HI part 2: not a particularly good day

Today makes me feel very, very low. i kind of just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. During rounds, i was feeling like an invisible ghost again. I dont know what is it that has changed my feelings toward rounds. It's not that i ever had that high of expectations from it. But i'm pretty sure sometime last week the feeling os uselessness really sank in. I never have any input in anything. i can never join the discussion because the medicine team is trained very differently from what a pharmacist does. And the attending never asks for my help with anything drug-related. she kind of just ignores me the whole time and have her discussion with the medicine team. the other doctors who were nice to me before sort of stopped talking to me too because even when they joke they joke about patients or things in the hospital which i'm not familiar with and therefore can't relate. I just sort of stand there feelin left out. I could hear the scream so loud in my head wanting to get the hell out, but i couldn't. i'm sure in no time the entire team will be used to my nonexistence.

then of all the stress related diseases i've suffered since school started, there's a new one: TMJ. my temporal mandibular joint is hurting. it hurts when i chew, hurts when i sneeze, hurts when i open my mouth too wide. so i've been seeking help and so far to no avail. the only thing i know is, i've spent about 5 hrs of my time and $140 and one consult that recommends a $3800 treatment. and you know what? if that's what it's gonna cost, then i will live with it forever. it won't kill me, but it wont make me feel great either, but at least i can stop wasting my precious time on money/time wasters like these. on top of that, i cut my finger while i tried to make curry the other night, and i fell on my ass on pasta sauce in a japanese supermarket here. So yeah, things have been going very, very bad.

Then when i finally got home to talk to close friends online, i am faced with yet another ugly truth: no one cares if they've got wedding on their minds. So yea, my roommates who are all soon to be Mrs's cannot stop talking even for one second about their wedding details. forget about how MY DAY is, it's all about the bridesmaid dresses, the cake tasting, and the wedding favors. i realize that as soon as i fly back to LA i will be face-to-face with this problem. nevermind asking how i am in hawaii or how my rotation is, it's all about getting married, as this is a popular sport now with girls MY AGE. i'm sort of fucked as the single friend. and i'm not exactly living the high life either. I'm not hanging around bars talking with strangers and flirting with hotties. i'm not dressed scandalously and meeting all the single available gentlemen out there. i am working my asses off as the silent mute pharmacy student who tries to get ready before each round and look up the lab values and drug drug interactions that nobody cares to ask about, with a pain in the jaw.

yeah, i am pretty pissed today.

HI part 1 (Everything is great now...with the internet ON)

Yes...I made it here.

This is day #4 in HI, and so far, so good. It keeps getting better each day. :)

Day 1 was miserable. I had gotten off a 6 hr flight. I dragged my ten thousand lbs heavy suit case with me and got on the Alamo bus for the car rental. It was sort of a weird contrast between me (the lone person) and the happy bunch of travelers everywhere (the airport, the plane, at Alamo, on the streets). I picked a RED Chevy Cobalt that looks lovely, and I've always wanted a red car on an island. It just seems suiting. and i went on my way, driving in a foreign place with no real map in hand.

And may i just add, driving here is CRAZY. It's sort of a cross between LA and Taipei. The street signs are sometims no where to be seen, and even if there is one, they dont light up at night. The streets are windey and confusing (due to the geography here) and LOTS of one-way streets and special lane division to confuse the heck out of you. I can never make a left turn where i need to make one and no where to make a U-turn to get back on the street i needed to be on. So LOTS of getting lost, lots of dangerous driving. From day 1-2 i was constantly getting lost. couldn't even find my own apartment or my friend's hotel which is about 10 min away. the parking situation at my apt sucks. I practically have to park ON the curb. I had never been so frstrated. but over the 4 day period, i'm starting to make some progress. I'm recognizing most streets and freeways and getting used to the horrible parking, so that's a good sign.

And so far i think i've been pretty lucky. I was lucky to have found this apartment which is shared between a couple students from Univ of Hawaii. The rent is reasonable, and the girls are super nice. I actually chat with them a little everyday, and today we spent the whole day just running errands and getting food together. I was introduced to a great local hangout (Glazer coffee) and a cheap local eat (some ramen place) and where everything is located relative to our apt (K mart, grocery stores, japanese marketd, post office). I am just all around happy and feel fortunate.

On top of that, a friend from pharmacy school is here on a trip with her high school friends. We decided to meet up and we've been hanging out for the past 2 days. So far we've visited Diamond Head for a hike, the famous shrimp truck on the North Shore, the Dole Plantation, Koa pancake house, Laie lookout, the polynesian cultural center, and the waikiki shopping area. I have so much fun at these places because her friends have been extremely hospitable to me, and we joke around a lot. They didn't mind that i just sort of crashed their vacation. at the end of the day they even took me to Wal-Mart so i could get the necessities i need here *tears*. a short description for each of these places:

Diamond Head: pretty intense for a beginner. I was out of the breath most of the time. but a cool place to check out the volcano crater.

Shrimp truck: located SOMEWHERE on highway 83...so we drove around for the longest time. the place we ended up picking was actually run by a taiwanese owner! the shrimp plate was so good. i had the garlic, but i also enjoyed my friend's Lava shrimp and salt and pepper (my favorite).

Dole Plantation: been there before. but still fun (and the pineapple ice cream is still yummy).

