a whole lotta nuthin'

This is probably the first weekend since a long time ago I finally have time to sit home during a free weekend to blog. I really apologize for not keeping up. This usually happens during extreme stress/depressed mood. I don't feel that crappy overall but the job aspect has definitely depleted a lot of my enthusiasm and the rotation drained a lot of my energy.

To make long story short, last december I went to great length to prepare for 10+ applications/interviews, and went through 3 days straight of interviews in Vegas with no fun time, and finally got 2 offers for an on-site interview sometime during early January. I flew to new jersey to interview with them. Each company requires you to spend the whole day with them. And I mean literally the whole day from 830 to 4pm. You basically talk to someone every half an hour until you're emotionally and physically drained. And you give a powerpoint presentation sometime in between (and i made one brand new too just for these company and their impossible requirements). On top of that, you also had to read a research paper and send in your critique before the actual onsite interview. Although super tired and somewhat nervous, I finished both interviews with high hopes. I could tell that I really kicked ass during the presentation, but with so many more applicants this year d/t the recession, I can't be 100% sure. I got followup phone calls from one company in particular somewhat asking me to make a decision between the two companies (they know about each other) and I was completely caught off guard.

I then spent the next month waiting in vain for the results. When I didn't hear anything on the proposed day of decision I knew I was out. Of course my suspicion was confirmed via phone calls/email that the offer belonged to someone else. At which point, my mood was very very bad. Because I went through so much work. and then nothing. It pains me to even look at the presentation I made and the articles I had to read for these companies. I dont think i ever or will ever have to try this hard for any job in my life. They raised the bar so high that as a candidate you had to jump through these hoops in order to be the chosen one.

Then I was called back for a residency interview in nyc. I thought that was a very interesting surprise. I had applied for hospital residencies as a back up, and didn't think i'd get any invites. But I went anyway, since there's really no backup plan as of now. Then i was put through another all-day interview between 2 medical centers, only to find out in the end that the program isn't that great because they work their residents to death. I would be living in nyc working 60+ hr a week and never see the sun. And the interview was poorly organized. half the interviewers prolly didn't show up. And the ones who did show up had trouble identifying which candidate should go to which room. At one point I was being interviewed in the cafeteria because of some room booking confusion. I'd be damned if that interview worked in my favor. At the end of the day it was coming straight back to LA for my rotation the next day.

And did I mention I am also doing my oncology rotation at the same time? I pulled 2 50+ weeks 2 weeks in a row just so I can fly to the east coast to get interviewed. In hindsight, all for nothing. Everyday at the hospital I could feel that I was just so sad and tired.

I had planned to go back to tw during my off rotation (which starts valentine's day weekend) but because I haven't received any offers I have to wait in the US for 2 interviews (one has yet to be booked).

It's been really hard for me, i'm sure looking back I will feel so sorry for myself. To be physically and mentally challenged at the hospital rotation, trying to impress my preceptor and match my super type-A partner, coming home to lots of rejection letter/email/phone calls, and flying all over the US for more interviews which are the least promising, and coming back to work straight through the week. I am only giving myself a free weekend so i can work on my final presentation and exam for my last week of rotation.

There are things that make me feel bad. like finding out my friend who got married got pregnant (not that it's a bad thing for her, but that's also something i haven't fulfilled my womanly duty for), and another girl getting engaged to a apparently very well off MD.

When I looked at the cancer patients at teh hospital and I wonder if i'll become one of them with my constant high stress level. I felt bad that during my time at the hospital I've already seen two pts go. and i had seen them while they were alive. really puts everything in perspective for you.

but at the same time, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I just produced a 1 hr long presentation completed with all kinds of studies and graphics within an hour, and i feel absolutely no anxiety about presenting it. I guess after having to present in front of 8 pharm.d.s + MDs at these company interviews nothing can make me pee my pants at this point. :P