Social Anxiety again

Oh god, not again.

i know this may sound ridiculous and sad, but yes tomorrow i am sort of forced to go to some guy's bday party and the social anxiety is kicking in already, right now some of the symptoms i have are: cold hands/feet, jitterness, lightheadedness, feeling of nausea and vomiting, panic attack, extreme mood swings.....

I hate to feel this way but it seems like there's really no solution to this problem but simply NOT GO. so the story began as the guy who i met million years ago at this party (the guy who was infatuated with naked filipino arboriginal girls) texted me out of the blue on thanksgiving. I ignored him, just because, i didn't feel like maintaining this friendship before it went even further. And i didn't think he was worthy of my 10 cents of text message charge. Then this past friday, I received another text from him asking if i'd be interested in going to this party on monday. i texted back and asked who it was for and what it was about, and then NOTHING. So i finally heard from my other friend that this dude's friend's having a bday party. So MY FRIEND asked me to come along and because she's very cool and all i decided to accompany her, knowing very well i may run into that dude.

And the thing is, it's not that guy who gives me the social anxiety, somehow after the official start of the holidays i've lost all my balls and drive to hunt myself down a decent boy for the holidays. Somehow i've begun to feel very tired of this whole social adventure that eventually leads to nowhere. I'm sick of the conversation which i may or may not have that does not promote any learning or intellectual excitement. It'll be anther talk with some guy who wishes to find some girl to go home with, or having some guy trying to grab me when he's in a complete buzzed state. But knowing sitting home won't be any better, and will most likely perpetuate the downward cycle i've decided against my wishes and go out. I am just really really tired to having to doll up , just to put myself out there for someone who may never exist. Yes one can argue that i should just look at it as making friends, no hard feelings attached. but as anyone who knows me and knows me well would know, most people irritate me, most GUYS. because if they are young and fun enough they tend to objectify women, and being so uptight and serious i think i rather enjoy a evening in bed watching BJ's Diaries or P&P then letting my skin hang out in extreme cold weathers.

Oh god, if i can cut to the year when i meet THE ONE i'd love to be there right now.


now my friends really are all paired up, i'm feeling pretty bummed right now. :(