the truth. I jsut didn't tell it. I said "congratulations" only on every thing i bought them or wrote for them because i didnt' have anything more to say.
The truth is, these people only loved her after she's joined her church. If she didn't make that choice, or decided to leave the church, there would be no 'brotherhood' or 'sisterhood' left. I knew my freind since almost 8 years ago, and i loved her as a friend with or without her religion. i was there when she fell, when she was struggling with her career and school, when she broke up with her ex, when she moved to SD, when she got a new job, when she joined a church. I was the one who care about her the most. and yet i know once she's married into this community, our lives wouldn't be the same anymore. That's why i cried.
Of course, the fact that I was flying into Vegas for a million job interviews didn't help either. everyone's settled, and yet my career has barely started. I am fighting for a spot among the men, i have no prospect for marriage or children. and i think that made me very sad as well during the reception. I wanted all those love songs for my reception.
last wedding of 2009. i'm glad i survived.
2009年12月10日 星期四
What a weekend (1) - Let the Ass-kissing fest begin!
Ok, finally I have endured and survived the long-awaited wedding-filled and interview-filled weekend, and there's more things i want to update than i have time for. In fact, I really should be sleeping right now. After about 5 days of non-stop craziness. Some of the worst-case scenarios revolving airline travel has happened to me (not just one but TWO). But I will get to that later. this is why i'm numbering my post today. I had wanted to do this in chronological order, but I suppose in the end I decided to do them in the order of importance. So since I have been talking about fellowships and interviews incessantly for the past like, 6 months. I'm going to get into that first.
Like I mentioned before, I had arranged for around 10 interviews to be completed prior to my arrival to the conference. I already knew that THAT was going to be crazy. but when i actually got there, I signed up for the most famous program - Rutge*'s - which is associated with a multitude of some of the most famous drug companies in the world. and it was then my weekend got REAL interesting. So typically u do only one (at most two) interview during the 3 day period while you are at the conference. Most of them only see you once and go from there. If they like you enough, they might fly you out to an on-site interview. and if the programs are a little more snobby, they require a second interview at the conference. it may be booked within the same day, or a day later, but the earlier the better. But not with Rutger's. 99% of the companies associated with this program want to see you THREE friggin times before they will put on their glasses and decide who among these candidates who made it to the third round they would like to see again at their company in a couple weeks. not two, THREE interviews. So basically, they assume that your schedule is wide open. you have nothing to do in vegas but prop your feet up in your hotel room waiting for their call back. if you can't make it, too bad. and you go from interviewing with the current fellow, to last year's fellow and HR, to the top managers in the department. So with each round there is more at stake and therefore my sweat inducing. and some of the fellows of course acted like they were some big shots (because they beat out the other 250 candidates last year and made it, apparently). And the managers just stare at you, trying to induce anxienty (althoug that rarely works on me, if i dont get it, whatever, i dont need to work with a prick in the as*). So luckily, with my little background in the industry and ability to BS my way through most of it, i made it through all three rounds with all of the positions I applied for. (i'm only talking about Rutger's here.) Then you get this EXCLUSIVE invitation to their reception. i did not realize the importance of these recpetions until i was told by the fellows and the other applicants that this is THE event i need to be at. it's the time for you to network and to really show your interest in this program. so i had to move the time of my flight, and let the ass kissing game begin.
I knew what i was going to see. and that aspect of it actually induced more anxiety in me than the actual pain-staking interviews themselves. It all comes down to who's the biggest brown noser. of course we like to think that ' let your personality shine.' Well, my personality is, I am the way I am. I am sociable and I am likeable and I want this job and I will let you know that. but i'm not going to act like my life is going to be over or you're the most awesome person I've met because you have something I want.
So to get back to the story, I postponed my flight to 2 hours later so I could attend the reception. The room was packed with applicants (of course makes you wonder how EXCLUSIVE this thing really is). Then as soon as everybody entered the room, the ass-kissing fest was so thick I could cut it with a knife. I of course found some of the people I had interviewed with, and greeted them and basically let them know that I wouldn't be able to make it to tomorrow's OTHER reception because I can't afford to spend another night in vegas. then I also was circulating to see if i can keep up my temporary sociability. Then i joined a few conversations. some guy was being so disgusting, gushing about how much he LOVED the position (to the current fellow who was talking to us both), and that he was the class president and recounting his accomplishments and reinstating how much he'd love to be considered (while i was going for the same job as well). i literally wanted to roll my eyes so badly. I'm sure that guy will go far with his disgusting flattery, but that's not how i roll.
for one, i'm not intimidated by these powersuits and the male-dominated industry route. and frankly I was quite sick with the whole process and exclusivity they purposely created with this program. Yes, i do want to work in the industry. and i do find it interesting what they do. but i dont love it enough that i'm willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. the whole deal with having THREE interviews to just be considered for a position you have to fly out for and still rejects you in the end is not that worth it. looking at the sea of applicants, my chances are like one in a million. industry has only become popular these past couple years, so how were the other positions in teh company filled? well, these people just interviewed. not three times. they did it the normal way. it's only recently when industry become 'hot', that they are creating these little banquets that less than qualified people are not allowed in, and once you get in, you have to 'network' like crazy and follow the whole process with hand-written thank-you cards (i'm not kidding, everyone was writing them, even when i was stuffing myself with salads during lunch time over the three days). so how far will this go? pretty soon i'll have to start giving Thank-You foot-massages. I may even have to start unbutton my shirt to get ahead. does it have to be like this people? It's always because one person starts doing it, and everyone follows, that it makes you look bad if you dont sent a card right away or flatter them like crazy during the 'reception'.
Yes I would like to have the job, but at what cost? Working with such people who think they are superior than others? with people who will do anything to get ahead? with people with super type-A personality? TRaveling across the country away from friends and family? have no good variety of food around and in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey? I wanted it because I believed industry people are less crazy than most pharmacy students who are super intense and cut-throat. but it's pretty much the same everywhere now, when the economy is bad.
To cut long story short, not ALL programs are like this. some of the smaller companies I interviewed with were very nice and down-to-earth, and they made me feel pretty comfortable and not an inch tall during the interview. However these are programs that i want less.
In a way i was very glad that i made it this far. I basically sailed through 8/day x 3 days = 24 interviews during the past 3 days. and i lived. and i only did things that did not work against my moral. i dont need the jobs so bad i need to compromise the type of person i am. but honestly the process did leave a bad taste in my mouth. I knew a couple people who were also interviewing from my school, as well as some of the current fellows who were graduates from our school. But that did not give me any benefit since i dont really bond with these people anyway. in fact, i dont talk to half of them and we are not friends to the point that we dont say hi to each other. but i made it through all the interviews and performed to my best and had some VERY encouraging comments from the interviewers. and i did this w/o having to do all of the above things which i find so disgusting. i hate the word 'networking'. when you 'network', people you meet are your 'contacts' you want 'something' from. and if they are no longer of use to you, you act like they do not exist. but that is not how i roll. but i can tell this strategy has worked very well for some of our past alums (and my unwillingness to association with them will bite me in the ass one day i'm sure).
Anyway. I finished them all. all twenty-four excruciating interviews plus one reception (two unattended). i did it to my best ability, and i have no regrets.
Like I mentioned before, I had arranged for around 10 interviews to be completed prior to my arrival to the conference. I already knew that THAT was going to be crazy. but when i actually got there, I signed up for the most famous program - Rutge*'s - which is associated with a multitude of some of the most famous drug companies in the world. and it was then my weekend got REAL interesting. So typically u do only one (at most two) interview during the 3 day period while you are at the conference. Most of them only see you once and go from there. If they like you enough, they might fly you out to an on-site interview. and if the programs are a little more snobby, they require a second interview at the conference. it may be booked within the same day, or a day later, but the earlier the better. But not with Rutger's. 99% of the companies associated with this program want to see you THREE friggin times before they will put on their glasses and decide who among these candidates who made it to the third round they would like to see again at their company in a couple weeks. not two, THREE interviews. So basically, they assume that your schedule is wide open. you have nothing to do in vegas but prop your feet up in your hotel room waiting for their call back. if you can't make it, too bad. and you go from interviewing with the current fellow, to last year's fellow and HR, to the top managers in the department. So with each round there is more at stake and therefore my sweat inducing. and some of the fellows of course acted like they were some big shots (because they beat out the other 250 candidates last year and made it, apparently). And the managers just stare at you, trying to induce anxienty (althoug that rarely works on me, if i dont get it, whatever, i dont need to work with a prick in the as*). So luckily, with my little background in the industry and ability to BS my way through most of it, i made it through all three rounds with all of the positions I applied for. (i'm only talking about Rutger's here.) Then you get this EXCLUSIVE invitation to their reception. i did not realize the importance of these recpetions until i was told by the fellows and the other applicants that this is THE event i need to be at. it's the time for you to network and to really show your interest in this program. so i had to move the time of my flight, and let the ass kissing game begin.
I knew what i was going to see. and that aspect of it actually induced more anxiety in me than the actual pain-staking interviews themselves. It all comes down to who's the biggest brown noser. of course we like to think that ' let your personality shine.' Well, my personality is, I am the way I am. I am sociable and I am likeable and I want this job and I will let you know that. but i'm not going to act like my life is going to be over or you're the most awesome person I've met because you have something I want.
So to get back to the story, I postponed my flight to 2 hours later so I could attend the reception. The room was packed with applicants (of course makes you wonder how EXCLUSIVE this thing really is). Then as soon as everybody entered the room, the ass-kissing fest was so thick I could cut it with a knife. I of course found some of the people I had interviewed with, and greeted them and basically let them know that I wouldn't be able to make it to tomorrow's OTHER reception because I can't afford to spend another night in vegas. then I also was circulating to see if i can keep up my temporary sociability. Then i joined a few conversations. some guy was being so disgusting, gushing about how much he LOVED the position (to the current fellow who was talking to us both), and that he was the class president and recounting his accomplishments and reinstating how much he'd love to be considered (while i was going for the same job as well). i literally wanted to roll my eyes so badly. I'm sure that guy will go far with his disgusting flattery, but that's not how i roll.
for one, i'm not intimidated by these powersuits and the male-dominated industry route. and frankly I was quite sick with the whole process and exclusivity they purposely created with this program. Yes, i do want to work in the industry. and i do find it interesting what they do. but i dont love it enough that i'm willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. the whole deal with having THREE interviews to just be considered for a position you have to fly out for and still rejects you in the end is not that worth it. looking at the sea of applicants, my chances are like one in a million. industry has only become popular these past couple years, so how were the other positions in teh company filled? well, these people just interviewed. not three times. they did it the normal way. it's only recently when industry become 'hot', that they are creating these little banquets that less than qualified people are not allowed in, and once you get in, you have to 'network' like crazy and follow the whole process with hand-written thank-you cards (i'm not kidding, everyone was writing them, even when i was stuffing myself with salads during lunch time over the three days). so how far will this go? pretty soon i'll have to start giving Thank-You foot-massages. I may even have to start unbutton my shirt to get ahead. does it have to be like this people? It's always because one person starts doing it, and everyone follows, that it makes you look bad if you dont sent a card right away or flatter them like crazy during the 'reception'.
Yes I would like to have the job, but at what cost? Working with such people who think they are superior than others? with people who will do anything to get ahead? with people with super type-A personality? TRaveling across the country away from friends and family? have no good variety of food around and in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey? I wanted it because I believed industry people are less crazy than most pharmacy students who are super intense and cut-throat. but it's pretty much the same everywhere now, when the economy is bad.
To cut long story short, not ALL programs are like this. some of the smaller companies I interviewed with were very nice and down-to-earth, and they made me feel pretty comfortable and not an inch tall during the interview. However these are programs that i want less.
In a way i was very glad that i made it this far. I basically sailed through 8/day x 3 days = 24 interviews during the past 3 days. and i lived. and i only did things that did not work against my moral. i dont need the jobs so bad i need to compromise the type of person i am. but honestly the process did leave a bad taste in my mouth. I knew a couple people who were also interviewing from my school, as well as some of the current fellows who were graduates from our school. But that did not give me any benefit since i dont really bond with these people anyway. in fact, i dont talk to half of them and we are not friends to the point that we dont say hi to each other. but i made it through all the interviews and performed to my best and had some VERY encouraging comments from the interviewers. and i did this w/o having to do all of the above things which i find so disgusting. i hate the word 'networking'. when you 'network', people you meet are your 'contacts' you want 'something' from. and if they are no longer of use to you, you act like they do not exist. but that is not how i roll. but i can tell this strategy has worked very well for some of our past alums (and my unwillingness to association with them will bite me in the ass one day i'm sure).
Anyway. I finished them all. all twenty-four excruciating interviews plus one reception (two unattended). i did it to my best ability, and i have no regrets.
2009年11月24日 星期二
personality test
My Result:
The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)
Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?
Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.
Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.
You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.
The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)
Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?
Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.
Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.
You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.
2009年11月23日 星期一
Today
Today is one of those days when I feel like hospital might be my true calling. Over hte past three weeks, I change my mind literally every day. There are bad days when you feel that, as soon as an industry spot opens, i'm diving right into it. But there are good days, when I feel that even if i'm offered a fellowship position I will probably turn it down just so i can serve the general public for a few years before I pursue a more ambitious future for myself.
So what constitues a good day? A good day is when you feel like you made a difference because you cared. And I've never really felt this before with my previous pharmacy jobs. That's why as much as i hate the busy work with my current rotation, I still enjoy the experience a lot. I am learning a lot from my preceptor who really cares about his patients. And deep down I actually like helping people, i like to trouble shoot, and i enjoy educating them about information I learn from school. I am constantly amazed by how much personal information they disclose to me. I am almost flattered in a sense. And because I think they can feel that i really listened, they tell me more, which helps me further analyze the problem and their medication list/medical conditions.
So today I have a lady who is diagnosed with breast cancer. She was put on a anti-estrogen medication before and she was getting all sorts of horrible side effects from it, which is to be expected with a lot of chemo drugs. and then she started telling me more because I asked her what she's been on and what side effects she suffered from. and her new prescription is actually from the same class as the one she used before. So lawfully I have to warn her about the same side effects. And while she was telling me all this, she had tears well up in her eyes. And that made me feel really terrible because I do get affected by things such as this. not in a bad way like I wish i never have to deal with human emotions. But rather it makes me feel that I need to be there for these people. it reminded me of another incident last week. A gentleman was in the pharmacy, asking if I knew if it'd be okay to take his 2 meds together, both are used to treat his incontinence after prostectomy. He was describing to me his distress, and I could totally understand. Losing all capacity to hold back your urine. How can anyone afford this if they are middle-aged and still have a job. You'd be ridiculed forever. So i had to talk to him about Depend, preparing extra underwears...etc. Things such as these, when you hear their personal accounts, you feel a sense of responsibility to help. to improve their lives.
