personality test

My Result:

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)





Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

Today

Today is one of those days when I feel like hospital might be my true calling. Over hte past three weeks, I change my mind literally every day. There are bad days when you feel that, as soon as an industry spot opens, i'm diving right into it. But there are good days, when I feel that even if i'm offered a fellowship position I will probably turn it down just so i can serve the general public for a few years before I pursue a more ambitious future for myself.

So what constitues a good day? A good day is when you feel like you made a difference because you cared. And I've never really felt this before with my previous pharmacy jobs. That's why as much as i hate the busy work with my current rotation, I still enjoy the experience a lot. I am learning a lot from my preceptor who really cares about his patients. And deep down I actually like helping people, i like to trouble shoot, and i enjoy educating them about information I learn from school. I am constantly amazed by how much personal information they disclose to me. I am almost flattered in a sense. And because I think they can feel that i really listened, they tell me more, which helps me further analyze the problem and their medication list/medical conditions.

So today I have a lady who is diagnosed with breast cancer. She was put on a anti-estrogen medication before and she was getting all sorts of horrible side effects from it, which is to be expected with a lot of chemo drugs. and then she started telling me more because I asked her what she's been on and what side effects she suffered from. and her new prescription is actually from the same class as the one she used before. So lawfully I have to warn her about the same side effects. And while she was telling me all this, she had tears well up in her eyes. And that made me feel really terrible because I do get affected by things such as this. not in a bad way like I wish i never have to deal with human emotions. But rather it makes me feel that I need to be there for these people. it reminded me of another incident last week. A gentleman was in the pharmacy, asking if I knew if it'd be okay to take his 2 meds together, both are used to treat his incontinence after prostectomy. He was describing to me his distress, and I could totally understand. Losing all capacity to hold back your urine. How can anyone afford this if they are middle-aged and still have a job. You'd be ridiculed forever. So i had to talk to him about Depend, preparing extra underwears...etc. Things such as these, when you hear their personal accounts, you feel a sense of responsibility to help. to improve their lives.

I suppose that is why I never feel self-concious about what I have physically. I can never understand why normal people complain about this and that which they have that are perfectly functional. When you see/hear all the human suffering everyday, you almost cannot put yourself in that position of having self-pity. When my preceptor talked to me about this elderly patient who developed penumonia then a heart attack and stroke and died from it, I immediately thought of my dad. I think about how much I am not around him and how he does have hypercholesteralemia, high blood pressure, and he is on blood-thinner. I almost feel that deteriorating health is an inevitable route for every old person to take. And because I see them, I see how when people get really old, and hospitalized in the hospital, they can aspirate (choke) on even liquid diet, and then the next thing you know, they pass over the weekend. And you are not responsible for following that patient anymore. you just throw their medication list away. or you dont see them anymore because they are moved to ICU, after which they most likely will pass away.

I guess what I am saying is. When you see these patients and are working with them, you deal with all ranges of human emotions. Before I even started pharmacy school i thought i would hate to have to deal with that. But now I almost feel obligated to face it. and by walking away to a nice comfy cubicle or office with a view, i am guaranteed to never have to see one of these people ever again. But somehow I've changed. This is why it's been hard for me to make decisions.

So today is the day i feel like I can be a clinical pharmacist.

Game on!

Tomorrow is my first officia interview of the series of interview I will be on for the next 4 months. i'm gonna get a phone interview from the eastcoast so i gotta wake up early before work and do it. totally nerve-racking.

It's interesting, as i prepared myself for it, going over Baxter material and trying to remember everything i've done so far and why I wanted industry in the first place, a part of me secretly doesn't want to get this position. does that mean i'm leaning more toward hospital?

I think a part of me definitely want to do a year of residency, THEN go into industry. and i'm scheduling so many interviews with various drug companies to sort of work against my favor. I am not sure why I am doing this. maybe it is out of fear taht if i dont get my feet wet in industry now, i'll end up in the hospital and become a staff pharmacist, which is extremely boring, because then you dont 'rotate', you have your assigned satellite and on weekends and holidays you have to come in to do stuff like checking orders, and not so much the 'clinical' stuff, like making interventions.) The thing is, it is only useful and somewhat rewarding to be a clinical pharmacist if your opinion actually counts. but residency is also a job safety net. if i do one now, i can pretty much work anywhere in any hospital in the future. whereas if i go into industry, with an economy this bad, there is no job security, and i can't relocate anywhere I please. There is always THAT risk.

