how i got here i have no idea

this morning i was having breakfast with an old friend. from back in college. i was spilling lots about my rotation, and good thing he wasn't the least bit scared by my reaction (i hope). i have tried to refrain myself from talking too much or feeling too much because everyday i'm getting over it a little. but from time to time it is like PTSD, i remember scenes that have happened and they would make me very sad.

For some reason, the hawaii rotation felt like a old relationship you have with someone. it felt like a bad breakup. I was probably so hurt from it that i walked away with lots of regrets. in a way, i can't believe how much i've learned, and grown from the rotation. in that way it felt very much like a relaionship. jumping into it i had no prior experience in hospital, had no prior exposure in clinical pharmacy and what these pharmacists actually do. i had never worked with doctors before (good OR bad). and i had no time to review any material because it started the week after school ended. So today, when my preceptor was talking about the new rotation, and how there would be a learning curve, and how she didn't want to overwhelm us with too much assignment, i was thinking that i've had to handle ALL THIS. when i didn't know any better. And i was suffering so much. everyday jsut feeling bad about my incompetency. I would go home and sleep and wake up and read the guidelines until i fall asleep again. and then the next day starts. I would go in early to work up my patients just so i can have something to say during rounds. I wanted to be everything. i wanted to prove everyone including myself that i can handle it. And then when third week came around i hit rock bottom. I was crying on the way home. and i had to stop by the pharmacy just so i can get melatonin to help me sleep. i couldn't digest anything fully because i was too stressed. and i was sad from everything.

But this rotation, we have all the time in the world. we dont have to deal with physicians (good OR bad). we dont have too much reading to too. most of the time we just sit there and listen. if there's anything i'm not familiar with i am told the information. compared to before i'd be stared in the eye by the pharmacist who put you on the spot so bad that you started to doubt your own IQ. this right now is a walk in a park.

i have no physicians who would ignore me in the morning. or someone who would in appropriately flirt with me. I didn't have to show up at 6am just to work on things that no body cared about. this is like dating someone new. who is a lot more appreciative of you. who doesn't break your heart. who is nice to you and communicates with you. who you want to be married to.

i often wonder (nd my friend said so too) how i got to where i am today. a single independent girl who (seems to) care nothing about relationships and who does everything on her own, who constantly wants to challenge herself and who knows how to take care of most things in life. and i've had to explain in a way that makes sense to me, although not to others really, that ive had to learned to do all this, not because i want to beat the MEN out there. i only learned these skills because if i dont do them, nobody's gonna do it for me. and i've been single for so long that over the years i've had to do EVERYTHING. and the more you know/do, the less men find you interesting. and hence the more you have to do on your own. and the more pessimistic you are about your dating aspects. because somehow you became INTIMIDATING, or had HIGH STANDARDS, so they would say about me.

so i keep getting comments like you must have a lot of guys who hit on you/like you...and i keep having to deny it in a non-sincere way. its not even the fact that i am self-concious about my look. i am FINE with the way i looke. more than fine. i dont think i'm hot, and nobody should be allowed to say that about themselves really. but i dont get that much male attention at all. when i did, they'd stick around and act flirty, until they see my hot friends/sisters (who i'm completely fine with) and then they checked THEM out and tried to get my friends. i have not had one person prove me wrong. not one. i can list them in alphabetical orders too, these men. the most recent one, the cute french guy who i sat next to on the plane, who decided out of the blue that he would also friend-request my friend based on the fact that she looked cute. and we spent 5 hours talking on the plane before we exchanged fb information. I usualy dont do things like taht. bt he was a pleasant guy to talk to, and i didnt' get that creepy vibe from him at all. but after i realized he was trying to get to my hot friend, i blocked him.

guys do that, and they actually have the nerves to even tell me about it (how much they think my firend is cute..).

and so i am where i am today. even more pessimistic about men. even more withdrawn. because the ones i like are hard to come by, and when i do find one, they are usually married/have a gf, the ones who are single, and douchbags who are only interested me until the moment they see my better looking friend, and the ones who seemed to be interested, but never did a darn thing (he' jsut not that into you).

and i realy am fine with the way i am. I dont belong to the 2 categories of girls who men find attractive: innocent/naive looking, hot/revealing/slightly bitchy/flirts back. I am in my own catetogory. for the longest time, i thought i'd end up with someone who i will be very happy with, who would love me for me an my quirky response and my drive in life, the way i look. but i'm really not so sure anymore. i dont know how i got here. but i know this path has deviated from everyone else. and now it's jsut me, and my career.

and all i wanted was to find the person who i can be happily married to.