無題

又接到另外一張紅色炸彈
雖然非常替朋友高興
可是得自己出席兩場婚禮加上一場baby shower :(

不想再站在那接捧花跟回答自己是不是有另一半的問題....

p.s.剛才打電話給爸媽　
又被念了一頓只關心事業不重視婚姻(完全不是事實）
說我們太挑　還是眼睛不夠亮　手腳不夠快　
單身所受到的不諒解阿...:*(

a little update about the JOB situation (英)

Today I was cleaning out my room filled with piles of trash and I came across a bunch of stuff i used while i was busy looking for a fellowship: company brochures, scientific articles pertaining to a certain product they manufacture, associated recommendations relating to their product, LOTS of business cards, my resume binder...etc. For some reason i find this whole thing very oddly ironic. I dont mean it in the way that I am an extremely depressed **** because I have failed to locate a fellowship position. I think rather, it's the time i spent looking for a fellowship and still the results are like this.

I pretty much spent ALL of my Dec, January and february flying all over the country. It came so close to a breakdown point, but I felt that although tiring, i'd be rewarded with something at the end of all this. then it was the anticipation phase, where you come home after a trip to the east coast and expect to hear back and you dont --then the rejection over the phone/email. Then you pick yourself back up the following day and go to rotation.

I would say the whole cycle repeated around 6 times (i'm ONLY counting the ones i made it to an onsite interview. there were probably 9 more programs who i interviewed with in vegas). and in the end you felt numb. You aren't sure what went wrong there. Could i have a horrible CV compared to everyone else? Am I a bad interviewer that's why after so many face time i still come up behind? Is it because of my lack of industry experience? Is it because of my grades? Is it because I seemed tired during the interview due to the jet lag and wasn't as focused as i should have been? Is it because of the presentation I gave during the interview? Is it because I should have seemed super hyper and excited about the opportunity and I failed to show that? Is it because in my head I still have doubts about moving far, far away from home so my performance shows that? Is it because I am simply unfit to do pharmacy/fellowship and that other candidates are just more qualified?

I will never know.

All i know is that, when i got rejected by BMS AGAIN 3 weeks ago I felt nothing. Then yesterday I had to attend the mandatory graduation meeting and I had to embarrassingly repeat 3 times to different people how my future plan still remains unknown. Even my last hope (baxter) seem oddly out of reach now because while walking past a line of people getting their photos taken i overheard a conversation between two classmates about the girl getting the baxter position. And i thought they were still conducting 1st interviews! So someone already got it? and i'm left in the dark? I couldn't believe my boss could have done this to me. Because we had such a good relationship i almost didn't really have an actual interview there. They just chatted with me because they told me they already knew how i operate and how i work. and they loved my performance while i was there. I got pretty concerned after 2 weeks in taiwan and no response. I proceeded to send another email to her just to confirm that i did not miss a phone call. And then nothing. i sent another email to my other coworker to check, and still nothing. It's like my emails dropped out of the face of the earth.

So my fellowship search is officially coming to an end. and THAT is why I was super depressed while putting away the suitcase I used to travel domestically and the associated stuff. well, THAT and what i talked about in the previous post. and my super pessimism even in the presence of my taiwanese friends who came within 2 meters of me.

I can't help but feel like a little failure. mostly because i had really wanted a fellowship position because it's a sure fire entry to industry. And the fact the i also applied for residency positions and decided to withdraw from the match because i didn't like the program i interviewed with. then the other ones were filled quickly/decided not to respond to me due to the high volume of applicants (they said so in the email). so i officially have no 'back-up's now.

And I suppose that is why i felt little joy concerning the fact that I am graduating in 7 weeks. I could start emailing all of the companies like mad, just going down a list i pulled from the internet, or ----- go to my ultimate plan B. Which is happening a lot sooner than i thought.

Plan B: do Rx staffing work here and there until end of the year. Then go back to Taiwan to job hunt. Will probably stick with big pharmas. and study for GMAT at the same time. try to make new friends while i am there. if i work a couple years, and i still feel the urge to go business and do an mba and let it be so. if not, i'll just continue working. Plus, I would be able to meet more people I would potentially be willing to 'end up' with. instead of just growing older here in my scholarly world, meeting guys who i dont see a real potential with due to race/personality. year after year i feel that my frigid self in LA will end up a spinster. but that's for another post.

