cloud hanging over my head

Over the past couple of days I met up with my friends from back home as well as my 'date'. Both have gone pretty well. I really missed seeing my friends and now that everybody is working and is doing well it's very rare that we still keep in touch and still have such close relationship with each other. We ended up going to one of the really inexpensive pasta place in town and spent 5 hours there until closing time.

My date with my my mom's friend's son went okay. there was no real spark, but i didn't hate him either. Overall i got the feeling that he's just a little boy. Although we are the same age but he's just started getting his Ph.D. after his Masters. Although I think because he's getting his Ph.D. at a different school so he has to start from year 1 (which means he still has 3 years ahead of him), plus the one year of military service. In general i did get the vibe that his only interest is staying in and playing video games. He is getting his Ph.D. in electric engineering at NTU so he's definiiltey a smart guy. But socially he seems very shy. We just chatted and walked around the shopping areas of taipei. I have met lots of braniacs so we have lots to talk about relating to scholarly stuff. But generally i'm postive we only got the 'friend' vibe from each other so it ended well.

Last update, still haven't heard a word from the last two companies I interviewed with. Nada. One of them I'm pretty sure that the offer should have gone out last friday (i was told so), unless they were seriously snowed in or had no time to discuss their candidates at all, i'm not very optimistic about it. and the other one, where i did my rotation, still haven't heard back from my boss regarding 2nd interview. At this rate i'm trying to let myself down easy. having done a rotation there really doesn't mean much in today's job market. In fact, i'm not sure if anything means anything any more in today's job market. When it comes down to you vs. 8 people in the end. if you're not the last person standing you're not in the picture at all.

It saddens me a little that while I am really happy to be in the company of my close friends and family who hold me together during this time, I am not feeling that I will ultimately get into the field that i want. I dont know if i'm looking at more years of community or hospital pharmacy ahead of me or what. And the fact I am getting older doesn't help either. because i see all my friends in relationships it makes me feel handicapped to not be in one. another voice in my head tells me that if i am returning to taiwan in the end and i dont want to marry an old fart i should just come back now, using unemployment as a terrific excuse.

I also have somewhat realized (again) at how competitive/ambitious I am. I spoke to somenoe in my class who got into Astra Zeneca in Taiwan just recently, working in the clinical trial developement, and i had to say i was feeling a little jealous. back then (and always) he was my intellectual equivalent, and we happened to get into similar fields in college as well. To hear that he transitioned smoothly into one of the big companies and in a division i also like made me feel horrible. to top it off,he's not a bad looking guy either, and he happens to be single. my dad was all suggesting that I get with him (of course as a joke), and I think I was more concerned with the fact that I'm gettin rejected by my dream jobs and that this guy has something i want. Plus, he was dating some really cutsie girl with baby voice and a tiny frame in the past, THIS would never work out between me and him. It also reminded me of seeing these guys in suits once at the airport when i was traveling back from the interview. They were real cute guys and almost everyone was giving them a double take. I was the only other girl in the cabin in a full suit, and yet I was feeling sort of sad/jealous as well probably because these cute guys were already traveling for work, and yet i was TRYING to get a job that will allow me to be in their shoes. I'm really going mad i'm sure. this work thing is getting in the way of my appreciating guys who are good looking and successful. i really hope it's not step one of heading down spinster-ville.

ugh! about to head out to have some boba and shopping and cannot block this out of my head.

OK, no nore depressive thoughts. we shall find out about it all.