http://claireslittleadventures.blogspot.com/
Welcome to my new blog. Read at your own risk. :)
2010年7月4日 星期日
2010年6月21日 星期一
Why I haven't been updating as much
Well, two reasons:
1) Since my gmail account got hacked, I decided to discontinue using my old account and started a new one. However, the annoying thing thing is (as with all online social communities), all of my accounts are LINKED to gmail. That includes my gchat contacts, picasa photo album as well as my blog. Therefore, these links cannot be RE-LINKED to my new gmail account. So now i have to actually log into my old gmail in order to update my blog which is a hassel to do. And god knows how many hackers have browsed through my blog/pictures freely now. So i am seriously contemplating about starting a new blog. But that again will take some time and effort. And I really like this one because it's almost like a diary to me. I'm already lazy enough to update my blog, not to mention starting a BRAND NEW one. maybe when I move to NJ and have nothing better to do.
2) After graduation i have been packing like crazy to first ship my car, then i went on a couple trips (the most recent one with my family to Europe). And now i have to worry about shipping MYSELF there. So that adds a lot of stress to my last few days here in CA.
ok, now that i've explained myself (sort of), i'm gonna write a new post). ;)
1) Since my gmail account got hacked, I decided to discontinue using my old account and started a new one. However, the annoying thing thing is (as with all online social communities), all of my accounts are LINKED to gmail. That includes my gchat contacts, picasa photo album as well as my blog. Therefore, these links cannot be RE-LINKED to my new gmail account. So now i have to actually log into my old gmail in order to update my blog which is a hassel to do. And god knows how many hackers have browsed through my blog/pictures freely now. So i am seriously contemplating about starting a new blog. But that again will take some time and effort. And I really like this one because it's almost like a diary to me. I'm already lazy enough to update my blog, not to mention starting a BRAND NEW one. maybe when I move to NJ and have nothing better to do.
2) After graduation i have been packing like crazy to first ship my car, then i went on a couple trips (the most recent one with my family to Europe). And now i have to worry about shipping MYSELF there. So that adds a lot of stress to my last few days here in CA.
ok, now that i've explained myself (sort of), i'm gonna write a new post). ;)
2010年6月5日 星期六
Car SHIPPED
:(.....was my face when I saw my car being driven away.
I started packing about 2 days ago and have been doing it in a systematic way. I didn't realize how much stuff I need to bring with me until I actually started making a list. So I managed to fit in all my bedding stuff, a folding bookshelf, 2 large drawers, my printer, and a bunch of shoes and winter clothes, as well as stuff I can't very well bring with me when I fly over(like my favorite dvd collections/fun reads).
I have been getting more and more anxious about the move. I definitely felt sad that my car was going to leave first. My car is my second home, i've had it since college and it's been everywhere with me. I've moved so many times with it and it's taken so much beating from all of my driving around. And now my dear car is goin to embark on this journey before me. I'm sure I will feel so much better when I meet my car again in three weeks. Everything I have from CA is in the car and that sense of familiarity will really help calm me down.
Anyway, I am glad that at least my family is still here with me so i dont feel half as bad. Yesterday I already bidded some of my friends goodbye. Man it'll be hard when 6/27 comes around. :(
I started packing about 2 days ago and have been doing it in a systematic way. I didn't realize how much stuff I need to bring with me until I actually started making a list. So I managed to fit in all my bedding stuff, a folding bookshelf, 2 large drawers, my printer, and a bunch of shoes and winter clothes, as well as stuff I can't very well bring with me when I fly over(like my favorite dvd collections/fun reads).
I have been getting more and more anxious about the move. I definitely felt sad that my car was going to leave first. My car is my second home, i've had it since college and it's been everywhere with me. I've moved so many times with it and it's taken so much beating from all of my driving around. And now my dear car is goin to embark on this journey before me. I'm sure I will feel so much better when I meet my car again in three weeks. Everything I have from CA is in the car and that sense of familiarity will really help calm me down.
Anyway, I am glad that at least my family is still here with me so i dont feel half as bad. Yesterday I already bidded some of my friends goodbye. Man it'll be hard when 6/27 comes around. :(
2010年6月1日 星期二
唉
"Your K+ is normal. :-)"
"Yes please drink more fluids. And please let me see you in one month."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
the last two messages I ever received from my cute doc. haha. yes pathetic I know. Well, basically i never could go back in one month because my student insurance Student Health coverage expired. I can either go to a clinic of my choice and pay the co-pay only, or go back to Student Health and pay $100+ to be seen for my skin irritation. So I made the choice and chose the former. AND because I am not crazy....i suppose i am rational enough to stay the hell away from people who i have a crush on. :( My sister was TRYING to convince me that he WANTS to see me therefore he said it that way in the message, and of course, being extremely rational and NORMAL, i feel otherwise.
So i ended up visiting this other practitioner in my area who i randomly found on the internet. He turned out to be this inpersonable old doctor who spent like 30 sec with you, didn't even shake my hand or even really tactilly inspect my 'dermatitis', didn't even use his precious hand to write prescriptions instead had a nurse do it for him while he dictated, and prescribed a bunch of overly priced, manufacture-coupon incented creams/lotions which you can probably get rather cheaply if you go with the GENERIC versions of them that would cost you $5/tube and not $40 with coupon. (the drug companies are smart enough to also use the coupons to track the prescribing habit of each practitioner so at the end of the either these docs can receive some kick-back or bonus for it). and so i could not pick up my prescription today as a result because these drugs are simply too new! they have to be ordered and will come in God-knows-when. Probably should have spent the extra money at student health to get my dermatitis checked out...at least visually it's far more pleasant.
.....
So back to my hot doc: i do feel somewhat like a loser. he could be gay, could have a gf, could just be a really nice person and a good doctor in general. Although we did have a nice little chat last time I went in I feel that it probably happens with everyone. AND. i'm moving. AND, i know nothing about him (i know something, but not everything) so he could have some weird habit on the side (like hanging out at the strip bar)....
唉.
"Yes please drink more fluids. And please let me see you in one month."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
the last two messages I ever received from my cute doc. haha. yes pathetic I know. Well, basically i never could go back in one month because my student insurance Student Health coverage expired. I can either go to a clinic of my choice and pay the co-pay only, or go back to Student Health and pay $100+ to be seen for my skin irritation. So I made the choice and chose the former. AND because I am not crazy....i suppose i am rational enough to stay the hell away from people who i have a crush on. :( My sister was TRYING to convince me that he WANTS to see me therefore he said it that way in the message, and of course, being extremely rational and NORMAL, i feel otherwise.
So i ended up visiting this other practitioner in my area who i randomly found on the internet. He turned out to be this inpersonable old doctor who spent like 30 sec with you, didn't even shake my hand or even really tactilly inspect my 'dermatitis', didn't even use his precious hand to write prescriptions instead had a nurse do it for him while he dictated, and prescribed a bunch of overly priced, manufacture-coupon incented creams/lotions which you can probably get rather cheaply if you go with the GENERIC versions of them that would cost you $5/tube and not $40 with coupon. (the drug companies are smart enough to also use the coupons to track the prescribing habit of each practitioner so at the end of the either these docs can receive some kick-back or bonus for it). and so i could not pick up my prescription today as a result because these drugs are simply too new! they have to be ordered and will come in God-knows-when. Probably should have spent the extra money at student health to get my dermatitis checked out...at least visually it's far more pleasant.
.....
So back to my hot doc: i do feel somewhat like a loser. he could be gay, could have a gf, could just be a really nice person and a good doctor in general. Although we did have a nice little chat last time I went in I feel that it probably happens with everyone. AND. i'm moving. AND, i know nothing about him (i know something, but not everything) so he could have some weird habit on the side (like hanging out at the strip bar)....
唉.
2010年5月19日 星期三
Post the Hacker attack...駭客入侵記
before I blog about the graduation, let me first talk about this serious incident which happened to my email account 2 days ago...
So around 6am on the 17th, i was woken up by a few text messages which totally annoyed me. When i checked it, a friend who I normally don't talk to asked me if i was in "Spain" because he had received an email about it. And he suggested that I take a look at my email. I then tried logging into it with my phone to no avail. THAT's when i realized that things were getting serious. I jumped out of bed and found out I was locked out of my own email account. And since I was using my sister's computer she left her email account open and I was able to see an email from 'myself' about having a relative in Spain who has a medical emergency for which I would need a large amount of money. I freaked out and realized that THIS email is actually being sent out to everyone on my gmail, the account which I've had for the past 9 years! If my not-so-good friend had received it, I was pretty darn sure the whole school had received it, let alone all of my previous housing/job contacts from my ucsd and usc years. I contacted gmail immediately through my backup email.
and my suspicion was confirmed.
for the next one hour i kept getting text messages about the email. When I finally showed up at school for the review session for the board i was stopped in the hall way many times, and people were asking me if i realized my email was being 'hacked'. some people actually got quite worried because they thought the email was quite convincing. Then during class one of the usc administrator actually walked in looking for me (in front of about 180 people). I had to leave the classroom to explain my situation. Apparently the email also contained my usc signature which made it a bigger deal than normal. He than promised that the tech support will look into it also.
Throughout the entire morning my phone kept ringing, from Baxter, from Berlitz (where i took my french), from school, and when i checked my email even some professors from usc and ucsd got back to me about the hacker attack, some offering tips on email password security. Luckily my gmail account was unlocked at that point so i was able to retrieve all of my contact information and wrote up another reminder to 'warn' people about it. that was 5 hrs post the hacker attack.
I guess at the end of the day, the really weird but sweet awakening is that, I can't believe how many people cared about me. And I dont mean this in a sarcastic or self-deprecating way. I mean really, usually I would think people are so immune to spams now they just hit 'delete' and move on. but i was getting texts/emails/phone calls from everybody, some people who i haven't talked to in years, about the spam. it was such a weird feeling because although the incident is sad and inconvenient (I lost all of my 1000+ archived emails), but the fact that people called and wrote to make sure i was okay, really made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Could it be possible that people actually care about me more than I think they do? And I am saying this becuase oddly enough some of my 'closer' friends did not respond right away, but rather those who i've lost touch with for years, wether a old job contact/housing contact/old acquaintance, did so enthusiastically. It also made me wonder if unknowingly, i had the opportunity to touch this many people's lives, or at least left a slight mark, that made them feel the need to take time out of their busy day to reach out and warn me. some people were actually offering to help financially, and I had NO IDEA the impact would be so!
So I guess what I am trying to say is, although I was deeply bothered by the trouble i had to go through, including terminating everything, reformat my computer, canceling all email-forwarding, at the end of the day, i feel really good about reconnecting with some of the old friends who i used to have. I have chatted with people i've worked with during my Baxter days, ucsd professors, usc professors, NJ housing contacts who investigated for me, preceptor from Hawaii, and many more. I am not advocating that you send out a fake SPAM of course ;)....but I think it sort of helps me put things into perspective, that i should be extremely THANKFUL for all the love around me.
At the end of the day, I feel like everything is going to be O-K. :)
So around 6am on the 17th, i was woken up by a few text messages which totally annoyed me. When i checked it, a friend who I normally don't talk to asked me if i was in "Spain" because he had received an email about it. And he suggested that I take a look at my email. I then tried logging into it with my phone to no avail. THAT's when i realized that things were getting serious. I jumped out of bed and found out I was locked out of my own email account. And since I was using my sister's computer she left her email account open and I was able to see an email from 'myself' about having a relative in Spain who has a medical emergency for which I would need a large amount of money. I freaked out and realized that THIS email is actually being sent out to everyone on my gmail, the account which I've had for the past 9 years! If my not-so-good friend had received it, I was pretty darn sure the whole school had received it, let alone all of my previous housing/job contacts from my ucsd and usc years. I contacted gmail immediately through my backup email.
and my suspicion was confirmed.
for the next one hour i kept getting text messages about the email. When I finally showed up at school for the review session for the board i was stopped in the hall way many times, and people were asking me if i realized my email was being 'hacked'. some people actually got quite worried because they thought the email was quite convincing. Then during class one of the usc administrator actually walked in looking for me (in front of about 180 people). I had to leave the classroom to explain my situation. Apparently the email also contained my usc signature which made it a bigger deal than normal. He than promised that the tech support will look into it also.
Throughout the entire morning my phone kept ringing, from Baxter, from Berlitz (where i took my french), from school, and when i checked my email even some professors from usc and ucsd got back to me about the hacker attack, some offering tips on email password security. Luckily my gmail account was unlocked at that point so i was able to retrieve all of my contact information and wrote up another reminder to 'warn' people about it. that was 5 hrs post the hacker attack.
I guess at the end of the day, the really weird but sweet awakening is that, I can't believe how many people cared about me. And I dont mean this in a sarcastic or self-deprecating way. I mean really, usually I would think people are so immune to spams now they just hit 'delete' and move on. but i was getting texts/emails/phone calls from everybody, some people who i haven't talked to in years, about the spam. it was such a weird feeling because although the incident is sad and inconvenient (I lost all of my 1000+ archived emails), but the fact that people called and wrote to make sure i was okay, really made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Could it be possible that people actually care about me more than I think they do? And I am saying this becuase oddly enough some of my 'closer' friends did not respond right away, but rather those who i've lost touch with for years, wether a old job contact/housing contact/old acquaintance, did so enthusiastically. It also made me wonder if unknowingly, i had the opportunity to touch this many people's lives, or at least left a slight mark, that made them feel the need to take time out of their busy day to reach out and warn me. some people were actually offering to help financially, and I had NO IDEA the impact would be so!
So I guess what I am trying to say is, although I was deeply bothered by the trouble i had to go through, including terminating everything, reformat my computer, canceling all email-forwarding, at the end of the day, i feel really good about reconnecting with some of the old friends who i used to have. I have chatted with people i've worked with during my Baxter days, ucsd professors, usc professors, NJ housing contacts who investigated for me, preceptor from Hawaii, and many more. I am not advocating that you send out a fake SPAM of course ;)....but I think it sort of helps me put things into perspective, that i should be extremely THANKFUL for all the love around me.