Ok. i should stop here.

Closure

蔡健雅-達爾文

作曲：蔡健雅
填詞：小寒

我的青春　也不是沒傷痕
是明白愛是信仰的延伸
什麼特徵　人緣還是眼神
也不會預知愛不愛的可能
保持單身　忍不住又沉淪
兜著圈子來去有時苦等
人的一生　感情是旋轉門
轉到了最後真心的就不分
有過競爭　有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真　學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆　得要我們
進化成更好的人

我的青春　有時還蠻單純
相信幸福取決於愛得深
讀進化論　我贊成達爾文
沒實力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身　已換過多少輪
記憶在舊情人心中變冷
我的一生　有幾道旋轉門
轉到了最後只剩你我沒分
有過競爭　有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真　學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆　得要我們
進化成更好的人
***************************************************************

紀念
作詞：姚謙　作曲：Tanya Chua　演唱：蔡健雅

想念變成一條線　在時間裡面漫延　長得可以把世界切成了兩個面
他在春天那一邊　妳的秋天剛落葉　剛落葉
如果從此不見面　讓你憑記憶想念　本來這段愛情可以記得很完美
他的樣子已改變　有新伴侶的氣味　的氣味
那一瞬間　妳終於發現　那曾深愛過的人　嗯
早在告別的　那天　已消失在這個世界

也許那一次見面　是生命給妳機會　了解愛只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望會改變　他的愛已經不見　已不見
那一瞬間　妳終於發現　那曾深愛過的人　嗯
早在告別的　那天　已消失在這個世界
那一瞬間　妳終於發現　心中的愛和思念
都只是屬於　自己　曾經擁有過　曾經擁有過　曾經擁有過　的紀念

****************************************************************

我離開的時候很小　那個年代email還不盛行
我離開了很多好的朋友　家人　和我的青梅竹馬
當時接到很多朋友的來信　包括他的
再見還來不及說　就結束了
之後　因為時間和空間的關係　我雖難過　但決定一個人
之後　是很長的不諒解
幾乎再也沒有見過面　網上的交談也少得可憐
變成兩個陌生人
之後我們各自有自己的生活

十年之後　這次終於有機會攤開來聊了
我談了有關於我之前的交往　和工作
從我們的互動　我可以感覺到　以往的感覺已經不再
應該是說　what was once there isn't there anymore

我回到家　覺得難過　因為之前我們倆的好強和不信任感　把我們帶到這一天
我對他的記憶　一直停留在他女人緣很好　所以我們不停的折磨彼此
一直和個自的異性朋友打鬧
直到兩方都對彼此充滿猜忌和不信任
看過電影　Love me if you Dare 敢愛就來　嗎？
有一點像那樣
那麼喜歡彼此　卻從不說出口

在網上遇見他　告訴他我當初拒絕不是當好玩的
那是一個沒有skype, facebook, msn　的時代
我真的是有喜歡過　可是我做了當時我認為是對的決定
他之後的不聞不問　讓我很難過也很惆悵
我們現在　對彼此一無所知

回到這邊的家後　挖出當時的信來看
一封封好友寄來的信和傳真　都是不捨和加油打氣
我離開的事物　好多好多
讀到他當初的字句　想到今天　覺得一切都改變了
也許以後再也不會相見
也許以後我會後悔在十年後才一次把我的想法告訴他

是我們太好強嗎?還是太驕傲?
應該是沒有緣當情人吧

cloud hanging over my head

Over the past couple of days I met up with my friends from back home as well as my 'date'. Both have gone pretty well. I really missed seeing my friends and now that everybody is working and is doing well it's very rare that we still keep in touch and still have such close relationship with each other. We ended up going to one of the really inexpensive pasta place in town and spent 5 hours there until closing time.

