an interesting night and some thoughts

yesterday, was truely very special.

In general, i don't like clubbing (this has already been established). I don't like to dress up feeling like i have to impress someone tonight. I don't have the need to be 'hot'. I just need to be pleasant to look at for myself. So i only go clubbing once in a blue moon, and usually i stick with girlfriends because there have been unpleasant experiences with grabby guys. And the thing is, i dont ever get drunk, so i don't really know what it feels like to 'loosen up', and i dont know if i really want to, frankly, if there are nasty guys around. But recently I've been doing it more. I think within the past 6 mon i've gone more than i have my entire college years.

So why have I been doing it more? well, first of all , they can be fun with girlfriends, just blowing off steam and having a good time. and secondly, peer pressure. But recently a third factor has been added. I have recognized that if i EVER want to end up with someone, i have to get out more. So occasionally i push myself to go. just to check out the scene, feel the water, so i'm not forever out of touch with the rest of the dating world. (although i already am).

Yesterday was the "Roofless Party" thrown by the School of Medicine here at SC. but they also invited other schools like pharm, law, business, dental, and such. So it was a pretty big thing...and i decided to push myself one last time this semester..and went with a couple gf's who were also curious to check it out. They were super nice and fun girls, so i had no problem going with them. We met up at one of their apts, had a couple glasses of champagn and left for the party, when it started raining.

We got to the party okay, it really was a huge event, it was hard just to walk pass people and get drinks. I really thought i spent most of the time waiting to get drinks, and standing in line for the bathroom. The place is called Republic, has a really nice decor, good drinks, and good services. we saw some friends in there and had fun chatting and just hanging out. However since im usually not that outgoing with strangers esp guys, i didn't start talking to random guys and frankly, i think the guys should do the job (i'm old fashioned). So one of my gf's is already light-headed after 1/5 of a drink, and she kept on a drinking. before we knew it, we were dancing and she went off with some guy. i was trying to dance with the other girl when this guy out of no where tried to dance with me from behind...REPULSIVE! that's why i dont enjoy dancing. and i hate it when people grab my waist because i tend of have more meat there and it's just pretty offensive in general. but my gfs all started dancing with other people and i didnt' want to be such a bore, so i was dancing with that guy for a little bit. (even writing this i'm kinda sick to my stomach). he was pulling me really close and i really didn't want to look at his face because it's AWKWARD. finally i had to becuse he started facing me. he's not horrible looking but i just wasn't attracted (or to sleazy guy in the club in that matter). we started talking and he said he was here with a friend who goes to b-school (SO NOT EVEN A MED STUDENT I WAS DANCING WITH! UGH) he was nice about it when i admitted i wasn't good at dancing and he started twirling me like ball room dancing. it was funny and kinda nice. in the end i was finally able to make up excuse and leave...but that was 3 or 4 songs later (just felt like a lifetime).

in the meantime, i kept mouthing for my gf to come help me, pull me away, so i wouldn't have to put up with this unpleasantness. and then the unfortunate thing was that people who i was acquaintances with spotted me and though i was all freaking with this guy...even people from my class! GOSH! i must be sending off the wrong msgs....:( i was told later by my friends that someone from our class was around us the whole time and staring at us!!! (great). at one point when i turned around my friend was already making out with this other guy...and i was trying to turn AWAY from the dude i was dancing with so he could only get my hair but ewwww ...my hair. :( .....i'm still sad typing this.

finally we left the bar..it was pouring outside. and we were having trouble finding our car...aside from being drenched in the rain...and shoes wet from the stream running down the street, when some bum grabbed my butt!!! i turned around and he started running away...me and my friend freaked out and started the opposite direction. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!! why are all the freaks coming at me all the time! i was really really mad for the rest of the evening because of that. and when we finally found our cars, there were these 3 guys, one of them mix japanese and white, stopping us and asking us our ethnicities, but we just left.

so in conclusion, i'm pretty frustrated with the whole situation. I keep telling myself that i need to just have faith. but faith itself isnt' enough. i wanted to physically break out of my shell and meet people. And during the night it was one bad thing after another. it was still fun with the girls...but anyhthing dealing with guy +club just turned into disaster. i dont know how i can keep having faith when i'm so frustrated everytime i came home. i dont actually crave going out. the only opposite sex i want to dance with at a club is my BF and not some strange dude who doesn't respect women. and now my reputation.... *sigh*.

he won't just fall into my lap.