At the end of the day, I feel like everything is going to be O-K. :)
2010年4月25日 星期日
又一顆超級紅色炸彈
去年和今年加起來的喜訊已經夠多了
婚禮啦 懷孕啦 訂婚啦
我本人對喜事是沒有甚麼意見的
但高興歸高興 總是不免想到自己
一個人出席的婚禮總是帶著一絲絲的尷尬
接捧花啦 坐在不認識的人旁邊 聊著自己為什麼單身
尤其是第一支舞完後的那所有couple跳的舞
自己站在舞池邊彷彿在跟全世界宣告自己小小的挫敗
聽著新人們精心挑選的情歌
當初我也曾想過 我也要放這條曲子
結果等ㄚ等的...
在確定出席一場超級豪華婚禮後
又接到另一個住在灣區的大學室友的save the date
結果....
今天另一位室友告知我她也懷孕了的消息
還說因為她自己的媽媽三十歲才生她
希望早一點在三十歲前當媽媽
以免跑不動了
.....
......
.......
可想而知我心中的反應
不是才26歲嗎
到底大家再急甚麼
為什麼我旁邊的人讓我覺得
自己雖然二十多歲 卻有著三十幾的心境
我其實一點也不羨慕
我當媽媽的本能還沒啟發
也不是很能想像懷孕的感覺
當新娘子雖然不賴
但是對的人 對的時間 才會想定下來
朋友們愛碎碎念自己的老公男朋友或未婚夫的不是
那為什麼又要在一起呢
我大部分的時間
可以做自己想要做的是
可以試自己想要試的餐廳
可以和朋友去自己想要去的地方玩
但這一切的一切
在還沒找到認真的另一半前
在以結婚自豪的人眼中 還是爸媽的眼中
叫做麻醉自己的行為
....
.....
每天我的想法都改變一點點
還有三年三十歲
還可以再衝三年嗎
到時候後悔會不會來不及
但我還想好好享受我的人生阿
我還想冒險
還想學新東西
還想多多利用我的青春
還想要無憂無慮在多一下下
近期聽到的忠告:
多多把握身邊的機會吧!
看來 選擇的權利
戀愛的權利
越來越少了
婚禮啦 懷孕啦 訂婚啦
我本人對喜事是沒有甚麼意見的
但高興歸高興 總是不免想到自己
一個人出席的婚禮總是帶著一絲絲的尷尬
接捧花啦 坐在不認識的人旁邊 聊著自己為什麼單身
尤其是第一支舞完後的那所有couple跳的舞
自己站在舞池邊彷彿在跟全世界宣告自己小小的挫敗
聽著新人們精心挑選的情歌
當初我也曾想過 我也要放這條曲子
結果等ㄚ等的...
在確定出席一場超級豪華婚禮後
又接到另一個住在灣區的大學室友的save the date
結果....
今天另一位室友告知我她也懷孕了的消息
還說因為她自己的媽媽三十歲才生她
希望早一點在三十歲前當媽媽
以免跑不動了
.....
......
.......
可想而知我心中的反應
不是才26歲嗎
到底大家再急甚麼
為什麼我旁邊的人讓我覺得
自己雖然二十多歲 卻有著三十幾的心境
我其實一點也不羨慕
我當媽媽的本能還沒啟發
也不是很能想像懷孕的感覺
當新娘子雖然不賴
但是對的人 對的時間 才會想定下來
朋友們愛碎碎念自己的老公男朋友或未婚夫的不是
那為什麼又要在一起呢
我大部分的時間
可以做自己想要做的是
可以試自己想要試的餐廳
可以和朋友去自己想要去的地方玩
但這一切的一切
在還沒找到認真的另一半前
在以結婚自豪的人眼中 還是爸媽的眼中
叫做麻醉自己的行為
....
.....
每天我的想法都改變一點點
還有三年三十歲
還可以再衝三年嗎
到時候後悔會不會來不及
但我還想好好享受我的人生阿
我還想冒險
還想學新東西
還想多多利用我的青春
還想要無憂無慮在多一下下
近期聽到的忠告:
多多把握身邊的機會吧!
看來 選擇的權利
戀愛的權利
越來越少了
After thoughts about the fellowship
Things have been well. I guess since i found out about the fellowship offer things have been going in a generally positive direction. Other than the craziness I must deal with in terms of making the cross country move, I have felt a big weight being lifted off my shoulder.
Last weekend I had awesome dinner at a school banquet. It was held at a Mediterranean restaurant called Cafe Santorini. We took over one of the banquet halls and each got our sash. What a enjoyable moment! I especially love (out of vanity) when the "where are they going" slide came up, the moment where they announced how I will be a future fellow at Bristol Myers Squibb. I had only told a few close friends, so many people were surprised when they heard the announcement. Like I said before, I never even thought this could happen, and I am VERY GLAD that at the end of all this, I was able to land SOMETHING. and that something happens to be something I wanted very much which was at the top of my list. I may not have written about this before in my blog but I later found out where the other people are going. And I must say that I personally feel that I got the best end of the deal. I didn't want any two-year committment, especially in areas like regulatory affairs or medical information, which can be very dry when it only deals with one little aspect of pharmaceutical industry. So the fact that I am in the arena of Diabetes/Cardiovascular is already exciting enough, AND i get to oversee the newest clinical studies and make strategies. I hope this doesn't come out in a self-fulfilling tone, but I have always been disgusted with some people in our class who choose to market themselves by being exclusive, being cliquey, being brown-nosers...and I wanted to do none of that. I had forced myself to be involved with this organization on campus where like-minded people get together about wanting to pursue a life in industry, and i was so sick of it after two years. I quit after one year of serving on the board. People in it made fun of people and gossiped about each other during Board Dinner. And they only consider you 'useful' when you have something they want. I have always considered myself a social person (on the outside) but I just couldtn' deal with them anymore I didn't even attend the end-of-the year banquet (which was a big NO-NO). I couldn't spend another minute sitting at a table feeling like I wish I could be somewhere else. Hence I am glad that through it all, i am able to land a position that will likely make them fall off the chair upon hearing it. I just want to prove a point, that you dont have compromise who you are in order to get to where you want to be.
All happy thoughts aside, This of course is a very early point of my career to say that I've accomplished it all. Right now I will be working primarily in the cardiovascular/diabetes market. Although a HUGE market, this is not really where my passion lies. I had wanted to do branch into oncology because that seems to be the hot topic right now, but after 2 rotations at a cancer hospital I can't say I am in love with it. A part of me is still very resistant and disliking the complete unpredictability of chemo drugs. Rather, after 4 weeks into my current rotation, I am finding my passion in psychiatry back. Lots of interesting patient cases and lots of miracles can be done with antipsychotics/mood stabilizers/antidepressants. I'm not a total believer that everyone needs to be on something, there's lots that can be done with cognitive behavioral therapy/counseling. but i HAVE seen it work wonders in the most bizarre cases, which is the reason why psychiatry is so interesting. I sincerely hope, that one day, wherever life leads me, I can pursue it further whether that means going back to the research of psychotropics and just give pharmacy a rest. :)
That's is for now. So the much-delayed announcement on my blog is that, I am joining Bristol-Myers Squibb as a 1-year fellow in CV/Metabolic's Scientific Communication and Medical Strategy department. :) Yeah it's a mouthful....
And I will miss home a lot.
Last weekend I had awesome dinner at a school banquet. It was held at a Mediterranean restaurant called Cafe Santorini. We took over one of the banquet halls and each got our sash. What a enjoyable moment! I especially love (out of vanity) when the "where are they going" slide came up, the moment where they announced how I will be a future fellow at Bristol Myers Squibb. I had only told a few close friends, so many people were surprised when they heard the announcement. Like I said before, I never even thought this could happen, and I am VERY GLAD that at the end of all this, I was able to land SOMETHING. and that something happens to be something I wanted very much which was at the top of my list. I may not have written about this before in my blog but I later found out where the other people are going. And I must say that I personally feel that I got the best end of the deal. I didn't want any two-year committment, especially in areas like regulatory affairs or medical information, which can be very dry when it only deals with one little aspect of pharmaceutical industry. So the fact that I am in the arena of Diabetes/Cardiovascular is already exciting enough, AND i get to oversee the newest clinical studies and make strategies. I hope this doesn't come out in a self-fulfilling tone, but I have always been disgusted with some people in our class who choose to market themselves by being exclusive, being cliquey, being brown-nosers...and I wanted to do none of that. I had forced myself to be involved with this organization on campus where like-minded people get together about wanting to pursue a life in industry, and i was so sick of it after two years. I quit after one year of serving on the board. People in it made fun of people and gossiped about each other during Board Dinner. And they only consider you 'useful' when you have something they want. I have always considered myself a social person (on the outside) but I just couldtn' deal with them anymore I didn't even attend the end-of-the year banquet (which was a big NO-NO). I couldn't spend another minute sitting at a table feeling like I wish I could be somewhere else. Hence I am glad that through it all, i am able to land a position that will likely make them fall off the chair upon hearing it. I just want to prove a point, that you dont have compromise who you are in order to get to where you want to be.
All happy thoughts aside, This of course is a very early point of my career to say that I've accomplished it all. Right now I will be working primarily in the cardiovascular/diabetes market. Although a HUGE market, this is not really where my passion lies. I had wanted to do branch into oncology because that seems to be the hot topic right now, but after 2 rotations at a cancer hospital I can't say I am in love with it. A part of me is still very resistant and disliking the complete unpredictability of chemo drugs. Rather, after 4 weeks into my current rotation, I am finding my passion in psychiatry back. Lots of interesting patient cases and lots of miracles can be done with antipsychotics/mood stabilizers/antidepressants. I'm not a total believer that everyone needs to be on something, there's lots that can be done with cognitive behavioral therapy/counseling. but i HAVE seen it work wonders in the most bizarre cases, which is the reason why psychiatry is so interesting. I sincerely hope, that one day, wherever life leads me, I can pursue it further whether that means going back to the research of psychotropics and just give pharmacy a rest. :)
That's is for now. So the much-delayed announcement on my blog is that, I am joining Bristol-Myers Squibb as a 1-year fellow in CV/Metabolic's Scientific Communication and Medical Strategy department. :) Yeah it's a mouthful....
And I will miss home a lot.
2010年4月14日 星期三
results from a facebook quiz
你的情人像睡美人(睡美男)一般沉沉睡去，只有你深情的一吻，才能喚醒他，那麼你會親吻他哪裡呢？
你們之間的感情，維繫在「愛情本身」
不是經濟，不是依賴，不是習慣，不是未來，就是單純的愛情：你愛她，她也愛你
;)
你們之間的感情，維繫在「愛情本身」
不是經濟，不是依賴，不是習慣，不是未來，就是單純的愛情：你愛她，她也愛你
;)
2010年4月8日 星期四
a HUGE change
since it is already 1020pm here, and i really need some sleep because i had a long and yet unproductive day at the rotation, i will keep this one short. HOWEVER, i will be announcing the big news, very soon. ;) ( No i'm not getting married to some old folk like the psychic predicted 6 months ago, it's better than that). and telling the story will definitely make a lot of jaws drop. the only hint is: It's about work.
the change happened all so soon even 'I" cannot believe it. i mean. i must have done some pretty good things lately. It is so bizarre that things can drastically change within 48 hours. I was definitely depressed about my situation, and i can't say that I have been optimistic about what happens next year. but now....
The other thing I have to mention before I make the big announcement tomorrow is that, because I had been so hopeless about the immediate future, i actually started considering my plan B, which is to just move back to taiwan (and i meant it). For some reason the one month i spent in taiwan actually made me realize how much i miss it, and how much my oldest friends mean to me. There will be lots of friends who come and go in your life, but i feel that my childhood friends love me no matter what. and it's been 12 years since i left. I went through old pictures of myself being the SUPER ugly duckling back then, and the funny thing is, the friends who appeared with me in the pictures are the same friends who i still see today. they knew i was depressed about the job situation, they want/hope that one day i will be back for good, and yet they supported the decision i make and wish me the best of luck. they take me out to places and drive me around and show me the best eateries in town, without asking for anything in return. I dont know where I would be if it weren't these close friends and my family and my friends here in the US. I would be a miserable emotional f**k for sure.
Another reason is that, although it would be hard to say goodbye to my friends in the US, i have also come to a point where i have to make decisions. I am VERY close to a few people here, but there are also lots of people who come and go, especially teh friends you make when you grow up. due to relocation/graduation/job layoff, you can only remain close for so long (thanks facebook). So on some level i feel that if i were to ever move back to the US after returning to taiwan, i can always have a new start regardless of my temporary leave for taiwan.
But i suppose the above analysis although still holds true, will no longer apply in the immediate year that is to come. I still intend to return to taiwan at some point, to be close to my parents, to be living the convenient lifestyle, to meet someone and hopefully get married one day. But that will have to wait. At least for another year. ;)
to be continued....
And this is why, i feel extremely fortunate, for reasons i will explain tomorrow.
the change happened all so soon even 'I" cannot believe it. i mean. i must have done some pretty good things lately. It is so bizarre that things can drastically change within 48 hours. I was definitely depressed about my situation, and i can't say that I have been optimistic about what happens next year. but now....
The other thing I have to mention before I make the big announcement tomorrow is that, because I had been so hopeless about the immediate future, i actually started considering my plan B, which is to just move back to taiwan (and i meant it). For some reason the one month i spent in taiwan actually made me realize how much i miss it, and how much my oldest friends mean to me. There will be lots of friends who come and go in your life, but i feel that my childhood friends love me no matter what. and it's been 12 years since i left. I went through old pictures of myself being the SUPER ugly duckling back then, and the funny thing is, the friends who appeared with me in the pictures are the same friends who i still see today. they knew i was depressed about the job situation, they want/hope that one day i will be back for good, and yet they supported the decision i make and wish me the best of luck. they take me out to places and drive me around and show me the best eateries in town, without asking for anything in return. I dont know where I would be if it weren't these close friends and my family and my friends here in the US. I would be a miserable emotional f**k for sure.
Another reason is that, although it would be hard to say goodbye to my friends in the US, i have also come to a point where i have to make decisions. I am VERY close to a few people here, but there are also lots of people who come and go, especially teh friends you make when you grow up. due to relocation/graduation/job layoff, you can only remain close for so long (thanks facebook). So on some level i feel that if i were to ever move back to the US after returning to taiwan, i can always have a new start regardless of my temporary leave for taiwan.
