a little update about the JOB situation (英)

Today I was cleaning out my room filled with piles of trash and I came across a bunch of stuff i used while i was busy looking for a fellowship: company brochures, scientific articles pertaining to a certain product they manufacture, associated recommendations relating to their product, LOTS of business cards, my resume binder...etc. For some reason i find this whole thing very oddly ironic. I dont mean it in the way that I am an extremely depressed **** because I have failed to locate a fellowship position. I think rather, it's the time i spent looking for a fellowship and still the results are like this.

I pretty much spent ALL of my Dec, January and february flying all over the country. It came so close to a breakdown point, but I felt that although tiring, i'd be rewarded with something at the end of all this. then it was the anticipation phase, where you come home after a trip to the east coast and expect to hear back and you dont --then the rejection over the phone/email. Then you pick yourself back up the following day and go to rotation.

I would say the whole cycle repeated around 6 times (i'm ONLY counting the ones i made it to an onsite interview. there were probably 9 more programs who i interviewed with in vegas). and in the end you felt numb. You aren't sure what went wrong there. Could i have a horrible CV compared to everyone else? Am I a bad interviewer that's why after so many face time i still come up behind? Is it because of my lack of industry experience? Is it because of my grades? Is it because I seemed tired during the interview due to the jet lag and wasn't as focused as i should have been? Is it because of the presentation I gave during the interview? Is it because I should have seemed super hyper and excited about the opportunity and I failed to show that? Is it because in my head I still have doubts about moving far, far away from home so my performance shows that? Is it because I am simply unfit to do pharmacy/fellowship and that other candidates are just more qualified?

I will never know.

All i know is that, when i got rejected by BMS AGAIN 3 weeks ago I felt nothing. Then yesterday I had to attend the mandatory graduation meeting and I had to embarrassingly repeat 3 times to different people how my future plan still remains unknown. Even my last hope (baxter) seem oddly out of reach now because while walking past a line of people getting their photos taken i overheard a conversation between two classmates about the girl getting the baxter position. And i thought they were still conducting 1st interviews! So someone already got it? and i'm left in the dark? I couldn't believe my boss could have done this to me. Because we had such a good relationship i almost didn't really have an actual interview there. They just chatted with me because they told me they already knew how i operate and how i work. and they loved my performance while i was there. I got pretty concerned after 2 weeks in taiwan and no response. I proceeded to send another email to her just to confirm that i did not miss a phone call. And then nothing. i sent another email to my other coworker to check, and still nothing. It's like my emails dropped out of the face of the earth.

So my fellowship search is officially coming to an end. and THAT is why I was super depressed while putting away the suitcase I used to travel domestically and the associated stuff. well, THAT and what i talked about in the previous post. and my super pessimism even in the presence of my taiwanese friends who came within 2 meters of me.

I can't help but feel like a little failure. mostly because i had really wanted a fellowship position because it's a sure fire entry to industry. And the fact the i also applied for residency positions and decided to withdraw from the match because i didn't like the program i interviewed with. then the other ones were filled quickly/decided not to respond to me due to the high volume of applicants (they said so in the email). so i officially have no 'back-up's now.

And I suppose that is why i felt little joy concerning the fact that I am graduating in 7 weeks. I could start emailing all of the companies like mad, just going down a list i pulled from the internet, or ----- go to my ultimate plan B. Which is happening a lot sooner than i thought.

Plan B: do Rx staffing work here and there until end of the year. Then go back to Taiwan to job hunt. Will probably stick with big pharmas. and study for GMAT at the same time. try to make new friends while i am there. if i work a couple years, and i still feel the urge to go business and do an mba and let it be so. if not, i'll just continue working. Plus, I would be able to meet more people I would potentially be willing to 'end up' with. instead of just growing older here in my scholarly world, meeting guys who i dont see a real potential with due to race/personality. year after year i feel that my frigid self in LA will end up a spinster. but that's for another post.

Ok. i should stop here.