My date with my my mom's friend's son went okay. there was no real spark, but i didn't hate him either. Overall i got the feeling that he's just a little boy. Although we are the same age but he's just started getting his Ph.D. after his Masters. Although I think because he's getting his Ph.D. at a different school so he has to start from year 1 (which means he still has 3 years ahead of him), plus the one year of military service. In general i did get the vibe that his only interest is staying in and playing video games. He is getting his Ph.D. in electric engineering at NTU so he's definiiltey a smart guy. But socially he seems very shy. We just chatted and walked around the shopping areas of taipei. I have met lots of braniacs so we have lots to talk about relating to scholarly stuff. But generally i'm postive we only got the 'friend' vibe from each other so it ended well.

Last update, still haven't heard a word from the last two companies I interviewed with. Nada. One of them I'm pretty sure that the offer should have gone out last friday (i was told so), unless they were seriously snowed in or had no time to discuss their candidates at all, i'm not very optimistic about it. and the other one, where i did my rotation, still haven't heard back from my boss regarding 2nd interview. At this rate i'm trying to let myself down easy. having done a rotation there really doesn't mean much in today's job market. In fact, i'm not sure if anything means anything any more in today's job market. When it comes down to you vs. 8 people in the end. if you're not the last person standing you're not in the picture at all.

It saddens me a little that while I am really happy to be in the company of my close friends and family who hold me together during this time, I am not feeling that I will ultimately get into the field that i want. I dont know if i'm looking at more years of community or hospital pharmacy ahead of me or what. And the fact I am getting older doesn't help either. because i see all my friends in relationships it makes me feel handicapped to not be in one. another voice in my head tells me that if i am returning to taiwan in the end and i dont want to marry an old fart i should just come back now, using unemployment as a terrific excuse.

I also have somewhat realized (again) at how competitive/ambitious I am. I spoke to somenoe in my class who got into Astra Zeneca in Taiwan just recently, working in the clinical trial developement, and i had to say i was feeling a little jealous. back then (and always) he was my intellectual equivalent, and we happened to get into similar fields in college as well. To hear that he transitioned smoothly into one of the big companies and in a division i also like made me feel horrible. to top it off,he's not a bad looking guy either, and he happens to be single. my dad was all suggesting that I get with him (of course as a joke), and I think I was more concerned with the fact that I'm gettin rejected by my dream jobs and that this guy has something i want. Plus, he was dating some really cutsie girl with baby voice and a tiny frame in the past, THIS would never work out between me and him. It also reminded me of seeing these guys in suits once at the airport when i was traveling back from the interview. They were real cute guys and almost everyone was giving them a double take. I was the only other girl in the cabin in a full suit, and yet I was feeling sort of sad/jealous as well probably because these cute guys were already traveling for work, and yet i was TRYING to get a job that will allow me to be in their shoes. I'm really going mad i'm sure. this work thing is getting in the way of my appreciating guys who are good looking and successful. i really hope it's not step one of heading down spinster-ville.

ugh! about to head out to have some boba and shopping and cannot block this out of my head.

OK, no nore depressive thoughts. we shall find out about it all.

errr

today's my second day to be home in tpe.and I'm waiting up super early prolly due to the jetlag. It's actually not so bad since I get to see the sunrise in tpe through the window.

Just found out last night that my mom was serious about setting me up with the son of her friend. and the worst part is that she's made it this coming weekend, and both the son and HIS MOM and my mom and I are going to be there. I never am a big fan of set-up dinners/lunches, not to mention having it with each other's parents. Because she had agreed to the deal so i can't back out. But really the idea is making me nauseas a little bit. Since my poor sister has been back ( a week before me), i think she's set her up two two really old men who probably have absolutely nothing in common with my sister. And of course these old farts (and i mean forty somethings) were slobbering all over my sister because what are the chances that they would ever talk to someone pretty in her 20s again. So of course they showed high interest and my sister is kinda not feeling it with these men who are closer in age to our dad than to us. And when i tried to defend my sister's choice my mom gets angry about us being picky (not true). it's just a sad fact that when you're quickly approaching your 30s your parents sometimes go through this crazy phase of trying to marry you off, regardless of how disgusting the other party is as long as you're not an old maid anymore. What they dont' realize is, there's really not that many single available likeable guys out there. and my mom keeps saying that when we come back in a few years no guys will want to be set-up with a 30 something anymore. well, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. i think it bothers her more than it bothers me. If someone's so shallow and ageist that he refuses to date people closer to his own age, it probably means that he isn't comfortable with himself anyway. either that he is a pedophile, or he doesn't have enough confidence to date someone who matches his experience and education. And I'm fine with that fact, as long as he isn't going out with me. Men who are like that will always be able to find petite naive cuties to go out with. I hate to sound like a jaded old woman but i really dont need that to complicate my life.