I know i know, i've been obsessing over it for the past 3 months now and you guys are probably sick of reading it. i guess what i'm trying to say is, life is scary, having to make a decision on your own is scary. moving far far away by yourself with no friends and family really sucks. being such a worry bug i am, i'll probably be upset either way.

stress is a debilitating disease....

So i have been extremely stressed for the past couple...let's say 5 months. but it only got worse after my industry rotation. Because it's crunch time now. I am now applying for both fellowship (industry) and residency (hospital) positions and i will now need 6 different recommenders to write me a letter. As if this isn't stressful enough, I am also writing different letters of intents for each program as well as my OWN recommendation letters because some of my recommenders prefer that I come up with the rough draft they can work off of. The scary thing is, i'm actually a terrible writer. And I dont proofread particularly well. And almost all the programs have due dates around january 8th. So with the holidays coming and everybody's crazy schedule, that doesn't look too good to me. I will actually have to finish writing all the above mentioned items, and get them out in envelopes to my recommenders in time for them to write the final draft AND send them out before the due date. hence the stress.

It may be really foolish of me to try to apply to so many. and i have a phone interview on thursday morning and 8 personal interview scheduled on Dec 5 and 6th. But I was hearing how slim the chances are with fellowship programs, that you can interview with all of them, and still get nothing. Same goes with the really highly sought after residency programs. you can still end up with nothing after the match result comes out.

As i mentioned in previous posts, i like BOTH. so i dont want to have to choose. THEY can choose for me. if they want me, fine, more happy worries to worry about. And if they dont, one fewer option for me to consider, not exactly a bad thing. I think i can see myself in both situations. I can be in a hospital and do clinical work, or I can be working in a drug company and learn new things that dont require as much pharmacy knowledge. I can be happy doing either of them, or be miserable. There's of course always that chance that I will run into egoistical docs/pharmacists and feel like an inch tall in the hospital. Or I can feel that I am stuck with boring literature review at the drug company. but you can't have a win-win situation.

I am actually so stressed that i had to skip out a dinner thing with my fraternity. I really wanted to go, but with the pressure of having to come up with one letter of intent/rec letter every night i really can't afford to lose those 2 hours. did i mention i still have rotation on top of all this extra stuff i have to do for my future?

the scary thing is, about 50% of the programs will be away from home, and i mean far, far away not even in a city but more like a town. As i grow older i'm actually becoming more worried about leaving home. I am not scared in the sense that I wont make friends. I think more in teh sense that if i meet someone i like, it's a problem because i want to come home here (CA) or taiwan (possibly) eventually. and if i dont meet anyone, that is pretty darn sad as well. and moving out to a foreign place by yourself when it's not for school is pretty darn scary. i wont even have classmates to hang out with and my co workers are most likely married with kids. and i will be shopping out in the cold for groceries and spending thanksgiving by myself, with part of my family on the west coast, the other part of my family all the way on the other side of pacific ocean.

well, no point to think that far.

the good thing is, at least i dont think about/whine about my singleness as much as i used to. i dont even have time for sleep.

this is why i'm a dork....

So, like i said...i just started my uninspiring rotation at Costco. Everything's just like before..busy busy busy. So my goal remains the same: getting through the day without passing out, and finishing all the menu items from their foodcourt.

The only highlight of my uneventful day? getting a message from my old doc. no, not on my phone. I was helping a customer who came straight from our school clnic and couldn't find his prescription here. So I called our pharmacy voicemail and realized that his doc called in and left a msg. And when i checked it for him, long and behold, it was the doc who i found really cute 2 years (?) ago. the same doc who treated my leg when i had that huge bug bite....if you need a reminder. Anyway, it was about time for me to get off my shift but for some reason it made me really happy to hear his voice, well, in a sad/pathetic way. I met him when he was only a resident at our school hospital, and now he's actually become full time physician at the student clinic. so i'm sure he gets crazy female students from Pharmacy, medicine, nursing, and physical therapy hit on him all the time. Like my sister said, " he probably has 3 women sharing his bed at any given moment." Well said.

