how i got here i have no idea

this morning i was having breakfast with an old friend. from back in college. i was spilling lots about my rotation, and good thing he wasn't the least bit scared by my reaction (i hope). i have tried to refrain myself from talking too much or feeling too much because everyday i'm getting over it a little. but from time to time it is like PTSD, i remember scenes that have happened and they would make me very sad.

For some reason, the hawaii rotation felt like a old relationship you have with someone. it felt like a bad breakup. I was probably so hurt from it that i walked away with lots of regrets. in a way, i can't believe how much i've learned, and grown from the rotation. in that way it felt very much like a relaionship. jumping into it i had no prior experience in hospital, had no prior exposure in clinical pharmacy and what these pharmacists actually do. i had never worked with doctors before (good OR bad). and i had no time to review any material because it started the week after school ended. So today, when my preceptor was talking about the new rotation, and how there would be a learning curve, and how she didn't want to overwhelm us with too much assignment, i was thinking that i've had to handle ALL THIS. when i didn't know any better. And i was suffering so much. everyday jsut feeling bad about my incompetency. I would go home and sleep and wake up and read the guidelines until i fall asleep again. and then the next day starts. I would go in early to work up my patients just so i can have something to say during rounds. I wanted to be everything. i wanted to prove everyone including myself that i can handle it. And then when third week came around i hit rock bottom. I was crying on the way home. and i had to stop by the pharmacy just so i can get melatonin to help me sleep. i couldn't digest anything fully because i was too stressed. and i was sad from everything.

But this rotation, we have all the time in the world. we dont have to deal with physicians (good OR bad). we dont have too much reading to too. most of the time we just sit there and listen. if there's anything i'm not familiar with i am told the information. compared to before i'd be stared in the eye by the pharmacist who put you on the spot so bad that you started to doubt your own IQ. this right now is a walk in a park.

i have no physicians who would ignore me in the morning. or someone who would in appropriately flirt with me. I didn't have to show up at 6am just to work on things that no body cared about. this is like dating someone new. who is a lot more appreciative of you. who doesn't break your heart. who is nice to you and communicates with you. who you want to be married to.

i often wonder (nd my friend said so too) how i got to where i am today. a single independent girl who (seems to) care nothing about relationships and who does everything on her own, who constantly wants to challenge herself and who knows how to take care of most things in life. and i've had to explain in a way that makes sense to me, although not to others really, that ive had to learned to do all this, not because i want to beat the MEN out there. i only learned these skills because if i dont do them, nobody's gonna do it for me. and i've been single for so long that over the years i've had to do EVERYTHING. and the more you know/do, the less men find you interesting. and hence the more you have to do on your own. and the more pessimistic you are about your dating aspects. because somehow you became INTIMIDATING, or had HIGH STANDARDS, so they would say about me.

so i keep getting comments like you must have a lot of guys who hit on you/like you...and i keep having to deny it in a non-sincere way. its not even the fact that i am self-concious about my look. i am FINE with the way i looke. more than fine. i dont think i'm hot, and nobody should be allowed to say that about themselves really. but i dont get that much male attention at all. when i did, they'd stick around and act flirty, until they see my hot friends/sisters (who i'm completely fine with) and then they checked THEM out and tried to get my friends. i have not had one person prove me wrong. not one. i can list them in alphabetical orders too, these men. the most recent one, the cute french guy who i sat next to on the plane, who decided out of the blue that he would also friend-request my friend based on the fact that she looked cute. and we spent 5 hours talking on the plane before we exchanged fb information. I usualy dont do things like taht. bt he was a pleasant guy to talk to, and i didnt' get that creepy vibe from him at all. but after i realized he was trying to get to my hot friend, i blocked him.

guys do that, and they actually have the nerves to even tell me about it (how much they think my firend is cute..).

and so i am where i am today. even more pessimistic about men. even more withdrawn. because the ones i like are hard to come by, and when i do find one, they are usually married/have a gf, the ones who are single, and douchbags who are only interested me until the moment they see my better looking friend, and the ones who seemed to be interested, but never did a darn thing (he' jsut not that into you).

and i realy am fine with the way i am. I dont belong to the 2 categories of girls who men find attractive: innocent/naive looking, hot/revealing/slightly bitchy/flirts back. I am in my own catetogory. for the longest time, i thought i'd end up with someone who i will be very happy with, who would love me for me an my quirky response and my drive in life, the way i look. but i'm really not so sure anymore. i dont know how i got here. but i know this path has deviated from everyone else. and now it's jsut me, and my career.

and all i wanted was to find the person who i can be happily married to.

how i feel

about these people:

My team- throughout the 6 weeks rotation some got switched in and some got switched out. i had to collect my thoughts/feelings after a couple days before i can reach a decision about them. but here it is.