I am realizing that my 'pie' is getting smaller and smaller and at this rate it might be REAL hard to find someone who i actually like. and as much as i hate the idea i'm willing to just go hang out with someone one-on-one without the presence of his parent. I'm sure the other person wonders the same about me to: a 26 year old something with no prospect of a boyfriend who is so desperate that she needs to be set up by her mom. But i think if both parents are there it wil make the situation worse. Just cuz my mom really planned to have lunch with us, and then leave us to some coffeeshop to continue a 4-hour conversation (what happened to my poor sister last time). well, for one, i DO NOT with to spend more than 2 hrs with someone i meet for the first time, and i DO NOT carry 4-hour conversations with people, period. unless i really like them and have known them for a while. It's really hard to keep the conversation that entertaining. can't we just make it short and sweet and if we do want to hang out then we'll hang out again? the idea is sooooo repulsive to me....

My somewhat dellussional mom tends to think that me and my sister put work above everything else and that we are socially inept to actually tie down any real lads. As opposed to my little sister who gets any guy of her choice and tends to go out with anyone who looks half decent. Well, for one, i put my career first because i'm at that point (graduation) that i really need to start thinking seriously about a job and not a future husband who may or may not happen, and secondly, i kinda worked really hard for my degree, so i'd hate to see all that go to waste, and lastly, it's not like i have someone who i love and who i reject because of work. I really just havne't met anyone who i'd like to go out with, so the solid, tangibl things to work on are my interviews. i'd feel a lot better after i've landed a job. and to say the least i do not lack social skills. i probably have more than all of that combined from my mom and my aunties who have lectured me over the years about being single. Well, back in the day you can have the social skill of a bean and still land a husband. i have to hold real hard jobs and go to company functions longer than any of you have during your single years (since i have been single longer), so do not lecture me about being socially closed off. some people just aren't lucky in love. and maybe i just dont feel like going clubbing all the time like some people i know and just hook up with people until we get sick of each other. However i really feel that that's what will make me look 'marketable' these days even in the eyes of my parent's generation.

I've realized that, from the last couple times i hung out with girls who tend to be popular that, they do flirty little things to string guys along. they brush up against their arms, sort of half lying on his shoulder when something is outrageously funny, and wear tight-ass clothes. I dont have a problem with people doing that. I know that's what guys would love to see but it has nothing to do with me. I like that i dont do any of that stuff. i dont like sending out mixed messages of touch guys who i'm not interested in, i dont wear revealing clothes in the winter because if butt-freezing cold out and i'd like to stay H1N1-free. i like the way i am and the way i look and the lack of marketability i have because that's what makes me unique and not like any of the trampy girls out there who put facebook pictures with their ta-tas out. but apparently even my own mom doesn't agree with me.


ok, you can tell that i'm in a somewhat upset mood....;) sorry!

Still anxious. but what the heck. :P

I finally decided that I would go home home to TW tomorrow. And thank god they squeezed out one last ticket for tomorrow so I am able to leave. I decided that I want to catch the end of Chinese new year. Because it's just getting too sad and stressful here with all the crazy anxious thoughts in my head. It's actually pretty unhealthy for me to be thinking it over and over while not having anything solid to work on. At least when i had rotation I could destract myself temporarily by doing what i was supposed to be doing but now that I am off, i sort of spend every waking moment panicking.