I suppose that is why I never feel self-concious about what I have physically. I can never understand why normal people complain about this and that which they have that are perfectly functional. When you see/hear all the human suffering everyday, you almost cannot put yourself in that position of having self-pity. When my preceptor talked to me about this elderly patient who developed penumonia then a heart attack and stroke and died from it, I immediately thought of my dad. I think about how much I am not around him and how he does have hypercholesteralemia, high blood pressure, and he is on blood-thinner. I almost feel that deteriorating health is an inevitable route for every old person to take. And because I see them, I see how when people get really old, and hospitalized in the hospital, they can aspirate (choke) on even liquid diet, and then the next thing you know, they pass over the weekend. And you are not responsible for following that patient anymore. you just throw their medication list away. or you dont see them anymore because they are moved to ICU, after which they most likely will pass away.
I guess what I am saying is. When you see these patients and are working with them, you deal with all ranges of human emotions. Before I even started pharmacy school i thought i would hate to have to deal with that. But now I almost feel obligated to face it. and by walking away to a nice comfy cubicle or office with a view, i am guaranteed to never have to see one of these people ever again. But somehow I've changed. This is why it's been hard for me to make decisions.
So today is the day i feel like I can be a clinical pharmacist.
So what constitues a good day? A good day is when you feel like you made a difference because you cared. And I've never really felt this before with my previous pharmacy jobs. That's why as much as i hate the busy work with my current rotation, I still enjoy the experience a lot. I am learning a lot from my preceptor who really cares about his patients. And deep down I actually like helping people, i like to trouble shoot, and i enjoy educating them about information I learn from school. I am constantly amazed by how much personal information they disclose to me. I am almost flattered in a sense. And because I think they can feel that i really listened, they tell me more, which helps me further analyze the problem and their medication list/medical conditions.
So today I have a lady who is diagnosed with breast cancer. She was put on a anti-estrogen medication before and she was getting all sorts of horrible side effects from it, which is to be expected with a lot of chemo drugs. and then she started telling me more because I asked her what she's been on and what side effects she suffered from. and her new prescription is actually from the same class as the one she used before. So lawfully I have to warn her about the same side effects. And while she was telling me all this, she had tears well up in her eyes. And that made me feel really terrible because I do get affected by things such as this. not in a bad way like I wish i never have to deal with human emotions. But rather it makes me feel that I need to be there for these people. it reminded me of another incident last week. A gentleman was in the pharmacy, asking if I knew if it'd be okay to take his 2 meds together, both are used to treat his incontinence after prostectomy. He was describing to me his distress, and I could totally understand. Losing all capacity to hold back your urine. How can anyone afford this if they are middle-aged and still have a job. You'd be ridiculed forever. So i had to talk to him about Depend, preparing extra underwears...etc. Things such as these, when you hear their personal accounts, you feel a sense of responsibility to help. to improve their lives.
I suppose that is why I never feel self-concious about what I have physically. I can never understand why normal people complain about this and that which they have that are perfectly functional. When you see/hear all the human suffering everyday, you almost cannot put yourself in that position of having self-pity. When my preceptor talked to me about this elderly patient who developed penumonia then a heart attack and stroke and died from it, I immediately thought of my dad. I think about how much I am not around him and how he does have hypercholesteralemia, high blood pressure, and he is on blood-thinner. I almost feel that deteriorating health is an inevitable route for every old person to take. And because I see them, I see how when people get really old, and hospitalized in the hospital, they can aspirate (choke) on even liquid diet, and then the next thing you know, they pass over the weekend. And you are not responsible for following that patient anymore. you just throw their medication list away. or you dont see them anymore because they are moved to ICU, after which they most likely will pass away.
I guess what I am saying is. When you see these patients and are working with them, you deal with all ranges of human emotions. Before I even started pharmacy school i thought i would hate to have to deal with that. But now I almost feel obligated to face it. and by walking away to a nice comfy cubicle or office with a view, i am guaranteed to never have to see one of these people ever again. But somehow I've changed. This is why it's been hard for me to make decisions.
So today is the day i feel like I can be a clinical pharmacist.
2009年11月18日 星期三
Game on!
Tomorrow is my first officia interview of the series of interview I will be on for the next 4 months. i'm gonna get a phone interview from the eastcoast so i gotta wake up early before work and do it. totally nerve-racking.
It's interesting, as i prepared myself for it, going over Baxter material and trying to remember everything i've done so far and why I wanted industry in the first place, a part of me secretly doesn't want to get this position. does that mean i'm leaning more toward hospital?
I think a part of me definitely want to do a year of residency, THEN go into industry. and i'm scheduling so many interviews with various drug companies to sort of work against my favor. I am not sure why I am doing this. maybe it is out of fear taht if i dont get my feet wet in industry now, i'll end up in the hospital and become a staff pharmacist, which is extremely boring, because then you dont 'rotate', you have your assigned satellite and on weekends and holidays you have to come in to do stuff like checking orders, and not so much the 'clinical' stuff, like making interventions.) The thing is, it is only useful and somewhat rewarding to be a clinical pharmacist if your opinion actually counts. but residency is also a job safety net. if i do one now, i can pretty much work anywhere in any hospital in the future. whereas if i go into industry, with an economy this bad, there is no job security, and i can't relocate anywhere I please. There is always THAT risk.
I know i know, i've been obsessing over it for the past 3 months now and you guys are probably sick of reading it. i guess what i'm trying to say is, life is scary, having to make a decision on your own is scary. moving far far away by yourself with no friends and family really sucks. being such a worry bug i am, i'll probably be upset either way.
It's interesting, as i prepared myself for it, going over Baxter material and trying to remember everything i've done so far and why I wanted industry in the first place, a part of me secretly doesn't want to get this position. does that mean i'm leaning more toward hospital?
I think a part of me definitely want to do a year of residency, THEN go into industry. and i'm scheduling so many interviews with various drug companies to sort of work against my favor. I am not sure why I am doing this. maybe it is out of fear taht if i dont get my feet wet in industry now, i'll end up in the hospital and become a staff pharmacist, which is extremely boring, because then you dont 'rotate', you have your assigned satellite and on weekends and holidays you have to come in to do stuff like checking orders, and not so much the 'clinical' stuff, like making interventions.) The thing is, it is only useful and somewhat rewarding to be a clinical pharmacist if your opinion actually counts. but residency is also a job safety net. if i do one now, i can pretty much work anywhere in any hospital in the future. whereas if i go into industry, with an economy this bad, there is no job security, and i can't relocate anywhere I please. There is always THAT risk.
I know i know, i've been obsessing over it for the past 3 months now and you guys are probably sick of reading it. i guess what i'm trying to say is, life is scary, having to make a decision on your own is scary. moving far far away by yourself with no friends and family really sucks. being such a worry bug i am, i'll probably be upset either way.
stress is a debilitating disease....
So i have been extremely stressed for the past couple...let's say 5 months. but it only got worse after my industry rotation. Because it's crunch time now. I am now applying for both fellowship (industry) and residency (hospital) positions and i will now need 6 different recommenders to write me a letter. As if this isn't stressful enough, I am also writing different letters of intents for each program as well as my OWN recommendation letters because some of my recommenders prefer that I come up with the rough draft they can work off of. The scary thing is, i'm actually a terrible writer. And I dont proofread particularly well. And almost all the programs have due dates around january 8th. So with the holidays coming and everybody's crazy schedule, that doesn't look too good to me. I will actually have to finish writing all the above mentioned items, and get them out in envelopes to my recommenders in time for them to write the final draft AND send them out before the due date. hence the stress.
It may be really foolish of me to try to apply to so many. and i have a phone interview on thursday morning and 8 personal interview scheduled on Dec 5 and 6th. But I was hearing how slim the chances are with fellowship programs, that you can interview with all of them, and still get nothing. Same goes with the really highly sought after residency programs. you can still end up with nothing after the match result comes out.
As i mentioned in previous posts, i like BOTH. so i dont want to have to choose. THEY can choose for me. if they want me, fine, more happy worries to worry about. And if they dont, one fewer option for me to consider, not exactly a bad thing. I think i can see myself in both situations. I can be in a hospital and do clinical work, or I can be working in a drug company and learn new things that dont require as much pharmacy knowledge. I can be happy doing either of them, or be miserable. There's of course always that chance that I will run into egoistical docs/pharmacists and feel like an inch tall in the hospital. Or I can feel that I am stuck with boring literature review at the drug company. but you can't have a win-win situation.
I am actually so stressed that i had to skip out a dinner thing with my fraternity. I really wanted to go, but with the pressure of having to come up with one letter of intent/rec letter every night i really can't afford to lose those 2 hours. did i mention i still have rotation on top of all this extra stuff i have to do for my future?
the scary thing is, about 50% of the programs will be away from home, and i mean far, far away not even in a city but more like a town. As i grow older i'm actually becoming more worried about leaving home. I am not scared in the sense that I wont make friends. I think more in teh sense that if i meet someone i like, it's a problem because i want to come home here (CA) or taiwan (possibly) eventually. and if i dont meet anyone, that is pretty darn sad as well. and moving out to a foreign place by yourself when it's not for school is pretty darn scary. i wont even have classmates to hang out with and my co workers are most likely married with kids. and i will be shopping out in the cold for groceries and spending thanksgiving by myself, with part of my family on the west coast, the other part of my family all the way on the other side of pacific ocean.
well, no point to think that far.
the good thing is, at least i dont think about/whine about my singleness as much as i used to. i dont even have time for sleep.
It may be really foolish of me to try to apply to so many. and i have a phone interview on thursday morning and 8 personal interview scheduled on Dec 5 and 6th. But I was hearing how slim the chances are with fellowship programs, that you can interview with all of them, and still get nothing. Same goes with the really highly sought after residency programs. you can still end up with nothing after the match result comes out.
As i mentioned in previous posts, i like BOTH. so i dont want to have to choose. THEY can choose for me. if they want me, fine, more happy worries to worry about. And if they dont, one fewer option for me to consider, not exactly a bad thing. I think i can see myself in both situations. I can be in a hospital and do clinical work, or I can be working in a drug company and learn new things that dont require as much pharmacy knowledge. I can be happy doing either of them, or be miserable. There's of course always that chance that I will run into egoistical docs/pharmacists and feel like an inch tall in the hospital. Or I can feel that I am stuck with boring literature review at the drug company. but you can't have a win-win situation.
I am actually so stressed that i had to skip out a dinner thing with my fraternity. I really wanted to go, but with the pressure of having to come up with one letter of intent/rec letter every night i really can't afford to lose those 2 hours. did i mention i still have rotation on top of all this extra stuff i have to do for my future?
the scary thing is, about 50% of the programs will be away from home, and i mean far, far away not even in a city but more like a town. As i grow older i'm actually becoming more worried about leaving home. I am not scared in the sense that I wont make friends. I think more in teh sense that if i meet someone i like, it's a problem because i want to come home here (CA) or taiwan (possibly) eventually. and if i dont meet anyone, that is pretty darn sad as well. and moving out to a foreign place by yourself when it's not for school is pretty darn scary. i wont even have classmates to hang out with and my co workers are most likely married with kids. and i will be shopping out in the cold for groceries and spending thanksgiving by myself, with part of my family on the west coast, the other part of my family all the way on the other side of pacific ocean.
well, no point to think that far.
the good thing is, at least i dont think about/whine about my singleness as much as i used to. i dont even have time for sleep.
2009年11月11日 星期三
this is why i'm a dork....
So, like i said...i just started my uninspiring rotation at Costco. Everything's just like before..busy busy busy. So my goal remains the same: getting through the day without passing out, and finishing all the menu items from their foodcourt.
The only highlight of my uneventful day? getting a message from my old doc. no, not on my phone. I was helping a customer who came straight from our school clnic and couldn't find his prescription here. So I called our pharmacy voicemail and realized that his doc called in and left a msg. And when i checked it for him, long and behold, it was the doc who i found really cute 2 years (?) ago. the same doc who treated my leg when i had that huge bug bite....if you need a reminder. Anyway, it was about time for me to get off my shift but for some reason it made me really happy to hear his voice, well, in a sad/pathetic way. I met him when he was only a resident at our school hospital, and now he's actually become full time physician at the student clinic. so i'm sure he gets crazy female students from Pharmacy, medicine, nursing, and physical therapy hit on him all the time. Like my sister said, " he probably has 3 women sharing his bed at any given moment." Well said.
Anyway. on top of that, from my friend's facebook pictures i found out that he was actually giving out H1N1 vaccines to students this past monday. I was on campus and i was totally aware of the H1N1 vaccine ordeal, but the line grew so long by the time i got there i just gave up. I heard the vaccines were running out. Lesson: Should have stook in line anyway. HE was there to give out shots.
Ok, i need to find some other people to have a crush on, not HIM, or doc who has a gf and still tries to flirt with me, or guy with french accent who tries to also hit on my friend, or married men.
The only highlight of my uneventful day? getting a message from my old doc. no, not on my phone. I was helping a customer who came straight from our school clnic and couldn't find his prescription here. So I called our pharmacy voicemail and realized that his doc called in and left a msg. And when i checked it for him, long and behold, it was the doc who i found really cute 2 years (?) ago. the same doc who treated my leg when i had that huge bug bite....if you need a reminder. Anyway, it was about time for me to get off my shift but for some reason it made me really happy to hear his voice, well, in a sad/pathetic way. I met him when he was only a resident at our school hospital, and now he's actually become full time physician at the student clinic. so i'm sure he gets crazy female students from Pharmacy, medicine, nursing, and physical therapy hit on him all the time. Like my sister said, " he probably has 3 women sharing his bed at any given moment." Well said.
Anyway. on top of that, from my friend's facebook pictures i found out that he was actually giving out H1N1 vaccines to students this past monday. I was on campus and i was totally aware of the H1N1 vaccine ordeal, but the line grew so long by the time i got there i just gave up. I heard the vaccines were running out. Lesson: Should have stook in line anyway. HE was there to give out shots.
Ok, i need to find some other people to have a crush on, not HIM, or doc who has a gf and still tries to flirt with me, or guy with french accent who tries to also hit on my friend, or married men.
2009年11月10日 星期二
MIA..
Sorry about the recent Missing in Action...I have just packed up and moved back to LA, and immediately my next rotation starts. half of my stuff is still sitting in the trunk and I am already feeling the bite of community pharmacy.
I showed up to my first day on the job today, and it immediately feels like a world of difference from my previous rotation. By about 11am I was ready to leave for good. So it officially became this painful mental game for me to last until 6pm. It was my nightmare all over again: the phone ringing off the hook, the pharmacists and technicians running around, prescriptions flying around, lots of drugs needed to be pulled and restock, irate customers, lots of insurance problems, computer softward that is the least technologically advanced, somewhat snobby technicians..etc. i was reminded all over again why i hated community in the first place. I was ready to blow out my brain by around 11am. In a way i further solidified my belief that community is not going to be in the picture for me when I graduate, and at the same time I was remembering why I was always feeling so sad and angry during my days in pharmacy school. How can anyone honestly get excited over getting a job like this?
the only consolation prize, is that it is inside a Costco. so at least i could have chicken bake and mocha freeze for lunch, and there's still lots more to choose from tomorrow. My goal is to go through all the menu choices by the time I leave. and I'm anticipating spending less than $5 everyday on lunch. What a huge difference from my previous rotation where I am surrounded by expensive restaurants...
