你的情人像睡美人(睡美男)一般沉沉睡去，只有你深情的一吻，才能喚醒他，那麼你會親吻他哪裡呢？
你們之間的感情，維繫在「愛情本身」
不是經濟，不是依賴，不是習慣，不是未來，就是單純的愛情：你愛她，她也愛你
;)
2010年4月14日 星期三
2010年4月8日 星期四
a HUGE change
since it is already 1020pm here, and i really need some sleep because i had a long and yet unproductive day at the rotation, i will keep this one short. HOWEVER, i will be announcing the big news, very soon. ;) ( No i'm not getting married to some old folk like the psychic predicted 6 months ago, it's better than that). and telling the story will definitely make a lot of jaws drop. the only hint is: It's about work.
the change happened all so soon even 'I" cannot believe it. i mean. i must have done some pretty good things lately. It is so bizarre that things can drastically change within 48 hours. I was definitely depressed about my situation, and i can't say that I have been optimistic about what happens next year. but now....
The other thing I have to mention before I make the big announcement tomorrow is that, because I had been so hopeless about the immediate future, i actually started considering my plan B, which is to just move back to taiwan (and i meant it). For some reason the one month i spent in taiwan actually made me realize how much i miss it, and how much my oldest friends mean to me. There will be lots of friends who come and go in your life, but i feel that my childhood friends love me no matter what. and it's been 12 years since i left. I went through old pictures of myself being the SUPER ugly duckling back then, and the funny thing is, the friends who appeared with me in the pictures are the same friends who i still see today. they knew i was depressed about the job situation, they want/hope that one day i will be back for good, and yet they supported the decision i make and wish me the best of luck. they take me out to places and drive me around and show me the best eateries in town, without asking for anything in return. I dont know where I would be if it weren't these close friends and my family and my friends here in the US. I would be a miserable emotional f**k for sure.
Another reason is that, although it would be hard to say goodbye to my friends in the US, i have also come to a point where i have to make decisions. I am VERY close to a few people here, but there are also lots of people who come and go, especially teh friends you make when you grow up. due to relocation/graduation/job layoff, you can only remain close for so long (thanks facebook). So on some level i feel that if i were to ever move back to the US after returning to taiwan, i can always have a new start regardless of my temporary leave for taiwan.
But i suppose the above analysis although still holds true, will no longer apply in the immediate year that is to come. I still intend to return to taiwan at some point, to be close to my parents, to be living the convenient lifestyle, to meet someone and hopefully get married one day. But that will have to wait. At least for another year. ;)
to be continued....
And this is why, i feel extremely fortunate, for reasons i will explain tomorrow.
the change happened all so soon even 'I" cannot believe it. i mean. i must have done some pretty good things lately. It is so bizarre that things can drastically change within 48 hours. I was definitely depressed about my situation, and i can't say that I have been optimistic about what happens next year. but now....
The other thing I have to mention before I make the big announcement tomorrow is that, because I had been so hopeless about the immediate future, i actually started considering my plan B, which is to just move back to taiwan (and i meant it). For some reason the one month i spent in taiwan actually made me realize how much i miss it, and how much my oldest friends mean to me. There will be lots of friends who come and go in your life, but i feel that my childhood friends love me no matter what. and it's been 12 years since i left. I went through old pictures of myself being the SUPER ugly duckling back then, and the funny thing is, the friends who appeared with me in the pictures are the same friends who i still see today. they knew i was depressed about the job situation, they want/hope that one day i will be back for good, and yet they supported the decision i make and wish me the best of luck. they take me out to places and drive me around and show me the best eateries in town, without asking for anything in return. I dont know where I would be if it weren't these close friends and my family and my friends here in the US. I would be a miserable emotional f**k for sure.
Another reason is that, although it would be hard to say goodbye to my friends in the US, i have also come to a point where i have to make decisions. I am VERY close to a few people here, but there are also lots of people who come and go, especially teh friends you make when you grow up. due to relocation/graduation/job layoff, you can only remain close for so long (thanks facebook). So on some level i feel that if i were to ever move back to the US after returning to taiwan, i can always have a new start regardless of my temporary leave for taiwan.