Dr. Mercer - the attending: yes, four WONDERFUL weeks with her. very complicated woman. likes to ignore me like i do not exist. however treats the pharmacists and her patients nice. cannot understand what is it about me that irritates her (although rumor says that it could be the fact that i'm a young female). no idea. but yeah, pretty much ignored my presence the whole time. thinks that she's one of the guys and made some pretty sexists comments and disrespectful comments about the patients alongside the frat boy doctors on my team. made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I can't say she's my favorite person in the world. but if she does her job well, then she's a good hospitalist with no doubt. i'll give her that.

Dr. Manibusan - the resident on the team who i first worked with. very friendly and personable. actually made me feel welcomed to the team when i first started. would ask me about my life and make me feel less insignificant on the team. even after he switched out he'd still stop and say hi and take time to talk to me. i thank God that i was lucky enough to run into him on my last day. I wanted to say thanks. so thanks.

Dr. Budd- the intern who switched out half way: a nice FEMALE doctor who was initially quiet but then very nice toward me in the end. seemed pretty shy but was actually very friendly. Just had a baby. actually told me that we were the only two females on the team that we needed to stick with each other so the maleness wont take over (lol). but then she moved onto her psych rotation and then it was just small ol' me on the team. with the frat boys.

Dr. Cox - the new intern: a nice doc. pretty hilarious at times. is open to my suggestions and is very appreciative. however does join in with the frat boy jokes at time. is married. he started being nice to me after i worked up the nerves and made some interventions. asked me about pharmacy stuff and joked around with me " no pharmacy huh? ;)" . one time when i saw him with his patient i was actually really moved to see him holding their hands. that sort of things always affect me a lot. a little gesture goes a long way.

Dr. Inocencio- the new resident: where to start, yeah the new resident who pisses me off constantly and is prolly the biggest, snobbiest ass in the world. talks like a frat boy with constant use of expletives in his language. lieks to prop his f*ing foot on any object to seem cool. constantly said f**k that or things that wish a difficult pt die soon. talked about bikes and fucking cars non stop and excluded me in EVERY conversation almost purposely. never made eye contacts with me unless absolutely have to. spoke to me in a condescending way. always had his back to me at all times. a sexist pig. yeah. i think that's pretty much all i can say about him. recently married. what woman in her right mind wants to marry THAT?! Well, actually i can't say that anymore. i think lots of women end up with men like that (this is why i'm single). the only reason why he's allowed to do this? cuz he's a smart SOB. and you know what? knowing people like that acutally makes me want to challenge myself to the max. i am gonna get THAT good. so i can kick some major asses like his.

Dr. Yuan - the attending: i had him for a week. prolly my favorite attending of the ones i had. very respectful of pharmacy suggestions and taught me a lot. i really appreciate his effort and his knowledge in nephrology.

Dr. Penguilinan - the attending: had him for a week as well. very non-serious when roudning. shot me down a couple tims when i tried to make intervention. so i definitely felt pretty useless then. cant't say i enjoyed working with him.

Bryan - the med student: coudlnt' get along with me initially. thought he was an awkward ass. but then started to figure him out. he's just a goofball. started hanging around him more because we were both students and both helped each other out. thought he was interested in my friend. enjoyed our conversation. appreciated that he always found things non-hospital related to talk to me about. was real sad when he left w/o saying goodbye.

Dr. Daggett - the intern who was there throughout the entire duration i was there: where to start? well, i first noticed him because he was nice enough to give me their pager numbers so i could find them in the morning. from beginning to end was always nice to me. although he also confused me the most too. i could never decide if he was being creepy/interested/nice. i could tell that he checked me out a lot, but then he could be doin that with other females too. (my general low opinion of men). he was not married, but i wasn't sure if he was seeing someone (neither did i want to put myself out there). would chat with me about my badge picture, my shoes, my pda cover and my clothes. (is this normal?) would encourage me when i was feelin the most down during my rotation and told me i was doing a good job (thanks). and told me things like " i bet a lot of guys were hit on you all the time" " you dont give yourself enough credit" " you would wear your little bikini" " i'll miss you when you're gone" " you must have a lot of guys kneel in front of you"--- this sort of borderline sexual harrassment comments that sent me in a fluster. he wasn't unattractive, so i wasn't disgusted with him. but i also noticed that a lot of nurses seemed to liek him. so i always kept my distance. because, nothing can come of out it. and he really probably only said that because he was a flirt, i dont know. i will miss, however, running into him in the morning. i wish things were different.

overall impression: just glad i dont have to be chasing after their tails during morning rounds anymore. never told me where they were meeting. never knew what time. never stayed in the same place. never actively included me as part of the team. probably never even noticed i was gone/didn't care. i gave it my all. and i tried my hardest to impress. and i'm spent.


i'm still feeling the sadness as i type this.