I still have to finish working on 2 letters of intent and figuring out who to ask for rec letter and what programs i want to apply for. Therefore i'm pretty stressed on top of the physical soreness in my legs. let's hope i survive this week. :) then it's bridal shower time. :P
I showed up to my first day on the job today, and it immediately feels like a world of difference from my previous rotation. By about 11am I was ready to leave for good. So it officially became this painful mental game for me to last until 6pm. It was my nightmare all over again: the phone ringing off the hook, the pharmacists and technicians running around, prescriptions flying around, lots of drugs needed to be pulled and restock, irate customers, lots of insurance problems, computer softward that is the least technologically advanced, somewhat snobby technicians..etc. i was reminded all over again why i hated community in the first place. I was ready to blow out my brain by around 11am. In a way i further solidified my belief that community is not going to be in the picture for me when I graduate, and at the same time I was remembering why I was always feeling so sad and angry during my days in pharmacy school. How can anyone honestly get excited over getting a job like this?
the only consolation prize, is that it is inside a Costco. so at least i could have chicken bake and mocha freeze for lunch, and there's still lots more to choose from tomorrow. My goal is to go through all the menu choices by the time I leave. and I'm anticipating spending less than $5 everyday on lunch. What a huge difference from my previous rotation where I am surrounded by expensive restaurants...
I still have to finish working on 2 letters of intent and figuring out who to ask for rec letter and what programs i want to apply for. Therefore i'm pretty stressed on top of the physical soreness in my legs. let's hope i survive this week. :) then it's bridal shower time. :P
2009年11月5日 星期四
Goodbye cubicle!
Yes...today I finally concluded my first-ever journey in a pharmaceutical company. i can't say that I was exactly thrilled or not thrilled, but it's over. there are definitely things i will miss about it here:
- duckies in the pond surrounding the building
- close proximity to restaurants and Barns & Nobel (within walking distance)
- sitting down (as compared to standing for 9 hrs)
- not having to talk to people every minuite of my life
- doing work that does not require brain power
And of course, there are things I definitely will not miss:
- The Promenade. pretty much the only shopping plaza i've visited for the past 6 weeks
- thousand oaks. a whole lotta nothing here
- my cubicle. yes, i get to sit in it for 9 hrs a day and i dont get to see 90% of the people on the same floor because of the dividers
- the size of the company. the size of my team.
- the asinine projects i get that require zero pharmacy knowledge
- all the married/unavailable/old guys/gals
- all the business/sports talk
- the lack of happy hour and sociability or people around my age
- the guy who i met only once
- the product line we manage
- the marketing people with their big talks and their use of numbers
- the work talk even during lunch out. just leave it in your office, people.
So, if you asked me, what i think about this rotation. i can't really tell you that it's made me feel that industry is MY THING. Which is weirdly ironic. I wanted it all along. And this has been the ONLY rotation where i got the most validating reviews from. I pretty much impressed my boss so much without even realizing it. And my 110% effort was actually rewarded. I feel like I actually have a good chance to land a position here next year. But why am i hesitating?
I am sure i will most likely make a chart about the pros and cons about hospital vs. industry. for now i have 4 interviews set up, all of them pretty competitive, and if i did get them, i'd have to move far, far away. and start a new life, prolly under a fake name. But anyway, i am obsessing over this too much. i will give it a rest tonight.
Goodbye cubicle!
2009年11月3日 星期二
vacay ideas?
So this winter break, i have only 2 weeks off. I have a rotation right before and right after. And I'd like to be un-jetlagged when my spring rotation starts. so i've decided against going back to tw during this short break (although i'm EXTREMELY homesick). It would be a waste of money if i did go back. A thousand bucks for 2 wks only. not really worth it. plus, i'm not working anymore, so definitely no extra money to spend around.
So if i was gonna be in town, i need to think of something to do to pass time. I still want a mini vacay, just not internationally. so i think a cruise would be a good idea. Except, on the west coast, all the cruises suck. they only take you to mexico but you spend 2/3 of your time on the sea, and you can only go as far as Cabo San Lucas. And it does NOT look like it is a good idea to be in Mexico this year, esp. with the H1N1 going rampant over there. Ugh i hate that the flu takes away one of the few pleasures a Californian can have within a short distance.
I COULD go to San Fran, I suppose. but i've been there many times. And plus, without being with your family it's not all that fun to just be there when the rest of the town is celebrating Xmas. I might get even more homesick (hence the Mexican Cruise idea, lots of eating and sleeping to pass time).
DESPERATELY need to come up with a plan....
So if i was gonna be in town, i need to think of something to do to pass time. I still want a mini vacay, just not internationally. so i think a cruise would be a good idea. Except, on the west coast, all the cruises suck. they only take you to mexico but you spend 2/3 of your time on the sea, and you can only go as far as Cabo San Lucas. And it does NOT look like it is a good idea to be in Mexico this year, esp. with the H1N1 going rampant over there. Ugh i hate that the flu takes away one of the few pleasures a Californian can have within a short distance.
I COULD go to San Fran, I suppose. but i've been there many times. And plus, without being with your family it's not all that fun to just be there when the rest of the town is celebrating Xmas. I might get even more homesick (hence the Mexican Cruise idea, lots of eating and sleeping to pass time).
DESPERATELY need to come up with a plan....
2009年11月2日 星期一
a long-awaited GOOD DAY!!
haha as promised...i am updating about a good day! :) a REALLY good one too. i dont think i've felt this elated in a VERY long time....
So over the weekend, just to prove the psychic wrong, i did go to a house party with my sister and her friend. it turned out to be a really fun time. NO, no one i'd want to date from the party, but it was good to just hang out with people without all the pressure on your mind. i should really stop stressing myself out. it turned out I wasn't really doing it to prove the psychic wrong. I actually had fun. And i dressed up as a witch with a little headband with a witch hat on it. Because i didn't want to pay $50 for a cheaply made costume. pictures will follow..soon. on my picasa. I'm still in the process of getting them from friends.
So 3 REALLY GOOD THINGS happened today:
1) I have 3 interview booked for december! 3 interviews from various drug companies for a fellowship position. I am attending a conference in December and it's been stressing me out because I will be there only for 3 days. i couldn't miss that many days of work and i have a friend's wedding i must attend. So i really dont have that many time to interview, and i will have to fly in late. But as one colleague suggested that I could use this online service to start contacting potential companies, and that's what i did over the weekend. And i now definitely have 3 interviews set up. :D
2) met this other young guy on my floor. I know, it's nothing to cheer about. But this guy has been passing by my cube for weeks and we never spoke. i noticed him because he was one of the younger persons/unmarried, and he always looked into my cubicle when he was on his way to the copy machine room. So today while i was in there we finally chatted. And he had this accent (not sure where that's from). i could feel that i was nervous, but then again, because i'm a dork, and i haven't dated in a longgg time, so i think anything mildly attractive can turn me into a giddy girl. we'll see about that. but i even told him that too. this is my last week here at this company, so.....oh well.
3) my talk with boss. My super assertive, super human boss actually gave me a semi-evaluation today. I was showing her the projects she told me to work on. and honestly i was still anaylyzing these paper yesterday until 12 am on my OWN TIME on my own computer. and she really liked my work. this is the first time she's directly told me how much she's liked my work. and she flat out told me that i have a nitch for industry. and she would hate to see it go wasted had i gone into clinical (hospital) pharmacy. that was like the highest form of flattery i've ever experienced thus far in my life. i was never sure if i seemed stupid in front of her because she's quite hard to read. and because she's so good at her job and so assertive, i feel very incompetent most of the time. and i could never be sure if she liked my work or if i was just like any other student she's had before. To hear that she thinks i'm professional, i deliver, and i should really consider industry because i'm good at my job, i was beyond ecstatic. She even noticed that during all our meetings i never seemed bored. i was trying to get the most out of every experience, even if that means sitting in a meeting for 2 days without speaking a word. i was mentally there the whole time, just processing the information in my head, and i can't believe she noticed that. She even went so far to tell me taht i have a good chance with the fellowship next year. that is going to make me feel good for a very long time. because it's confirmed that i do have what it takes to work in industry, as i so often doubted myself before.
it's true that what goes down must come up at some point. this is the most validating thing i've heard lately. I've often felt that my boss is like the future me, but more assertive, and married with two kids. we have the same sense of humor and i am scared of her professionally but not personally. I dont know if she feels that way. But if i can be like that, it's not a bad thing at all. :)
Anyway. let's hope the goodness continues!
So over the weekend, just to prove the psychic wrong, i did go to a house party with my sister and her friend. it turned out to be a really fun time. NO, no one i'd want to date from the party, but it was good to just hang out with people without all the pressure on your mind. i should really stop stressing myself out. it turned out I wasn't really doing it to prove the psychic wrong. I actually had fun. And i dressed up as a witch with a little headband with a witch hat on it. Because i didn't want to pay $50 for a cheaply made costume. pictures will follow..soon. on my picasa. I'm still in the process of getting them from friends.
So 3 REALLY GOOD THINGS happened today:
1) I have 3 interview booked for december! 3 interviews from various drug companies for a fellowship position. I am attending a conference in December and it's been stressing me out because I will be there only for 3 days. i couldn't miss that many days of work and i have a friend's wedding i must attend. So i really dont have that many time to interview, and i will have to fly in late. But as one colleague suggested that I could use this online service to start contacting potential companies, and that's what i did over the weekend. And i now definitely have 3 interviews set up. :D
2) met this other young guy on my floor. I know, it's nothing to cheer about. But this guy has been passing by my cube for weeks and we never spoke. i noticed him because he was one of the younger persons/unmarried, and he always looked into my cubicle when he was on his way to the copy machine room. So today while i was in there we finally chatted. And he had this accent (not sure where that's from). i could feel that i was nervous, but then again, because i'm a dork, and i haven't dated in a longgg time, so i think anything mildly attractive can turn me into a giddy girl. we'll see about that. but i even told him that too. this is my last week here at this company, so.....oh well.
3) my talk with boss. My super assertive, super human boss actually gave me a semi-evaluation today. I was showing her the projects she told me to work on. and honestly i was still anaylyzing these paper yesterday until 12 am on my OWN TIME on my own computer. and she really liked my work. this is the first time she's directly told me how much she's liked my work. and she flat out told me that i have a nitch for industry. and she would hate to see it go wasted had i gone into clinical (hospital) pharmacy. that was like the highest form of flattery i've ever experienced thus far in my life. i was never sure if i seemed stupid in front of her because she's quite hard to read. and because she's so good at her job and so assertive, i feel very incompetent most of the time. and i could never be sure if she liked my work or if i was just like any other student she's had before. To hear that she thinks i'm professional, i deliver, and i should really consider industry because i'm good at my job, i was beyond ecstatic. She even noticed that during all our meetings i never seemed bored. i was trying to get the most out of every experience, even if that means sitting in a meeting for 2 days without speaking a word. i was mentally there the whole time, just processing the information in my head, and i can't believe she noticed that. She even went so far to tell me taht i have a good chance with the fellowship next year. that is going to make me feel good for a very long time. because it's confirmed that i do have what it takes to work in industry, as i so often doubted myself before.
it's true that what goes down must come up at some point. this is the most validating thing i've heard lately. I've often felt that my boss is like the future me, but more assertive, and married with two kids. we have the same sense of humor and i am scared of her professionally but not personally. I dont know if she feels that way. But if i can be like that, it's not a bad thing at all. :)
Anyway. let's hope the goodness continues!
2009年10月29日 星期四
nevertheless, a GOOD DAY...despite THAT
I will get into it later..the THAT part. but yes, i finally made it to my first ever happy hour with some coworkers from work and everyone was extremely cool and i had a lot of fun. lots of food, lots of beer, and i finally felt like things could be better, except i'm leaving next week. :/ I mean, i still dont think i've gotten the whole picture about industry, but i'm satisfied to leave on this note. There were a couple guys from the med info team who were really chill and they were actually nice enough to talk to me about school and other stuff so the night was filled with lots of joking around...and therefore lifted my mood from:
Right before I left for the Happy Hour, i was at a company Halloween party inside the auditorium of our building. It was for little kids but we thought we would drop by for the candies..and for the cute little kids. It was pretty cool...to see all the happy parents with the cutest kids. and then we stood in line for psychic reading. Just for fun. and we waited forever, but it was free so we didn't mind it.Everyone who left the tent thought it was pretty accurate. so i had pretty high hopes for it. mostly just for relationship questions. liek when and where and if i'll ever meet that person.
So it was finally my turn, and then i had to pull 12 tarot cards out for her to read. And then, she told me this:
Basically, I am pretty tired and sick of what i've been doing right now. I am sick of the guys i've been meeting and who i amd infatuated with. and the never ending cycle. and then by March of next year, i will stop dating altogether. I will just stop. and then she started counting the months one by one...until december. so i wont meet anyone and wont have anyone to date. And then finally i will meet that person, in 1.5 years, and marry for money. yes, that's what she said. i will marry for money. a provider. and she said there will not be that much love but we will get used to it. most likely by arranged marriage of some sort. but he will be rich.
yes. you get the picture.my face probably turned green after that. that was a pretty horrible reading for any girl, lest a single girl who really wants to find the one she likes.
i did NOT stand in line for that. and i seriously thought i was going to sign up for match.com when i walked out the door. just to prove her wrong. so i'm waiting all these years just to marry a 50 year old rich dude who's probably bald and fat.
anyway, let's hope that's not true. :[
Right before I left for the Happy Hour, i was at a company Halloween party inside the auditorium of our building. It was for little kids but we thought we would drop by for the candies..and for the cute little kids. It was pretty cool...to see all the happy parents with the cutest kids. and then we stood in line for psychic reading. Just for fun. and we waited forever, but it was free so we didn't mind it.Everyone who left the tent thought it was pretty accurate. so i had pretty high hopes for it. mostly just for relationship questions. liek when and where and if i'll ever meet that person.
So it was finally my turn, and then i had to pull 12 tarot cards out for her to read. And then, she told me this:
Basically, I am pretty tired and sick of what i've been doing right now. I am sick of the guys i've been meeting and who i amd infatuated with. and the never ending cycle. and then by March of next year, i will stop dating altogether. I will just stop. and then she started counting the months one by one...until december. so i wont meet anyone and wont have anyone to date. And then finally i will meet that person, in 1.5 years, and marry for money. yes, that's what she said. i will marry for money. a provider. and she said there will not be that much love but we will get used to it. most likely by arranged marriage of some sort. but he will be rich.
yes. you get the picture.my face probably turned green after that. that was a pretty horrible reading for any girl, lest a single girl who really wants to find the one she likes.
i did NOT stand in line for that. and i seriously thought i was going to sign up for match.com when i walked out the door. just to prove her wrong. so i'm waiting all these years just to marry a 50 year old rich dude who's probably bald and fat.
anyway, let's hope that's not true. :[
2009年10月28日 星期三
Halloween Schmalloween
I know i said this many times, no more pissy posts! but today was not a good day so i have to vent a little (and not into my poor aunt's ears...i'm sure she got a earful already from the past 4 weeks...).
