HI part 2: not a particularly good day

Today makes me feel very, very low. i kind of just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. During rounds, i was feeling like an invisible ghost again. I dont know what is it that has changed my feelings toward rounds. It's not that i ever had that high of expectations from it. But i'm pretty sure sometime last week the feeling os uselessness really sank in. I never have any input in anything. i can never join the discussion because the medicine team is trained very differently from what a pharmacist does. And the attending never asks for my help with anything drug-related. she kind of just ignores me the whole time and have her discussion with the medicine team. the other doctors who were nice to me before sort of stopped talking to me too because even when they joke they joke about patients or things in the hospital which i'm not familiar with and therefore can't relate. I just sort of stand there feelin left out. I could hear the scream so loud in my head wanting to get the hell out, but i couldn't. i'm sure in no time the entire team will be used to my nonexistence.

then of all the stress related diseases i've suffered since school started, there's a new one: TMJ. my temporal mandibular joint is hurting. it hurts when i chew, hurts when i sneeze, hurts when i open my mouth too wide. so i've been seeking help and so far to no avail. the only thing i know is, i've spent about 5 hrs of my time and $140 and one consult that recommends a $3800 treatment. and you know what? if that's what it's gonna cost, then i will live with it forever. it won't kill me, but it wont make me feel great either, but at least i can stop wasting my precious time on money/time wasters like these. on top of that, i cut my finger while i tried to make curry the other night, and i fell on my ass on pasta sauce in a japanese supermarket here. So yeah, things have been going very, very bad.

Then when i finally got home to talk to close friends online, i am faced with yet another ugly truth: no one cares if they've got wedding on their minds. So yea, my roommates who are all soon to be Mrs's cannot stop talking even for one second about their wedding details. forget about how MY DAY is, it's all about the bridesmaid dresses, the cake tasting, and the wedding favors. i realize that as soon as i fly back to LA i will be face-to-face with this problem. nevermind asking how i am in hawaii or how my rotation is, it's all about getting married, as this is a popular sport now with girls MY AGE. i'm sort of fucked as the single friend. and i'm not exactly living the high life either. I'm not hanging around bars talking with strangers and flirting with hotties. i'm not dressed scandalously and meeting all the single available gentlemen out there. i am working my asses off as the silent mute pharmacy student who tries to get ready before each round and look up the lab values and drug drug interactions that nobody cares to ask about, with a pain in the jaw.

yeah, i am pretty pissed today.