But i suppose the above analysis although still holds true, will no longer apply in the immediate year that is to come. I still intend to return to taiwan at some point, to be close to my parents, to be living the convenient lifestyle, to meet someone and hopefully get married one day. But that will have to wait. At least for another year. ;)
to be continued....
And this is why, i feel extremely fortunate, for reasons i will explain tomorrow.
2010年4月4日 星期日
終於又有機會寫部落格了
中文版的我得慢慢打 大家就看好玩吧;)...
過去的這個禮拜時再是過得不太好
發現我最後一絲絲希望的那個實習機會沒有中
加上又開始在精神科的住院部實習
壓力大的要命
漸漸的 又開始沒辦法打給父母報平安
因為心理不平安
我每次都這樣
不過雖然如此
我對於感情這方面
卻漸漸的能釋懷了
禮拜五在對病人的教育講堂中
我的教授說了 這一段話:
有時候 並不是藥物讓你覺得低潮
你只是忘了正常是甚麼
沒有人知道正常應該是怎樣
但是你若是太久處在亢奮的狀態
就會忘了怎麼樣是正常的情緒
你不能夠期望每件事情 都像初戀一般大起大落
生命本身就是一件無聊的事情
長大本來就很無聊
你只是需要用自己的方法去學習面對
我聽到的時候 愣了一下
彷彿是對我說的話
我一直沒有辦法接受很多生命的不公平
常常被難過的情緒所左右
我很害怕
害怕老 害怕死 害怕一個人就這樣永遠的單身下去
害怕我所擁有的一切 和我所期望的生活 永遠得不到
世界上沒有甚麼是比絕望更恐怖的事了
我期望愛
但是卻一直望著自己得不到的愛
而不是身邊已經得到的愛
親人的愛
在美國的朋友的愛
在台灣的朋友的愛
我有這麼多關心我的人
何其幸運
為什麼我一直還這麼害怕
怕做出錯的決定
我想是怕失去吧
我不想花我人生中
最珍貴的時間
擔心和難過
我想要放下一切
重新開始
我想要快樂
這是我需要重新學習的課題
過去的這個禮拜時再是過得不太好
發現我最後一絲絲希望的那個實習機會沒有中
加上又開始在精神科的住院部實習
壓力大的要命
漸漸的 又開始沒辦法打給父母報平安
因為心理不平安
我每次都這樣
不過雖然如此
我對於感情這方面
卻漸漸的能釋懷了
禮拜五在對病人的教育講堂中
我的教授說了 這一段話:
有時候 並不是藥物讓你覺得低潮
你只是忘了正常是甚麼
沒有人知道正常應該是怎樣
但是你若是太久處在亢奮的狀態
就會忘了怎麼樣是正常的情緒
你不能夠期望每件事情 都像初戀一般大起大落
生命本身就是一件無聊的事情
長大本來就很無聊
你只是需要用自己的方法去學習面對
我聽到的時候 愣了一下
彷彿是對我說的話
我一直沒有辦法接受很多生命的不公平
常常被難過的情緒所左右
我很害怕
害怕老 害怕死 害怕一個人就這樣永遠的單身下去
害怕我所擁有的一切 和我所期望的生活 永遠得不到
世界上沒有甚麼是比絕望更恐怖的事了
我期望愛
但是卻一直望著自己得不到的愛
而不是身邊已經得到的愛
親人的愛
在美國的朋友的愛
在台灣的朋友的愛
我有這麼多關心我的人
何其幸運
為什麼我一直還這麼害怕
怕做出錯的決定
我想是怕失去吧
我不想花我人生中
最珍貴的時間
擔心和難過
我想要放下一切
重新開始
我想要快樂
這是我需要重新學習的課題
2010年3月27日 星期六
a little update about the JOB situation (英)
Today I was cleaning out my room filled with piles of trash and I came across a bunch of stuff i used while i was busy looking for a fellowship: company brochures, scientific articles pertaining to a certain product they manufacture, associated recommendations relating to their product, LOTS of business cards, my resume binder...etc. For some reason i find this whole thing very oddly ironic. I dont mean it in the way that I am an extremely depressed **** because I have failed to locate a fellowship position. I think rather, it's the time i spent looking for a fellowship and still the results are like this.
I pretty much spent ALL of my Dec, January and february flying all over the country. It came so close to a breakdown point, but I felt that although tiring, i'd be rewarded with something at the end of all this. then it was the anticipation phase, where you come home after a trip to the east coast and expect to hear back and you dont --then the rejection over the phone/email. Then you pick yourself back up the following day and go to rotation.
I would say the whole cycle repeated around 6 times (i'm ONLY counting the ones i made it to an onsite interview. there were probably 9 more programs who i interviewed with in vegas). and in the end you felt numb. You aren't sure what went wrong there. Could i have a horrible CV compared to everyone else? Am I a bad interviewer that's why after so many face time i still come up behind? Is it because of my lack of industry experience? Is it because of my grades? Is it because I seemed tired during the interview due to the jet lag and wasn't as focused as i should have been? Is it because of the presentation I gave during the interview? Is it because I should have seemed super hyper and excited about the opportunity and I failed to show that? Is it because in my head I still have doubts about moving far, far away from home so my performance shows that? Is it because I am simply unfit to do pharmacy/fellowship and that other candidates are just more qualified?
I will never know.
All i know is that, when i got rejected by BMS AGAIN 3 weeks ago I felt nothing. Then yesterday I had to attend the mandatory graduation meeting and I had to embarrassingly repeat 3 times to different people how my future plan still remains unknown. Even my last hope (baxter) seem oddly out of reach now because while walking past a line of people getting their photos taken i overheard a conversation between two classmates about the girl getting the baxter position. And i thought they were still conducting 1st interviews! So someone already got it? and i'm left in the dark? I couldn't believe my boss could have done this to me. Because we had such a good relationship i almost didn't really have an actual interview there. They just chatted with me because they told me they already knew how i operate and how i work. and they loved my performance while i was there. I got pretty concerned after 2 weeks in taiwan and no response. I proceeded to send another email to her just to confirm that i did not miss a phone call. And then nothing. i sent another email to my other coworker to check, and still nothing. It's like my emails dropped out of the face of the earth.
So my fellowship search is officially coming to an end. and THAT is why I was super depressed while putting away the suitcase I used to travel domestically and the associated stuff. well, THAT and what i talked about in the previous post. and my super pessimism even in the presence of my taiwanese friends who came within 2 meters of me.
I can't help but feel like a little failure. mostly because i had really wanted a fellowship position because it's a sure fire entry to industry. And the fact the i also applied for residency positions and decided to withdraw from the match because i didn't like the program i interviewed with. then the other ones were filled quickly/decided not to respond to me due to the high volume of applicants (they said so in the email). so i officially have no 'back-up's now.
And I suppose that is why i felt little joy concerning the fact that I am graduating in 7 weeks. I could start emailing all of the companies like mad, just going down a list i pulled from the internet, or ----- go to my ultimate plan B. Which is happening a lot sooner than i thought.
Plan B: do Rx staffing work here and there until end of the year. Then go back to Taiwan to job hunt. Will probably stick with big pharmas. and study for GMAT at the same time. try to make new friends while i am there. if i work a couple years, and i still feel the urge to go business and do an mba and let it be so. if not, i'll just continue working. Plus, I would be able to meet more people I would potentially be willing to 'end up' with. instead of just growing older here in my scholarly world, meeting guys who i dont see a real potential with due to race/personality. year after year i feel that my frigid self in LA will end up a spinster. but that's for another post.
Ok. i should stop here.
I pretty much spent ALL of my Dec, January and february flying all over the country. It came so close to a breakdown point, but I felt that although tiring, i'd be rewarded with something at the end of all this. then it was the anticipation phase, where you come home after a trip to the east coast and expect to hear back and you dont --then the rejection over the phone/email. Then you pick yourself back up the following day and go to rotation.
I would say the whole cycle repeated around 6 times (i'm ONLY counting the ones i made it to an onsite interview. there were probably 9 more programs who i interviewed with in vegas). and in the end you felt numb. You aren't sure what went wrong there. Could i have a horrible CV compared to everyone else? Am I a bad interviewer that's why after so many face time i still come up behind? Is it because of my lack of industry experience? Is it because of my grades? Is it because I seemed tired during the interview due to the jet lag and wasn't as focused as i should have been? Is it because of the presentation I gave during the interview? Is it because I should have seemed super hyper and excited about the opportunity and I failed to show that? Is it because in my head I still have doubts about moving far, far away from home so my performance shows that? Is it because I am simply unfit to do pharmacy/fellowship and that other candidates are just more qualified?
I will never know.
All i know is that, when i got rejected by BMS AGAIN 3 weeks ago I felt nothing. Then yesterday I had to attend the mandatory graduation meeting and I had to embarrassingly repeat 3 times to different people how my future plan still remains unknown. Even my last hope (baxter) seem oddly out of reach now because while walking past a line of people getting their photos taken i overheard a conversation between two classmates about the girl getting the baxter position. And i thought they were still conducting 1st interviews! So someone already got it? and i'm left in the dark? I couldn't believe my boss could have done this to me. Because we had such a good relationship i almost didn't really have an actual interview there. They just chatted with me because they told me they already knew how i operate and how i work. and they loved my performance while i was there. I got pretty concerned after 2 weeks in taiwan and no response. I proceeded to send another email to her just to confirm that i did not miss a phone call. And then nothing. i sent another email to my other coworker to check, and still nothing. It's like my emails dropped out of the face of the earth.
So my fellowship search is officially coming to an end. and THAT is why I was super depressed while putting away the suitcase I used to travel domestically and the associated stuff. well, THAT and what i talked about in the previous post. and my super pessimism even in the presence of my taiwanese friends who came within 2 meters of me.
I can't help but feel like a little failure. mostly because i had really wanted a fellowship position because it's a sure fire entry to industry. And the fact the i also applied for residency positions and decided to withdraw from the match because i didn't like the program i interviewed with. then the other ones were filled quickly/decided not to respond to me due to the high volume of applicants (they said so in the email). so i officially have no 'back-up's now.
And I suppose that is why i felt little joy concerning the fact that I am graduating in 7 weeks. I could start emailing all of the companies like mad, just going down a list i pulled from the internet, or ----- go to my ultimate plan B. Which is happening a lot sooner than i thought.
Plan B: do Rx staffing work here and there until end of the year. Then go back to Taiwan to job hunt. Will probably stick with big pharmas. and study for GMAT at the same time. try to make new friends while i am there. if i work a couple years, and i still feel the urge to go business and do an mba and let it be so. if not, i'll just continue working. Plus, I would be able to meet more people I would potentially be willing to 'end up' with. instead of just growing older here in my scholarly world, meeting guys who i dont see a real potential with due to race/personality. year after year i feel that my frigid self in LA will end up a spinster. but that's for another post.
Ok. i should stop here.
2010年3月25日 星期四
Closure
蔡健雅-達爾文
作曲：蔡健雅
填詞：小寒
我的青春 也不是沒傷痕
是明白愛是信仰的延伸
什麼特徵 人緣還是眼神
也不會預知愛不愛的可能
保持單身 忍不住又沉淪
兜著圈子來去有時苦等
人的一生 感情是旋轉門
轉到了最後真心的就不分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
我的青春 有時還蠻單純
相信幸福取決於愛得深
讀進化論 我贊成達爾文
沒實力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身 已換過多少輪
記憶在舊情人心中變冷
我的一生 有幾道旋轉門
轉到了最後只剩你我沒分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
***************************************************************
紀念
作詞：姚謙 作曲：Tanya Chua 演唱：蔡健雅
想念變成一條線 在時間裡面漫延 長得可以把世界切成了兩個面
他在春天那一邊 妳的秋天剛落葉 剛落葉
如果從此不見面 讓你憑記憶想念 本來這段愛情可以記得很完美
他的樣子已改變 有新伴侶的氣味 的氣味
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
也許那一次見面 是生命給妳機會 了解愛只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望會改變 他的愛已經不見 已不見
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 心中的愛和思念
都只是屬於 自己 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 的紀念
****************************************************************
我離開的時候很小 那個年代email還不盛行
我離開了很多好的朋友 家人 和我的青梅竹馬
當時接到很多朋友的來信 包括他的
再見還來不及說 就結束了
之後 因為時間和空間的關係 我雖難過 但決定一個人
之後 是很長的不諒解
幾乎再也沒有見過面 網上的交談也少得可憐
變成兩個陌生人
之後我們各自有自己的生活
十年之後 這次終於有機會攤開來聊了
我談了有關於我之前的交往 和工作
從我們的互動 我可以感覺到 以往的感覺已經不再
應該是說 what was once there isn't there anymore
我回到家 覺得難過 因為之前我們倆的好強和不信任感 把我們帶到這一天
我對他的記憶 一直停留在他女人緣很好 所以我們不停的折磨彼此
一直和個自的異性朋友打鬧
直到兩方都對彼此充滿猜忌和不信任
看過電影 Love me if you Dare 敢愛就來 嗎？
有一點像那樣
那麼喜歡彼此 卻從不說出口
在網上遇見他 告訴他我當初拒絕不是當好玩的
那是一個沒有skype, facebook, msn 的時代
我真的是有喜歡過 可是我做了當時我認為是對的決定
他之後的不聞不問 讓我很難過也很惆悵
我們現在 對彼此一無所知
回到這邊的家後 挖出當時的信來看
一封封好友寄來的信和傳真 都是不捨和加油打氣
我離開的事物 好多好多
讀到他當初的字句 想到今天 覺得一切都改變了
也許以後再也不會相見
也許以後我會後悔在十年後才一次把我的想法告訴他
是我們太好強嗎?還是太驕傲?