Last night was a good night, i went to a concert at House of Blues with a co-worker and saw Colbie Caillat and Howie Day, met some new people, and ate this really yummy burger. it was a good day.
but this morning, I came in and i saw this email from my mom saying that she got sick, so that got me a little worried. And then my little sister texted me to tell me that she hit someone's car, so i had to help take care of that. and my mom was trying to get me to tell her my little sister's facebook account so she can monitor her pictures...
Anyway, so people were asking me left and right about Halloween plans, and i really dont have any! I could go to my sister's friend's friend's house party, but that would require me to dress up. And judging from my experience from the halloween store this afternoon, i would have to look like slutty (insert profession) in order to find something in the store. there was literally nothing below your private parts. Dont get me wrong, i'm not insecure about my body, and i am sure i will regret not showing it more when i get older. but i have no desire to flaunt all my girly bits in front of a roomful of strangers. I might as well go to victoria's Secret and get a "costume" and just wear devil's horns....
and all i really wanted to do was go see Where the Wild Things are. Honestly, i think halloween is a kid's holiday. It's cute when they dress like pumpkins and whatever and trick or treat. But when you're an adult you feel compelled to go somewhere and do somethign and meet some people. and it's kiling the fun for me. knowing that i have to first drive back to LA from Thousand oaks, get a costume for 40 bucks, drive myself to west LA and go to the party, and make small talks..i'm just really sick of it all. I'm sure whatever funk i was in i'm still not completely getting out of it. it may be a mild case of social anxiety. may be just because i am giving myself a ton of pressure so every social event is potentially the social event in which i have to prove myself to land a potential mate.
so yesterday some guy came up to me when i was having my lunch in peace. he looked about 35 or above, not bad looking, but not erally my type primary because of his age ( i dont believe in dating guys who are much older). i didnt reject him brutally, but i also didn't buy into that whole speech with compliments. but i did keep his business card (because i wont give out my number). i'm kinda worried that one of these days when i feel weak i might call this guy up. someone should really take that business card and burn it before i lose my head.
Last night was a good night, i went to a concert at House of Blues with a co-worker and saw Colbie Caillat and Howie Day, met some new people, and ate this really yummy burger. it was a good day.
but this morning, I came in and i saw this email from my mom saying that she got sick, so that got me a little worried. And then my little sister texted me to tell me that she hit someone's car, so i had to help take care of that. and my mom was trying to get me to tell her my little sister's facebook account so she can monitor her pictures...
Anyway, so people were asking me left and right about Halloween plans, and i really dont have any! I could go to my sister's friend's friend's house party, but that would require me to dress up. And judging from my experience from the halloween store this afternoon, i would have to look like slutty (insert profession) in order to find something in the store. there was literally nothing below your private parts. Dont get me wrong, i'm not insecure about my body, and i am sure i will regret not showing it more when i get older. but i have no desire to flaunt all my girly bits in front of a roomful of strangers. I might as well go to victoria's Secret and get a "costume" and just wear devil's horns....
and all i really wanted to do was go see Where the Wild Things are. Honestly, i think halloween is a kid's holiday. It's cute when they dress like pumpkins and whatever and trick or treat. But when you're an adult you feel compelled to go somewhere and do somethign and meet some people. and it's kiling the fun for me. knowing that i have to first drive back to LA from Thousand oaks, get a costume for 40 bucks, drive myself to west LA and go to the party, and make small talks..i'm just really sick of it all. I'm sure whatever funk i was in i'm still not completely getting out of it. it may be a mild case of social anxiety. may be just because i am giving myself a ton of pressure so every social event is potentially the social event in which i have to prove myself to land a potential mate.
so yesterday some guy came up to me when i was having my lunch in peace. he looked about 35 or above, not bad looking, but not erally my type primary because of his age ( i dont believe in dating guys who are much older). i didnt reject him brutally, but i also didn't buy into that whole speech with compliments. but i did keep his business card (because i wont give out my number). i'm kinda worried that one of these days when i feel weak i might call this guy up. someone should really take that business card and burn it before i lose my head.
2009年10月18日 星期日
the rest of your life is now
Lately I've been feeling like I have to make decisions about the rest of my life right this instant. What area i want to practice in, what region, what company, what kind of lifestyle, my marriage status....etc. It's like very day someone is screaming into my ear that if i were to become anything and go anywhere and be married i have to make that decision, right now.
Initially i thought that in a perfect world, I could just do a year of residency (at the hospital whereever i may) or a year of fellowship (at a pharmaceutical company wherever they will take me), and if i really like it, i'll continue. If not, i can always swtich to another route. That is, until I started this current rotation.
The ironic thing is, i've always THOUGHT that industry was my thing. I pretty much went to pharmacy school because of the potential of going into industry. I thought the opportunieis should be abundant, the work force should be quite varied, and there should be plenty of room for growth. Well, all of the above are correct. I like that you dont need to know every drug there is on earth and have to know them well. You focus on your product, and you get to work with people with different backgrounds who also aim to sell the product with you. and since there are people who are NOT pharmacists, there should be more dating potential, blah blah blah.
So the next thing i know, I am at my current rotation. Like I said before, i am assigned very stupid assignments like word processing and writing invitations, compiling email listserv, rearranging the design of a handbook. These assignments are so embarrassing, that even when i did go to one of their farewell parties for someone, people didn't know what to say and of course i felt like giant shit. As if i didn't have enough things to alienate myself from the marketing people (unless if i decided to join their beer-chucking contest). I am half way through my rotation, and yet i felt like i literally haven't learned anything constructive to talk about during my future interviews. Worst of all, the experience is making me want to go into industry LESS. i hate having to sit through stupid meetings just to play with words/phrases that practically dont matter, i hate that we have to kiss the doc's asses so they would speak on our behalf about our products, i hate that i have to sit in a cubicle for 9 hr a day and take lunch by myself bc apparently nobody takes lunch together here, i hate that nobody even wants to go to happy hour together, i hate that all of the guys here are married or old so that i can wilt away in thousand oaks. i hate that in order to get into the really highly saught after pharmacoeconomics/outcomes research field i'd have to go get another 2-yr degree (M.S.).
I am literally thrown into a black hole, when talking to my boss and the other pharmacists. basically, if you want to do industry, you want to go into it right now. don't waste your time completing a residency, because if you only become a staff pharmacist, no company is going to welcome you back with open arms. you are no better off than some student who goes into industry right away. Your work experience in the hospital means nothing. and on the opposite hand, if you wound up doing industry, there is NO WAY that you can retain enough clinical knowledge to go back to the hospital. so basically, you are stuck. You either need to find out about your true calling and head in that direction right away, or you are sort of screwed.
Hell, and all i want right now is to meet that someone and be married. as much career oriented as i am, this all means nothing if i'm busy and important when i'm 45 and go on a business trip in Paris and stay in a hotel by myself. I'll probably be filthy rich, but i will sit in a french boulangerie by myself.
And thousand oaks isn't that bad, no, if you're a housewife. if you're a housewife, i think you can pretty much live anywhere. it's a good place to bring up your kids i'm sure. But as far as entertainment goes, i can't even think of a great japanese/chinese restaurant off the top of my head where i may want to go eat. and if i'm married, i can move out to the remote towns in New Jersey, where there are a TON of biotech/pharmas, or Indianapolis, or cincinnati. but what the hell am i gonna do when i go live in a suburb by myself? Judging from this experience, most of the older, married people dont want nor do they need to make new friends with younger people. they already have friends in the area. and I? I wound up spending $10 on 2 chick flicks at the closest Blockbuster so I can pass time over the weekend. I was the only girl in her twenties by herself walking around in blockbuster deciding what to rent whlie the other couples/families merrily ran around.
and because everyone is married, i cannot even really dream about meeting someone at work. it sort of forces me to choose hospital, because that way, at least i can prey on the unsuspecting and probably cocky interns/residents or move in on the emotionally weak patients/family members. but then again, i wont be able to come back to industry, because i wont have any experience and it's already competitive. and who is to say that i will for sure meet someone when i go hospital? i may literally have to cut out two holes in my white coat to compete with the cuter nurses, and even that i may still lose.
what am i gonna do with the rest of my life?
Initially i thought that in a perfect world, I could just do a year of residency (at the hospital whereever i may) or a year of fellowship (at a pharmaceutical company wherever they will take me), and if i really like it, i'll continue. If not, i can always swtich to another route. That is, until I started this current rotation.
The ironic thing is, i've always THOUGHT that industry was my thing. I pretty much went to pharmacy school because of the potential of going into industry. I thought the opportunieis should be abundant, the work force should be quite varied, and there should be plenty of room for growth. Well, all of the above are correct. I like that you dont need to know every drug there is on earth and have to know them well. You focus on your product, and you get to work with people with different backgrounds who also aim to sell the product with you. and since there are people who are NOT pharmacists, there should be more dating potential, blah blah blah.
So the next thing i know, I am at my current rotation. Like I said before, i am assigned very stupid assignments like word processing and writing invitations, compiling email listserv, rearranging the design of a handbook. These assignments are so embarrassing, that even when i did go to one of their farewell parties for someone, people didn't know what to say and of course i felt like giant shit. As if i didn't have enough things to alienate myself from the marketing people (unless if i decided to join their beer-chucking contest). I am half way through my rotation, and yet i felt like i literally haven't learned anything constructive to talk about during my future interviews. Worst of all, the experience is making me want to go into industry LESS. i hate having to sit through stupid meetings just to play with words/phrases that practically dont matter, i hate that we have to kiss the doc's asses so they would speak on our behalf about our products, i hate that i have to sit in a cubicle for 9 hr a day and take lunch by myself bc apparently nobody takes lunch together here, i hate that nobody even wants to go to happy hour together, i hate that all of the guys here are married or old so that i can wilt away in thousand oaks. i hate that in order to get into the really highly saught after pharmacoeconomics/outcomes research field i'd have to go get another 2-yr degree (M.S.).
I am literally thrown into a black hole, when talking to my boss and the other pharmacists. basically, if you want to do industry, you want to go into it right now. don't waste your time completing a residency, because if you only become a staff pharmacist, no company is going to welcome you back with open arms. you are no better off than some student who goes into industry right away. Your work experience in the hospital means nothing. and on the opposite hand, if you wound up doing industry, there is NO WAY that you can retain enough clinical knowledge to go back to the hospital. so basically, you are stuck. You either need to find out about your true calling and head in that direction right away, or you are sort of screwed.
Hell, and all i want right now is to meet that someone and be married. as much career oriented as i am, this all means nothing if i'm busy and important when i'm 45 and go on a business trip in Paris and stay in a hotel by myself. I'll probably be filthy rich, but i will sit in a french boulangerie by myself.
And thousand oaks isn't that bad, no, if you're a housewife. if you're a housewife, i think you can pretty much live anywhere. it's a good place to bring up your kids i'm sure. But as far as entertainment goes, i can't even think of a great japanese/chinese restaurant off the top of my head where i may want to go eat. and if i'm married, i can move out to the remote towns in New Jersey, where there are a TON of biotech/pharmas, or Indianapolis, or cincinnati. but what the hell am i gonna do when i go live in a suburb by myself? Judging from this experience, most of the older, married people dont want nor do they need to make new friends with younger people. they already have friends in the area. and I? I wound up spending $10 on 2 chick flicks at the closest Blockbuster so I can pass time over the weekend. I was the only girl in her twenties by herself walking around in blockbuster deciding what to rent whlie the other couples/families merrily ran around.
and because everyone is married, i cannot even really dream about meeting someone at work. it sort of forces me to choose hospital, because that way, at least i can prey on the unsuspecting and probably cocky interns/residents or move in on the emotionally weak patients/family members. but then again, i wont be able to come back to industry, because i wont have any experience and it's already competitive. and who is to say that i will for sure meet someone when i go hospital? i may literally have to cut out two holes in my white coat to compete with the cuter nurses, and even that i may still lose.
what am i gonna do with the rest of my life?
2009年10月12日 星期一
long awaited update
Well, now that i'm back in thousand oaks and my parents have gone back to Taiwan, I can finally write a few things about my current situtations and thoughts..
*warning: thoughts may be extremely negative or pessimistic...read at your own risk. ;)..*
Basically,
1. Still can't decide if industry or hospital is the thing for me. Of course at this point, both are hard to get in. I feel like I can never read my boss. I am doing my industry rotation right now and it's been 3 weeks and I still feel like I dont know anything and i'm not impressing her enough. i am assigned mostly menial tasks and word processing jobs that anybody can do. I am not sure if that really shows my ability as a person. I mean, writing up email templates and compiling email lists hardly constitute something only a pharm.d. can do. I am beginning to wonder if i will get that foot in the door. another project i'm also working on is creating the fellowship brochure and application. The ironic thing is, I may have to end up using it to apply for the position with the company, and still not get it. :/ according to my boss, it's a brutal competition (see what i mean? she says this without an ounce of encouragement). basically people with no experience can just kind of forget about it.
2. still somewhat asocial at the company. so if by some freakish chance i did get the fellowship, i dont know if this will be the best place to start. you pretty much work with people who are all married with children and nobody goes to happy hour/lunch together. and you sit in your cubicle all day. A nice way to prolong my singleness for sure and down the road of old-maid. whereas if i worked a couple years in the hospital, i could still be around people my age (interns, residents, nurses, physical therapiest...etc.). but then, those people could all be married too or have gfs or have no interest in me. yikes! :(
3. somewhat sad to learn that I still think that whatever guy on my team is attractive even though he's not available. to give you an idea, he looks like Jim on the Office, but better looking. yes. i need to start meeting people online so i can get out of this pathetic cycle of meeting unavailable men.
Speaking of Jim, the other night I was watching the climax of the series...Jim and Pam getting married. and pretty much like always, they looked adorable like always, and THAT is how you want an office romance to happen. and he said and did all the right things. somehow i think media is the one to blame for all the fluffy thoughts in our heads. i swear i cannot listen to another "i was in love with a girl but she had a bf at the time. But i waited 4 years for her" and "i knew she was the one i wanted to marry the day i met her."
not true to some.