A quick update:
My interview at BMS actually went really well (I think). Well, I was really tired because i woke up at 630am (330am LA time) so my brain was in a blur. But i managed to pull myself together. I could just feel that it was taking me longer to answer questions. well, not as long as as 5 seconds but longer. Whereas before I could follow with a perfectly orchestrated answer, this time i actually "thought" before I answered. But overall I think they were pleased with my performance. I was also very impressed with the proactive role of the department. They actually give the fellow a lot of responsibility and allow you to work with departments to get as much experience as possible. And although the job title isn't glamorous, the new director is actually very ambitious about taking it to the next level and making things more 'strategic". which i like very much. Also the products i will be working on would be in the cardiovascular/diabetes sector, so that's definitely a great place to start out. and they provide you with opportunities to go to conferences and to shadow their medical science liaisons and to talk to the healthcare providers. These are definitely opportunities that are hard to come by. Definitely will be hard to say no if it does happen. We will see about that.

The only thing I have to get over is the distance.

however i must say whether it happens or not, i really do enjoy the star treatment of being flown out and lodging/pick up service provided. It will be a long long time until i will get this kinda treatment. i dont find it hard at all, the traveling. in fact i enjoy it a lot. being at diff airports, talking to diff people, staying at different hotels on my own and enjoying the room delivery, having someone hold a sign with my name on it when i get off the plane. i think that was partly why i was somewhat distraught when i was rejected by the other two companies last time for very vain reasons such as these.

Lastly, a very pleasant surprise. After my 24-hr whirwind visit to NJ, i realized my flight back to LA would land at 5pm, a TERRIBLE time for LA traffic. since i parked my car at the airport parking lot, i decided to spend a little more time on the westside until the traffic dies down. So I gave my cousin a call. And she happened to be free so i dropped by her apt. then i played with the baby for a good half and hour before i went to japanese with my cousin. then due to the lateness/rain of the night my cousin actually offered to have me stay over. I gladly obliged...more time with the baby. ;) SO CUTE! Definitely a good way to end my travel-filled panic-filled week....can i PLEASE have a permanent baby in the house who doesn't grow up who I can come home to each day?

interview today

Today is my interview day with the company I did a rotation with. It went smoothly, for the most part. i was really glad to see some familiar faces. And in general I feel pretty good about this interview. Of course, at this point of the game, I learned not to have too high of expectation of anything. Just because i did a rotation there doesn't mean much. Of course it gives me an advantage, but from what my boss told me today, NINE other people from my class also applied, not including students from other schools. So yes, this year is BAD.

For the most part, my old boss and the other guy on my team made it very easy for me. We didn't even really go over interview questions. I gave them an update about my life thusfar, and they were really supportive of me and answered every question i had. I could tell that from my 6 weeks there they really liked my performance, but ultimately the decision isn't in their hands. When i come back for the second interview I will be giving a presentation like with other companies, to the top 2 directors of the division. I am fine with giving presentations. But the fact that I haven't received any offers for the other positions I applied for definitely makes me doubt my own ability. I used to think i do a decent job, but if i really was that good, how could i have not gotten any offers? It must mean that someone out there does a even hotter job (see? self doubt already).

I could feel myself getting my nervous with each interview. Supposedly I should have more practice now and should be better at it. But because this is pretty late into the game, there's more at stake now. It's more like Baxter vs. Bristol Myers Squibb vs. unemployment. and looking at the economy right now with each time i interview it is very likely i will end up with unemployment for a while. so the urgency actually made me a 'worse' interviewee now since I have begun to feel more nervous. Even this morning when I woke up i felt jittery. And this is with people I already know!

My next predicament is that, with my next interview at BMS, I will likely find out about the result next week. whether good or bad, I will find out before the 2nd round of baxter interview even happens. that forces me to make a decision right away. Of course, if they didn't choose me, that makes the equation so much easier. but if they did, it's liek i practically will have to turn everyone down in order to wait in vain for baxter's decision. And remember, i'm going against 9+ people (at least).

My concern with BMS is that, it is with a division i want to work with less. and it's far. and it's not in a metropolitan area. so it's basically the thousand oaks of nyc if i have to come up with an analogy. anyway, still lots of questions to be answered. But I suppose we will find out.


In any case, I should really just wait until I get an offer from BMS before I start to stress. I tend to get ahead of myself a lot. At this point I really want to just be done with my interviews so i can go home to tw.