應該是沒有緣當情人吧
作曲：蔡健雅
填詞：小寒
我的青春 也不是沒傷痕
是明白愛是信仰的延伸
什麼特徵 人緣還是眼神
也不會預知愛不愛的可能
保持單身 忍不住又沉淪
兜著圈子來去有時苦等
人的一生 感情是旋轉門
轉到了最後真心的就不分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
我的青春 有時還蠻單純
相信幸福取決於愛得深
讀進化論 我贊成達爾文
沒實力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身 已換過多少輪
記憶在舊情人心中變冷
我的一生 有幾道旋轉門
轉到了最後只剩你我沒分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
***************************************************************
紀念
作詞：姚謙 作曲：Tanya Chua 演唱：蔡健雅
想念變成一條線 在時間裡面漫延 長得可以把世界切成了兩個面
他在春天那一邊 妳的秋天剛落葉 剛落葉
如果從此不見面 讓你憑記憶想念 本來這段愛情可以記得很完美
他的樣子已改變 有新伴侶的氣味 的氣味
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
也許那一次見面 是生命給妳機會 了解愛只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望會改變 他的愛已經不見 已不見
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 心中的愛和思念
都只是屬於 自己 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 的紀念
****************************************************************
我離開的時候很小 那個年代email還不盛行
我離開了很多好的朋友 家人 和我的青梅竹馬
當時接到很多朋友的來信 包括他的
再見還來不及說 就結束了
之後 因為時間和空間的關係 我雖難過 但決定一個人
之後 是很長的不諒解
幾乎再也沒有見過面 網上的交談也少得可憐
變成兩個陌生人
之後我們各自有自己的生活
十年之後 這次終於有機會攤開來聊了
我談了有關於我之前的交往 和工作
從我們的互動 我可以感覺到 以往的感覺已經不再
應該是說 what was once there isn't there anymore
我回到家 覺得難過 因為之前我們倆的好強和不信任感 把我們帶到這一天
我對他的記憶 一直停留在他女人緣很好 所以我們不停的折磨彼此
一直和個自的異性朋友打鬧
直到兩方都對彼此充滿猜忌和不信任
看過電影 Love me if you Dare 敢愛就來 嗎？
有一點像那樣
那麼喜歡彼此 卻從不說出口
在網上遇見他 告訴他我當初拒絕不是當好玩的
那是一個沒有skype, facebook, msn 的時代
我真的是有喜歡過 可是我做了當時我認為是對的決定
他之後的不聞不問 讓我很難過也很惆悵
我們現在 對彼此一無所知
回到這邊的家後 挖出當時的信來看
一封封好友寄來的信和傳真 都是不捨和加油打氣
我離開的事物 好多好多
讀到他當初的字句 想到今天 覺得一切都改變了
也許以後再也不會相見
也許以後我會後悔在十年後才一次把我的想法告訴他
是我們太好強嗎?還是太驕傲?
應該是沒有緣當情人吧
2010年3月2日 星期二
cloud hanging over my head
Over the past couple of days I met up with my friends from back home as well as my 'date'. Both have gone pretty well. I really missed seeing my friends and now that everybody is working and is doing well it's very rare that we still keep in touch and still have such close relationship with each other. We ended up going to one of the really inexpensive pasta place in town and spent 5 hours there until closing time.
My date with my my mom's friend's son went okay. there was no real spark, but i didn't hate him either. Overall i got the feeling that he's just a little boy. Although we are the same age but he's just started getting his Ph.D. after his Masters. Although I think because he's getting his Ph.D. at a different school so he has to start from year 1 (which means he still has 3 years ahead of him), plus the one year of military service. In general i did get the vibe that his only interest is staying in and playing video games. He is getting his Ph.D. in electric engineering at NTU so he's definiiltey a smart guy. But socially he seems very shy. We just chatted and walked around the shopping areas of taipei. I have met lots of braniacs so we have lots to talk about relating to scholarly stuff. But generally i'm postive we only got the 'friend' vibe from each other so it ended well.
Last update, still haven't heard a word from the last two companies I interviewed with. Nada. One of them I'm pretty sure that the offer should have gone out last friday (i was told so), unless they were seriously snowed in or had no time to discuss their candidates at all, i'm not very optimistic about it. and the other one, where i did my rotation, still haven't heard back from my boss regarding 2nd interview. At this rate i'm trying to let myself down easy. having done a rotation there really doesn't mean much in today's job market. In fact, i'm not sure if anything means anything any more in today's job market. When it comes down to you vs. 8 people in the end. if you're not the last person standing you're not in the picture at all.
It saddens me a little that while I am really happy to be in the company of my close friends and family who hold me together during this time, I am not feeling that I will ultimately get into the field that i want. I dont know if i'm looking at more years of community or hospital pharmacy ahead of me or what. And the fact I am getting older doesn't help either. because i see all my friends in relationships it makes me feel handicapped to not be in one. another voice in my head tells me that if i am returning to taiwan in the end and i dont want to marry an old fart i should just come back now, using unemployment as a terrific excuse.
I also have somewhat realized (again) at how competitive/ambitious I am. I spoke to somenoe in my class who got into Astra Zeneca in Taiwan just recently, working in the clinical trial developement, and i had to say i was feeling a little jealous. back then (and always) he was my intellectual equivalent, and we happened to get into similar fields in college as well. To hear that he transitioned smoothly into one of the big companies and in a division i also like made me feel horrible. to top it off,he's not a bad looking guy either, and he happens to be single. my dad was all suggesting that I get with him (of course as a joke), and I think I was more concerned with the fact that I'm gettin rejected by my dream jobs and that this guy has something i want. Plus, he was dating some really cutsie girl with baby voice and a tiny frame in the past, THIS would never work out between me and him. It also reminded me of seeing these guys in suits once at the airport when i was traveling back from the interview. They were real cute guys and almost everyone was giving them a double take. I was the only other girl in the cabin in a full suit, and yet I was feeling sort of sad/jealous as well probably because these cute guys were already traveling for work, and yet i was TRYING to get a job that will allow me to be in their shoes. I'm really going mad i'm sure. this work thing is getting in the way of my appreciating guys who are good looking and successful. i really hope it's not step one of heading down spinster-ville.
ugh! about to head out to have some boba and shopping and cannot block this out of my head.
OK, no nore depressive thoughts. we shall find out about it all.
My date with my my mom's friend's son went okay. there was no real spark, but i didn't hate him either. Overall i got the feeling that he's just a little boy. Although we are the same age but he's just started getting his Ph.D. after his Masters. Although I think because he's getting his Ph.D. at a different school so he has to start from year 1 (which means he still has 3 years ahead of him), plus the one year of military service. In general i did get the vibe that his only interest is staying in and playing video games. He is getting his Ph.D. in electric engineering at NTU so he's definiiltey a smart guy. But socially he seems very shy. We just chatted and walked around the shopping areas of taipei. I have met lots of braniacs so we have lots to talk about relating to scholarly stuff. But generally i'm postive we only got the 'friend' vibe from each other so it ended well.
Last update, still haven't heard a word from the last two companies I interviewed with. Nada. One of them I'm pretty sure that the offer should have gone out last friday (i was told so), unless they were seriously snowed in or had no time to discuss their candidates at all, i'm not very optimistic about it. and the other one, where i did my rotation, still haven't heard back from my boss regarding 2nd interview. At this rate i'm trying to let myself down easy. having done a rotation there really doesn't mean much in today's job market. In fact, i'm not sure if anything means anything any more in today's job market. When it comes down to you vs. 8 people in the end. if you're not the last person standing you're not in the picture at all.
It saddens me a little that while I am really happy to be in the company of my close friends and family who hold me together during this time, I am not feeling that I will ultimately get into the field that i want. I dont know if i'm looking at more years of community or hospital pharmacy ahead of me or what. And the fact I am getting older doesn't help either. because i see all my friends in relationships it makes me feel handicapped to not be in one. another voice in my head tells me that if i am returning to taiwan in the end and i dont want to marry an old fart i should just come back now, using unemployment as a terrific excuse.
I also have somewhat realized (again) at how competitive/ambitious I am. I spoke to somenoe in my class who got into Astra Zeneca in Taiwan just recently, working in the clinical trial developement, and i had to say i was feeling a little jealous. back then (and always) he was my intellectual equivalent, and we happened to get into similar fields in college as well. To hear that he transitioned smoothly into one of the big companies and in a division i also like made me feel horrible. to top it off,he's not a bad looking guy either, and he happens to be single. my dad was all suggesting that I get with him (of course as a joke), and I think I was more concerned with the fact that I'm gettin rejected by my dream jobs and that this guy has something i want. Plus, he was dating some really cutsie girl with baby voice and a tiny frame in the past, THIS would never work out between me and him. It also reminded me of seeing these guys in suits once at the airport when i was traveling back from the interview. They were real cute guys and almost everyone was giving them a double take. I was the only other girl in the cabin in a full suit, and yet I was feeling sort of sad/jealous as well probably because these cute guys were already traveling for work, and yet i was TRYING to get a job that will allow me to be in their shoes. I'm really going mad i'm sure. this work thing is getting in the way of my appreciating guys who are good looking and successful. i really hope it's not step one of heading down spinster-ville.
ugh! about to head out to have some boba and shopping and cannot block this out of my head.
OK, no nore depressive thoughts. we shall find out about it all.
2010年2月23日 星期二
errr
today's my second day to be home in tpe.and I'm waiting up super early prolly due to the jetlag. It's actually not so bad since I get to see the sunrise in tpe through the window.
Just found out last night that my mom was serious about setting me up with the son of her friend. and the worst part is that she's made it this coming weekend, and both the son and HIS MOM and my mom and I are going to be there. I never am a big fan of set-up dinners/lunches, not to mention having it with each other's parents. Because she had agreed to the deal so i can't back out. But really the idea is making me nauseas a little bit. Since my poor sister has been back ( a week before me), i think she's set her up two two really old men who probably have absolutely nothing in common with my sister. And of course these old farts (and i mean forty somethings) were slobbering all over my sister because what are the chances that they would ever talk to someone pretty in her 20s again. So of course they showed high interest and my sister is kinda not feeling it with these men who are closer in age to our dad than to us. And when i tried to defend my sister's choice my mom gets angry about us being picky (not true). it's just a sad fact that when you're quickly approaching your 30s your parents sometimes go through this crazy phase of trying to marry you off, regardless of how disgusting the other party is as long as you're not an old maid anymore. What they dont' realize is, there's really not that many single available likeable guys out there. and my mom keeps saying that when we come back in a few years no guys will want to be set-up with a 30 something anymore. well, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. i think it bothers her more than it bothers me. If someone's so shallow and ageist that he refuses to date people closer to his own age, it probably means that he isn't comfortable with himself anyway. either that he is a pedophile, or he doesn't have enough confidence to date someone who matches his experience and education. And I'm fine with that fact, as long as he isn't going out with me. Men who are like that will always be able to find petite naive cuties to go out with. I hate to sound like a jaded old woman but i really dont need that to complicate my life.
I am realizing that my 'pie' is getting smaller and smaller and at this rate it might be REAL hard to find someone who i actually like. and as much as i hate the idea i'm willing to just go hang out with someone one-on-one without the presence of his parent. I'm sure the other person wonders the same about me to: a 26 year old something with no prospect of a boyfriend who is so desperate that she needs to be set up by her mom. But i think if both parents are there it wil make the situation worse. Just cuz my mom really planned to have lunch with us, and then leave us to some coffeeshop to continue a 4-hour conversation (what happened to my poor sister last time). well, for one, i DO NOT with to spend more than 2 hrs with someone i meet for the first time, and i DO NOT carry 4-hour conversations with people, period. unless i really like them and have known them for a while. It's really hard to keep the conversation that entertaining. can't we just make it short and sweet and if we do want to hang out then we'll hang out again? the idea is sooooo repulsive to me....
My somewhat dellussional mom tends to think that me and my sister put work above everything else and that we are socially inept to actually tie down any real lads. As opposed to my little sister who gets any guy of her choice and tends to go out with anyone who looks half decent. Well, for one, i put my career first because i'm at that point (graduation) that i really need to start thinking seriously about a job and not a future husband who may or may not happen, and secondly, i kinda worked really hard for my degree, so i'd hate to see all that go to waste, and lastly, it's not like i have someone who i love and who i reject because of work. I really just havne't met anyone who i'd like to go out with, so the solid, tangibl things to work on are my interviews. i'd feel a lot better after i've landed a job. and to say the least i do not lack social skills. i probably have more than all of that combined from my mom and my aunties who have lectured me over the years about being single. Well, back in the day you can have the social skill of a bean and still land a husband. i have to hold real hard jobs and go to company functions longer than any of you have during your single years (since i have been single longer), so do not lecture me about being socially closed off. some people just aren't lucky in love. and maybe i just dont feel like going clubbing all the time like some people i know and just hook up with people until we get sick of each other. However i really feel that that's what will make me look 'marketable' these days even in the eyes of my parent's generation.
I've realized that, from the last couple times i hung out with girls who tend to be popular that, they do flirty little things to string guys along. they brush up against their arms, sort of half lying on his shoulder when something is outrageously funny, and wear tight-ass clothes. I dont have a problem with people doing that. I know that's what guys would love to see but it has nothing to do with me. I like that i dont do any of that stuff. i dont like sending out mixed messages of touch guys who i'm not interested in, i dont wear revealing clothes in the winter because if butt-freezing cold out and i'd like to stay H1N1-free. i like the way i am and the way i look and the lack of marketability i have because that's what makes me unique and not like any of the trampy girls out there who put facebook pictures with their ta-tas out. but apparently even my own mom doesn't agree with me.
ok, you can tell that i'm in a somewhat upset mood....;) sorry!
Just found out last night that my mom was serious about setting me up with the son of her friend. and the worst part is that she's made it this coming weekend, and both the son and HIS MOM and my mom and I are going to be there. I never am a big fan of set-up dinners/lunches, not to mention having it with each other's parents. Because she had agreed to the deal so i can't back out. But really the idea is making me nauseas a little bit. Since my poor sister has been back ( a week before me), i think she's set her up two two really old men who probably have absolutely nothing in common with my sister. And of course these old farts (and i mean forty somethings) were slobbering all over my sister because what are the chances that they would ever talk to someone pretty in her 20s again. So of course they showed high interest and my sister is kinda not feeling it with these men who are closer in age to our dad than to us. And when i tried to defend my sister's choice my mom gets angry about us being picky (not true). it's just a sad fact that when you're quickly approaching your 30s your parents sometimes go through this crazy phase of trying to marry you off, regardless of how disgusting the other party is as long as you're not an old maid anymore. What they dont' realize is, there's really not that many single available likeable guys out there. and my mom keeps saying that when we come back in a few years no guys will want to be set-up with a 30 something anymore. well, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. i think it bothers her more than it bothers me. If someone's so shallow and ageist that he refuses to date people closer to his own age, it probably means that he isn't comfortable with himself anyway. either that he is a pedophile, or he doesn't have enough confidence to date someone who matches his experience and education. And I'm fine with that fact, as long as he isn't going out with me. Men who are like that will always be able to find petite naive cuties to go out with. I hate to sound like a jaded old woman but i really dont need that to complicate my life.