FYI:
*warning: thoughts may be extremely negative or pessimistic...read at your own risk. ;)..*
Basically,
1. Still can't decide if industry or hospital is the thing for me. Of course at this point, both are hard to get in. I feel like I can never read my boss. I am doing my industry rotation right now and it's been 3 weeks and I still feel like I dont know anything and i'm not impressing her enough. i am assigned mostly menial tasks and word processing jobs that anybody can do. I am not sure if that really shows my ability as a person. I mean, writing up email templates and compiling email lists hardly constitute something only a pharm.d. can do. I am beginning to wonder if i will get that foot in the door. another project i'm also working on is creating the fellowship brochure and application. The ironic thing is, I may have to end up using it to apply for the position with the company, and still not get it. :/ according to my boss, it's a brutal competition (see what i mean? she says this without an ounce of encouragement). basically people with no experience can just kind of forget about it.
2. still somewhat asocial at the company. so if by some freakish chance i did get the fellowship, i dont know if this will be the best place to start. you pretty much work with people who are all married with children and nobody goes to happy hour/lunch together. and you sit in your cubicle all day. A nice way to prolong my singleness for sure and down the road of old-maid. whereas if i worked a couple years in the hospital, i could still be around people my age (interns, residents, nurses, physical therapiest...etc.). but then, those people could all be married too or have gfs or have no interest in me. yikes! :(
3. somewhat sad to learn that I still think that whatever guy on my team is attractive even though he's not available. to give you an idea, he looks like Jim on the Office, but better looking. yes. i need to start meeting people online so i can get out of this pathetic cycle of meeting unavailable men.
Speaking of Jim, the other night I was watching the climax of the series...Jim and Pam getting married. and pretty much like always, they looked adorable like always, and THAT is how you want an office romance to happen. and he said and did all the right things. somehow i think media is the one to blame for all the fluffy thoughts in our heads. i swear i cannot listen to another "i was in love with a girl but she had a bf at the time. But i waited 4 years for her" and "i knew she was the one i wanted to marry the day i met her."
not true to some.
FYI:
2009年10月6日 星期二
sorry about the no-updating
haha yea, i'm writing a post about not-posting. really lame.
well, I guess i can try to explain my lack of verbatim here. When i'm stressed, i have a ton of thoughts in my head but i can't formulate them into a nice piece of writing. if people are going to take their time to read it i dont want to waste their time.
but i've been stressed as hell. It kinda feels like how i felt in hawaii. Everyday i spend 9+ hrs at work because i just started and i have no experience and i feel like an idiot in every single way.and i'm lonely because i have to take my lunch breaks alone most of the time because other people are too busy and important that i dont get to take lunch with them. well, that and the company is a bit on the asocial side. and i havne't been introduced to that many people aside from my bosses. They are too higher up for me to have a real conversation with them. And plus i actually have to get quizzed by them about the mountains of reading i have to do so i feel anything but comfortable at the sight of them.
so everyday after i spend all my time in the cubicle, i go home and shower, and eat, and sleep (or read some more) and it's another day.
that's why i really can't update much until the weekend. too many things are on my plate and i can't think straight.
well, I guess i can try to explain my lack of verbatim here. When i'm stressed, i have a ton of thoughts in my head but i can't formulate them into a nice piece of writing. if people are going to take their time to read it i dont want to waste their time.
but i've been stressed as hell. It kinda feels like how i felt in hawaii. Everyday i spend 9+ hrs at work because i just started and i have no experience and i feel like an idiot in every single way.and i'm lonely because i have to take my lunch breaks alone most of the time because other people are too busy and important that i dont get to take lunch with them. well, that and the company is a bit on the asocial side. and i havne't been introduced to that many people aside from my bosses. They are too higher up for me to have a real conversation with them. And plus i actually have to get quizzed by them about the mountains of reading i have to do so i feel anything but comfortable at the sight of them.
so everyday after i spend all my time in the cubicle, i go home and shower, and eat, and sleep (or read some more) and it's another day.
that's why i really can't update much until the weekend. too many things are on my plate and i can't think straight.
2009年9月30日 星期三
and on a superficial note...
and if anybody wants to know...there's probably no aspect of meeting someone here. why? same as everywhere else. married, married and the ones who aren't you probably dont want to date them (for now anyway).
and we are not really allowed to wonder around the building or into other cubicles. so i talk to the same 6 people on my team and some who sit close to me.
:-/
and we are not really allowed to wonder around the building or into other cubicles. so i talk to the same 6 people on my team and some who sit close to me.
:-/
first one after the new rotation!
Whew ok! i'm gonna use the next....8 min to write about my latest rotation and why i've been disappearing. simple: CRAZINESS AT WORK!
So my rotation is at Baxter. And i have NO experience working in the industry before. and yes, i was extremely paranoid and anxious on my first day (yesterday). I literally was sweating bullets. Everything was different. I had my cubicle (huge) and i was assigned to a team who's in charge of their immunoglobulins. so BIG shoes to fill. I of course, know nothing about the industry terms and jargons. And my reasons for wanting to work in the industry at this moment sounded extremely weak. i couldn't even really defend it, in front of my preceptor. She's very assertive, very strong and knows what she wants and what she needs and what her goals are. she's only been working with them for 5 years post pharm d graduation and already she is the assistent director. So yes, i'm realizing that i will have to bust my ass to try to impress her. It doesn't help that everyone on my team (who are all very nice, btw) are EXTREMELY bright. so much that i seem very very clueless about what i know as a student who's trying her foot in industry.
So far i think i get along with everyone. i spend most of my time reading up on a 6 inch thick binder about everything you can think of about our products and LOTS and LOTS of immunology review and CE. My tailbone literally hurts from sitting and reading too much. I guess that could be one aspect of industry that can be bothersome. THAT and a lot of the strategics talk and logistics. I still dont know if i would be a good fit.
On the other hand, i must say this is the BEST work environment i've worked in in a while. I have my own cubicle that is stocked with everything. anything i need, just ask. the kitchen is great and the coffee machine is awesome. it's one of those you can stick in your individual pouch and out pours your coffee. and lots and lots of tea and coffee selections. and we are situated minutes away from a huge shopping center and i get to take nice relaxing lunch breaks under the sun. people are all very industry-like. if you know what i mean. everybody is chill, and we all get a long (well, on the surface anyway). but really. the people are extremely cool to work with. It's hard to believe that i've worked 3 year in retail in that tiny space filled with bottles and just filled and filled and it felt almost claustrophobic. and i was seeing my pharmacists who never took real lunch breaks and that was how i picture all pharmacists to be. Everybody in the company gets to travel. A LOT. it's for business but still the thought of going to Vienna or Sao Paolo for a conference sounds like this job is right up my alley.
But it's also not like the hospital in a way you only deal with ONE drug and you have to think like a business person. what sells, what can we do to make it sell, who do we need to talk to....am i ready for that? am i BUILT for that? lots of unanswered questions that need to be answered right now.
and i miss the spontaneity. yes, when you take a more direct role doing clinical pharmacy alongside physicians and nurses and patients. it can be frustrating at times, as i learned from my medicine rotation. but here you are making a difference, but indirectly and you DONT konw if your product is actually better. you kind of have to convince people that it is. i hope i'm making sense so far.
anyway, from what i've learned so far, it's gonna be HARD to break into industry, as i was told by my preceptor who was VERY good when she was a student and interviewed everywhere.
i need more positive messages in my life. :/
So my rotation is at Baxter. And i have NO experience working in the industry before. and yes, i was extremely paranoid and anxious on my first day (yesterday). I literally was sweating bullets. Everything was different. I had my cubicle (huge) and i was assigned to a team who's in charge of their immunoglobulins. so BIG shoes to fill. I of course, know nothing about the industry terms and jargons. And my reasons for wanting to work in the industry at this moment sounded extremely weak. i couldn't even really defend it, in front of my preceptor. She's very assertive, very strong and knows what she wants and what she needs and what her goals are. she's only been working with them for 5 years post pharm d graduation and already she is the assistent director. So yes, i'm realizing that i will have to bust my ass to try to impress her. It doesn't help that everyone on my team (who are all very nice, btw) are EXTREMELY bright. so much that i seem very very clueless about what i know as a student who's trying her foot in industry.
So far i think i get along with everyone. i spend most of my time reading up on a 6 inch thick binder about everything you can think of about our products and LOTS and LOTS of immunology review and CE. My tailbone literally hurts from sitting and reading too much. I guess that could be one aspect of industry that can be bothersome. THAT and a lot of the strategics talk and logistics. I still dont know if i would be a good fit.
On the other hand, i must say this is the BEST work environment i've worked in in a while. I have my own cubicle that is stocked with everything. anything i need, just ask. the kitchen is great and the coffee machine is awesome. it's one of those you can stick in your individual pouch and out pours your coffee. and lots and lots of tea and coffee selections. and we are situated minutes away from a huge shopping center and i get to take nice relaxing lunch breaks under the sun. people are all very industry-like. if you know what i mean. everybody is chill, and we all get a long (well, on the surface anyway). but really. the people are extremely cool to work with. It's hard to believe that i've worked 3 year in retail in that tiny space filled with bottles and just filled and filled and it felt almost claustrophobic. and i was seeing my pharmacists who never took real lunch breaks and that was how i picture all pharmacists to be. Everybody in the company gets to travel. A LOT. it's for business but still the thought of going to Vienna or Sao Paolo for a conference sounds like this job is right up my alley.
But it's also not like the hospital in a way you only deal with ONE drug and you have to think like a business person. what sells, what can we do to make it sell, who do we need to talk to....am i ready for that? am i BUILT for that? lots of unanswered questions that need to be answered right now.
and i miss the spontaneity. yes, when you take a more direct role doing clinical pharmacy alongside physicians and nurses and patients. it can be frustrating at times, as i learned from my medicine rotation. but here you are making a difference, but indirectly and you DONT konw if your product is actually better. you kind of have to convince people that it is. i hope i'm making sense so far.
anyway, from what i've learned so far, it's gonna be HARD to break into industry, as i was told by my preceptor who was VERY good when she was a student and interviewed everywhere.
i need more positive messages in my life. :/
2009年9月28日 星期一
tomorrow is a new day....
Finally after 7 weeks of doing a whole lot of nothing (in terms of studying and getting ready for the board) then finally getting sick, I am ready for the first day of "work" tomorrow. Over the weekend I moved most of my work clothes over to get ready for my industry rotation in Thousand Oaks. It is a bit scary because i've never done industry before and therefore have no experience in it. I am somewhat terrified that I will look dumb on my first day. But also I am really hoping this will be an eye opening experience for me since I have no idea whether to go into industry or hospital (if they will have me) 8 months from now. If i dont suck too much, maybe i can even get a rec letter out of it (fingers crossed).
I'm really not enjoying this anxiety. not knowing what to expect. but i've had the same feelings before right before my medicine rotation. This can't be worse, right? at least i dont have to constantly pull from my clinical background (and i have NONE). but at the same time, i'm a HORRIBLE writer. so if i have to review any medical literature and come up with a somewhat presentable material, it will be a ridiculous piece due to my misplaced articles.
ok, ok, no freaking out today. gotta go blow my nose now.
I'm really not enjoying this anxiety. not knowing what to expect. but i've had the same feelings before right before my medicine rotation. This can't be worse, right? at least i dont have to constantly pull from my clinical background (and i have NONE). but at the same time, i'm a HORRIBLE writer. so if i have to review any medical literature and come up with a somewhat presentable material, it will be a ridiculous piece due to my misplaced articles.
ok, ok, no freaking out today. gotta go blow my nose now.
2009年9月25日 星期五
caught the flu...
how could this be happening?
so 2 days ago it was one of hottest days in LA and i thoroughly enjoyed using other people's AC by visiting different coffeeshops/bookstore/hairdresser's. and that night i started runny nose. The morning after i woke up with killer sore throat and just general fatigue. i felt so crappy that i had to cancel a prior appt with a friend. then i pretty much stayed home all day. Last night it escalated a little. I woke up at 4am with just this really nauseaus feelings. but i wasn't able to throw up or really "go" in the bathroom. the rest of the day i felt really weak and i had to cancel another appt due to my condition.
I started measuring my oral temp, and it was consistently 98.6F which is the highest end of the normal range. i just felt like i had this low grade fever all day long that is making it impossible for me to really sleep restfully or even read in bed. periodically i'd get out of bed to eat and drink a little (so far cranberry/apple juice).
i read online that during summer time most young people who contract the flu most likely have H1N1 (shit!). and i pretty much have most of the symptoms: runny nose, sore throat, diarrhea, low grade fever, weakness in muscles. but nothing urgent that i need to immediately be treated for like chest pain or high fever or altered mental status. I am following the CDC guide and just stay home until i'm fever free.
how this happened i have NO IDEA. it definitely sucks that i caught the flu. now i'm trying to protect my family by staying at least 6 feet from them and alcohol disinfect my hands when i've touched the remote or used the bathroom. I try to stay in my room most of the time and it's driving me crazy.
and i look like shit. i haven't showered in three days and my hair is disgusting.
so 2 days ago it was one of hottest days in LA and i thoroughly enjoyed using other people's AC by visiting different coffeeshops/bookstore/hairdresser's. and that night i started runny nose. The morning after i woke up with killer sore throat and just general fatigue. i felt so crappy that i had to cancel a prior appt with a friend. then i pretty much stayed home all day. Last night it escalated a little. I woke up at 4am with just this really nauseaus feelings. but i wasn't able to throw up or really "go" in the bathroom. the rest of the day i felt really weak and i had to cancel another appt due to my condition.
I started measuring my oral temp, and it was consistently 98.6F which is the highest end of the normal range. i just felt like i had this low grade fever all day long that is making it impossible for me to really sleep restfully or even read in bed. periodically i'd get out of bed to eat and drink a little (so far cranberry/apple juice).
i read online that during summer time most young people who contract the flu most likely have H1N1 (shit!). and i pretty much have most of the symptoms: runny nose, sore throat, diarrhea, low grade fever, weakness in muscles. but nothing urgent that i need to immediately be treated for like chest pain or high fever or altered mental status. I am following the CDC guide and just stay home until i'm fever free.
how this happened i have NO IDEA. it definitely sucks that i caught the flu. now i'm trying to protect my family by staying at least 6 feet from them and alcohol disinfect my hands when i've touched the remote or used the bathroom. I try to stay in my room most of the time and it's driving me crazy.
and i look like shit. i haven't showered in three days and my hair is disgusting.
2009年9月24日 星期四
sick today
i woke up with a pretty bad runny nose that continued from last night despite my good effort of taking that super disgusting alka seltzer which almost made me puke. and my body was aching all over and my sore throat made swallowing breakfast really difficult.
i'm hoping i'ts not swine flu or anything. judging from the fact that i haven't had really bad fever and chills and n/v/d i should be fine. hopefully it's only bacterial. but still. 4 more days til next rotation. this is BAD news.
and now everyone's out of the house becuase they dont want to catch it from me. what am i gonna have for lunch after i drag myself out of bed???
i'm hoping i'ts not swine flu or anything. judging from the fact that i haven't had really bad fever and chills and n/v/d i should be fine. hopefully it's only bacterial. but still. 4 more days til next rotation. this is BAD news.
and now everyone's out of the house becuase they dont want to catch it from me. what am i gonna have for lunch after i drag myself out of bed???