Koa Pancake house: EXTREMELY close to my work place. has some cheap breakfast, although not as good as SD. but very regional and i very much like it.

Laie lookout: a hidden gem next to polynesian cultural center. picture will follow.

Polynesian Cultural Center: been there before. But still fun and i still enjoyed the pagent of the islands as well as the buffet. i liked EVERYTHING on the buffet table and the rainbow ice. the performance was super too. LOVED the fireknife competition.

And the fact that my internet got working today is just awesome. I'm liking it here more and more every day. let's hope it stays like that. ;)

Post 5K

YES! I made it to the finish line. This morning i woke up bright and early for the Revlon 5K which i registered for several months ago. the anticipation has been so much that last night i almost couldn't sleep (had to wake up at 6am to get ready to leave). But i finally did it! my first long-distance race every. i have to say that the process of getting there isn't easy. I first had to get over the mental block that I am pretty unfit (although normal weight, but unfit). Prior to this committment i almost never ran more than half an hour. and before i started training 5 weeks ago sat my ass on the couch every night watching tv or studying instead of getting in shape. However this morning it was a pain the butt to try to get to the course at USC. The traffic was horrible, and no one was exiting the free way. After i finally got off a different exit i still was stuck in lines trying to find parking and getting into a lot. By then i thought i was going to miss the start by being stuck in traffic. But luckily, we arrived at 816ish am. And we were able to pick up the t shirt and goody bag, put on the bib, and join the race.

I made it in 46 min which is kind of embarrassing, considering that's how fast people walk. I went online today (good thing not yesterday, or my spirit would be killed a lot) and found out that most people can do within half an hour or even under 20 min (is that even physically possible?). So i'm going to keep quiet about my time until i can improve. :) but not to make excuse or anything, i was stuck in people traffic for at least 10 min before i could actually run. They mixed all the walkers and runners together and people with their strollers. So the beginning i was literally stuck in people and not running because we were moving forward as a "chunck" of people. And i had to snake my way through before i can hit clearn air. That was just purely bad organization. no one knew what was going on.

When i finished at the Coliseum, i felt definitely very triumphant. I had committed myself to this race also for the reason that i had been bothered by lots of issues that shouldn't matter at all. I was sick of feeling unmotivated, down, pessimistic, and bitter. I wanted to challenge myself and make other purposes out of my life. It's so easy to get caught in the politics at school/work, the stress from school/work, the uncertainty surrounding my immediate future. But THAT ALL shouldnt' matter. I was ignoring my health in the mean time, slowly losing my sanity and became obsessive and a boring person. i wanted to find that lively spirit back (just as how i feel everytime i travel in europe/other parts of the world, i think, screw everything back home i'm staying here and start a new life). So i do feel somewhat liberated now. I'm going to continue this habit of working out at least 3 days a week and feel the best i can.

one small thing: I realized my shoe broke after the race. how funny is that:

getting ready for the 5K

Tonight was my last practice before the big 5K walk/run coming up this saturday. I feel that i'll have to do the full 5K, and not just the 2 miles i usually stop at. i wanted to see what my best time could be, knowing that on the real day it will always be slower (due to the slopes and all). and i wasn't too bad. I did 5K in a little bit under an hour, and i didn't feel like dying at all. mostly i just needed to sustain that power to run for 10-15 min non-stop. then take a walk, then run again. but it takes about 3 repetitions to finish the whole course. which makes me realize how long a way i have still toward a marathon, even a half marathon. But at this point i'm happy enough. I've gone from a complete couch potato who hasn't worked out in maybe a year to someone who can do 5K and still keep a straigh face afterward. and it's been like this too. the following day i can work, hike, whatever, with no debilitating soreness in my legs at all. Very happy with the results. am definitely reaching my second goal: swimsuit body for the summer. :D

Aside from that, nothing too eventful has happened today. I was reading for the boring law class and the notes went on forever. However, I did receive an email from the "maid of honor" from my ex roommate/bestfriend's wedding. she asked us to all join a group and share our favorite memories of the bride (my friend). I haven't submitted one because i haven't thought of one. I know i said that i've gotten over the bitterness but maybe there is still residual feelings. Because when i really think hard, there's so much in the past i can't even begin to list them all:

1. met while working together in school cafeterial. practically met the first week. people keep getting us mixed up.

2. walked to math everyday since we met. then we had physics together, japanese together...

3. lived together for 2 years, cooked together, ate together, went grocery shopping together, clubbed together, went go-karting together..

4. drove me home during freshmen year and introduced to me all the wonderful great rock bands she listened to

5. took me Moo's ice cream when my heart was broken

6. taught me to cook, to bake

7.....


while these people only could trace their memories back to 2007, i could go on forever. and yes, they have to mention about their faith in their message. i know that, that was the only thing that has drawn a line between me and my roommate/bestfriend possibly forever now.


and i listen to both my roommates about wedding planning. and their favors and videographers. i dont know if i should be glad that there's still much to do left in my life because i still have to work hard on my career in order to get somewhere, or if i should be sad that none of my concerns are really their concerns anymore. all my talks about work-related/school-related stress and anxiety about future seem so unimportant in the face of someone's happiest day in her life. i couldn't' bring myself to talk about my own issues.