I am realizing that my 'pie' is getting smaller and smaller and at this rate it might be REAL hard to find someone who i actually like. and as much as i hate the idea i'm willing to just go hang out with someone one-on-one without the presence of his parent. I'm sure the other person wonders the same about me to: a 26 year old something with no prospect of a boyfriend who is so desperate that she needs to be set up by her mom. But i think if both parents are there it wil make the situation worse. Just cuz my mom really planned to have lunch with us, and then leave us to some coffeeshop to continue a 4-hour conversation (what happened to my poor sister last time). well, for one, i DO NOT with to spend more than 2 hrs with someone i meet for the first time, and i DO NOT carry 4-hour conversations with people, period. unless i really like them and have known them for a while. It's really hard to keep the conversation that entertaining. can't we just make it short and sweet and if we do want to hang out then we'll hang out again? the idea is sooooo repulsive to me....
My somewhat dellussional mom tends to think that me and my sister put work above everything else and that we are socially inept to actually tie down any real lads. As opposed to my little sister who gets any guy of her choice and tends to go out with anyone who looks half decent. Well, for one, i put my career first because i'm at that point (graduation) that i really need to start thinking seriously about a job and not a future husband who may or may not happen, and secondly, i kinda worked really hard for my degree, so i'd hate to see all that go to waste, and lastly, it's not like i have someone who i love and who i reject because of work. I really just havne't met anyone who i'd like to go out with, so the solid, tangibl things to work on are my interviews. i'd feel a lot better after i've landed a job. and to say the least i do not lack social skills. i probably have more than all of that combined from my mom and my aunties who have lectured me over the years about being single. Well, back in the day you can have the social skill of a bean and still land a husband. i have to hold real hard jobs and go to company functions longer than any of you have during your single years (since i have been single longer), so do not lecture me about being socially closed off. some people just aren't lucky in love. and maybe i just dont feel like going clubbing all the time like some people i know and just hook up with people until we get sick of each other. However i really feel that that's what will make me look 'marketable' these days even in the eyes of my parent's generation.
I've realized that, from the last couple times i hung out with girls who tend to be popular that, they do flirty little things to string guys along. they brush up against their arms, sort of half lying on his shoulder when something is outrageously funny, and wear tight-ass clothes. I dont have a problem with people doing that. I know that's what guys would love to see but it has nothing to do with me. I like that i dont do any of that stuff. i dont like sending out mixed messages of touch guys who i'm not interested in, i dont wear revealing clothes in the winter because if butt-freezing cold out and i'd like to stay H1N1-free. i like the way i am and the way i look and the lack of marketability i have because that's what makes me unique and not like any of the trampy girls out there who put facebook pictures with their ta-tas out. but apparently even my own mom doesn't agree with me.
ok, you can tell that i'm in a somewhat upset mood....;) sorry!
2010年2月20日 星期六
Still anxious. but what the heck. :P
I finally decided that I would go home home to TW tomorrow. And thank god they squeezed out one last ticket for tomorrow so I am able to leave. I decided that I want to catch the end of Chinese new year. Because it's just getting too sad and stressful here with all the crazy anxious thoughts in my head. It's actually pretty unhealthy for me to be thinking it over and over while not having anything solid to work on. At least when i had rotation I could destract myself temporarily by doing what i was supposed to be doing but now that I am off, i sort of spend every waking moment panicking.
A quick update:
My interview at BMS actually went really well (I think). Well, I was really tired because i woke up at 630am (330am LA time) so my brain was in a blur. But i managed to pull myself together. I could just feel that it was taking me longer to answer questions. well, not as long as as 5 seconds but longer. Whereas before I could follow with a perfectly orchestrated answer, this time i actually "thought" before I answered. But overall I think they were pleased with my performance. I was also very impressed with the proactive role of the department. They actually give the fellow a lot of responsibility and allow you to work with departments to get as much experience as possible. And although the job title isn't glamorous, the new director is actually very ambitious about taking it to the next level and making things more 'strategic". which i like very much. Also the products i will be working on would be in the cardiovascular/diabetes sector, so that's definitely a great place to start out. and they provide you with opportunities to go to conferences and to shadow their medical science liaisons and to talk to the healthcare providers. These are definitely opportunities that are hard to come by. Definitely will be hard to say no if it does happen. We will see about that.
The only thing I have to get over is the distance.
however i must say whether it happens or not, i really do enjoy the star treatment of being flown out and lodging/pick up service provided. It will be a long long time until i will get this kinda treatment. i dont find it hard at all, the traveling. in fact i enjoy it a lot. being at diff airports, talking to diff people, staying at different hotels on my own and enjoying the room delivery, having someone hold a sign with my name on it when i get off the plane. i think that was partly why i was somewhat distraught when i was rejected by the other two companies last time for very vain reasons such as these.
Lastly, a very pleasant surprise. After my 24-hr whirwind visit to NJ, i realized my flight back to LA would land at 5pm, a TERRIBLE time for LA traffic. since i parked my car at the airport parking lot, i decided to spend a little more time on the westside until the traffic dies down. So I gave my cousin a call. And she happened to be free so i dropped by her apt. then i played with the baby for a good half and hour before i went to japanese with my cousin. then due to the lateness/rain of the night my cousin actually offered to have me stay over. I gladly obliged...more time with the baby. ;) SO CUTE! Definitely a good way to end my travel-filled panic-filled week....can i PLEASE have a permanent baby in the house who doesn't grow up who I can come home to each day?
A quick update:
My interview at BMS actually went really well (I think). Well, I was really tired because i woke up at 630am (330am LA time) so my brain was in a blur. But i managed to pull myself together. I could just feel that it was taking me longer to answer questions. well, not as long as as 5 seconds but longer. Whereas before I could follow with a perfectly orchestrated answer, this time i actually "thought" before I answered. But overall I think they were pleased with my performance. I was also very impressed with the proactive role of the department. They actually give the fellow a lot of responsibility and allow you to work with departments to get as much experience as possible. And although the job title isn't glamorous, the new director is actually very ambitious about taking it to the next level and making things more 'strategic". which i like very much. Also the products i will be working on would be in the cardiovascular/diabetes sector, so that's definitely a great place to start out. and they provide you with opportunities to go to conferences and to shadow their medical science liaisons and to talk to the healthcare providers. These are definitely opportunities that are hard to come by. Definitely will be hard to say no if it does happen. We will see about that.
The only thing I have to get over is the distance.
however i must say whether it happens or not, i really do enjoy the star treatment of being flown out and lodging/pick up service provided. It will be a long long time until i will get this kinda treatment. i dont find it hard at all, the traveling. in fact i enjoy it a lot. being at diff airports, talking to diff people, staying at different hotels on my own and enjoying the room delivery, having someone hold a sign with my name on it when i get off the plane. i think that was partly why i was somewhat distraught when i was rejected by the other two companies last time for very vain reasons such as these.
Lastly, a very pleasant surprise. After my 24-hr whirwind visit to NJ, i realized my flight back to LA would land at 5pm, a TERRIBLE time for LA traffic. since i parked my car at the airport parking lot, i decided to spend a little more time on the westside until the traffic dies down. So I gave my cousin a call. And she happened to be free so i dropped by her apt. then i played with the baby for a good half and hour before i went to japanese with my cousin. then due to the lateness/rain of the night my cousin actually offered to have me stay over. I gladly obliged...more time with the baby. ;) SO CUTE! Definitely a good way to end my travel-filled panic-filled week....can i PLEASE have a permanent baby in the house who doesn't grow up who I can come home to each day?
2010年2月17日 星期三
interview today
Today is my interview day with the company I did a rotation with. It went smoothly, for the most part. i was really glad to see some familiar faces. And in general I feel pretty good about this interview. Of course, at this point of the game, I learned not to have too high of expectation of anything. Just because i did a rotation there doesn't mean much. Of course it gives me an advantage, but from what my boss told me today, NINE other people from my class also applied, not including students from other schools. So yes, this year is BAD.
For the most part, my old boss and the other guy on my team made it very easy for me. We didn't even really go over interview questions. I gave them an update about my life thusfar, and they were really supportive of me and answered every question i had. I could tell that from my 6 weeks there they really liked my performance, but ultimately the decision isn't in their hands. When i come back for the second interview I will be giving a presentation like with other companies, to the top 2 directors of the division. I am fine with giving presentations. But the fact that I haven't received any offers for the other positions I applied for definitely makes me doubt my own ability. I used to think i do a decent job, but if i really was that good, how could i have not gotten any offers? It must mean that someone out there does a even hotter job (see? self doubt already).
I could feel myself getting my nervous with each interview. Supposedly I should have more practice now and should be better at it. But because this is pretty late into the game, there's more at stake now. It's more like Baxter vs. Bristol Myers Squibb vs. unemployment. and looking at the economy right now with each time i interview it is very likely i will end up with unemployment for a while. so the urgency actually made me a 'worse' interviewee now since I have begun to feel more nervous. Even this morning when I woke up i felt jittery. And this is with people I already know!
My next predicament is that, with my next interview at BMS, I will likely find out about the result next week. whether good or bad, I will find out before the 2nd round of baxter interview even happens. that forces me to make a decision right away. Of course, if they didn't choose me, that makes the equation so much easier. but if they did, it's liek i practically will have to turn everyone down in order to wait in vain for baxter's decision. And remember, i'm going against 9+ people (at least).
My concern with BMS is that, it is with a division i want to work with less. and it's far. and it's not in a metropolitan area. so it's basically the thousand oaks of nyc if i have to come up with an analogy. anyway, still lots of questions to be answered. But I suppose we will find out.
In any case, I should really just wait until I get an offer from BMS before I start to stress. I tend to get ahead of myself a lot. At this point I really want to just be done with my interviews so i can go home to tw.
For the most part, my old boss and the other guy on my team made it very easy for me. We didn't even really go over interview questions. I gave them an update about my life thusfar, and they were really supportive of me and answered every question i had. I could tell that from my 6 weeks there they really liked my performance, but ultimately the decision isn't in their hands. When i come back for the second interview I will be giving a presentation like with other companies, to the top 2 directors of the division. I am fine with giving presentations. But the fact that I haven't received any offers for the other positions I applied for definitely makes me doubt my own ability. I used to think i do a decent job, but if i really was that good, how could i have not gotten any offers? It must mean that someone out there does a even hotter job (see? self doubt already).
I could feel myself getting my nervous with each interview. Supposedly I should have more practice now and should be better at it. But because this is pretty late into the game, there's more at stake now. It's more like Baxter vs. Bristol Myers Squibb vs. unemployment. and looking at the economy right now with each time i interview it is very likely i will end up with unemployment for a while. so the urgency actually made me a 'worse' interviewee now since I have begun to feel more nervous. Even this morning when I woke up i felt jittery. And this is with people I already know!
My next predicament is that, with my next interview at BMS, I will likely find out about the result next week. whether good or bad, I will find out before the 2nd round of baxter interview even happens. that forces me to make a decision right away. Of course, if they didn't choose me, that makes the equation so much easier. but if they did, it's liek i practically will have to turn everyone down in order to wait in vain for baxter's decision. And remember, i'm going against 9+ people (at least).
My concern with BMS is that, it is with a division i want to work with less. and it's far. and it's not in a metropolitan area. so it's basically the thousand oaks of nyc if i have to come up with an analogy. anyway, still lots of questions to be answered. But I suppose we will find out.
In any case, I should really just wait until I get an offer from BMS before I start to stress. I tend to get ahead of myself a lot. At this point I really want to just be done with my interviews so i can go home to tw.
2010年2月16日 星期二
another thing(s) that contributed to my pessimism toward guys
So for our little V-day celebration amongst as singletons, we went for
the Corkbar:
http://www.corkbar.com/
and Seven Grand
http://www.sevengrand.la/
to celebrate(or cry about our sorrows). We celebrated prematurely on the 13th, because 14th people will be busy celebrating chinese nye or whatnot.
the bars were indeed very fun to be at. The Corkbar had a great selection of wines, so we tried a couple of whites and reds, paired with some bar food/sandwiches. The interior decor was nice and cozy. You basically sit on this plank of wood with pillows on them, while the ceilings are highrise with windows from floor to ceiling, almost giving you a so-ho feel as if you're in the chic-est part of nyc. Senven and Grand is this other downtown bar in LA that almost makes you feel like you walked into a cigar bar accidentally. Lots of people and lots of interesting decors (like deer heads hanging on the wall). I am guessing they haven't renovated this place since the 50s.
It was good catching up with friends i haven't seen in a while due to rotations. We each bitc*ed about our rotations, our preceptors, our medicine teams, our patients. then one of my friends started talking about how about 6 guys hit on her during the past 2 months... well, the thing is, i think all my girlfriends are pretty attractive and they get approached by guys constantly. The same applies for my own family members as well. I get hit on like, once in a blue moon (and that guy is usually pretty blind). But these people get it like it's air and water. from all my past experiences at the hospital I absolutely felt like a ghost on the floor, coming in and out of the nursing unit with no one really stops and asks how you are (apparently they were all busy reading patient's chart or xray or something). And then my friend was telling me about her chatting with her attending on facebook, all of them going to grand rounds (noon time lectures) together, getting food together, meeting up after rotation, the mild flirtations going on. and then that's another "bite me" moments (see Monica in one episode of Friends) for me. so i guess being professional isn't enough, i gotta throw in a little cuteness at work and llightly brush up against my attending's arm and add them on facebook. (or better yet, just get a plastic surgery to change the way i look-- too bad i'm happy with the way I am).