2009年9月22日 星期二
wrestled with internet again
So today somewhere in the middle of my email writing it stopped working again. I tried everything i knew (which is not much). rebooted everything, checked my computer settings, nothing worked. so the problem lied with my wireless router as i found out later (great). I called Linksys and of course my call was transferred to some non-US facility. the lady managed to get my internet from Time Warner disconnected while setting the router back to default. great. So i had to hang up, call Time Warner to resend the signal, and call linksys back. This time a different guy with a even thicker accent answered. He wouldn't help me change the security settings of my router so my PDA could pick up the signal because he said his job was done once the router was working with my computer. (FYI: you have to set your router on a specific channel/as well as either WPA or WEP in order to get it to work with your PDA). and he didn't even know what a PDA was and asked me to explain. WTF!
At this point i was ready to give up. I called up another techinical support i've tried before who charged for their service. And apparently the package i paid for last time was only good for a week of support. I would have to pay an additional $70 for them to help me configure my router/PDA.
Although over the years i've somewhat trained myself to be a little tech/auto savvy due to the fact that 1) i dont have a bf who can help me with all that stuff and 2) i have 98% female friends.
There are days when you think dating someone from the Geek Squad is the fartherest thing from your mind, and there are days when you think you would give up a muscle man to go out with a geek. Today would be a good day to date one.
At this point i was ready to give up. I called up another techinical support i've tried before who charged for their service. And apparently the package i paid for last time was only good for a week of support. I would have to pay an additional $70 for them to help me configure my router/PDA.
Although over the years i've somewhat trained myself to be a little tech/auto savvy due to the fact that 1) i dont have a bf who can help me with all that stuff and 2) i have 98% female friends.
There are days when you think dating someone from the Geek Squad is the fartherest thing from your mind, and there are days when you think you would give up a muscle man to go out with a geek. Today would be a good day to date one.
should i stay or should i go now
Yesterday was the first of the many events that can potentially affect my immediate future- residency showcase. Lately I've been thinking a lot about doing it or at least a fellowship and where i might want to do it. Ideally, in a different city. But i was sharing those sentiments with my parents who are in town and they did not like what they heard. I was told that i should probably check out some of the hospitals closer to where we live and so i can continue living HERE. this was not the first time we had this discussion about how much i hate LA and want to move out. So i was feeling pretty frustrated.
I went and checked out most of the programs..and i liked what i saw. the residents and the directors were nice and friendly. And even though i knew the chances of me getting into the top programs were as slim as a needle, i enjoyed talking to them and finding out the information i wanted to know. Basically, with some programs you could structure it however way you want it. there's some core rotations, some inpatient, some ambulatory. But there's a good variety so you're exposed to everything. I might even apply to some of the programs i had not considered before.
So the question is, should i stay or should i go? Again i'm sure somehow i will come back here or go 'home home' when i'm done with all the craziness. But right now my mentality is very much getting the heck out of here. even if it's only san diego. I understand that if i stayed in LA i'll have more opportunities to be with my family when they visit. But also dont thinkg being in my late twenties and living home is a good idea. I miss it when i had roommates and was actively meeting people and having a social life. and i REALLY need to do that for my own sake so i can feel like an independent woman again.
Of course, now that i've spent so much time in soCal, most of my friends will be here after we graduate. And I really enjoy the fact that i can go get a drink after work and rant about rotation/school after a really long day. And on the weekends i can hang out with another group and just be comfortable with who i am. these are the things i will have to give up once i move. Because let's face it, a lot of things can go wrong when you're by yourself in a different city. you could have a super inconsiderate roommate, or colleagues who you dont get along with, and residency programs that drive you insane and pay you pocket change for the time you put in. and within 3 weeks you'd want to go home. yes these are indeed very concerning risks. but i think im still young enough to face all that challenges before i really committ myself to a long-term job back home and stay with that company until i'm fifty (or whenever i'm laid off). I'd like to use the last couple years in my twenties being adventurous and career oriented and possibly get the love life going again after a super long hiatus (which made people suspect that i was actually a lesbian).
so now i gotta convince my parents that it's a good idea, AFTER i get in.
I went and checked out most of the programs..and i liked what i saw. the residents and the directors were nice and friendly. And even though i knew the chances of me getting into the top programs were as slim as a needle, i enjoyed talking to them and finding out the information i wanted to know. Basically, with some programs you could structure it however way you want it. there's some core rotations, some inpatient, some ambulatory. But there's a good variety so you're exposed to everything. I might even apply to some of the programs i had not considered before.
So the question is, should i stay or should i go? Again i'm sure somehow i will come back here or go 'home home' when i'm done with all the craziness. But right now my mentality is very much getting the heck out of here. even if it's only san diego. I understand that if i stayed in LA i'll have more opportunities to be with my family when they visit. But also dont thinkg being in my late twenties and living home is a good idea. I miss it when i had roommates and was actively meeting people and having a social life. and i REALLY need to do that for my own sake so i can feel like an independent woman again.
Of course, now that i've spent so much time in soCal, most of my friends will be here after we graduate. And I really enjoy the fact that i can go get a drink after work and rant about rotation/school after a really long day. And on the weekends i can hang out with another group and just be comfortable with who i am. these are the things i will have to give up once i move. Because let's face it, a lot of things can go wrong when you're by yourself in a different city. you could have a super inconsiderate roommate, or colleagues who you dont get along with, and residency programs that drive you insane and pay you pocket change for the time you put in. and within 3 weeks you'd want to go home. yes these are indeed very concerning risks. but i think im still young enough to face all that challenges before i really committ myself to a long-term job back home and stay with that company until i'm fifty (or whenever i'm laid off). I'd like to use the last couple years in my twenties being adventurous and career oriented and possibly get the love life going again after a super long hiatus (which made people suspect that i was actually a lesbian).
so now i gotta convince my parents that it's a good idea, AFTER i get in.
2009年9月20日 星期日
Back from Chicago. this is the 2nd time i've visited the wind city in the past 6 months. Still very fun nevertheless. got to do a lot of things I didn't get to do last time. for example, getting a Go Card and maximizing its use:
1. taking the Gray Line tour of the South side of Chicago: didn't get to pop in this neighborhood at all last time i was here. it was pretty easy to get to the meeting point where the tour departed. We drove passed Kenwood where Obama's house is and the local pizzeria/barbershop/baskin robins etc. also University of Chicago and its medical center where i will never get in...
2. Skydeck on the now Willis Tower (formerly Sears). super fun because i could cut in front of everybody with my GoCard and there weren't that many visitors anyway. the view was fantastic and i thoroughly enjoyed the Ledge, the new glass installation/protrusion out the building on the 103rd floor you can literally stand on and watch the traffic beneath your feet. I should have been really scared, but i wasn't because the excitement took over too much. ;)
3. visited ALL of the museums: because they were all included!! so we visited the Adler Plantetarium (fun x1), Shedd Aquarium (fun x 3, lots of exotic fishes and the white whale), and the Field Museum (fun x 100, Sue the T. Rex and lot of other interesting stuff about earth and its beginnings were on display. oh, and the largest mummies collections).
4. and i finally got to window shop. last time i hit magnificent mile i was so tired i literally just sat on the bench in the lobby. but this time we actually took our time with the 900 shops and the water tower place and nordstrom and neiman marcus...it was shopping heaven! Although i still didn't buy anything because i was too lazy to try anythng on and bring anything back...but Macys on State st was real pretty for sure.
5. different coffeeshops! one of my favorite things to do while being outside of east LA where the closest choice is usually..you guessed it..starbucks! or coffeebean/seattle's best/peet's. we took our time to try out every coffeeshop around the corner. and i really loved Argo Tea (i experienced tea euphoria there) and Lavazza coffee and au bon pain and Corner Bakery. can i PLEASE move to a big city already where there's tea shops around the corner where i live???
6. Pizza- Giordanos. Yum last time, Yum this time.
7. Hot Dog - Portillo's. yum both times. the italian sausage was to die for.
8. Signature room on the 95th floor of JOhn Hancock tower - love both times. had a bottle of sparkling wine which tasted yummy and the plum tart and coconut bavarian. interesting desserts i never had before.
9. Architecture cruise and Navy Pier (and the firework show at night)
10. the Bean, art institue (the Grant Wood drawing was there this time!)
11. and the people were exceedingly nice. i wish i didn't have to choose btw moving away to somwhere i really like and some place whre i can be close to my friends and family. :( everybody knows how much i LIKE LA...but this is where most my friends/family are...
last trip before the start of my rotation next week! ><
1. taking the Gray Line tour of the South side of Chicago: didn't get to pop in this neighborhood at all last time i was here. it was pretty easy to get to the meeting point where the tour departed. We drove passed Kenwood where Obama's house is and the local pizzeria/barbershop/baskin robins etc. also University of Chicago and its medical center where i will never get in...
2. Skydeck on the now Willis Tower (formerly Sears). super fun because i could cut in front of everybody with my GoCard and there weren't that many visitors anyway. the view was fantastic and i thoroughly enjoyed the Ledge, the new glass installation/protrusion out the building on the 103rd floor you can literally stand on and watch the traffic beneath your feet. I should have been really scared, but i wasn't because the excitement took over too much. ;)
3. visited ALL of the museums: because they were all included!! so we visited the Adler Plantetarium (fun x1), Shedd Aquarium (fun x 3, lots of exotic fishes and the white whale), and the Field Museum (fun x 100, Sue the T. Rex and lot of other interesting stuff about earth and its beginnings were on display. oh, and the largest mummies collections).
4. and i finally got to window shop. last time i hit magnificent mile i was so tired i literally just sat on the bench in the lobby. but this time we actually took our time with the 900 shops and the water tower place and nordstrom and neiman marcus...it was shopping heaven! Although i still didn't buy anything because i was too lazy to try anythng on and bring anything back...but Macys on State st was real pretty for sure.
5. different coffeeshops! one of my favorite things to do while being outside of east LA where the closest choice is usually..you guessed it..starbucks! or coffeebean/seattle's best/peet's. we took our time to try out every coffeeshop around the corner. and i really loved Argo Tea (i experienced tea euphoria there) and Lavazza coffee and au bon pain and Corner Bakery. can i PLEASE move to a big city already where there's tea shops around the corner where i live???
6. Pizza- Giordanos. Yum last time, Yum this time.
7. Hot Dog - Portillo's. yum both times. the italian sausage was to die for.
8. Signature room on the 95th floor of JOhn Hancock tower - love both times. had a bottle of sparkling wine which tasted yummy and the plum tart and coconut bavarian. interesting desserts i never had before.
9. Architecture cruise and Navy Pier (and the firework show at night)
10. the Bean, art institue (the Grant Wood drawing was there this time!)
11. and the people were exceedingly nice. i wish i didn't have to choose btw moving away to somwhere i really like and some place whre i can be close to my friends and family. :( everybody knows how much i LIKE LA...but this is where most my friends/family are...
last trip before the start of my rotation next week! ><
2009年9月14日 星期一
ahh no time!
haha it's already pretty late and i really should hit the bed soon. so i'm just gonan write up a short one. went to santa monica today and got a blazer (FINALLY)...been wanting one of those forever and now i finally have one. goes with everything and looks instantly dressed up. my FIRST blazer. :) at a reasonable price too. took my parents to Anisette Boulangerie. ordered some beef tartare, steak au poivre and salmon tartine. delicieux.
will update about my annoying neighbors later. but yeah. few things in life can get me REALLY WORKED UP. one of them being extremely inconsiderate neighbors who park their cars on the driveway next to my window every night/morning, leave their engine on, play piano until midnight, have construnctions year-round that start at 7am, and let their super whiney and loud kids cry into the night (and morning) without any sort of intervention. still trying to come up with a good way to get back at them without breaking the law or shouting obscenities out my window. any ideas?
will update about my annoying neighbors later. but yeah. few things in life can get me REALLY WORKED UP. one of them being extremely inconsiderate neighbors who park their cars on the driveway next to my window every night/morning, leave their engine on, play piano until midnight, have construnctions year-round that start at 7am, and let their super whiney and loud kids cry into the night (and morning) without any sort of intervention. still trying to come up with a good way to get back at them without breaking the law or shouting obscenities out my window. any ideas?
2009年9月11日 星期五
yee haw!
yep! it's that time of the year again. what i did yesterday was precisely that, attending the LA county fair! i'm HUGE on county fairs, whatever county i've resided in i have to attend their county fairs. yesterday was a perfect day to go, a weekday so probably less crowded and cheaper and so close to home, i took my parents to the county fair. Of course, what is a county fair without paying a visit to the barn animals..? We stopped by my favorite section..PIGS!! haha these piglets were taking their afternoon nap in groups. for some odd reason (as i've noticed before) they love to sleep in a pile right next to each other. i have a series of photos following them migrating to literally on top of each other. they were also super cute when they ran. it totally reminded me of my Babe stuffed animal at home. can i PLEASE get a pet piglet??? their snouts are just too cute!
haha yeah. i literally can go on and on forever about how cute these piglets are. i'm pretty sure instead of a cat lady, i will turn into a pig lady with no doubt. so the rest of the time we ate a frozen lemonade (hmmmm~) and walked through different exhibition halls. i got these lotion and skincare set from a lady who makes organic products in beverly hills. felt nice on my skin so i got a set. then we walked by a booth that sold these magic mops (think tv infomercial) and it was literally that. the guy demonstrated how good his product was and we were sold. well, we needed a mop to replace our Wetjet anyway. these microfibers on the mop was supposed to be so good that the static picks up everything. you can then use the same mop with some water to MOP the floor.
Our last purchase was 2 pairs of Ray Ban imitations...2 pair for $15. haha! i dont mind the tackiness as long as they looked good and they did.
ahhh..i LOVE county fairs. :)
2009年9月9日 星期三
fetished guys
Today i was running a bunch of errands in the morning, including picking my car up from the garage...the damage parts from previous accidents were fixed, and with the insurance kicking in cost about $500. I was missing it a lot when i was on my trip, and when i reunited with it i almost couldn't recognize it! the entire right side was perfect. they matched the color and really did a great job. and THEN....
As i was driving home in super good mood, i came to a red light. i noticed the car next to me (in the left turn lane) stopped as well (and there was no car in front of it, so he was practicaly stopped in the middle of the left turn lane next to me). NOrmally i wouldn't even bother to turn because i hate how sometimes drivers check each other out in LA (because we are all bored in traffic, i suppose). but today i did. I thought i might have a flat tire (happened a month ago). so i rolled down my window, and this dude was looking straight at me. and then he mouthed something. i was like what? and he said it again. and now i heard it loud and clear. he was asking for a friggin BODY MASSAGE! i mean, WHAT THE F**K! because i'm asian i know how to give massages with my toes with botanical oil? what the hell?! i was so shocked at how offensive this whole thing was and how disgusting a human being this guy was and how unbelievable shit like this even happened to me. who does he think he is? are there still psychos like him who go around thinking asian females are submissive and hypersexual? the thought angers me.
