how i feel

about these people:

My team- throughout the 6 weeks rotation some got switched in and some got switched out. i had to collect my thoughts/feelings after a couple days before i can reach a decision about them. but here it is.

Dr. Mercer - the attending: yes, four WONDERFUL weeks with her. very complicated woman. likes to ignore me like i do not exist. however treats the pharmacists and her patients nice. cannot understand what is it about me that irritates her (although rumor says that it could be the fact that i'm a young female). no idea. but yeah, pretty much ignored my presence the whole time. thinks that she's one of the guys and made some pretty sexists comments and disrespectful comments about the patients alongside the frat boy doctors on my team. made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I can't say she's my favorite person in the world. but if she does her job well, then she's a good hospitalist with no doubt. i'll give her that.

Dr. Manibusan - the resident on the team who i first worked with. very friendly and personable. actually made me feel welcomed to the team when i first started. would ask me about my life and make me feel less insignificant on the team. even after he switched out he'd still stop and say hi and take time to talk to me. i thank God that i was lucky enough to run into him on my last day. I wanted to say thanks. so thanks.

Dr. Budd- the intern who switched out half way: a nice FEMALE doctor who was initially quiet but then very nice toward me in the end. seemed pretty shy but was actually very friendly. Just had a baby. actually told me that we were the only two females on the team that we needed to stick with each other so the maleness wont take over (lol). but then she moved onto her psych rotation and then it was just small ol' me on the team. with the frat boys.

Dr. Cox - the new intern: a nice doc. pretty hilarious at times. is open to my suggestions and is very appreciative. however does join in with the frat boy jokes at time. is married. he started being nice to me after i worked up the nerves and made some interventions. asked me about pharmacy stuff and joked around with me " no pharmacy huh? ;)" . one time when i saw him with his patient i was actually really moved to see him holding their hands. that sort of things always affect me a lot. a little gesture goes a long way.

Dr. Inocencio- the new resident: where to start, yeah the new resident who pisses me off constantly and is prolly the biggest, snobbiest ass in the world. talks like a frat boy with constant use of expletives in his language. lieks to prop his f*ing foot on any object to seem cool. constantly said f**k that or things that wish a difficult pt die soon. talked about bikes and fucking cars non stop and excluded me in EVERY conversation almost purposely. never made eye contacts with me unless absolutely have to. spoke to me in a condescending way. always had his back to me at all times. a sexist pig. yeah. i think that's pretty much all i can say about him. recently married. what woman in her right mind wants to marry THAT?! Well, actually i can't say that anymore. i think lots of women end up with men like that (this is why i'm single). the only reason why he's allowed to do this? cuz he's a smart SOB. and you know what? knowing people like that acutally makes me want to challenge myself to the max. i am gonna get THAT good. so i can kick some major asses like his.

Dr. Yuan - the attending: i had him for a week. prolly my favorite attending of the ones i had. very respectful of pharmacy suggestions and taught me a lot. i really appreciate his effort and his knowledge in nephrology.

Dr. Penguilinan - the attending: had him for a week as well. very non-serious when roudning. shot me down a couple tims when i tried to make intervention. so i definitely felt pretty useless then. cant't say i enjoyed working with him.

Bryan - the med student: coudlnt' get along with me initially. thought he was an awkward ass. but then started to figure him out. he's just a goofball. started hanging around him more because we were both students and both helped each other out. thought he was interested in my friend. enjoyed our conversation. appreciated that he always found things non-hospital related to talk to me about. was real sad when he left w/o saying goodbye.

Dr. Daggett - the intern who was there throughout the entire duration i was there: where to start? well, i first noticed him because he was nice enough to give me their pager numbers so i could find them in the morning. from beginning to end was always nice to me. although he also confused me the most too. i could never decide if he was being creepy/interested/nice. i could tell that he checked me out a lot, but then he could be doin that with other females too. (my general low opinion of men). he was not married, but i wasn't sure if he was seeing someone (neither did i want to put myself out there). would chat with me about my badge picture, my shoes, my pda cover and my clothes. (is this normal?) would encourage me when i was feelin the most down during my rotation and told me i was doing a good job (thanks). and told me things like " i bet a lot of guys were hit on you all the time" " you dont give yourself enough credit" " you would wear your little bikini" " i'll miss you when you're gone" " you must have a lot of guys kneel in front of you"--- this sort of borderline sexual harrassment comments that sent me in a fluster. he wasn't unattractive, so i wasn't disgusted with him. but i also noticed that a lot of nurses seemed to liek him. so i always kept my distance. because, nothing can come of out it. and he really probably only said that because he was a flirt, i dont know. i will miss, however, running into him in the morning. i wish things were different.

overall impression: just glad i dont have to be chasing after their tails during morning rounds anymore. never told me where they were meeting. never knew what time. never stayed in the same place. never actively included me as part of the team. probably never even noticed i was gone/didn't care. i gave it my all. and i tried my hardest to impress. and i'm spent.


i'm still feeling the sadness as i type this.