So me and my other friend both agreed that what she did was extremely unprofessional (becuase my pretty friend was whining about how she got ding'ed by her preceptor for being too friendly with her team and acting unprofessional). I held my tongue about it but my friend flat out called her actions nonprofessional as well (I'm guessing my pretty friend was really hoping by telling us she would get some kind of validation).
and then, during her bathroom break, the med student at our table asked us if it would be a good idea to ask for my pretty friends number. Hello? were you not there during the past 2 hrs hearing those stories? he would have to kill all of his other competitions and come out on top in order to win her heart. My friend warned him about my pretty friend being very princessy while we were all on a trip together, but apparently that didn't bother him at all. so finally when we hit the second bar he shifted into action.
So, the moral of the story is, like i've reiterated many times before, that nobody needs to change to be a better person. we can all stay exactly the way we are, hoever horrible, bossy, sarcastic we are, because if someone likes you and you are attractive enough nothing else matters. you dont need to humble yourself to make yourself down to earth or hang like 'one of the boys' or read more books to be more literal. Heck, i can probalby burn all my pharmacy books and read Cosmo for the rest of my life. my younger sis goes out parties all the time and she always claims that she looks better than my other pretty sister, she thinks all of her bfs will never do better because she's the prettiest they ever dated, and she can't even write a one-page paper without making major grammatical mistakes (which i have to correct for her). and guys hit on her on a daily basis like there is no other woman in this world.
Story 2: guy friend #2 who complained incessantly to me over the past years finally met a girl online. And after Vday he wants to dump her. Reason: she's a bad dresser, she doesn't want to go out and do anything, she has bad skin. and he's calling the other girls in my class a 8 or a 9 and was completely in awe when he found out that these 9's have recently become single (that includes my pretty friend). Well,i'm guessing that he already knew his gf's fashion sense and bad skin upton meeting her, so why that comes as the newest revelation i have no idea.
this is why i focus on my career. i can never change the way i look or dress Ho-y because there will always be girls who look prettier and look 10 x Ho-yer when I go out. I dress for myself. if that means i will have no luck with guys for the many years to come i can't change that fact. i have no doubt in my mind that i literally just committed myself to another 10 years of singleness.
the Corkbar:
http://www.corkbar.com/
and Seven Grand
http://www.sevengrand.la/
to celebrate(or cry about our sorrows). We celebrated prematurely on the 13th, because 14th people will be busy celebrating chinese nye or whatnot.
the bars were indeed very fun to be at. The Corkbar had a great selection of wines, so we tried a couple of whites and reds, paired with some bar food/sandwiches. The interior decor was nice and cozy. You basically sit on this plank of wood with pillows on them, while the ceilings are highrise with windows from floor to ceiling, almost giving you a so-ho feel as if you're in the chic-est part of nyc. Senven and Grand is this other downtown bar in LA that almost makes you feel like you walked into a cigar bar accidentally. Lots of people and lots of interesting decors (like deer heads hanging on the wall). I am guessing they haven't renovated this place since the 50s.
It was good catching up with friends i haven't seen in a while due to rotations. We each bitc*ed about our rotations, our preceptors, our medicine teams, our patients. then one of my friends started talking about how about 6 guys hit on her during the past 2 months... well, the thing is, i think all my girlfriends are pretty attractive and they get approached by guys constantly. The same applies for my own family members as well. I get hit on like, once in a blue moon (and that guy is usually pretty blind). But these people get it like it's air and water. from all my past experiences at the hospital I absolutely felt like a ghost on the floor, coming in and out of the nursing unit with no one really stops and asks how you are (apparently they were all busy reading patient's chart or xray or something). And then my friend was telling me about her chatting with her attending on facebook, all of them going to grand rounds (noon time lectures) together, getting food together, meeting up after rotation, the mild flirtations going on. and then that's another "bite me" moments (see Monica in one episode of Friends) for me. so i guess being professional isn't enough, i gotta throw in a little cuteness at work and llightly brush up against my attending's arm and add them on facebook. (or better yet, just get a plastic surgery to change the way i look-- too bad i'm happy with the way I am).
So me and my other friend both agreed that what she did was extremely unprofessional (becuase my pretty friend was whining about how she got ding'ed by her preceptor for being too friendly with her team and acting unprofessional). I held my tongue about it but my friend flat out called her actions nonprofessional as well (I'm guessing my pretty friend was really hoping by telling us she would get some kind of validation).
and then, during her bathroom break, the med student at our table asked us if it would be a good idea to ask for my pretty friends number. Hello? were you not there during the past 2 hrs hearing those stories? he would have to kill all of his other competitions and come out on top in order to win her heart. My friend warned him about my pretty friend being very princessy while we were all on a trip together, but apparently that didn't bother him at all. so finally when we hit the second bar he shifted into action.
So, the moral of the story is, like i've reiterated many times before, that nobody needs to change to be a better person. we can all stay exactly the way we are, hoever horrible, bossy, sarcastic we are, because if someone likes you and you are attractive enough nothing else matters. you dont need to humble yourself to make yourself down to earth or hang like 'one of the boys' or read more books to be more literal. Heck, i can probalby burn all my pharmacy books and read Cosmo for the rest of my life. my younger sis goes out parties all the time and she always claims that she looks better than my other pretty sister, she thinks all of her bfs will never do better because she's the prettiest they ever dated, and she can't even write a one-page paper without making major grammatical mistakes (which i have to correct for her). and guys hit on her on a daily basis like there is no other woman in this world.
Story 2: guy friend #2 who complained incessantly to me over the past years finally met a girl online. And after Vday he wants to dump her. Reason: she's a bad dresser, she doesn't want to go out and do anything, she has bad skin. and he's calling the other girls in my class a 8 or a 9 and was completely in awe when he found out that these 9's have recently become single (that includes my pretty friend). Well,i'm guessing that he already knew his gf's fashion sense and bad skin upton meeting her, so why that comes as the newest revelation i have no idea.
this is why i focus on my career. i can never change the way i look or dress Ho-y because there will always be girls who look prettier and look 10 x Ho-yer when I go out. I dress for myself. if that means i will have no luck with guys for the many years to come i can't change that fact. i have no doubt in my mind that i literally just committed myself to another 10 years of singleness.
latest on the whole interview ordeal...
Just when I thought i could finally finalize my travel plans for this 6 weeks off, i learned about some new information that threw everything off. :(
So, before yesterday, my plan was to return to tw after my westcoast interview on wednesday and Eastcoast interview on Friday. I was happy that I could squeeze both in the week right after my rotation ends so i can maximize my time in taiwan as much as possible. Even though these two are my last two choices left, I was still faced with hard decisions like:
Company A(westcoast): smaller, no new drug in pipeline, the director can be hard to work with (I did a rotation there), not too many interesting assignments and no opportunity to travel with this position, but close to home and offers more money as stipend, and I will be working with the department (med affairs) I like.
Company B (eastcoast): bigger name, more drugs coming out, there MAY be opp to travel, a more structured program with potentailly more interesting assignments, bad location (NJ, and not very close to NYC), bad weather, far from home, less money, and the job description isn't something I had a passion for (this is the OTHER positiong they are offering a interview for after turning me down for the position i really want).
decision decisions. Basically, I will have to sit in the US for a while longer. Apparently company A has multiple interviews after this one tomorrow. So essentially I will be spending all of my chinese new year (maybe longer) here in the US by myself. wahhhhh! :*(
So, before yesterday, my plan was to return to tw after my westcoast interview on wednesday and Eastcoast interview on Friday. I was happy that I could squeeze both in the week right after my rotation ends so i can maximize my time in taiwan as much as possible. Even though these two are my last two choices left, I was still faced with hard decisions like:
Company A(westcoast): smaller, no new drug in pipeline, the director can be hard to work with (I did a rotation there), not too many interesting assignments and no opportunity to travel with this position, but close to home and offers more money as stipend, and I will be working with the department (med affairs) I like.
Company B (eastcoast): bigger name, more drugs coming out, there MAY be opp to travel, a more structured program with potentailly more interesting assignments, bad location (NJ, and not very close to NYC), bad weather, far from home, less money, and the job description isn't something I had a passion for (this is the OTHER positiong they are offering a interview for after turning me down for the position i really want).
decision decisions. Basically, I will have to sit in the US for a while longer. Apparently company A has multiple interviews after this one tomorrow. So essentially I will be spending all of my chinese new year (maybe longer) here in the US by myself. wahhhhh! :*(
2010年2月13日 星期六
this is how you can tell my rotation is over ;)
Because i'm starting to update everyday!
Hehe anyway, first thing to report: I finally finalized my interviews and my date to go back to tw! Hooray! I was worried that I would have to postpone my trip until later during my break and therefore miss ALL OF chinese new year and time to spend with my parents. But as it turns out, I was able to schedule both interviews during next week. Although I still have to fly in for one of them, and schedule is back to back so I will have to drive from thousand oaks directly to the airport to get on the plane, then a day after i come back from new jersey get on another plane to go back to tw, I am happy to do so. It beats spending my vacation waiting in the US for something that may or may not happen. Will keep you posted.
Second thing, I finally get to go out and have some fun with my friends. Well, not like a crazy night out but after almost 6 weeks of zero social life other than eating and sleeping right after work, I met up with a old college pal in K-town to have some korean bbq. Whew, that's a lot of cholesterol. But I have to say the pork belly was really good, as well as the marinated short ribs. Although i secretly suspected that I didn't get my money's worth because we ordered all-you-can-eat, and I have a stomach size of a little birdie. :( We then 'walked' to (yes, that's the beauty of west LA) the nearest bar (Le bleu) and had a couple drinks while catching up. It's always good to hang with old friends who live a completely different life. Having hang with pharmacy friends for so long sometimes you lose sight of what really makes you YOU in college. life really isn't all about fellowships/residency. I always enjoy other people's stories, espeically when they are well-travelled. It reminds me of all the happy times i had while abroad away from work. Of course at this point i am very far removed from it, but it's good to always have a goal to work toward. Although I did somewhat complained about the fact that I can never end up where i REALLY want to be. And I mean this not in terms of the position but in terms of the location of the companies I want to be. In general, metropolitan cities are alreayd over populated and it is not possible to fit a new industry (such as biotech/pharma) inside a city like New york. Physically there's just not enough room and economically it would cost too much. So I am finding myself constantly choosing between the suburbs. I can tell you with 100% confidence that if these jobs are in NYC or Boston I would move in a heartbeat. But to think I'm essentially transferring from a big city to a small town where there is nothing kind of scares me. I would be doing the same thing, minus family and friends. My friends who are in fashion or business can pretty much put their finger anywhere on the US map and stay in the city they want. But not so with pharmaceutical industry (unless you are into sales and marketing).
Alas, time to sleep!
Hehe anyway, first thing to report: I finally finalized my interviews and my date to go back to tw! Hooray! I was worried that I would have to postpone my trip until later during my break and therefore miss ALL OF chinese new year and time to spend with my parents. But as it turns out, I was able to schedule both interviews during next week. Although I still have to fly in for one of them, and schedule is back to back so I will have to drive from thousand oaks directly to the airport to get on the plane, then a day after i come back from new jersey get on another plane to go back to tw, I am happy to do so. It beats spending my vacation waiting in the US for something that may or may not happen. Will keep you posted.
Second thing, I finally get to go out and have some fun with my friends. Well, not like a crazy night out but after almost 6 weeks of zero social life other than eating and sleeping right after work, I met up with a old college pal in K-town to have some korean bbq. Whew, that's a lot of cholesterol. But I have to say the pork belly was really good, as well as the marinated short ribs. Although i secretly suspected that I didn't get my money's worth because we ordered all-you-can-eat, and I have a stomach size of a little birdie. :( We then 'walked' to (yes, that's the beauty of west LA) the nearest bar (Le bleu) and had a couple drinks while catching up. It's always good to hang with old friends who live a completely different life. Having hang with pharmacy friends for so long sometimes you lose sight of what really makes you YOU in college. life really isn't all about fellowships/residency. I always enjoy other people's stories, espeically when they are well-travelled. It reminds me of all the happy times i had while abroad away from work. Of course at this point i am very far removed from it, but it's good to always have a goal to work toward. Although I did somewhat complained about the fact that I can never end up where i REALLY want to be. And I mean this not in terms of the position but in terms of the location of the companies I want to be. In general, metropolitan cities are alreayd over populated and it is not possible to fit a new industry (such as biotech/pharma) inside a city like New york. Physically there's just not enough room and economically it would cost too much. So I am finding myself constantly choosing between the suburbs. I can tell you with 100% confidence that if these jobs are in NYC or Boston I would move in a heartbeat. But to think I'm essentially transferring from a big city to a small town where there is nothing kind of scares me. I would be doing the same thing, minus family and friends. My friends who are in fashion or business can pretty much put their finger anywhere on the US map and stay in the city they want. But not so with pharmaceutical industry (unless you are into sales and marketing).
Alas, time to sleep!
