Letting go....

Today as i was bending backwards to clean up the house and my crap that's been lying around the house for 10 years, i came across a box of "stuff" i had saved since college. It's full of memories, letters, notes, bday cards, presents, pictures i had accumulated over the years. my roommate at the time who i seldomly keep in touch with now, wrote me these cards that were so cute and funny at the same time. We eventually grew apart for some reason, but I was remember how big a loser I was at the time and she still was such a great friend to me. I still clearly remember that I was always feeling miserable and kinda lonely, and i never quite got over my breakup, but looking at these cards/note/letters/pictures now reminds me of how fortunate I was to have these people around. Aside from that roommate, most these people are still as close to me as ever. Especially my friends from Taiwan, they probably see my transformation the most. From that dork i used to be (probably still am) to the person I am today. It's hard to make yourself live in the moment and appreciate what you have until all things have passed.

There was another bag i probably haven't opened for years, and even i was caught off guard by these memorabilia from when i was going out with hunter. There were these letters he sent to me, emails i printed out, emails from MYSELF that i printed out about reasons why i thought he was a sweetie to me, and cards from our anniversary and important holidays, and these last pictures of him which i still own unknowingly.

I read everything, and threw everything away. It didn't occur to me that I should at least keep something to remind myself of my past relationships when i'm old. I used to think that i should start a box for every relationship I've had. Because good or bad, i've had some fun times with these people. Well, it turns out, that at the age of 25, that was the ONLY relationship i've had. I have to say that since these are actually hard copies of his picture, once thrown away are lost forever. But I just couldn't find any legitimate reasons to keep them anymore.

I guess i just feel that, it seems sad and ironic at the same time, reading these 'words of love', when there is no love left at all. I hate to use the word now to describe our relationship because i firmly believe that two people in love don't just break up one day because they stop liking each other. At best I can only say that we LIKED each other a lot. But to read words from him that showered me with all kinds of compliments and longing is just so ironic and sad. the relationship is so over. it's been over for 7 years now.

in all honestly i dont think i've quite forgiven him, and neither do i have to. i used to think that it would take me a couple more years to be able to read these things without breaking down or feeling extremely depressed, or that next time I run into him i better be with a really hot guy so that i can show him off. But i've gotten past all that apparently. I have no feelings toward him or the relationship whatsoever, and i think i am fine the way i am, even if he appears to be doing better without me. HOnestly i really dont think i care anymore, about him or how he might think. he just wasn't 'the one'.

And can I just say that I am so glad i didn't end up with him? :)