HI part 2: not a particularly good day

Today makes me feel very, very low. i kind of just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. During rounds, i was feeling like an invisible ghost again. I dont know what is it that has changed my feelings toward rounds. It's not that i ever had that high of expectations from it. But i'm pretty sure sometime last week the feeling os uselessness really sank in. I never have any input in anything. i can never join the discussion because the medicine team is trained very differently from what a pharmacist does. And the attending never asks for my help with anything drug-related. she kind of just ignores me the whole time and have her discussion with the medicine team. the other doctors who were nice to me before sort of stopped talking to me too because even when they joke they joke about patients or things in the hospital which i'm not familiar with and therefore can't relate. I just sort of stand there feelin left out. I could hear the scream so loud in my head wanting to get the hell out, but i couldn't. i'm sure in no time the entire team will be used to my nonexistence.

then of all the stress related diseases i've suffered since school started, there's a new one: TMJ. my temporal mandibular joint is hurting. it hurts when i chew, hurts when i sneeze, hurts when i open my mouth too wide. so i've been seeking help and so far to no avail. the only thing i know is, i've spent about 5 hrs of my time and $140 and one consult that recommends a $3800 treatment. and you know what? if that's what it's gonna cost, then i will live with it forever. it won't kill me, but it wont make me feel great either, but at least i can stop wasting my precious time on money/time wasters like these. on top of that, i cut my finger while i tried to make curry the other night, and i fell on my ass on pasta sauce in a japanese supermarket here. So yeah, things have been going very, very bad.

Then when i finally got home to talk to close friends online, i am faced with yet another ugly truth: no one cares if they've got wedding on their minds. So yea, my roommates who are all soon to be Mrs's cannot stop talking even for one second about their wedding details. forget about how MY DAY is, it's all about the bridesmaid dresses, the cake tasting, and the wedding favors. i realize that as soon as i fly back to LA i will be face-to-face with this problem. nevermind asking how i am in hawaii or how my rotation is, it's all about getting married, as this is a popular sport now with girls MY AGE. i'm sort of fucked as the single friend. and i'm not exactly living the high life either. I'm not hanging around bars talking with strangers and flirting with hotties. i'm not dressed scandalously and meeting all the single available gentlemen out there. i am working my asses off as the silent mute pharmacy student who tries to get ready before each round and look up the lab values and drug drug interactions that nobody cares to ask about, with a pain in the jaw.

yeah, i am pretty pissed today.

HI part 1 (Everything is great now...with the internet ON)

Yes...I made it here.

This is day #4 in HI, and so far, so good. It keeps getting better each day. :)

Day 1 was miserable. I had gotten off a 6 hr flight. I dragged my ten thousand lbs heavy suit case with me and got on the Alamo bus for the car rental. It was sort of a weird contrast between me (the lone person) and the happy bunch of travelers everywhere (the airport, the plane, at Alamo, on the streets). I picked a RED Chevy Cobalt that looks lovely, and I've always wanted a red car on an island. It just seems suiting. and i went on my way, driving in a foreign place with no real map in hand.

And may i just add, driving here is CRAZY. It's sort of a cross between LA and Taipei. The street signs are sometims no where to be seen, and even if there is one, they dont light up at night. The streets are windey and confusing (due to the geography here) and LOTS of one-way streets and special lane division to confuse the heck out of you. I can never make a left turn where i need to make one and no where to make a U-turn to get back on the street i needed to be on. So LOTS of getting lost, lots of dangerous driving. From day 1-2 i was constantly getting lost. couldn't even find my own apartment or my friend's hotel which is about 10 min away. the parking situation at my apt sucks. I practically have to park ON the curb. I had never been so frstrated. but over the 4 day period, i'm starting to make some progress. I'm recognizing most streets and freeways and getting used to the horrible parking, so that's a good sign.