2010年2月12日 星期五
A bit under the weather and the case of an over-achiever
Good news: I am FINALLY done with my oncology rotation. I honestly dont know how i was able to survive it all, super-long hours, crazy hard subject I wasn't particularly fond of, a super over-achiever classmate as my partner, patients who are extremely complicated, and flying all over the nation for interviews (and getting rejected). Wow, that's a handful. But I think like I said before, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Looking back I am extremely proud that I had survived it, and I can tell people now that I took 2 rotations at a cancer hospital and did well (well, well enough I guess). It was funny that I also kept running into people I know yesterday, some of them underclassmen, some of them in my class. When they found out that I chose an oncology rotation their eyes nearly popped out. They were talking about how much they hated the oncology module and so on. I guess it was very ambitious and silly of me at the time when I was choosing my rotation to think I can do it all. But all of my decisions are actually pretty thought-out. At the time i wanted to do something that can help with my industry-related interests, and possibly hospital, if i changed my mind. Oncology just sounds like a good field because it's a growing market, not as played-out as cardiovascular or diabetes, and all the drug companies/hospitals want a foot in oncology now. However I can also picture myself two years ago, all that I wanted to do was to graduate as smoothly as possible. I wanted all the easy rotations, and I looked strangely at the fourth years who talked passionately about the hard rotations and thought they must be crazy. And now i'm that crazy fourth year....I guess people do change. :)
BUT, I have to say that although I became more interested in certain fields of my study, i am never an over-achiever like some people. Another part of this rotation that makes it hard is that, my classmate who is my partner for this rotation, had a niche for oncology since a long time ago. She had plenty of experience in-patient. She picked pretty much ALL her rotations in a cancer hospital. She knew the drugs well and she went the extra mile for any assignments we may have. For that I had to push myself even harder in fear of looking like the stupider student. So whenever we had topic discussions in the afternoon she would provide us with lots and lots of handouts that she made or articles she pulled, completed with pictures and graphs and whatnot. Well, I couldn't exactly match THAT, but I did have to sacrifice my lunchtime to make 'outlines' for my topic presentation days (usually these are days when you just talk about a certain disease state informally). Which worked out fine, in my case I guess. My preceptor was cool with just having an outline which they could look at while I did my talk. Another thing she did was asking 'rhetorical questions'. questions she already knew the answers of, but making it a self-answered format. It bugged the HECK out of me, because she obviously did the research so she knew the answer, or she studied and memorized it, or whatever, but she would be asking it like "is this drug so and so because it causes so and so to happen in the 'insert and organ' so we need to watch out for side effects like so and so"? and i was like, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER! and she did this even on readings that we were both assigned and just talked and talked so that i couldn't have a chance to prove myself (of course, i later learned to 'compete' for the right the answer). and of course on our final presentation, on which we had a time limit of 30 minuites, she made it into a ONE FRIGGIN HOUR presentation completed all and every aspect of the disease possible and ALL treatment options, and that's a lot in the world of pharmacy and medicine. so that of course made my 30-minuite presenation look somewhat like sh*t. I did a fine job, but in the presence of her over-achieving presentation i was getting comments like "I would like to see more studies done" "I want to see all treatment options available for this other disease". Um, my topic was "Eculizumab in the treatment of Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria". If you didnt' come for the "eculizumab" part of it or the "PNH" part of it, then you were in the wrong room. I did, judiciously, briefly go over the other medications but what use is it for me to spend another 30 minuites on the background information when all am trying to do is introducing the new drug available? Although through this experience, i've learned that my forte is still " knowing my patient and knowing them well". I like to put everyone's life into a story in my head and the treatments they've gone through because I dont just care about them like they are case studies. And I think that realy helps. Even when I talk about some of the diseases I always connect them to patients I have seen. So I guess THAT is my niche.
so my body usually goes into over drive with I have a ton of stress, and I have finally reached my 'off'rotation during which I have 6 weeks off. this morning when i woke up I immediately felt a bit under the weather. my nose is runny and my head hurts. My eyes are somwhat swollen maybe from drinking too much water or the sickness itself. In anycase, I hope I do feel better soon. I plan to get a facial sometime this weekend because i feel pretty disgusting over all and my face is a bit broken out. It would be nice to have a spa day to de-stress. :)
BUT, I have to say that although I became more interested in certain fields of my study, i am never an over-achiever like some people. Another part of this rotation that makes it hard is that, my classmate who is my partner for this rotation, had a niche for oncology since a long time ago. She had plenty of experience in-patient. She picked pretty much ALL her rotations in a cancer hospital. She knew the drugs well and she went the extra mile for any assignments we may have. For that I had to push myself even harder in fear of looking like the stupider student. So whenever we had topic discussions in the afternoon she would provide us with lots and lots of handouts that she made or articles she pulled, completed with pictures and graphs and whatnot. Well, I couldn't exactly match THAT, but I did have to sacrifice my lunchtime to make 'outlines' for my topic presentation days (usually these are days when you just talk about a certain disease state informally). Which worked out fine, in my case I guess. My preceptor was cool with just having an outline which they could look at while I did my talk. Another thing she did was asking 'rhetorical questions'. questions she already knew the answers of, but making it a self-answered format. It bugged the HECK out of me, because she obviously did the research so she knew the answer, or she studied and memorized it, or whatever, but she would be asking it like "is this drug so and so because it causes so and so to happen in the 'insert and organ' so we need to watch out for side effects like so and so"? and i was like, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER! and she did this even on readings that we were both assigned and just talked and talked so that i couldn't have a chance to prove myself (of course, i later learned to 'compete' for the right the answer). and of course on our final presentation, on which we had a time limit of 30 minuites, she made it into a ONE FRIGGIN HOUR presentation completed all and every aspect of the disease possible and ALL treatment options, and that's a lot in the world of pharmacy and medicine. so that of course made my 30-minuite presenation look somewhat like sh*t. I did a fine job, but in the presence of her over-achieving presentation i was getting comments like "I would like to see more studies done" "I want to see all treatment options available for this other disease". Um, my topic was "Eculizumab in the treatment of Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria". If you didnt' come for the "eculizumab" part of it or the "PNH" part of it, then you were in the wrong room. I did, judiciously, briefly go over the other medications but what use is it for me to spend another 30 minuites on the background information when all am trying to do is introducing the new drug available? Although through this experience, i've learned that my forte is still " knowing my patient and knowing them well". I like to put everyone's life into a story in my head and the treatments they've gone through because I dont just care about them like they are case studies. And I think that realy helps. Even when I talk about some of the diseases I always connect them to patients I have seen. So I guess THAT is my niche.
so my body usually goes into over drive with I have a ton of stress, and I have finally reached my 'off'rotation during which I have 6 weeks off. this morning when i woke up I immediately felt a bit under the weather. my nose is runny and my head hurts. My eyes are somwhat swollen maybe from drinking too much water or the sickness itself. In anycase, I hope I do feel better soon. I plan to get a facial sometime this weekend because i feel pretty disgusting over all and my face is a bit broken out. It would be nice to have a spa day to de-stress. :)
2010年2月9日 星期二
because i have some time and i'm sitting in the library i'm goign to update my blog
Because I used the Superbowl weekend to, well, watch Superbowl and rest after my series of interview, i actually accomplished a lot. I'm 99% done with my final presentation, and at this point I am just waiting for the end of it all (on thursday). then I will be rotation free for the next 6 weeks.
I wish that i didn't have this "inverview" cloud hanging over my head. Then i'd be really excited about the upcoming break. But the fact that, knowing a lot of my classmates got the position they wanted (and these are classmates who i'm not particularly friends with), makes me feel somewhat sad about my fellowship/job outlook. it's pretty much the first thing i think about upon waking up, and last thing i think about before going to bed. Well, THAT and my current rotation. my social like is at a complete halt right now. and then i sit around wondering why i'm 'dateless' for V-day (actually, not really). ;)
So last night i enjoyed a night of The Bachelor marathon. it's particularly ironic when you're single and you've been watching the past 5 seasons...knowing that none of these relationships will work out and in order to win over the bachelor (who is gorgeous by the way, but kinda cheesey) you gotta act like you've fallen in love upon meeting him, and probably find the shirt with the least amount of fabric to wear so he can practically stare through you top. I often wonder if i ever signed myself up for the show in hope to find 'true love', if i'd be eliminated upon stepping off the limo (not even to the first round of Rose Ceremony). HAHA. the contestants are just all too gorgeous, however shallow they may seem and the numerous tanning sessions and plastic surgeries they go through. i think The Bachelor really like that. Anyway, i am putting too much thought into a little silly show. It's actually making me a ever more bitter single woman. ;)
@ KJ: thanks...I do hope that i can find out as much as about these positions as possible when i go to the onsite interviews. today's job market makes me fee like "begger's can't be choosers" (maybe i'm exageratting a little bit). but i feel that i should be thankful for whatever comes my way, at the same time, i'm also so reluctant to leave home to somewhere far, far away where ther is lots of snow storms and a whole lotta nothing (ie New jersey). and i tend to always project a few years on top what what i have right now to see what is the optimal time to return to tw, so that my parents won't be too old and we can still spend quality time together..so and so.
this is why i think i need to just shut down my brain sometimes. :P
I wish that i didn't have this "inverview" cloud hanging over my head. Then i'd be really excited about the upcoming break. But the fact that, knowing a lot of my classmates got the position they wanted (and these are classmates who i'm not particularly friends with), makes me feel somewhat sad about my fellowship/job outlook. it's pretty much the first thing i think about upon waking up, and last thing i think about before going to bed. Well, THAT and my current rotation. my social like is at a complete halt right now. and then i sit around wondering why i'm 'dateless' for V-day (actually, not really). ;)
So last night i enjoyed a night of The Bachelor marathon. it's particularly ironic when you're single and you've been watching the past 5 seasons...knowing that none of these relationships will work out and in order to win over the bachelor (who is gorgeous by the way, but kinda cheesey) you gotta act like you've fallen in love upon meeting him, and probably find the shirt with the least amount of fabric to wear so he can practically stare through you top. I often wonder if i ever signed myself up for the show in hope to find 'true love', if i'd be eliminated upon stepping off the limo (not even to the first round of Rose Ceremony). HAHA. the contestants are just all too gorgeous, however shallow they may seem and the numerous tanning sessions and plastic surgeries they go through. i think The Bachelor really like that. Anyway, i am putting too much thought into a little silly show. It's actually making me a ever more bitter single woman. ;)
@ KJ: thanks...I do hope that i can find out as much as about these positions as possible when i go to the onsite interviews. today's job market makes me fee like "begger's can't be choosers" (maybe i'm exageratting a little bit). but i feel that i should be thankful for whatever comes my way, at the same time, i'm also so reluctant to leave home to somewhere far, far away where ther is lots of snow storms and a whole lotta nothing (ie New jersey). and i tend to always project a few years on top what what i have right now to see what is the optimal time to return to tw, so that my parents won't be too old and we can still spend quality time together..so and so.
this is why i think i need to just shut down my brain sometimes. :P
2010年2月7日 星期日
a whole lotta nuthin'
This is probably the first weekend since a long time ago I finally have time to sit home during a free weekend to blog. I really apologize for not keeping up. This usually happens during extreme stress/depressed mood. I don't feel that crappy overall but the job aspect has definitely depleted a lot of my enthusiasm and the rotation drained a lot of my energy.
To make long story short, last december I went to great length to prepare for 10+ applications/interviews, and went through 3 days straight of interviews in Vegas with no fun time, and finally got 2 offers for an on-site interview sometime during early January. I flew to new jersey to interview with them. Each company requires you to spend the whole day with them. And I mean literally the whole day from 830 to 4pm. You basically talk to someone every half an hour until you're emotionally and physically drained. And you give a powerpoint presentation sometime in between (and i made one brand new too just for these company and their impossible requirements). On top of that, you also had to read a research paper and send in your critique before the actual onsite interview. Although super tired and somewhat nervous, I finished both interviews with high hopes. I could tell that I really kicked ass during the presentation, but with so many more applicants this year d/t the recession, I can't be 100% sure. I got followup phone calls from one company in particular somewhat asking me to make a decision between the two companies (they know about each other) and I was completely caught off guard.
I then spent the next month waiting in vain for the results. When I didn't hear anything on the proposed day of decision I knew I was out. Of course my suspicion was confirmed via phone calls/email that the offer belonged to someone else. At which point, my mood was very very bad. Because I went through so much work. and then nothing. It pains me to even look at the presentation I made and the articles I had to read for these companies. I dont think i ever or will ever have to try this hard for any job in my life. They raised the bar so high that as a candidate you had to jump through these hoops in order to be the chosen one.
Then I was called back for a residency interview in nyc. I thought that was a very interesting surprise. I had applied for hospital residencies as a back up, and didn't think i'd get any invites. But I went anyway, since there's really no backup plan as of now. Then i was put through another all-day interview between 2 medical centers, only to find out in the end that the program isn't that great because they work their residents to death. I would be living in nyc working 60+ hr a week and never see the sun. And the interview was poorly organized. half the interviewers prolly didn't show up. And the ones who did show up had trouble identifying which candidate should go to which room. At one point I was being interviewed in the cafeteria because of some room booking confusion. I'd be damned if that interview worked in my favor. At the end of the day it was coming straight back to LA for my rotation the next day.
And did I mention I am also doing my oncology rotation at the same time? I pulled 2 50+ weeks 2 weeks in a row just so I can fly to the east coast to get interviewed. In hindsight, all for nothing. Everyday at the hospital I could feel that I was just so sad and tired.
I had planned to go back to tw during my off rotation (which starts valentine's day weekend) but because I haven't received any offers I have to wait in the US for 2 interviews (one has yet to be booked).
It's been really hard for me, i'm sure looking back I will feel so sorry for myself. To be physically and mentally challenged at the hospital rotation, trying to impress my preceptor and match my super type-A partner, coming home to lots of rejection letter/email/phone calls, and flying all over the US for more interviews which are the least promising, and coming back to work straight through the week. I am only giving myself a free weekend so i can work on my final presentation and exam for my last week of rotation.
There are things that make me feel bad. like finding out my friend who got married got pregnant (not that it's a bad thing for her, but that's also something i haven't fulfilled my womanly duty for), and another girl getting engaged to a apparently very well off MD.
When I looked at the cancer patients at teh hospital and I wonder if i'll become one of them with my constant high stress level. I felt bad that during my time at the hospital I've already seen two pts go. and i had seen them while they were alive. really puts everything in perspective for you.
but at the same time, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I just produced a 1 hr long presentation completed with all kinds of studies and graphics within an hour, and i feel absolutely no anxiety about presenting it. I guess after having to present in front of 8 pharm.d.s + MDs at these company interviews nothing can make me pee my pants at this point. :P
To make long story short, last december I went to great length to prepare for 10+ applications/interviews, and went through 3 days straight of interviews in Vegas with no fun time, and finally got 2 offers for an on-site interview sometime during early January. I flew to new jersey to interview with them. Each company requires you to spend the whole day with them. And I mean literally the whole day from 830 to 4pm. You basically talk to someone every half an hour until you're emotionally and physically drained. And you give a powerpoint presentation sometime in between (and i made one brand new too just for these company and their impossible requirements). On top of that, you also had to read a research paper and send in your critique before the actual onsite interview. Although super tired and somewhat nervous, I finished both interviews with high hopes. I could tell that I really kicked ass during the presentation, but with so many more applicants this year d/t the recession, I can't be 100% sure. I got followup phone calls from one company in particular somewhat asking me to make a decision between the two companies (they know about each other) and I was completely caught off guard.