But i suppose the above analysis although still holds true, will no longer apply in the immediate year that is to come. I still intend to return to taiwan at some point, to be close to my parents, to be living the convenient lifestyle, to meet someone and hopefully get married one day. But that will have to wait. At least for another year. ;)
to be continued....
And this is why, i feel extremely fortunate, for reasons i will explain tomorrow.
2010年4月4日 星期日
終於又有機會寫部落格了
中文版的我得慢慢打 大家就看好玩吧;)...
過去的這個禮拜時再是過得不太好
發現我最後一絲絲希望的那個實習機會沒有中
加上又開始在精神科的住院部實習
壓力大的要命
漸漸的 又開始沒辦法打給父母報平安
因為心理不平安
我每次都這樣
不過雖然如此
我對於感情這方面
卻漸漸的能釋懷了
禮拜五在對病人的教育講堂中
我的教授說了 這一段話:
有時候 並不是藥物讓你覺得低潮
你只是忘了正常是甚麼
沒有人知道正常應該是怎樣
但是你若是太久處在亢奮的狀態
就會忘了怎麼樣是正常的情緒
你不能夠期望每件事情 都像初戀一般大起大落
生命本身就是一件無聊的事情
長大本來就很無聊
你只是需要用自己的方法去學習面對
我聽到的時候 愣了一下
彷彿是對我說的話
我一直沒有辦法接受很多生命的不公平
常常被難過的情緒所左右
我很害怕
害怕老 害怕死 害怕一個人就這樣永遠的單身下去
害怕我所擁有的一切 和我所期望的生活 永遠得不到
世界上沒有甚麼是比絕望更恐怖的事了
我期望愛
但是卻一直望著自己得不到的愛
而不是身邊已經得到的愛
親人的愛
在美國的朋友的愛
在台灣的朋友的愛
我有這麼多關心我的人
何其幸運
為什麼我一直還這麼害怕
怕做出錯的決定
我想是怕失去吧
我不想花我人生中
最珍貴的時間
擔心和難過
我想要放下一切
重新開始
我想要快樂
這是我需要重新學習的課題
過去的這個禮拜時再是過得不太好
發現我最後一絲絲希望的那個實習機會沒有中
加上又開始在精神科的住院部實習
壓力大的要命
漸漸的 又開始沒辦法打給父母報平安
因為心理不平安
我每次都這樣
不過雖然如此
我對於感情這方面
卻漸漸的能釋懷了
禮拜五在對病人的教育講堂中
我的教授說了 這一段話:
有時候 並不是藥物讓你覺得低潮
你只是忘了正常是甚麼
沒有人知道正常應該是怎樣
但是你若是太久處在亢奮的狀態
就會忘了怎麼樣是正常的情緒
你不能夠期望每件事情 都像初戀一般大起大落
生命本身就是一件無聊的事情
長大本來就很無聊
你只是需要用自己的方法去學習面對
我聽到的時候 愣了一下
彷彿是對我說的話
我一直沒有辦法接受很多生命的不公平
常常被難過的情緒所左右
我很害怕
害怕老 害怕死 害怕一個人就這樣永遠的單身下去
害怕我所擁有的一切 和我所期望的生活 永遠得不到
世界上沒有甚麼是比絕望更恐怖的事了
我期望愛
但是卻一直望著自己得不到的愛
而不是身邊已經得到的愛
親人的愛
在美國的朋友的愛
在台灣的朋友的愛
我有這麼多關心我的人
何其幸運
為什麼我一直還這麼害怕
怕做出錯的決定
我想是怕失去吧
我不想花我人生中
最珍貴的時間
擔心和難過
我想要放下一切
重新開始
我想要快樂
這是我需要重新學習的課題
2010年3月27日 星期六
a little update about the JOB situation (英)
Today I was cleaning out my room filled with piles of trash and I came across a bunch of stuff i used while i was busy looking for a fellowship: company brochures, scientific articles pertaining to a certain product they manufacture, associated recommendations relating to their product, LOTS of business cards, my resume binder...etc. For some reason i find this whole thing very oddly ironic. I dont mean it in the way that I am an extremely depressed **** because I have failed to locate a fellowship position. I think rather, it's the time i spent looking for a fellowship and still the results are like this.
