Because I used the Superbowl weekend to, well, watch Superbowl and rest after my series of interview, i actually accomplished a lot. I'm 99% done with my final presentation, and at this point I am just waiting for the end of it all (on thursday). then I will be rotation free for the next 6 weeks.
I wish that i didn't have this "inverview" cloud hanging over my head. Then i'd be really excited about the upcoming break. But the fact that, knowing a lot of my classmates got the position they wanted (and these are classmates who i'm not particularly friends with), makes me feel somewhat sad about my fellowship/job outlook. it's pretty much the first thing i think about upon waking up, and last thing i think about before going to bed. Well, THAT and my current rotation. my social like is at a complete halt right now. and then i sit around wondering why i'm 'dateless' for V-day (actually, not really). ;)
So last night i enjoyed a night of The Bachelor marathon. it's particularly ironic when you're single and you've been watching the past 5 seasons...knowing that none of these relationships will work out and in order to win over the bachelor (who is gorgeous by the way, but kinda cheesey) you gotta act like you've fallen in love upon meeting him, and probably find the shirt with the least amount of fabric to wear so he can practically stare through you top. I often wonder if i ever signed myself up for the show in hope to find 'true love', if i'd be eliminated upon stepping off the limo (not even to the first round of Rose Ceremony). HAHA. the contestants are just all too gorgeous, however shallow they may seem and the numerous tanning sessions and plastic surgeries they go through. i think The Bachelor really like that. Anyway, i am putting too much thought into a little silly show. It's actually making me a ever more bitter single woman. ;)
@ KJ: thanks...I do hope that i can find out as much as about these positions as possible when i go to the onsite interviews. today's job market makes me fee like "begger's can't be choosers" (maybe i'm exageratting a little bit). but i feel that i should be thankful for whatever comes my way, at the same time, i'm also so reluctant to leave home to somewhere far, far away where ther is lots of snow storms and a whole lotta nothing (ie New jersey). and i tend to always project a few years on top what what i have right now to see what is the optimal time to return to tw, so that my parents won't be too old and we can still spend quality time together..so and so.
this is why i think i need to just shut down my brain sometimes. :P
2010年2月9日 星期二
2010年2月7日 星期日
a whole lotta nuthin'
This is probably the first weekend since a long time ago I finally have time to sit home during a free weekend to blog. I really apologize for not keeping up. This usually happens during extreme stress/depressed mood. I don't feel that crappy overall but the job aspect has definitely depleted a lot of my enthusiasm and the rotation drained a lot of my energy.
To make long story short, last december I went to great length to prepare for 10+ applications/interviews, and went through 3 days straight of interviews in Vegas with no fun time, and finally got 2 offers for an on-site interview sometime during early January. I flew to new jersey to interview with them. Each company requires you to spend the whole day with them. And I mean literally the whole day from 830 to 4pm. You basically talk to someone every half an hour until you're emotionally and physically drained. And you give a powerpoint presentation sometime in between (and i made one brand new too just for these company and their impossible requirements). On top of that, you also had to read a research paper and send in your critique before the actual onsite interview. Although super tired and somewhat nervous, I finished both interviews with high hopes. I could tell that I really kicked ass during the presentation, but with so many more applicants this year d/t the recession, I can't be 100% sure. I got followup phone calls from one company in particular somewhat asking me to make a decision between the two companies (they know about each other) and I was completely caught off guard.
I then spent the next month waiting in vain for the results. When I didn't hear anything on the proposed day of decision I knew I was out. Of course my suspicion was confirmed via phone calls/email that the offer belonged to someone else. At which point, my mood was very very bad. Because I went through so much work. and then nothing. It pains me to even look at the presentation I made and the articles I had to read for these companies. I dont think i ever or will ever have to try this hard for any job in my life. They raised the bar so high that as a candidate you had to jump through these hoops in order to be the chosen one.
