how not to feel like a loser....

I wouldn't know the answer to that. because there are days when i feel completely ok and happy about my relationship status and there are days when i dont. and two things make me feel like a loser today..

I'm contemplating about returning this dress to Express. It's a lovely dress i got about 2 weeks ago, and have yet decided whether I should return it or not. It's made of this beautiful, beautiful lacey material, not the cheap kind. So soft to the touch and is just a all around cute tube dress. When i tried it on i fell in love with it. I like how i look when i'm wearing it. and i can see how it's going to be appropriate for so many cocktail parties. It was just the thing i was looking for, a beautiful, lacey, tiered black dress. and the discounted price was such a deal.

But when it was actually bought and paid for, reality kicked in. When am i REALLY going to wear it? I dont have a date! i haven't been on any date for like, the past EIGHT years. most part of my adult life i've spent being a single person. i dont even remember what it feels like to be on dates anymore. and it's SUCH a date dress. not too revealing, just lovely. The last time i went out with someone, i was so young that no one was really dressing up at that age. we just wore our jeans, no make up, to the nearest burger joint. Neither I nor my ex could afford a nice dinner other than Johnny Rockets. and we SHARED a burger. so in theory, i don't actually know what people do on dates. do you wear that little black dress and wait to be picked up? do you twist your hair and giggle when your date speaks? do you give him a peck on the cheek at the end of the day? how do you make sure that there's a "next" date? i have no idea.

I'm so out of touch with the reality for so long. I envy my girlfriends when they talk about their adventures with guys. I never have that freedom. there are restaurants that are termed as DATE restaurants that i've never been, and there are things like carriage rides on a cold day or a stroll on the beach at night that i never get to do with a date. i feel so deprived.

so that dress has been sitting in its original bag, in its original condition, with tag still attached, because i'm thinking about returning it. I can always use that extra money to get other things i want. Although it really is a good deal for the quality and the cut of the dress. but when am i ever going to wear it? I can't just buy something so i can have it 'on reserve' for dates that may not happen in the next 5 years. by then this beautiful dress will have lost its luster and sit lonely in my closet for years.

the second thing i'm going to get at, is that my only recent crush (from a year ago) has now become something of a past now. because i choose to let it be. It's sad enough to be a 25 year old who still has random crushes on people. and for a crush to last that long, it's REALLY sad. And I'm saying this because I have no real illness i need to get back to the clinic asap, and i'm sane enough to know not to stalk people. I know better to not take it too seriously because like i stated a year ago, it's not professional to fall for someone such as your doc, and it's probably just psychology playing with your head that you think there is something there when there really isn't.

As it turns out, the resident who i saw last year for my abscess on the leg has become a full time doc at student health (he's transferred). so about 3/4 my class has seen him, and girls are going WILD about this doctor who is super nice, good-looking, and down to earth. i'm just hearing praises from left and right about this doctor, and hie personal information because apparently people have been having little chats with him (another thing i'm bad at, around people i like). so i've actually known a lot more about him now than i did before (he's from SD, he went to UCSD...). and the girls were just getting super shy about getting a pap smear from him because he's too cute.

Well, i dont like competitions, and i dont like liking the same person as the rest of the world. it always makes me feel like i am this little grain of sand trying to stand out (dont worry i think i'm perfectly fine), i just always picture my relationship as this one man one woman kind of deal. sort of like Darcy and Elizabeth. there should be no one else. and not like the dating show The Bachelor, where i have to technically show a nipple to get someone's attention.

and because i'm so passive in love, i should return the little black dress which i love so dearly. because i think someone should wear it, and someone should. It's going to be a lot happier being flaunted by its wearer in sexy, romantic restaurants, being complimented on its texture, than sitting in my closet.