And so far i think i've been pretty lucky. I was lucky to have found this apartment which is shared between a couple students from Univ of Hawaii. The rent is reasonable, and the girls are super nice. I actually chat with them a little everyday, and today we spent the whole day just running errands and getting food together. I was introduced to a great local hangout (Glazer coffee) and a cheap local eat (some ramen place) and where everything is located relative to our apt (K mart, grocery stores, japanese marketd, post office). I am just all around happy and feel fortunate.

On top of that, a friend from pharmacy school is here on a trip with her high school friends. We decided to meet up and we've been hanging out for the past 2 days. So far we've visited Diamond Head for a hike, the famous shrimp truck on the North Shore, the Dole Plantation, Koa pancake house, Laie lookout, the polynesian cultural center, and the waikiki shopping area. I have so much fun at these places because her friends have been extremely hospitable to me, and we joke around a lot. They didn't mind that i just sort of crashed their vacation. at the end of the day they even took me to Wal-Mart so i could get the necessities i need here *tears*. a short description for each of these places:

Diamond Head: pretty intense for a beginner. I was out of the breath most of the time. but a cool place to check out the volcano crater.

Shrimp truck: located SOMEWHERE on highway 83...so we drove around for the longest time. the place we ended up picking was actually run by a taiwanese owner! the shrimp plate was so good. i had the garlic, but i also enjoyed my friend's Lava shrimp and salt and pepper (my favorite).

Dole Plantation: been there before. but still fun (and the pineapple ice cream is still yummy).

Koa Pancake house: EXTREMELY close to my work place. has some cheap breakfast, although not as good as SD. but very regional and i very much like it.

Laie lookout: a hidden gem next to polynesian cultural center. picture will follow.

Polynesian Cultural Center: been there before. But still fun and i still enjoyed the pagent of the islands as well as the buffet. i liked EVERYTHING on the buffet table and the rainbow ice. the performance was super too. LOVED the fireknife competition.

And the fact that my internet got working today is just awesome. I'm liking it here more and more every day. let's hope it stays like that. ;)

Post 5K

YES! I made it to the finish line. This morning i woke up bright and early for the Revlon 5K which i registered for several months ago. the anticipation has been so much that last night i almost couldn't sleep (had to wake up at 6am to get ready to leave). But i finally did it! my first long-distance race every. i have to say that the process of getting there isn't easy. I first had to get over the mental block that I am pretty unfit (although normal weight, but unfit). Prior to this committment i almost never ran more than half an hour. and before i started training 5 weeks ago sat my ass on the couch every night watching tv or studying instead of getting in shape. However this morning it was a pain the butt to try to get to the course at USC. The traffic was horrible, and no one was exiting the free way. After i finally got off a different exit i still was stuck in lines trying to find parking and getting into a lot. By then i thought i was going to miss the start by being stuck in traffic. But luckily, we arrived at 816ish am. And we were able to pick up the t shirt and goody bag, put on the bib, and join the race.

I made it in 46 min which is kind of embarrassing, considering that's how fast people walk. I went online today (good thing not yesterday, or my spirit would be killed a lot) and found out that most people can do within half an hour or even under 20 min (is that even physically possible?). So i'm going to keep quiet about my time until i can improve. :) but not to make excuse or anything, i was stuck in people traffic for at least 10 min before i could actually run. They mixed all the walkers and runners together and people with their strollers. So the beginning i was literally stuck in people and not running because we were moving forward as a "chunck" of people. And i had to snake my way through before i can hit clearn air. That was just purely bad organization. no one knew what was going on.

When i finished at the Coliseum, i felt definitely very triumphant. I had committed myself to this race also for the reason that i had been bothered by lots of issues that shouldn't matter at all. I was sick of feeling unmotivated, down, pessimistic, and bitter. I wanted to challenge myself and make other purposes out of my life. It's so easy to get caught in the politics at school/work, the stress from school/work, the uncertainty surrounding my immediate future. But THAT ALL shouldnt' matter. I was ignoring my health in the mean time, slowly losing my sanity and became obsessive and a boring person. i wanted to find that lively spirit back (just as how i feel everytime i travel in europe/other parts of the world, i think, screw everything back home i'm staying here and start a new life). So i do feel somewhat liberated now. I'm going to continue this habit of working out at least 3 days a week and feel the best i can.