Then I was called back for a residency interview in nyc. I thought that was a very interesting surprise. I had applied for hospital residencies as a back up, and didn't think i'd get any invites. But I went anyway, since there's really no backup plan as of now. Then i was put through another all-day interview between 2 medical centers, only to find out in the end that the program isn't that great because they work their residents to death. I would be living in nyc working 60+ hr a week and never see the sun. And the interview was poorly organized. half the interviewers prolly didn't show up. And the ones who did show up had trouble identifying which candidate should go to which room. At one point I was being interviewed in the cafeteria because of some room booking confusion. I'd be damned if that interview worked in my favor. At the end of the day it was coming straight back to LA for my rotation the next day.
And did I mention I am also doing my oncology rotation at the same time? I pulled 2 50+ weeks 2 weeks in a row just so I can fly to the east coast to get interviewed. In hindsight, all for nothing. Everyday at the hospital I could feel that I was just so sad and tired.
I had planned to go back to tw during my off rotation (which starts valentine's day weekend) but because I haven't received any offers I have to wait in the US for 2 interviews (one has yet to be booked).
It's been really hard for me, i'm sure looking back I will feel so sorry for myself. To be physically and mentally challenged at the hospital rotation, trying to impress my preceptor and match my super type-A partner, coming home to lots of rejection letter/email/phone calls, and flying all over the US for more interviews which are the least promising, and coming back to work straight through the week. I am only giving myself a free weekend so i can work on my final presentation and exam for my last week of rotation.
There are things that make me feel bad. like finding out my friend who got married got pregnant (not that it's a bad thing for her, but that's also something i haven't fulfilled my womanly duty for), and another girl getting engaged to a apparently very well off MD.
When I looked at the cancer patients at teh hospital and I wonder if i'll become one of them with my constant high stress level. I felt bad that during my time at the hospital I've already seen two pts go. and i had seen them while they were alive. really puts everything in perspective for you.
but at the same time, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I just produced a 1 hr long presentation completed with all kinds of studies and graphics within an hour, and i feel absolutely no anxiety about presenting it. I guess after having to present in front of 8 pharm.d.s + MDs at these company interviews nothing can make me pee my pants at this point. :P
To make long story short, last december I went to great length to prepare for 10+ applications/interviews, and went through 3 days straight of interviews in Vegas with no fun time, and finally got 2 offers for an on-site interview sometime during early January. I flew to new jersey to interview with them. Each company requires you to spend the whole day with them. And I mean literally the whole day from 830 to 4pm. You basically talk to someone every half an hour until you're emotionally and physically drained. And you give a powerpoint presentation sometime in between (and i made one brand new too just for these company and their impossible requirements). On top of that, you also had to read a research paper and send in your critique before the actual onsite interview. Although super tired and somewhat nervous, I finished both interviews with high hopes. I could tell that I really kicked ass during the presentation, but with so many more applicants this year d/t the recession, I can't be 100% sure. I got followup phone calls from one company in particular somewhat asking me to make a decision between the two companies (they know about each other) and I was completely caught off guard.
I then spent the next month waiting in vain for the results. When I didn't hear anything on the proposed day of decision I knew I was out. Of course my suspicion was confirmed via phone calls/email that the offer belonged to someone else. At which point, my mood was very very bad. Because I went through so much work. and then nothing. It pains me to even look at the presentation I made and the articles I had to read for these companies. I dont think i ever or will ever have to try this hard for any job in my life. They raised the bar so high that as a candidate you had to jump through these hoops in order to be the chosen one.
Then I was called back for a residency interview in nyc. I thought that was a very interesting surprise. I had applied for hospital residencies as a back up, and didn't think i'd get any invites. But I went anyway, since there's really no backup plan as of now. Then i was put through another all-day interview between 2 medical centers, only to find out in the end that the program isn't that great because they work their residents to death. I would be living in nyc working 60+ hr a week and never see the sun. And the interview was poorly organized. half the interviewers prolly didn't show up. And the ones who did show up had trouble identifying which candidate should go to which room. At one point I was being interviewed in the cafeteria because of some room booking confusion. I'd be damned if that interview worked in my favor. At the end of the day it was coming straight back to LA for my rotation the next day.