The funny thing is, i recently read an article about the latest TROPHY WIVES, being young, foxy asian females coupled up with disgustingly old, out of shape, twice or thrice her age white business tycoons (please refer to the latest issue of marie claire) and i totally agree with the author! she (asian as well) was merciless in her article and attacked every aspect of these relationships. these horribly dysfunctional relationships and many others between highly unmatched interracial couples make asian females look highly (and easily) attainable. thanks to these ladies i will continue to be harrassed by freaks everywhere old enough to be my grandpa and still want to sleep with me or get a full body massage.
Oh god i'm so angry at that guy. he needs to shoot himself.
As i was driving home in super good mood, i came to a red light. i noticed the car next to me (in the left turn lane) stopped as well (and there was no car in front of it, so he was practicaly stopped in the middle of the left turn lane next to me). NOrmally i wouldn't even bother to turn because i hate how sometimes drivers check each other out in LA (because we are all bored in traffic, i suppose). but today i did. I thought i might have a flat tire (happened a month ago). so i rolled down my window, and this dude was looking straight at me. and then he mouthed something. i was like what? and he said it again. and now i heard it loud and clear. he was asking for a friggin BODY MASSAGE! i mean, WHAT THE F**K! because i'm asian i know how to give massages with my toes with botanical oil? what the hell?! i was so shocked at how offensive this whole thing was and how disgusting a human being this guy was and how unbelievable shit like this even happened to me. who does he think he is? are there still psychos like him who go around thinking asian females are submissive and hypersexual? the thought angers me.
The funny thing is, i recently read an article about the latest TROPHY WIVES, being young, foxy asian females coupled up with disgustingly old, out of shape, twice or thrice her age white business tycoons (please refer to the latest issue of marie claire) and i totally agree with the author! she (asian as well) was merciless in her article and attacked every aspect of these relationships. these horribly dysfunctional relationships and many others between highly unmatched interracial couples make asian females look highly (and easily) attainable. thanks to these ladies i will continue to be harrassed by freaks everywhere old enough to be my grandpa and still want to sleep with me or get a full body massage.
Oh god i'm so angry at that guy. he needs to shoot himself.
2009年9月7日 星期一
mental stress, already
I just finished corresponding with a friend via email and found out about the happenings from her rotation. and immediately the stress came back. it's only been 2 days after i returned from prague and right away i feel like i'm behind already. this is bad. i'm feeling GUILTY about taking a break.
Basically i was updated about her rotation. she's taking a particularly challenging one that requires a lot of hours but she's also learning a lot. but her preceptor was nice enough to take them out to celebrate the midpoint of her rotation. and the attending physician took the whole team out to dinner. yes i know, none of this ever happened to me.
I'm feeling anxious and sort of sad at the same time. like i know i wont be having any more hospital rotations until next year. and during this time i will be forgetting everythign i've learned thusfar and will look bad during my interview. and regarding the social aspect, i was never treated liek a part of the team during my hospital rotation. i was never directly talked to, neither was i invited to any of their mini lectures. my friend's attending asked her to listen to the pt's chest with the stethoscope and also invited her to coffee with the rest of the team. my other friends would go to dim-sum or Yardhouse with their preceptors and that never happened to me either.
I'm looking at the Prague city guide that is sitting on my desk right now and it all feels so far, far away.
Basically i was updated about her rotation. she's taking a particularly challenging one that requires a lot of hours but she's also learning a lot. but her preceptor was nice enough to take them out to celebrate the midpoint of her rotation. and the attending physician took the whole team out to dinner. yes i know, none of this ever happened to me.
I'm feeling anxious and sort of sad at the same time. like i know i wont be having any more hospital rotations until next year. and during this time i will be forgetting everythign i've learned thusfar and will look bad during my interview. and regarding the social aspect, i was never treated liek a part of the team during my hospital rotation. i was never directly talked to, neither was i invited to any of their mini lectures. my friend's attending asked her to listen to the pt's chest with the stethoscope and also invited her to coffee with the rest of the team. my other friends would go to dim-sum or Yardhouse with their preceptors and that never happened to me either.
I'm looking at the Prague city guide that is sitting on my desk right now and it all feels so far, far away.
2009年8月23日 星期日
older man...
Is it so wrong for me to have a thing for an older man?? haha ok. i must say that after watching Galileo i've developed a super celebrity crush on 福山雅治. really talented as a musician and an actor. I must say that after the above music video in which he wrote and played his own song along with 柴崎幸 i was totally mesmorized. he's officially the only person who's broken my age bracket for liking someone (+5 and - 2 from my own age). haha, i normally dont condone may-december romance but i'd say 'hell yeah' in his case.
:) by the way this is a music video called Kiss Shitte by the band he formed with 柴崎幸 called KOH+. and he's FORTY years old.
2009年8月21日 星期五
lotsa things....
Lotsa things happened today..
- stopped by old work place to turn in paper work for my intern hour sign-off: haven't seen my boss et al. for a while (more like 2 years, intentionally). surprised that everyone still recognized me (didn't want them to). had a nice civil interaction with all esp. with boss. will probably pick up hour sheet on monday. glad things went well. have been dreading about it forever since things didn't exactly end on a good note when i left.
- sent sis off to school dorm: felt slightly sentimental and worried. although didn't always get along with her but still worried about her new life and her somewhat scary driving skill in downtown LA. know that she will probably be fine but do miss her a little since she is the youngest and i tend to take care of her a lot.
- finally joined the iphone clan: have been wanting it forever. but my phone wasn't exactly broken and worked fine. whatever suckiness i had to deal with i've somehow grown used to it. i chose the last generation which cost $100 less. I mean, i really dont think another 8GB makes that big a difference, esp. when i dont get to use it! honestly, what can i possibly fit in my phone to fill up that 16GB space? i'd rather put that money where i need it-- a camera that takes nice pictures. my Stylus from Olympus definitely has to be replaced since it doesn't take pictures in day OR night. if i dont use flash nothing gets captured. anyway...good to have an iphone. i can do lots with it. :)
- met up with a friend for some okonomyaki and taiyaki. not as good as what one'd get in tw but i enjoyed the chat so much more. hmm old friends. <3
- oh, and the day before yesterday. i finally tried out Roy's (this hawaiian fusion restaurant) summer prix-fixed menu with my friend who i did HI rotation with. conclusion: the sirloin, over-cooked and tough; appetizer, pretty yummy shrimp spring roll; chocolate molten cake with ice cream, delicious; service: the waiter couldn't stop staring at my friend like he's never seen a woman before, even when he was explaining my entrees to me. but she tends to have this effect on men as i've witnessed about 100x while out with her. so i guess i can't really blame his hormone-driven rxn.
ahh! and a flying cricket just nearly attacked me. help!
- stopped by old work place to turn in paper work for my intern hour sign-off: haven't seen my boss et al. for a while (more like 2 years, intentionally). surprised that everyone still recognized me (didn't want them to). had a nice civil interaction with all esp. with boss. will probably pick up hour sheet on monday. glad things went well. have been dreading about it forever since things didn't exactly end on a good note when i left.
- sent sis off to school dorm: felt slightly sentimental and worried. although didn't always get along with her but still worried about her new life and her somewhat scary driving skill in downtown LA. know that she will probably be fine but do miss her a little since she is the youngest and i tend to take care of her a lot.
- finally joined the iphone clan: have been wanting it forever. but my phone wasn't exactly broken and worked fine. whatever suckiness i had to deal with i've somehow grown used to it. i chose the last generation which cost $100 less. I mean, i really dont think another 8GB makes that big a difference, esp. when i dont get to use it! honestly, what can i possibly fit in my phone to fill up that 16GB space? i'd rather put that money where i need it-- a camera that takes nice pictures. my Stylus from Olympus definitely has to be replaced since it doesn't take pictures in day OR night. if i dont use flash nothing gets captured. anyway...good to have an iphone. i can do lots with it. :)
- met up with a friend for some okonomyaki and taiyaki. not as good as what one'd get in tw but i enjoyed the chat so much more. hmm old friends. <3
- oh, and the day before yesterday. i finally tried out Roy's (this hawaiian fusion restaurant) summer prix-fixed menu with my friend who i did HI rotation with. conclusion: the sirloin, over-cooked and tough; appetizer, pretty yummy shrimp spring roll; chocolate molten cake with ice cream, delicious; service: the waiter couldn't stop staring at my friend like he's never seen a woman before, even when he was explaining my entrees to me. but she tends to have this effect on men as i've witnessed about 100x while out with her. so i guess i can't really blame his hormone-driven rxn.
ahh! and a flying cricket just nearly attacked me. help!
2009年8月20日 星期四
where in the world...
where in the world....
Yesterday i didn't feel like studying after a long day..so i decided to research on some of the residency programs for next year. Of course i realize with my grades things are not looking up. but i want to at least keep my options open.
so here are the states i'm the most interested in: CA (only in SD or SF), NY (NYC), MA(Boston), HI (Honolulu), IL (chicago)
here are my second tiers: WA (seattle), MD (Baltimore), TX (?)
it's pretty hilarious seeing how most people apply for only 5 programs or less, and the states i've listed already exceed the average. I'm sure in the end i will weed out the not-so-good ones so i won't sound ridiculous when i ask for rec letters. i would say in 90% of these cities i know not a single soul. So that by itself is a pretty big issue too. of course i can make new friends but judging from my hawaii experience that can be a little problematic with a residency program. the 2 residents i knew there #1 is from hawaii and #2 has his famliy there with him. Most pharmacy programs take only 2 residents and they work them HARD like they shouldn't even think about having a life at all. So forget about joining the local gym and meeting people there. you live and breathe pharmacy for the whole year (which in turn will make you really boring for anyone to hit on at a coffeeshop).
So where do i want to be? where do i see myself in one year? what do i want to get out of the experience? will i make any connections there? or if i like it too much will i end up staying and not coming back to CA? is it worth it if i want to eventually transition into industry? do i want to end up in industry?
here are my extremely superficial reasons for each of my choices:
NYC, Boston, Baltimore: just cuz i want to get east coast out of my system and because i hate dealing with LA traffic.
SD/SF: because I really liked these two cities in CA and have always wanted to go back
for a while i actually started thinking about the military programs because the bonuses are just too good to pass up. but as i got more serious about it, my parents have also become more firm about not wanting me to join or even speak to a recruiter about it (after i signed up for the information packet and whatnot). after finding out the committment (4 years including residency) i also have somewhat changed my mind. since i can't be sure if hospital is the thing for me and i have lots of decisions to make in the next 2 years, military probably isn't the best choice right now.
so anyway, not much progress being made here. if i get asked where i see myself in 5 years? i honestly dont have a clue.
Yesterday i didn't feel like studying after a long day..so i decided to research on some of the residency programs for next year. Of course i realize with my grades things are not looking up. but i want to at least keep my options open.
so here are the states i'm the most interested in: CA (only in SD or SF), NY (NYC), MA(Boston), HI (Honolulu), IL (chicago)
here are my second tiers: WA (seattle), MD (Baltimore), TX (?)
it's pretty hilarious seeing how most people apply for only 5 programs or less, and the states i've listed already exceed the average. I'm sure in the end i will weed out the not-so-good ones so i won't sound ridiculous when i ask for rec letters. i would say in 90% of these cities i know not a single soul. So that by itself is a pretty big issue too. of course i can make new friends but judging from my hawaii experience that can be a little problematic with a residency program. the 2 residents i knew there #1 is from hawaii and #2 has his famliy there with him. Most pharmacy programs take only 2 residents and they work them HARD like they shouldn't even think about having a life at all. So forget about joining the local gym and meeting people there. you live and breathe pharmacy for the whole year (which in turn will make you really boring for anyone to hit on at a coffeeshop).
So where do i want to be? where do i see myself in one year? what do i want to get out of the experience? will i make any connections there? or if i like it too much will i end up staying and not coming back to CA? is it worth it if i want to eventually transition into industry? do i want to end up in industry?
here are my extremely superficial reasons for each of my choices:
NYC, Boston, Baltimore: just cuz i want to get east coast out of my system and because i hate dealing with LA traffic.
SD/SF: because I really liked these two cities in CA and have always wanted to go back
for a while i actually started thinking about the military programs because the bonuses are just too good to pass up. but as i got more serious about it, my parents have also become more firm about not wanting me to join or even speak to a recruiter about it (after i signed up for the information packet and whatnot). after finding out the committment (4 years including residency) i also have somewhat changed my mind. since i can't be sure if hospital is the thing for me and i have lots of decisions to make in the next 2 years, military probably isn't the best choice right now.
so anyway, not much progress being made here. if i get asked where i see myself in 5 years? i honestly dont have a clue.
2009年7月29日 星期三
LOVIN' THE NEW LAYOUT
haha yes..after one year of the same ol' thing i finally changed my layout! This looks awesome..i'm lovin' it so much i think i'm gonna have to keep it..for ANOTHER YEAR.. haha.
Ok so aside from that. i had a SUPER productive day. i woke up this morning feelin kinda groggy and whatnot. had a big healthy breakfast with whole grain + flaxseed toast and soy yogurt and beef franks and milk + multi vitamin, and went back to sleep some more. gotta maximize my day off! then i made myself a salad upon waking up and got ready to leave for the coffeeshop to study. I was super efficient at Starbucks and finished 80% of my final presenation. now i just have to fill in some of the blanks and make slides out of it but basically the whole things is done. That should free up a lot of my time this weekend with my parents.
speaking of my parents, who are arriving in less than 24 hr (yay!), I have been systematically cleaning the house in which i made a total mess. I believe it's been more than half a year since i even vaccuum the floor. AFter finals i left for hawaii immediately and when i came back i started my 2nd rotation right away, which left me no time to organize any of my notes or to put things back where they belong. So after my productive 4 hrs at starbucks, i went to the mall (Express) to exchange a slightly inappropriate skirt for some more work clothes, had a quick dinner with a close friend at Cheesecake (yummy appetizers) and went home to clean til about 11pm. whew. what a day. which made me extremely tired... i'm sure i'll be feeling the backache tomorrow morning. Oh well, at least that keeps my mind busy.
a friend leaves tomorrow. i don't like goodbyes!
2009年7月28日 星期二
negativity
so before i meet anyone who can prove me wrong, i'm gonna say i have no luck with men i like
case in point: guys who are attracted to people AROUND me but not me, guys who already have gfs, guys who only hit on me because they've been single forever...
what did i do wrong in my past life? ;)
case in point: guys who are attracted to people AROUND me but not me, guys who already have gfs, guys who only hit on me because they've been single forever...
what did i do wrong in my past life? ;)
thoughts
So i finally met up with a friend who did the rotation with me in HI for the first time. i was able to talk freely about the experience and have someone be able to relate to it. last time i saw her we were saying our goodbyes to Tripler with lots of sentimentality and now we are both back in LA carrying on with our lives. i guess things do change pretty quickly dont they. i am now at the end of my second rotation and preparing for a presentation AGAIN, and before i know it, i'll be done with 1/3 of my rotations and finally go on a break. i NEED that break desperately. mentally i've already checked out 5 weeks ago at the end of my medicine. i literally went from my excruciating 2nd semester into both my rotations. i need to take a break and just BREATHE. and SLEEP.