Anyway. on top of that, from my friend's facebook pictures i found out that he was actually giving out H1N1 vaccines to students this past monday. I was on campus and i was totally aware of the H1N1 vaccine ordeal, but the line grew so long by the time i got there i just gave up. I heard the vaccines were running out. Lesson: Should have stook in line anyway. HE was there to give out shots.

Ok, i need to find some other people to have a crush on, not HIM, or doc who has a gf and still tries to flirt with me, or guy with french accent who tries to also hit on my friend, or married men.

MIA..

Sorry about the recent Missing in Action...I have just packed up and moved back to LA, and immediately my next rotation starts. half of my stuff is still sitting in the trunk and I am already feeling the bite of community pharmacy.

I showed up to my first day on the job today, and it immediately feels like a world of difference from my previous rotation. By about 11am I was ready to leave for good. So it officially became this painful mental game for me to last until 6pm. It was my nightmare all over again: the phone ringing off the hook, the pharmacists and technicians running around, prescriptions flying around, lots of drugs needed to be pulled and restock, irate customers, lots of insurance problems, computer softward that is the least technologically advanced, somewhat snobby technicians..etc. i was reminded all over again why i hated community in the first place. I was ready to blow out my brain by around 11am. In a way i further solidified my belief that community is not going to be in the picture for me when I graduate, and at the same time I was remembering why I was always feeling so sad and angry during my days in pharmacy school. How can anyone honestly get excited over getting a job like this?

the only consolation prize, is that it is inside a Costco. so at least i could have chicken bake and mocha freeze for lunch, and there's still lots more to choose from tomorrow. My goal is to go through all the menu choices by the time I leave. and I'm anticipating spending less than $5 everyday on lunch. What a huge difference from my previous rotation where I am surrounded by expensive restaurants...

I still have to finish working on 2 letters of intent and figuring out who to ask for rec letter and what programs i want to apply for. Therefore i'm pretty stressed on top of the physical soreness in my legs. let's hope i survive this week. :) then it's bridal shower time. :P

Goodbye cubicle!

Yes...today I finally concluded my first-ever journey in a pharmaceutical company. i can't say that I was exactly thrilled or not thrilled, but it's over. there are definitely things i will miss about it here:

- duckies in the pond surrounding the building
- close proximity to restaurants and Barns & Nobel (within walking distance)
- sitting down (as compared to standing for 9 hrs)
- not having to talk to people every minuite of my life
- doing work that does not require brain power

And of course, there are things I definitely will not miss:
- The Promenade. pretty much the only shopping plaza i've visited for the past 6 weeks
- thousand oaks. a whole lotta nothing here
- my cubicle. yes, i get to sit in it for 9 hrs a day and i dont get to see 90% of the people on the same floor because of the dividers
- the size of the company. the size of my team.
- the asinine projects i get that require zero pharmacy knowledge
- all the married/unavailable/old guys/gals
- all the business/sports talk
- the lack of happy hour and sociability or people around my age
- the guy who i met only once
- the product line we manage
- the marketing people with their big talks and their use of numbers
- the work talk even during lunch out. just leave it in your office, people.

So, if you asked me, what i think about this rotation. i can't really tell you that it's made me feel that industry is MY THING. Which is weirdly ironic. I wanted it all along. And this has been the ONLY rotation where i got the most validating reviews from. I pretty much impressed my boss so much without even realizing it. And my 110% effort was actually rewarded. I feel like I actually have a good chance to land a position here next year. But why am i hesitating?

I am sure i will most likely make a chart about the pros and cons about hospital vs. industry. for now i have 4 interviews set up, all of them pretty competitive, and if i did get them, i'd have to move far, far away. and start a new life, prolly under a fake name. But anyway, i am obsessing over this too much. i will give it a rest tonight.

Goodbye cubicle!

vacay ideas?

So this winter break, i have only 2 weeks off. I have a rotation right before and right after. And I'd like to be un-jetlagged when my spring rotation starts. so i've decided against going back to tw during this short break (although i'm EXTREMELY homesick). It would be a waste of money if i did go back. A thousand bucks for 2 wks only. not really worth it. plus, i'm not working anymore, so definitely no extra money to spend around.