I pretty much spent ALL of my Dec, January and february flying all over the country. It came so close to a breakdown point, but I felt that although tiring, i'd be rewarded with something at the end of all this. then it was the anticipation phase, where you come home after a trip to the east coast and expect to hear back and you dont --then the rejection over the phone/email. Then you pick yourself back up the following day and go to rotation.
I would say the whole cycle repeated around 6 times (i'm ONLY counting the ones i made it to an onsite interview. there were probably 9 more programs who i interviewed with in vegas). and in the end you felt numb. You aren't sure what went wrong there. Could i have a horrible CV compared to everyone else? Am I a bad interviewer that's why after so many face time i still come up behind? Is it because of my lack of industry experience? Is it because of my grades? Is it because I seemed tired during the interview due to the jet lag and wasn't as focused as i should have been? Is it because of the presentation I gave during the interview? Is it because I should have seemed super hyper and excited about the opportunity and I failed to show that? Is it because in my head I still have doubts about moving far, far away from home so my performance shows that? Is it because I am simply unfit to do pharmacy/fellowship and that other candidates are just more qualified?
I will never know.
All i know is that, when i got rejected by BMS AGAIN 3 weeks ago I felt nothing. Then yesterday I had to attend the mandatory graduation meeting and I had to embarrassingly repeat 3 times to different people how my future plan still remains unknown. Even my last hope (baxter) seem oddly out of reach now because while walking past a line of people getting their photos taken i overheard a conversation between two classmates about the girl getting the baxter position. And i thought they were still conducting 1st interviews! So someone already got it? and i'm left in the dark? I couldn't believe my boss could have done this to me. Because we had such a good relationship i almost didn't really have an actual interview there. They just chatted with me because they told me they already knew how i operate and how i work. and they loved my performance while i was there. I got pretty concerned after 2 weeks in taiwan and no response. I proceeded to send another email to her just to confirm that i did not miss a phone call. And then nothing. i sent another email to my other coworker to check, and still nothing. It's like my emails dropped out of the face of the earth.
So my fellowship search is officially coming to an end. and THAT is why I was super depressed while putting away the suitcase I used to travel domestically and the associated stuff. well, THAT and what i talked about in the previous post. and my super pessimism even in the presence of my taiwanese friends who came within 2 meters of me.
I can't help but feel like a little failure. mostly because i had really wanted a fellowship position because it's a sure fire entry to industry. And the fact the i also applied for residency positions and decided to withdraw from the match because i didn't like the program i interviewed with. then the other ones were filled quickly/decided not to respond to me due to the high volume of applicants (they said so in the email). so i officially have no 'back-up's now.
And I suppose that is why i felt little joy concerning the fact that I am graduating in 7 weeks. I could start emailing all of the companies like mad, just going down a list i pulled from the internet, or ----- go to my ultimate plan B. Which is happening a lot sooner than i thought.
Plan B: do Rx staffing work here and there until end of the year. Then go back to Taiwan to job hunt. Will probably stick with big pharmas. and study for GMAT at the same time. try to make new friends while i am there. if i work a couple years, and i still feel the urge to go business and do an mba and let it be so. if not, i'll just continue working. Plus, I would be able to meet more people I would potentially be willing to 'end up' with. instead of just growing older here in my scholarly world, meeting guys who i dont see a real potential with due to race/personality. year after year i feel that my frigid self in LA will end up a spinster. but that's for another post.
Ok. i should stop here.
I pretty much spent ALL of my Dec, January and february flying all over the country. It came so close to a breakdown point, but I felt that although tiring, i'd be rewarded with something at the end of all this. then it was the anticipation phase, where you come home after a trip to the east coast and expect to hear back and you dont --then the rejection over the phone/email. Then you pick yourself back up the following day and go to rotation.
