the rest of your life is now

Lately I've been feeling like I have to make decisions about the rest of my life right this instant. What area i want to practice in, what region, what company, what kind of lifestyle, my marriage status....etc. It's like very day someone is screaming into my ear that if i were to become anything and go anywhere and be married i have to make that decision, right now.

Initially i thought that in a perfect world, I could just do a year of residency (at the hospital whereever i may) or a year of fellowship (at a pharmaceutical company wherever they will take me), and if i really like it, i'll continue. If not, i can always swtich to another route. That is, until I started this current rotation.

The ironic thing is, i've always THOUGHT that industry was my thing. I pretty much went to pharmacy school because of the potential of going into industry. I thought the opportunieis should be abundant, the work force should be quite varied, and there should be plenty of room for growth. Well, all of the above are correct. I like that you dont need to know every drug there is on earth and have to know them well. You focus on your product, and you get to work with people with different backgrounds who also aim to sell the product with you. and since there are people who are NOT pharmacists, there should be more dating potential, blah blah blah.

So the next thing i know, I am at my current rotation. Like I said before, i am assigned very stupid assignments like word processing and writing invitations, compiling email listserv, rearranging the design of a handbook. These assignments are so embarrassing, that even when i did go to one of their farewell parties for someone, people didn't know what to say and of course i felt like giant shit. As if i didn't have enough things to alienate myself from the marketing people (unless if i decided to join their beer-chucking contest). I am half way through my rotation, and yet i felt like i literally haven't learned anything constructive to talk about during my future interviews. Worst of all, the experience is making me want to go into industry LESS. i hate having to sit through stupid meetings just to play with words/phrases that practically dont matter, i hate that we have to kiss the doc's asses so they would speak on our behalf about our products, i hate that i have to sit in a cubicle for 9 hr a day and take lunch by myself bc apparently nobody takes lunch together here, i hate that nobody even wants to go to happy hour together, i hate that all of the guys here are married or old so that i can wilt away in thousand oaks. i hate that in order to get into the really highly saught after pharmacoeconomics/outcomes research field i'd have to go get another 2-yr degree (M.S.).

I am literally thrown into a black hole, when talking to my boss and the other pharmacists. basically, if you want to do industry, you want to go into it right now. don't waste your time completing a residency, because if you only become a staff pharmacist, no company is going to welcome you back with open arms. you are no better off than some student who goes into industry right away. Your work experience in the hospital means nothing. and on the opposite hand, if you wound up doing industry, there is NO WAY that you can retain enough clinical knowledge to go back to the hospital. so basically, you are stuck. You either need to find out about your true calling and head in that direction right away, or you are sort of screwed.

Hell, and all i want right now is to meet that someone and be married. as much career oriented as i am, this all means nothing if i'm busy and important when i'm 45 and go on a business trip in Paris and stay in a hotel by myself. I'll probably be filthy rich, but i will sit in a french boulangerie by myself.

And thousand oaks isn't that bad, no, if you're a housewife. if you're a housewife, i think you can pretty much live anywhere. it's a good place to bring up your kids i'm sure. But as far as entertainment goes, i can't even think of a great japanese/chinese restaurant off the top of my head where i may want to go eat. and if i'm married, i can move out to the remote towns in New Jersey, where there are a TON of biotech/pharmas, or Indianapolis, or cincinnati. but what the hell am i gonna do when i go live in a suburb by myself? Judging from this experience, most of the older, married people dont want nor do they need to make new friends with younger people. they already have friends in the area. and I? I wound up spending $10 on 2 chick flicks at the closest Blockbuster so I can pass time over the weekend. I was the only girl in her twenties by herself walking around in blockbuster deciding what to rent whlie the other couples/families merrily ran around.

and because everyone is married, i cannot even really dream about meeting someone at work. it sort of forces me to choose hospital, because that way, at least i can prey on the unsuspecting and probably cocky interns/residents or move in on the emotionally weak patients/family members. but then again, i wont be able to come back to industry, because i wont have any experience and it's already competitive. and who is to say that i will for sure meet someone when i go hospital? i may literally have to cut out two holes in my white coat to compete with the cuter nurses, and even that i may still lose.

what am i gonna do with the rest of my life?