So if i was gonna be in town, i need to think of something to do to pass time. I still want a mini vacay, just not internationally. so i think a cruise would be a good idea. Except, on the west coast, all the cruises suck. they only take you to mexico but you spend 2/3 of your time on the sea, and you can only go as far as Cabo San Lucas. And it does NOT look like it is a good idea to be in Mexico this year, esp. with the H1N1 going rampant over there. Ugh i hate that the flu takes away one of the few pleasures a Californian can have within a short distance.

I COULD go to San Fran, I suppose. but i've been there many times. And plus, without being with your family it's not all that fun to just be there when the rest of the town is celebrating Xmas. I might get even more homesick (hence the Mexican Cruise idea, lots of eating and sleeping to pass time).

DESPERATELY need to come up with a plan....

a long-awaited GOOD DAY!!

haha as promised...i am updating about a good day! :) a REALLY good one too. i dont think i've felt this elated in a VERY long time....

So over the weekend, just to prove the psychic wrong, i did go to a house party with my sister and her friend. it turned out to be a really fun time. NO, no one i'd want to date from the party, but it was good to just hang out with people without all the pressure on your mind. i should really stop stressing myself out. it turned out I wasn't really doing it to prove the psychic wrong. I actually had fun. And i dressed up as a witch with a little headband with a witch hat on it. Because i didn't want to pay $50 for a cheaply made costume. pictures will follow..soon. on my picasa. I'm still in the process of getting them from friends.

So 3 REALLY GOOD THINGS happened today:

1) I have 3 interview booked for december! 3 interviews from various drug companies for a fellowship position. I am attending a conference in December and it's been stressing me out because I will be there only for 3 days. i couldn't miss that many days of work and i have a friend's wedding i must attend. So i really dont have that many time to interview, and i will have to fly in late. But as one colleague suggested that I could use this online service to start contacting potential companies, and that's what i did over the weekend. And i now definitely have 3 interviews set up. :D

2) met this other young guy on my floor. I know, it's nothing to cheer about. But this guy has been passing by my cube for weeks and we never spoke. i noticed him because he was one of the younger persons/unmarried, and he always looked into my cubicle when he was on his way to the copy machine room. So today while i was in there we finally chatted. And he had this accent (not sure where that's from). i could feel that i was nervous, but then again, because i'm a dork, and i haven't dated in a longgg time, so i think anything mildly attractive can turn me into a giddy girl. we'll see about that. but i even told him that too. this is my last week here at this company, so.....oh well.

3) my talk with boss. My super assertive, super human boss actually gave me a semi-evaluation today. I was showing her the projects she told me to work on. and honestly i was still anaylyzing these paper yesterday until 12 am on my OWN TIME on my own computer. and she really liked my work. this is the first time she's directly told me how much she's liked my work. and she flat out told me that i have a nitch for industry. and she would hate to see it go wasted had i gone into clinical (hospital) pharmacy. that was like the highest form of flattery i've ever experienced thus far in my life. i was never sure if i seemed stupid in front of her because she's quite hard to read. and because she's so good at her job and so assertive, i feel very incompetent most of the time. and i could never be sure if she liked my work or if i was just like any other student she's had before. To hear that she thinks i'm professional, i deliver, and i should really consider industry because i'm good at my job, i was beyond ecstatic. She even noticed that during all our meetings i never seemed bored. i was trying to get the most out of every experience, even if that means sitting in a meeting for 2 days without speaking a word. i was mentally there the whole time, just processing the information in my head, and i can't believe she noticed that. She even went so far to tell me taht i have a good chance with the fellowship next year. that is going to make me feel good for a very long time. because it's confirmed that i do have what it takes to work in industry, as i so often doubted myself before.

it's true that what goes down must come up at some point. this is the most validating thing i've heard lately. I've often felt that my boss is like the future me, but more assertive, and married with two kids. we have the same sense of humor and i am scared of her professionally but not personally. I dont know if she feels that way. But if i can be like that, it's not a bad thing at all. :)

Anyway. let's hope the goodness continues!