I would say the whole cycle repeated around 6 times (i'm ONLY counting the ones i made it to an onsite interview. there were probably 9 more programs who i interviewed with in vegas). and in the end you felt numb. You aren't sure what went wrong there. Could i have a horrible CV compared to everyone else? Am I a bad interviewer that's why after so many face time i still come up behind? Is it because of my lack of industry experience? Is it because of my grades? Is it because I seemed tired during the interview due to the jet lag and wasn't as focused as i should have been? Is it because of the presentation I gave during the interview? Is it because I should have seemed super hyper and excited about the opportunity and I failed to show that? Is it because in my head I still have doubts about moving far, far away from home so my performance shows that? Is it because I am simply unfit to do pharmacy/fellowship and that other candidates are just more qualified?
I will never know.
All i know is that, when i got rejected by BMS AGAIN 3 weeks ago I felt nothing. Then yesterday I had to attend the mandatory graduation meeting and I had to embarrassingly repeat 3 times to different people how my future plan still remains unknown. Even my last hope (baxter) seem oddly out of reach now because while walking past a line of people getting their photos taken i overheard a conversation between two classmates about the girl getting the baxter position. And i thought they were still conducting 1st interviews! So someone already got it? and i'm left in the dark? I couldn't believe my boss could have done this to me. Because we had such a good relationship i almost didn't really have an actual interview there. They just chatted with me because they told me they already knew how i operate and how i work. and they loved my performance while i was there. I got pretty concerned after 2 weeks in taiwan and no response. I proceeded to send another email to her just to confirm that i did not miss a phone call. And then nothing. i sent another email to my other coworker to check, and still nothing. It's like my emails dropped out of the face of the earth.
So my fellowship search is officially coming to an end. and THAT is why I was super depressed while putting away the suitcase I used to travel domestically and the associated stuff. well, THAT and what i talked about in the previous post. and my super pessimism even in the presence of my taiwanese friends who came within 2 meters of me.
I can't help but feel like a little failure. mostly because i had really wanted a fellowship position because it's a sure fire entry to industry. And the fact the i also applied for residency positions and decided to withdraw from the match because i didn't like the program i interviewed with. then the other ones were filled quickly/decided not to respond to me due to the high volume of applicants (they said so in the email). so i officially have no 'back-up's now.
And I suppose that is why i felt little joy concerning the fact that I am graduating in 7 weeks. I could start emailing all of the companies like mad, just going down a list i pulled from the internet, or ----- go to my ultimate plan B. Which is happening a lot sooner than i thought.
Plan B: do Rx staffing work here and there until end of the year. Then go back to Taiwan to job hunt. Will probably stick with big pharmas. and study for GMAT at the same time. try to make new friends while i am there. if i work a couple years, and i still feel the urge to go business and do an mba and let it be so. if not, i'll just continue working. Plus, I would be able to meet more people I would potentially be willing to 'end up' with. instead of just growing older here in my scholarly world, meeting guys who i dont see a real potential with due to race/personality. year after year i feel that my frigid self in LA will end up a spinster. but that's for another post.
Ok. i should stop here.