Aside from that, lots of goodbyes for the upcoming months. 2 of my closest friends will be departing for B school. and i just had my final farewell dinner with one on sunday. and 2 of my close roommates will be married by the end of the year, so there's some adjustment to do as well (mostly having to look REALLY happy and REALLY comfortable at the single's table).
I guess being busy helps with the goodbyes since i will have less time to focus on it. but also i'm sure i'll be thinking lots about my upcoming rotations and where i want to be. right now i'm looking at some critical care ones in norCal to see if i can handle stressful situations. if i really do a bad job 5 months after having my medicine rotation then i know residencies and i are just not meant to be. ;)
Aside from that, lots of goodbyes for the upcoming months. 2 of my closest friends will be departing for B school. and i just had my final farewell dinner with one on sunday. and 2 of my close roommates will be married by the end of the year, so there's some adjustment to do as well (mostly having to look REALLY happy and REALLY comfortable at the single's table).
I guess being busy helps with the goodbyes since i will have less time to focus on it. but also i'm sure i'll be thinking lots about my upcoming rotations and where i want to be. right now i'm looking at some critical care ones in norCal to see if i can handle stressful situations. if i really do a bad job 5 months after having my medicine rotation then i know residencies and i are just not meant to be. ;)
2009年7月12日 星期日
need..to..get..pictures..out..
so today i realized that i have another unexpected reader of my blog...or rather follower of my blog. which again made me somewhat embarrassed. For those who dont actually talk to me on a daily bases and only read about my life i probably sound like a depressed maniac everyday with lots of anger..who has no life, and enjoys nothing...
IT'S NOT TRUE!
I do get out of the house and do "stuff"...all kinds of "stuff"...random stuff, dorky stuff, family stuff, friend stuff, fun stuff, boring stuff, and work/school related stuff...but i think my blog is starting to give people the wrong idea..;)
DISCLAIMER: I only blog when i feel down!! yep. i realized that i started this blog because I wanted to be positive, i wanted to record the happy thoughts in my life..and look what i've done NOW. Perhaps i should start ANOTHER blog and stick to the happy thought STRICLY. so people are not gonna be calling in prescriptions for Paxil or Zoloft for me. Maybe i should take them, but not right now (or yet). ;)
So yeah, i'll be working on my photos for the next couple days so i can get my Hawaii pictures out soon. So people won't actually think i sat in my room and did nuthin' when i was 2 thousand miles away from home (or is it 1,000 miles?). anyway...be looking out for the pictures in your mailbox..soon. :P
IT'S NOT TRUE!
I do get out of the house and do "stuff"...all kinds of "stuff"...random stuff, dorky stuff, family stuff, friend stuff, fun stuff, boring stuff, and work/school related stuff...but i think my blog is starting to give people the wrong idea..;)
DISCLAIMER: I only blog when i feel down!! yep. i realized that i started this blog because I wanted to be positive, i wanted to record the happy thoughts in my life..and look what i've done NOW. Perhaps i should start ANOTHER blog and stick to the happy thought STRICLY. so people are not gonna be calling in prescriptions for Paxil or Zoloft for me. Maybe i should take them, but not right now (or yet). ;)
So yeah, i'll be working on my photos for the next couple days so i can get my Hawaii pictures out soon. So people won't actually think i sat in my room and did nuthin' when i was 2 thousand miles away from home (or is it 1,000 miles?). anyway...be looking out for the pictures in your mailbox..soon. :P
you get out of your experience however much time you put in
yes. i need to drill that into my head. and stop doubting myself. my thoughts usually end with "can i do it?" or " they wont take me" or "i'm going to be miserable and regret my decisions". i dont know how else i can self-talk myself into being more positive about everything in life (as you can tell now from my blog lately).
just give it your all and you wont regret anything.
just give it your all and you wont regret anything.
2009年7月9日 星期四
A cathartic experience
After coming home for so long...i'm starting to be able to really look at the HI experience objectively and dissect it completely. And I must say that I am about 70% recovered. I am starting to listen to the music i liked before i left and enjoy my ME time more and enjoy the presence of my friends. Today I was finally able to write the evalutation for the organization I am in so people in the future will learn the in's and out's of this rotation. I was finally able to breakdown my likes and dislikes of the rotation and what i liked about each component of it. I was able to give constructive suggestions on how to improve your experience at this site and what you can expect. I am hoping that, through my expereince the next student will be able to avoid the pitfalls and really get the most out of it. I did learn a lot, in many ways. About myself and about others. I've learned that I am tougher than i think. I was stressed everyday from having to deal with the hostility from some of the doctors but i didn't sink. i was able to give it my all and walked away with the guidelines in my head and the clinical pearls. i was able to retain the good habit of always showing up super early and reading up on anything questions that come up during discussion. I was able to manage up to 18 pts at a time even when it was only the 2nd week of my rotation. i was able to speak up during rounds and make intervention even though i got shot down sometimes by the attending physicians. i was able to sit through all that male-oriented discussion about everything i hate and not kill everyone in the room (haha). I have become more assertive, in answering questions and thinking critically and finding out answers and in dealing with other members of the healthcare team.
and i've become more driven. I have come to realize how little i really know. So maybe this is the upside of my PTSD experience. during my free time i read different literature because i know one day this will all be useful. I am a lot more serious now about doing a residency/fellowship. be a cheaper labor for a couple years before i can reach that dream job. i mean..it's probably going to suck, and i will really regret it when i work 14 days straight and pull 10 hr days. but hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel. hopefully...
(if not, i'll really have to come up with a Plan B...)
and i've become more driven. I have come to realize how little i really know. So maybe this is the upside of my PTSD experience. during my free time i read different literature because i know one day this will all be useful. I am a lot more serious now about doing a residency/fellowship. be a cheaper labor for a couple years before i can reach that dream job. i mean..it's probably going to suck, and i will really regret it when i work 14 days straight and pull 10 hr days. but hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel. hopefully...
(if not, i'll really have to come up with a Plan B...)
2009年6月30日 星期二
how i got here i have no idea
this morning i was having breakfast with an old friend. from back in college. i was spilling lots about my rotation, and good thing he wasn't the least bit scared by my reaction (i hope). i have tried to refrain myself from talking too much or feeling too much because everyday i'm getting over it a little. but from time to time it is like PTSD, i remember scenes that have happened and they would make me very sad.
For some reason, the hawaii rotation felt like a old relationship you have with someone. it felt like a bad breakup. I was probably so hurt from it that i walked away with lots of regrets. in a way, i can't believe how much i've learned, and grown from the rotation. in that way it felt very much like a relaionship. jumping into it i had no prior experience in hospital, had no prior exposure in clinical pharmacy and what these pharmacists actually do. i had never worked with doctors before (good OR bad). and i had no time to review any material because it started the week after school ended. So today, when my preceptor was talking about the new rotation, and how there would be a learning curve, and how she didn't want to overwhelm us with too much assignment, i was thinking that i've had to handle ALL THIS. when i didn't know any better. And i was suffering so much. everyday jsut feeling bad about my incompetency. I would go home and sleep and wake up and read the guidelines until i fall asleep again. and then the next day starts. I would go in early to work up my patients just so i can have something to say during rounds. I wanted to be everything. i wanted to prove everyone including myself that i can handle it. And then when third week came around i hit rock bottom. I was crying on the way home. and i had to stop by the pharmacy just so i can get melatonin to help me sleep. i couldn't digest anything fully because i was too stressed. and i was sad from everything.
But this rotation, we have all the time in the world. we dont have to deal with physicians (good OR bad). we dont have too much reading to too. most of the time we just sit there and listen. if there's anything i'm not familiar with i am told the information. compared to before i'd be stared in the eye by the pharmacist who put you on the spot so bad that you started to doubt your own IQ. this right now is a walk in a park.
i have no physicians who would ignore me in the morning. or someone who would in appropriately flirt with me. I didn't have to show up at 6am just to work on things that no body cared about. this is like dating someone new. who is a lot more appreciative of you. who doesn't break your heart. who is nice to you and communicates with you. who you want to be married to.
i often wonder (nd my friend said so too) how i got to where i am today. a single independent girl who (seems to) care nothing about relationships and who does everything on her own, who constantly wants to challenge herself and who knows how to take care of most things in life. and i've had to explain in a way that makes sense to me, although not to others really, that ive had to learned to do all this, not because i want to beat the MEN out there. i only learned these skills because if i dont do them, nobody's gonna do it for me. and i've been single for so long that over the years i've had to do EVERYTHING. and the more you know/do, the less men find you interesting. and hence the more you have to do on your own. and the more pessimistic you are about your dating aspects. because somehow you became INTIMIDATING, or had HIGH STANDARDS, so they would say about me.
so i keep getting comments like you must have a lot of guys who hit on you/like you...and i keep having to deny it in a non-sincere way. its not even the fact that i am self-concious about my look. i am FINE with the way i looke. more than fine. i dont think i'm hot, and nobody should be allowed to say that about themselves really. but i dont get that much male attention at all. when i did, they'd stick around and act flirty, until they see my hot friends/sisters (who i'm completely fine with) and then they checked THEM out and tried to get my friends. i have not had one person prove me wrong. not one. i can list them in alphabetical orders too, these men. the most recent one, the cute french guy who i sat next to on the plane, who decided out of the blue that he would also friend-request my friend based on the fact that she looked cute. and we spent 5 hours talking on the plane before we exchanged fb information. I usualy dont do things like taht. bt he was a pleasant guy to talk to, and i didnt' get that creepy vibe from him at all. but after i realized he was trying to get to my hot friend, i blocked him.
guys do that, and they actually have the nerves to even tell me about it (how much they think my firend is cute..).
and so i am where i am today. even more pessimistic about men. even more withdrawn. because the ones i like are hard to come by, and when i do find one, they are usually married/have a gf, the ones who are single, and douchbags who are only interested me until the moment they see my better looking friend, and the ones who seemed to be interested, but never did a darn thing (he' jsut not that into you).
and i realy am fine with the way i am. I dont belong to the 2 categories of girls who men find attractive: innocent/naive looking, hot/revealing/slightly bitchy/flirts back. I am in my own catetogory. for the longest time, i thought i'd end up with someone who i will be very happy with, who would love me for me an my quirky response and my drive in life, the way i look. but i'm really not so sure anymore. i dont know how i got here. but i know this path has deviated from everyone else. and now it's jsut me, and my career.
and all i wanted was to find the person who i can be happily married to.
For some reason, the hawaii rotation felt like a old relationship you have with someone. it felt like a bad breakup. I was probably so hurt from it that i walked away with lots of regrets. in a way, i can't believe how much i've learned, and grown from the rotation. in that way it felt very much like a relaionship. jumping into it i had no prior experience in hospital, had no prior exposure in clinical pharmacy and what these pharmacists actually do. i had never worked with doctors before (good OR bad). and i had no time to review any material because it started the week after school ended. So today, when my preceptor was talking about the new rotation, and how there would be a learning curve, and how she didn't want to overwhelm us with too much assignment, i was thinking that i've had to handle ALL THIS. when i didn't know any better. And i was suffering so much. everyday jsut feeling bad about my incompetency. I would go home and sleep and wake up and read the guidelines until i fall asleep again. and then the next day starts. I would go in early to work up my patients just so i can have something to say during rounds. I wanted to be everything. i wanted to prove everyone including myself that i can handle it. And then when third week came around i hit rock bottom. I was crying on the way home. and i had to stop by the pharmacy just so i can get melatonin to help me sleep. i couldn't digest anything fully because i was too stressed. and i was sad from everything.
But this rotation, we have all the time in the world. we dont have to deal with physicians (good OR bad). we dont have too much reading to too. most of the time we just sit there and listen. if there's anything i'm not familiar with i am told the information. compared to before i'd be stared in the eye by the pharmacist who put you on the spot so bad that you started to doubt your own IQ. this right now is a walk in a park.
i have no physicians who would ignore me in the morning. or someone who would in appropriately flirt with me. I didn't have to show up at 6am just to work on things that no body cared about. this is like dating someone new. who is a lot more appreciative of you. who doesn't break your heart. who is nice to you and communicates with you. who you want to be married to.
i often wonder (nd my friend said so too) how i got to where i am today. a single independent girl who (seems to) care nothing about relationships and who does everything on her own, who constantly wants to challenge herself and who knows how to take care of most things in life. and i've had to explain in a way that makes sense to me, although not to others really, that ive had to learned to do all this, not because i want to beat the MEN out there. i only learned these skills because if i dont do them, nobody's gonna do it for me. and i've been single for so long that over the years i've had to do EVERYTHING. and the more you know/do, the less men find you interesting. and hence the more you have to do on your own. and the more pessimistic you are about your dating aspects. because somehow you became INTIMIDATING, or had HIGH STANDARDS, so they would say about me.
so i keep getting comments like you must have a lot of guys who hit on you/like you...and i keep having to deny it in a non-sincere way. its not even the fact that i am self-concious about my look. i am FINE with the way i looke. more than fine. i dont think i'm hot, and nobody should be allowed to say that about themselves really. but i dont get that much male attention at all. when i did, they'd stick around and act flirty, until they see my hot friends/sisters (who i'm completely fine with) and then they checked THEM out and tried to get my friends. i have not had one person prove me wrong. not one. i can list them in alphabetical orders too, these men. the most recent one, the cute french guy who i sat next to on the plane, who decided out of the blue that he would also friend-request my friend based on the fact that she looked cute. and we spent 5 hours talking on the plane before we exchanged fb information. I usualy dont do things like taht. bt he was a pleasant guy to talk to, and i didnt' get that creepy vibe from him at all. but after i realized he was trying to get to my hot friend, i blocked him.
guys do that, and they actually have the nerves to even tell me about it (how much they think my firend is cute..).
and so i am where i am today. even more pessimistic about men. even more withdrawn. because the ones i like are hard to come by, and when i do find one, they are usually married/have a gf, the ones who are single, and douchbags who are only interested me until the moment they see my better looking friend, and the ones who seemed to be interested, but never did a darn thing (he' jsut not that into you).
and i realy am fine with the way i am. I dont belong to the 2 categories of girls who men find attractive: innocent/naive looking, hot/revealing/slightly bitchy/flirts back. I am in my own catetogory. for the longest time, i thought i'd end up with someone who i will be very happy with, who would love me for me an my quirky response and my drive in life, the way i look. but i'm really not so sure anymore. i dont know how i got here. but i know this path has deviated from everyone else. and now it's jsut me, and my career.
and all i wanted was to find the person who i can be happily married to.
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