Today

Today is one of those days when I feel like hospital might be my true calling. Over hte past three weeks, I change my mind literally every day. There are bad days when you feel that, as soon as an industry spot opens, i'm diving right into it. But there are good days, when I feel that even if i'm offered a fellowship position I will probably turn it down just so i can serve the general public for a few years before I pursue a more ambitious future for myself.

So what constitues a good day? A good day is when you feel like you made a difference because you cared. And I've never really felt this before with my previous pharmacy jobs. That's why as much as i hate the busy work with my current rotation, I still enjoy the experience a lot. I am learning a lot from my preceptor who really cares about his patients. And deep down I actually like helping people, i like to trouble shoot, and i enjoy educating them about information I learn from school. I am constantly amazed by how much personal information they disclose to me. I am almost flattered in a sense. And because I think they can feel that i really listened, they tell me more, which helps me further analyze the problem and their medication list/medical conditions.

So today I have a lady who is diagnosed with breast cancer. She was put on a anti-estrogen medication before and she was getting all sorts of horrible side effects from it, which is to be expected with a lot of chemo drugs. and then she started telling me more because I asked her what she's been on and what side effects she suffered from. and her new prescription is actually from the same class as the one she used before. So lawfully I have to warn her about the same side effects. And while she was telling me all this, she had tears well up in her eyes. And that made me feel really terrible because I do get affected by things such as this. not in a bad way like I wish i never have to deal with human emotions. But rather it makes me feel that I need to be there for these people. it reminded me of another incident last week. A gentleman was in the pharmacy, asking if I knew if it'd be okay to take his 2 meds together, both are used to treat his incontinence after prostectomy. He was describing to me his distress, and I could totally understand. Losing all capacity to hold back your urine. How can anyone afford this if they are middle-aged and still have a job. You'd be ridiculed forever. So i had to talk to him about Depend, preparing extra underwears...etc. Things such as these, when you hear their personal accounts, you feel a sense of responsibility to help. to improve their lives.

I suppose that is why I never feel self-concious about what I have physically. I can never understand why normal people complain about this and that which they have that are perfectly functional. When you see/hear all the human suffering everyday, you almost cannot put yourself in that position of having self-pity. When my preceptor talked to me about this elderly patient who developed penumonia then a heart attack and stroke and died from it, I immediately thought of my dad. I think about how much I am not around him and how he does have hypercholesteralemia, high blood pressure, and he is on blood-thinner. I almost feel that deteriorating health is an inevitable route for every old person to take. And because I see them, I see how when people get really old, and hospitalized in the hospital, they can aspirate (choke) on even liquid diet, and then the next thing you know, they pass over the weekend. And you are not responsible for following that patient anymore. you just throw their medication list away. or you dont see them anymore because they are moved to ICU, after which they most likely will pass away.

I guess what I am saying is. When you see these patients and are working with them, you deal with all ranges of human emotions. Before I even started pharmacy school i thought i would hate to have to deal with that. But now I almost feel obligated to face it. and by walking away to a nice comfy cubicle or office with a view, i am guaranteed to never have to see one of these people ever again. But somehow I've changed. This is why it's been hard for me to make decisions.

So today is the day i feel like I can be a clinical pharmacist.