2010年3月25日 星期四
Closure
蔡健雅-達爾文
作曲：蔡健雅
填詞：小寒
我的青春 也不是沒傷痕
是明白愛是信仰的延伸
什麼特徵 人緣還是眼神
也不會預知愛不愛的可能
保持單身 忍不住又沉淪
兜著圈子來去有時苦等
人的一生 感情是旋轉門
轉到了最後真心的就不分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
我的青春 有時還蠻單純
相信幸福取決於愛得深
讀進化論 我贊成達爾文
沒實力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身 已換過多少輪
記憶在舊情人心中變冷
我的一生 有幾道旋轉門
轉到了最後只剩你我沒分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
***************************************************************
紀念
作詞：姚謙 作曲：Tanya Chua 演唱：蔡健雅
想念變成一條線 在時間裡面漫延 長得可以把世界切成了兩個面
他在春天那一邊 妳的秋天剛落葉 剛落葉
如果從此不見面 讓你憑記憶想念 本來這段愛情可以記得很完美
他的樣子已改變 有新伴侶的氣味 的氣味
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
也許那一次見面 是生命給妳機會 了解愛只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望會改變 他的愛已經不見 已不見
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 心中的愛和思念
都只是屬於 自己 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 的紀念
****************************************************************
我離開的時候很小 那個年代email還不盛行
我離開了很多好的朋友 家人 和我的青梅竹馬
當時接到很多朋友的來信 包括他的
再見還來不及說 就結束了
之後 因為時間和空間的關係 我雖難過 但決定一個人
之後 是很長的不諒解
幾乎再也沒有見過面 網上的交談也少得可憐
變成兩個陌生人
之後我們各自有自己的生活
十年之後 這次終於有機會攤開來聊了
我談了有關於我之前的交往 和工作
從我們的互動 我可以感覺到 以往的感覺已經不再
應該是說 what was once there isn't there anymore
我回到家 覺得難過 因為之前我們倆的好強和不信任感 把我們帶到這一天
我對他的記憶 一直停留在他女人緣很好 所以我們不停的折磨彼此
一直和個自的異性朋友打鬧
直到兩方都對彼此充滿猜忌和不信任
看過電影 Love me if you Dare 敢愛就來 嗎？
有一點像那樣
那麼喜歡彼此 卻從不說出口
在網上遇見他 告訴他我當初拒絕不是當好玩的
那是一個沒有skype, facebook, msn 的時代
我真的是有喜歡過 可是我做了當時我認為是對的決定
他之後的不聞不問 讓我很難過也很惆悵
我們現在 對彼此一無所知
回到這邊的家後 挖出當時的信來看
一封封好友寄來的信和傳真 都是不捨和加油打氣
我離開的事物 好多好多
讀到他當初的字句 想到今天 覺得一切都改變了
也許以後再也不會相見
也許以後我會後悔在十年後才一次把我的想法告訴他
是我們太好強嗎?還是太驕傲?
應該是沒有緣當情人吧
作曲：蔡健雅
填詞：小寒
我的青春 也不是沒傷痕
是明白愛是信仰的延伸
什麼特徵 人緣還是眼神
也不會預知愛不愛的可能
保持單身 忍不住又沉淪
兜著圈子來去有時苦等
人的一生 感情是旋轉門
轉到了最後真心的就不分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
我的青春 有時還蠻單純
相信幸福取決於愛得深
讀進化論 我贊成達爾文
沒實力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身 已換過多少輪
記憶在舊情人心中變冷
我的一生 有幾道旋轉門
轉到了最後只剩你我沒分
有過競爭 有過犧牲
被愛篩選過程
學會認真 學會忠誠
適者才能生存
懂得永恆 得要我們
進化成更好的人
***************************************************************
紀念
作詞：姚謙 作曲：Tanya Chua 演唱：蔡健雅
想念變成一條線 在時間裡面漫延 長得可以把世界切成了兩個面
他在春天那一邊 妳的秋天剛落葉 剛落葉
如果從此不見面 讓你憑記憶想念 本來這段愛情可以記得很完美
他的樣子已改變 有新伴侶的氣味 的氣味
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
也許那一次見面 是生命給妳機會 了解愛只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望會改變 他的愛已經不見 已不見
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 那曾深愛過的人 嗯
早在告別的 那天 已消失在這個世界
那一瞬間 妳終於發現 心中的愛和思念
都只是屬於 自己 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 曾經擁有過 的紀念
****************************************************************
我離開的時候很小 那個年代email還不盛行
我離開了很多好的朋友 家人 和我的青梅竹馬
當時接到很多朋友的來信 包括他的
再見還來不及說 就結束了
之後 因為時間和空間的關係 我雖難過 但決定一個人
之後 是很長的不諒解
幾乎再也沒有見過面 網上的交談也少得可憐
變成兩個陌生人
之後我們各自有自己的生活
十年之後 這次終於有機會攤開來聊了
我談了有關於我之前的交往 和工作
從我們的互動 我可以感覺到 以往的感覺已經不再
應該是說 what was once there isn't there anymore
我回到家 覺得難過 因為之前我們倆的好強和不信任感 把我們帶到這一天
我對他的記憶 一直停留在他女人緣很好 所以我們不停的折磨彼此
一直和個自的異性朋友打鬧
直到兩方都對彼此充滿猜忌和不信任
看過電影 Love me if you Dare 敢愛就來 嗎？
有一點像那樣
那麼喜歡彼此 卻從不說出口
在網上遇見他 告訴他我當初拒絕不是當好玩的
那是一個沒有skype, facebook, msn 的時代