I then spent the next month waiting in vain for the results. When I didn't hear anything on the proposed day of decision I knew I was out. Of course my suspicion was confirmed via phone calls/email that the offer belonged to someone else. At which point, my mood was very very bad. Because I went through so much work. and then nothing. It pains me to even look at the presentation I made and the articles I had to read for these companies. I dont think i ever or will ever have to try this hard for any job in my life. They raised the bar so high that as a candidate you had to jump through these hoops in order to be the chosen one.
Then I was called back for a residency interview in nyc. I thought that was a very interesting surprise. I had applied for hospital residencies as a back up, and didn't think i'd get any invites. But I went anyway, since there's really no backup plan as of now. Then i was put through another all-day interview between 2 medical centers, only to find out in the end that the program isn't that great because they work their residents to death. I would be living in nyc working 60+ hr a week and never see the sun. And the interview was poorly organized. half the interviewers prolly didn't show up. And the ones who did show up had trouble identifying which candidate should go to which room. At one point I was being interviewed in the cafeteria because of some room booking confusion. I'd be damned if that interview worked in my favor. At the end of the day it was coming straight back to LA for my rotation the next day.
And did I mention I am also doing my oncology rotation at the same time? I pulled 2 50+ weeks 2 weeks in a row just so I can fly to the east coast to get interviewed. In hindsight, all for nothing. Everyday at the hospital I could feel that I was just so sad and tired.
I had planned to go back to tw during my off rotation (which starts valentine's day weekend) but because I haven't received any offers I have to wait in the US for 2 interviews (one has yet to be booked).
It's been really hard for me, i'm sure looking back I will feel so sorry for myself. To be physically and mentally challenged at the hospital rotation, trying to impress my preceptor and match my super type-A partner, coming home to lots of rejection letter/email/phone calls, and flying all over the US for more interviews which are the least promising, and coming back to work straight through the week. I am only giving myself a free weekend so i can work on my final presentation and exam for my last week of rotation.
There are things that make me feel bad. like finding out my friend who got married got pregnant (not that it's a bad thing for her, but that's also something i haven't fulfilled my womanly duty for), and another girl getting engaged to a apparently very well off MD.
When I looked at the cancer patients at teh hospital and I wonder if i'll become one of them with my constant high stress level. I felt bad that during my time at the hospital I've already seen two pts go. and i had seen them while they were alive. really puts everything in perspective for you.
but at the same time, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I just produced a 1 hr long presentation completed with all kinds of studies and graphics within an hour, and i feel absolutely no anxiety about presenting it. I guess after having to present in front of 8 pharm.d.s + MDs at these company interviews nothing can make me pee my pants at this point. :P
2010年1月17日 星期日
What to do
Yes...it is a known fact that I can't update my blog when under extreme stress/worries.
A few words since my last update. I have received calls. I have flown over and returned from the east coast from interviews with two companies I applied for. I spent 2 whole days interviewing with them (from 830 to 330) and flying back and forth and I was so tired and drained from the trip to the east coast (and the fact that I have to make up the days I missed from rotation).
Anyway, I am right on the brink of everything. I am trying to write thank you cards to the people I interviewed with. But I am completely getting cold feet. Am I ready to move? More and more i'm flip flopping everyday about the decision. I am all of a sudden having this great fear from being on the other side of the country and away from all my family. I know no one on that side of the continent and no family at all. This typically did not bother me. but all of a sudden it's so debilitating. I feel that I am getting myself into it more by investing so much time into it. I am putting on a happy face while a part of me is getting really, really tired of being so far away from my family and people who i care for and love. I dont know if i am into the being alone in a small town (not nyc) just so i can get experiences to come home. I want to be surrounded by people who can give me a boost in morale when I am down after work, and not over Skype or the phone.
I think i am just really, really homesick and really scared to move far far away from everyone I know. like the big move i made when I was 15 to the US. I guess old memories dont die easy.
A few words since my last update. I have received calls. I have flown over and returned from the east coast from interviews with two companies I applied for. I spent 2 whole days interviewing with them (from 830 to 330) and flying back and forth and I was so tired and drained from the trip to the east coast (and the fact that I have to make up the days I missed from rotation).
Anyway, I am right on the brink of everything. I am trying to write thank you cards to the people I interviewed with. But I am completely getting cold feet. Am I ready to move? More and more i'm flip flopping everyday about the decision. I am all of a sudden having this great fear from being on the other side of the country and away from all my family. I know no one on that side of the continent and no family at all. This typically did not bother me. but all of a sudden it's so debilitating. I feel that I am getting myself into it more by investing so much time into it. I am putting on a happy face while a part of me is getting really, really tired of being so far away from my family and people who i care for and love. I dont know if i am into the being alone in a small town (not nyc) just so i can get experiences to come home. I want to be surrounded by people who can give me a boost in morale when I am down after work, and not over Skype or the phone.
I think i am just really, really homesick and really scared to move far far away from everyone I know. like the big move i made when I was 15 to the US. I guess old memories dont die easy.
2010年1月3日 星期日
last day for me to do absolutely nothing
EEEK! today is the last day of my winter break. ARGHH! Can't believe that 2 weeks flew by just like that. although i have to say that it feels like much longer because I was able to squeeze in some really quality time to rest and travel and do nothing, but still, the thought that tomorrow at this time I will be whining through my way through the next rotation is just kind of annoying. particularly because it's a hard one. particularly because I have it on campus with a smartie from my class, particularly because it's oncology which i remember nothing about. ok time to stop stressing!
So I'm lying in my bed and organizing the pictures. I decided that I will give a mini summary of my xmas break in a nutshell:
San Diego- accomplished a lot. went to the Sharp Hospital Open House (for business), and Old Town, Hillcrest, Downtown San Diego (for fun). We tried this new moroccan restaurant that was super yummy. the beef/shrim/tuna kebab was out of this world! and we FINALLY made it in the doors of Sushi Deli. I've waited in line to try this place at least 3 times in my life and i never got close to within 15 min of being seated. If you ever have a chance to go to San Diego you'd see it's outrageous how many people waste their time standing in the cold for the sushi here. BUT, since i never got to try throughout college, i decided to give it ago. and luckily we weren't that far down the list so we actually got in this time. Yes, it's reasonably price, no, the sushi quality is no where as good as what you can find in LA or OC. It's purely for the non-asian tastebuds or those who are on a tight budget. But if you ask me, you can spend the same amt of money in LA and get much better quality. You'd be better off walk around Gaslamp and find a good italian/steakhouse/Indian there, in my opinion. At the end of the day on our way back we stopped by Taiko (a authentic japanese place in Irvine). LOTS of food and tastes great. I can't believe i only paid that much for the quality of sashimi i got.
SF -
We went to SF for Xmas. The first night we got to spend xmas dinner on our own (me and my sis) and we went to an Indian buffet. all you can eat Indian food (plus the yummiest milk tea) for $12. It's at this place called Naan 'n' Curry. I thought that was a petty memorable xmas dinner considering the fact that we didn't go to a regular restaurant and spend $50 on finger food. I absolutely loved their curry (and milk tea) there. Over the next couple days, we also stopped by a friend's xmas party, Ferry Building (SUPER FUN almost reminds me of Quincy Market in Boston), Sausalito (cold and not that spectacular compared to SD), and more Union Square (love love love), some Jewish diner, and Shabu shabu. think I listed them all.
NYE-
Yes, i had some very tasty brazilian bbq! I've heard of Fogo de Chao for quite some time now but never tried. the rumor is true. it is Y.U.M.M.Y. all of the beef items were juicy and nicely marinated, the salad bar was above-average, and the never ending mash potato and fried plantains were also very delicious. My only complaint is that the Caparihna was on the pricey side and was wayy too strong. but the service was courteous and it didn't hurt that all the waiters were eye candies with an accent. ;) 4 stars! We then walked to Tanzore a close-by indian restaurant/lounge for the countdown.
It was a nice alternative because we were cutting pretty close to midnight and didnt' feel like traveling too far. we ended up having some Rose Champagne for the countdown. a very interesting experience.
Rest of the days -
were pretty uneventful. My sis was sick as hell so she couldn't' do much. But i did end up going to dinner with a friend at a indian restaurant in the area and shopped some more for deeply discounted stuff. I got pants for $10 and $15..isn't it crazy? You can't even get pants that cheap in Asia. :)
Alritey. gonna prolly sleep the rest of my day off. It's pretty sunny out and i can't believe my break is over! Wahhhhhh!
So I'm lying in my bed and organizing the pictures. I decided that I will give a mini summary of my xmas break in a nutshell:
San Diego- accomplished a lot. went to the Sharp Hospital Open House (for business), and Old Town, Hillcrest, Downtown San Diego (for fun). We tried this new moroccan restaurant that was super yummy. the beef/shrim/tuna kebab was out of this world! and we FINALLY made it in the doors of Sushi Deli. I've waited in line to try this place at least 3 times in my life and i never got close to within 15 min of being seated. If you ever have a chance to go to San Diego you'd see it's outrageous how many people waste their time standing in the cold for the sushi here. BUT, since i never got to try throughout college, i decided to give it ago. and luckily we weren't that far down the list so we actually got in this time. Yes, it's reasonably price, no, the sushi quality is no where as good as what you can find in LA or OC. It's purely for the non-asian tastebuds or those who are on a tight budget. But if you ask me, you can spend the same amt of money in LA and get much better quality. You'd be better off walk around Gaslamp and find a good italian/steakhouse/Indian there, in my opinion. At the end of the day on our way back we stopped by Taiko (a authentic japanese place in Irvine). LOTS of food and tastes great. I can't believe i only paid that much for the quality of sashimi i got.
SF -
We went to SF for Xmas. The first night we got to spend xmas dinner on our own (me and my sis) and we went to an Indian buffet. all you can eat Indian food (plus the yummiest milk tea) for $12. It's at this place called Naan 'n' Curry. I thought that was a petty memorable xmas dinner considering the fact that we didn't go to a regular restaurant and spend $50 on finger food. I absolutely loved their curry (and milk tea) there. Over the next couple days, we also stopped by a friend's xmas party, Ferry Building (SUPER FUN almost reminds me of Quincy Market in Boston), Sausalito (cold and not that spectacular compared to SD), and more Union Square (love love love), some Jewish diner, and Shabu shabu. think I listed them all.
NYE-
Yes, i had some very tasty brazilian bbq! I've heard of Fogo de Chao for quite some time now but never tried. the rumor is true. it is Y.U.M.M.Y. all of the beef items were juicy and nicely marinated, the salad bar was above-average, and the never ending mash potato and fried plantains were also very delicious. My only complaint is that the Caparihna was on the pricey side and was wayy too strong. but the service was courteous and it didn't hurt that all the waiters were eye candies with an accent. ;) 4 stars! We then walked to Tanzore a close-by indian restaurant/lounge for the countdown.
It was a nice alternative because we were cutting pretty close to midnight and didnt' feel like traveling too far. we ended up having some Rose Champagne for the countdown. a very interesting experience.
Rest of the days -
were pretty uneventful. My sis was sick as hell so she couldn't' do much. But i did end up going to dinner with a friend at a indian restaurant in the area and shopped some more for deeply discounted stuff. I got pants for $10 and $15..isn't it crazy? You can't even get pants that cheap in Asia. :)
Alritey. gonna prolly sleep the rest of my day off. It's pretty sunny out and i can't believe my break is over! Wahhhhhh!
2010年1月1日 星期五
Is it ok to not have new year's resolution this year?
So I decided that this year I will not make any New Year's Resolution I cannot keep. I thought about making new ones, but it would be unrealistic of me to swear off these following things:
1) work out at least 3 times a week: seeing how i am sitting on the couch right in front of a perfectly functioning treadmill, while drinking my first boba of the year, this is most likely not going to happen. The house is cold, and I kind of dont feel like breaking a sweat. True, I probably gained a few pounds over the holidays and can probably get more definition in my arms, but c'mon, it's cold out, and I will be wearing long sleeves for the rest of the winter. I will work out when I feel like it, or eat salad when the temperature is at least over 60 degrees. It's really not like I'll be slipping in a tube dress anytime soon, so let's just be comfortable and forget about the workout.
2) Write only positive thoughts in my blog: ok, this of all things, probably will not last past 3 days. Probably because if i promise anything now, when the interviews roll around or when major decisions have to be made about whether to move or not, I will be full of complaints/doubts. and yes, this is a somewhat crucial year and I really dont want to give myself a hard time for writing about my doubts and negative feelings. It may be somewhat unpleasant to read, but I need to vent somehwere. and what better place than on your blog (than in the face of your co-worker, boss, friends, strangers...). I CAN however write more about pleasant things/trips in my life. that much i can promise. ;)
3) Be more positive about my love life (or lack thereof): well, this is something that is totally out of my control so why sweat about it.
These are some of the more major areas of life I can think of. But I really think I want to just take it easy this year and not worry about coming up with new year's resultions and feeling crappy about not keeping them 3 days after I make them.
Happy New Year Everyone! <3
1) work out at least 3 times a week: seeing how i am sitting on the couch right in front of a perfectly functioning treadmill, while drinking my first boba of the year, this is most likely not going to happen. The house is cold, and I kind of dont feel like breaking a sweat. True, I probably gained a few pounds over the holidays and can probably get more definition in my arms, but c'mon, it's cold out, and I will be wearing long sleeves for the rest of the winter. I will work out when I feel like it, or eat salad when the temperature is at least over 60 degrees. It's really not like I'll be slipping in a tube dress anytime soon, so let's just be comfortable and forget about the workout.
2) Write only positive thoughts in my blog: ok, this of all things, probably will not last past 3 days. Probably because if i promise anything now, when the interviews roll around or when major decisions have to be made about whether to move or not, I will be full of complaints/doubts. and yes, this is a somewhat crucial year and I really dont want to give myself a hard time for writing about my doubts and negative feelings. It may be somewhat unpleasant to read, but I need to vent somehwere. and what better place than on your blog (than in the face of your co-worker, boss, friends, strangers...). I CAN however write more about pleasant things/trips in my life. that much i can promise. ;)
3) Be more positive about my love life (or lack thereof): well, this is something that is totally out of my control so why sweat about it.
These are some of the more major areas of life I can think of. But I really think I want to just take it easy this year and not worry about coming up with new year's resultions and feeling crappy about not keeping them 3 days after I make them.
Happy New Year Everyone! <3
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