stress is a debilitating disease....

So i have been extremely stressed for the past couple...let's say 5 months. but it only got worse after my industry rotation. Because it's crunch time now. I am now applying for both fellowship (industry) and residency (hospital) positions and i will now need 6 different recommenders to write me a letter. As if this isn't stressful enough, I am also writing different letters of intents for each program as well as my OWN recommendation letters because some of my recommenders prefer that I come up with the rough draft they can work off of. The scary thing is, i'm actually a terrible writer. And I dont proofread particularly well. And almost all the programs have due dates around january 8th. So with the holidays coming and everybody's crazy schedule, that doesn't look too good to me. I will actually have to finish writing all the above mentioned items, and get them out in envelopes to my recommenders in time for them to write the final draft AND send them out before the due date. hence the stress.

It may be really foolish of me to try to apply to so many. and i have a phone interview on thursday morning and 8 personal interview scheduled on Dec 5 and 6th. But I was hearing how slim the chances are with fellowship programs, that you can interview with all of them, and still get nothing. Same goes with the really highly sought after residency programs. you can still end up with nothing after the match result comes out.

As i mentioned in previous posts, i like BOTH. so i dont want to have to choose. THEY can choose for me. if they want me, fine, more happy worries to worry about. And if they dont, one fewer option for me to consider, not exactly a bad thing. I think i can see myself in both situations. I can be in a hospital and do clinical work, or I can be working in a drug company and learn new things that dont require as much pharmacy knowledge. I can be happy doing either of them, or be miserable. There's of course always that chance that I will run into egoistical docs/pharmacists and feel like an inch tall in the hospital. Or I can feel that I am stuck with boring literature review at the drug company. but you can't have a win-win situation.

I am actually so stressed that i had to skip out a dinner thing with my fraternity. I really wanted to go, but with the pressure of having to come up with one letter of intent/rec letter every night i really can't afford to lose those 2 hours. did i mention i still have rotation on top of all this extra stuff i have to do for my future?

the scary thing is, about 50% of the programs will be away from home, and i mean far, far away not even in a city but more like a town. As i grow older i'm actually becoming more worried about leaving home. I am not scared in the sense that I wont make friends. I think more in teh sense that if i meet someone i like, it's a problem because i want to come home here (CA) or taiwan (possibly) eventually. and if i dont meet anyone, that is pretty darn sad as well. and moving out to a foreign place by yourself when it's not for school is pretty darn scary. i wont even have classmates to hang out with and my co workers are most likely married with kids. and i will be shopping out in the cold for groceries and spending thanksgiving by myself, with part of my family on the west coast, the other part of my family all the way on the other side of pacific ocean.

well, no point to think that far.

the good thing is, at least i dont think about/whine about my singleness as much as i used to. i dont even have time for sleep.