我真的是有喜歡過 可是我做了當時我認為是對的決定
他之後的不聞不問 讓我很難過也很惆悵
我們現在 對彼此一無所知
回到這邊的家後 挖出當時的信來看
一封封好友寄來的信和傳真 都是不捨和加油打氣
我離開的事物 好多好多
讀到他當初的字句 想到今天 覺得一切都改變了
也許以後再也不會相見
也許以後我會後悔在十年後才一次把我的想法告訴他
是我們太好強嗎?還是太驕傲?
應該是沒有緣當情人吧
2010年3月2日 星期二
cloud hanging over my head
Over the past couple of days I met up with my friends from back home as well as my 'date'. Both have gone pretty well. I really missed seeing my friends and now that everybody is working and is doing well it's very rare that we still keep in touch and still have such close relationship with each other. We ended up going to one of the really inexpensive pasta place in town and spent 5 hours there until closing time.
My date with my my mom's friend's son went okay. there was no real spark, but i didn't hate him either. Overall i got the feeling that he's just a little boy. Although we are the same age but he's just started getting his Ph.D. after his Masters. Although I think because he's getting his Ph.D. at a different school so he has to start from year 1 (which means he still has 3 years ahead of him), plus the one year of military service. In general i did get the vibe that his only interest is staying in and playing video games. He is getting his Ph.D. in electric engineering at NTU so he's definiiltey a smart guy. But socially he seems very shy. We just chatted and walked around the shopping areas of taipei. I have met lots of braniacs so we have lots to talk about relating to scholarly stuff. But generally i'm postive we only got the 'friend' vibe from each other so it ended well.
Last update, still haven't heard a word from the last two companies I interviewed with. Nada. One of them I'm pretty sure that the offer should have gone out last friday (i was told so), unless they were seriously snowed in or had no time to discuss their candidates at all, i'm not very optimistic about it. and the other one, where i did my rotation, still haven't heard back from my boss regarding 2nd interview. At this rate i'm trying to let myself down easy. having done a rotation there really doesn't mean much in today's job market. In fact, i'm not sure if anything means anything any more in today's job market. When it comes down to you vs. 8 people in the end. if you're not the last person standing you're not in the picture at all.
It saddens me a little that while I am really happy to be in the company of my close friends and family who hold me together during this time, I am not feeling that I will ultimately get into the field that i want. I dont know if i'm looking at more years of community or hospital pharmacy ahead of me or what. And the fact I am getting older doesn't help either. because i see all my friends in relationships it makes me feel handicapped to not be in one. another voice in my head tells me that if i am returning to taiwan in the end and i dont want to marry an old fart i should just come back now, using unemployment as a terrific excuse.