one small thing: I realized my shoe broke after the race. how funny is that:

getting ready for the 5K

Tonight was my last practice before the big 5K walk/run coming up this saturday. I feel that i'll have to do the full 5K, and not just the 2 miles i usually stop at. i wanted to see what my best time could be, knowing that on the real day it will always be slower (due to the slopes and all). and i wasn't too bad. I did 5K in a little bit under an hour, and i didn't feel like dying at all. mostly i just needed to sustain that power to run for 10-15 min non-stop. then take a walk, then run again. but it takes about 3 repetitions to finish the whole course. which makes me realize how long a way i have still toward a marathon, even a half marathon. But at this point i'm happy enough. I've gone from a complete couch potato who hasn't worked out in maybe a year to someone who can do 5K and still keep a straigh face afterward. and it's been like this too. the following day i can work, hike, whatever, with no debilitating soreness in my legs at all. Very happy with the results. am definitely reaching my second goal: swimsuit body for the summer. :D

Aside from that, nothing too eventful has happened today. I was reading for the boring law class and the notes went on forever. However, I did receive an email from the "maid of honor" from my ex roommate/bestfriend's wedding. she asked us to all join a group and share our favorite memories of the bride (my friend). I haven't submitted one because i haven't thought of one. I know i said that i've gotten over the bitterness but maybe there is still residual feelings. Because when i really think hard, there's so much in the past i can't even begin to list them all:

1. met while working together in school cafeterial. practically met the first week. people keep getting us mixed up.

2. walked to math everyday since we met. then we had physics together, japanese together...

3. lived together for 2 years, cooked together, ate together, went grocery shopping together, clubbed together, went go-karting together..

4. drove me home during freshmen year and introduced to me all the wonderful great rock bands she listened to

5. took me Moo's ice cream when my heart was broken

6. taught me to cook, to bake

7.....


while these people only could trace their memories back to 2007, i could go on forever. and yes, they have to mention about their faith in their message. i know that, that was the only thing that has drawn a line between me and my roommate/bestfriend possibly forever now.


and i listen to both my roommates about wedding planning. and their favors and videographers. i dont know if i should be glad that there's still much to do left in my life because i still have to work hard on my career in order to get somewhere, or if i should be sad that none of my concerns are really their concerns anymore. all my talks about work-related/school-related stress and anxiety about future seem so unimportant in the face of someone's happiest day in her life. i couldn't' bring myself to talk about my own issues.

about rotations...

so Monday was THE DAY when we found out the rest of the rotations. I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome, i got almost most of my choices, and almost in the order i wanted:

Summer 1: Hawaii
Sumemr 2: Norris cancer hospital - ambulatory care
Fall 1: Off
Fall 2: Baxter - Medical Affairs
Fall 3: Off (trying to switch to Community here, we'll see)
Spring 1: Norris Cancer Hospital - Oncology inpatient
Spring 2: community
Spring 3: Cedars-Sinai - Inpatient Psychiatry

These are all choices I ranked pretty high on my list. Although some of them are pretty challenging, but I'm fine with being challenged, i just dont want asshold preceptors who make your life miserable. so i'm climbing in my boots and hoping for the best.

However, the weird, random thing is that, since my friend decided to get married during summer 1 and therefore had to drop her Hawaii rotation with me (hence i'm on my own), several people have expressed extreme interest in the rotation. People who i'm not necessarily friends with, at best i call them acquaintances. But usually i'm surrounded by a lot of people who only talk to you when they need you (hence NOT my friends). So i was pretty annoyed at the prospect that i might actually have to do a rotation with them, possibly ruining my paradise of a time in Hawaii. Truth be told, I'd rather be with a bunch of people who i dont know and do my own things, than having to hang with someone who i dont particularly like. all of a sudden i'm being stopped in the hallway with smiley faces asking me about the rotation, or getting numerous calls on my phone inquiring about further details. i THANK GOD that i already got housing taken care of. or the prospect of having to live with people from my class who i'm not friends with will surely drive me crazy. you might ask, why this strong reaction? well, since i'm not really friends with them, i'd like my personal life/activities while in hawaii remain private and not known to the rest of the class when i come back. People in our class seem to have nothing better to do than gossip. i clearly remember only telling a handful of people about me doing the hawaii rotations and suddenly now i'm being stopped in the hallway by people i dotn know. they like to gossip to death. that's what you get for getting 170 females in the class and the rest of them feminine guys almost. all of the Hawaii contenders asked me about my housing arrangements, and when i told them that i had that taken care of, one of them even proceeded to ask me if i could share the car rental with her. Uh, we are NOT goin to live together. i dont see how that can be arranged when we have rotation at 6 in the morning. I do not want to wait to be picked up, and i certainly do not want to make a detour in the morning to go get someone. and i would be on house arrest while you have the car. So yes i will shed the extra cash for the sake of my convenience. please understand.

i want to not be anxious and have strength in everythign that i do. I want everything to work out. i really do. :/