not very good at it

a sudden feeling of incompetency.

yesterday I got a phone call from my parents about my grandma (the only grandparent i have left) had had a minor stroke. She is concious alright, but has lost sensations in the right side of her body, also she has difficulty speaking clearly. something to do with her cranial nerve, i suppose. it sort of put me in a depressed mood. i can't help but feel like my worse nightmare is coming true, slowly but persistently. I have always feared family death, ever since I started losing my first grandparent. I suppose that was the first sign of growing up, realizing that people DO and WILL die around you. And that you're getting older, and there's nothing you can do about it (the learned helplessness, as they would say in psychological terms). It makes me extremely fearful, not because of the death itself, but getting old. I'm only scared of death of family members or those who i care for, knowing that i'm HERE, and they are THERE. and there's nothing i can't do about it. I can't physically be there by dropping everything that's in my life right now...but seeing how they physically deteriorate is very heartbreaking. I can't do anything about it. I keep having the feeling that eventually one day everyone including my parents will leave, and then i'll be truely alone.
It's tempting to think that when someone you love dies, your whole life turns around, nothing is the same anymore and you'll forever mourn. But as I learned over the years you do go on with your life, that person just becomes a small part of your memory. You dont think about him/her too much on a daily basis. you're only REMINDED of them on certain occasions. So that makes me think that it would be the same for me, when i leave one day, the world goes around liek usual. people still get up in the morning and buy their 6am coffee and go to work, and i will be 'deceased' as if never existed. so what really is left of me?

Recently have been having the feeling that i'm not very good at my job, as a student, as a pharmacist, or a scientist (if i can call myself that at all). I am starting to learn more about this field and understand more about it. But i'm having difficulty retaining the memory i learned in class. I dont know if i'm not very good at it because i dont breathe this material, i dont live in it and most of the time dont take interest in it (although i AM improving). But i am not the best i can be.

and i think about it, i dont know if anyone can be with someone who is so angry and sad all the times. I hate to be made to do things, and i'm angry at people who are mean but they are all around. i'm self concious, and i have mood swings.