I also have somewhat realized (again) at how competitive/ambitious I am. I spoke to somenoe in my class who got into Astra Zeneca in Taiwan just recently, working in the clinical trial developement, and i had to say i was feeling a little jealous. back then (and always) he was my intellectual equivalent, and we happened to get into similar fields in college as well. To hear that he transitioned smoothly into one of the big companies and in a division i also like made me feel horrible. to top it off,he's not a bad looking guy either, and he happens to be single. my dad was all suggesting that I get with him (of course as a joke), and I think I was more concerned with the fact that I'm gettin rejected by my dream jobs and that this guy has something i want. Plus, he was dating some really cutsie girl with baby voice and a tiny frame in the past, THIS would never work out between me and him. It also reminded me of seeing these guys in suits once at the airport when i was traveling back from the interview. They were real cute guys and almost everyone was giving them a double take. I was the only other girl in the cabin in a full suit, and yet I was feeling sort of sad/jealous as well probably because these cute guys were already traveling for work, and yet i was TRYING to get a job that will allow me to be in their shoes. I'm really going mad i'm sure. this work thing is getting in the way of my appreciating guys who are good looking and successful. i really hope it's not step one of heading down spinster-ville.
ugh! about to head out to have some boba and shopping and cannot block this out of my head.
OK, no nore depressive thoughts. we shall find out about it all.
My date with my my mom's friend's son went okay. there was no real spark, but i didn't hate him either. Overall i got the feeling that he's just a little boy. Although we are the same age but he's just started getting his Ph.D. after his Masters. Although I think because he's getting his Ph.D. at a different school so he has to start from year 1 (which means he still has 3 years ahead of him), plus the one year of military service. In general i did get the vibe that his only interest is staying in and playing video games. He is getting his Ph.D. in electric engineering at NTU so he's definiiltey a smart guy. But socially he seems very shy. We just chatted and walked around the shopping areas of taipei. I have met lots of braniacs so we have lots to talk about relating to scholarly stuff. But generally i'm postive we only got the 'friend' vibe from each other so it ended well.
Last update, still haven't heard a word from the last two companies I interviewed with. Nada. One of them I'm pretty sure that the offer should have gone out last friday (i was told so), unless they were seriously snowed in or had no time to discuss their candidates at all, i'm not very optimistic about it. and the other one, where i did my rotation, still haven't heard back from my boss regarding 2nd interview. At this rate i'm trying to let myself down easy. having done a rotation there really doesn't mean much in today's job market. In fact, i'm not sure if anything means anything any more in today's job market. When it comes down to you vs. 8 people in the end. if you're not the last person standing you're not in the picture at all.
It saddens me a little that while I am really happy to be in the company of my close friends and family who hold me together during this time, I am not feeling that I will ultimately get into the field that i want. I dont know if i'm looking at more years of community or hospital pharmacy ahead of me or what. And the fact I am getting older doesn't help either. because i see all my friends in relationships it makes me feel handicapped to not be in one. another voice in my head tells me that if i am returning to taiwan in the end and i dont want to marry an old fart i should just come back now, using unemployment as a terrific excuse.
I also have somewhat realized (again) at how competitive/ambitious I am. I spoke to somenoe in my class who got into Astra Zeneca in Taiwan just recently, working in the clinical trial developement, and i had to say i was feeling a little jealous. back then (and always) he was my intellectual equivalent, and we happened to get into similar fields in college as well. To hear that he transitioned smoothly into one of the big companies and in a division i also like made me feel horrible. to top it off,he's not a bad looking guy either, and he happens to be single. my dad was all suggesting that I get with him (of course as a joke), and I think I was more concerned with the fact that I'm gettin rejected by my dream jobs and that this guy has something i want. Plus, he was dating some really cutsie girl with baby voice and a tiny frame in the past, THIS would never work out between me and him. It also reminded me of seeing these guys in suits once at the airport when i was traveling back from the interview. They were real cute guys and almost everyone was giving them a double take. I was the only other girl in the cabin in a full suit, and yet I was feeling sort of sad/jealous as well probably because these cute guys were already traveling for work, and yet i was TRYING to get a job that will allow me to be in their shoes. I'm really going mad i'm sure. this work thing is getting in the way of my appreciating guys who are good looking and successful. i really hope it's not step one of heading down spinster-ville.
ugh! about to head out to have some boba and shopping and cannot block this out of my head.
OK, no nore depressive thoughts. we shall find out about it all.
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