And did I mention I am also doing my oncology rotation at the same time? I pulled 2 50+ weeks 2 weeks in a row just so I can fly to the east coast to get interviewed. In hindsight, all for nothing. Everyday at the hospital I could feel that I was just so sad and tired.
I had planned to go back to tw during my off rotation (which starts valentine's day weekend) but because I haven't received any offers I have to wait in the US for 2 interviews (one has yet to be booked).
It's been really hard for me, i'm sure looking back I will feel so sorry for myself. To be physically and mentally challenged at the hospital rotation, trying to impress my preceptor and match my super type-A partner, coming home to lots of rejection letter/email/phone calls, and flying all over the US for more interviews which are the least promising, and coming back to work straight through the week. I am only giving myself a free weekend so i can work on my final presentation and exam for my last week of rotation.
There are things that make me feel bad. like finding out my friend who got married got pregnant (not that it's a bad thing for her, but that's also something i haven't fulfilled my womanly duty for), and another girl getting engaged to a apparently very well off MD.
When I looked at the cancer patients at teh hospital and I wonder if i'll become one of them with my constant high stress level. I felt bad that during my time at the hospital I've already seen two pts go. and i had seen them while they were alive. really puts everything in perspective for you.
but at the same time, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I just produced a 1 hr long presentation completed with all kinds of studies and graphics within an hour, and i feel absolutely no anxiety about presenting it. I guess after having to present in front of 8 pharm.d.s + MDs at these company interviews nothing can make me pee my pants at this point. :P
2010年1月17日 星期日
What to do
Yes...it is a known fact that I can't update my blog when under extreme stress/worries.
A few words since my last update. I have received calls. I have flown over and returned from the east coast from interviews with two companies I applied for. I spent 2 whole days interviewing with them (from 830 to 330) and flying back and forth and I was so tired and drained from the trip to the east coast (and the fact that I have to make up the days I missed from rotation).
Anyway, I am right on the brink of everything. I am trying to write thank you cards to the people I interviewed with. But I am completely getting cold feet. Am I ready to move? More and more i'm flip flopping everyday about the decision. I am all of a sudden having this great fear from being on the other side of the country and away from all my family. I know no one on that side of the continent and no family at all. This typically did not bother me. but all of a sudden it's so debilitating. I feel that I am getting myself into it more by investing so much time into it. I am putting on a happy face while a part of me is getting really, really tired of being so far away from my family and people who i care for and love. I dont know if i am into the being alone in a small town (not nyc) just so i can get experiences to come home. I want to be surrounded by people who can give me a boost in morale when I am down after work, and not over Skype or the phone.
I think i am just really, really homesick and really scared to move far far away from everyone I know. like the big move i made when I was 15 to the US. I guess old memories dont die easy.
A few words since my last update. I have received calls. I have flown over and returned from the east coast from interviews with two companies I applied for. I spent 2 whole days interviewing with them (from 830 to 330) and flying back and forth and I was so tired and drained from the trip to the east coast (and the fact that I have to make up the days I missed from rotation).
Anyway, I am right on the brink of everything. I am trying to write thank you cards to the people I interviewed with. But I am completely getting cold feet. Am I ready to move? More and more i'm flip flopping everyday about the decision. I am all of a sudden having this great fear from being on the other side of the country and away from all my family. I know no one on that side of the continent and no family at all. This typically did not bother me. but all of a sudden it's so debilitating. I feel that I am getting myself into it more by investing so much time into it. I am putting on a happy face while a part of me is getting really, really tired of being so far away from my family and people who i care for and love. I dont know if i am into the being alone in a small town (not nyc) just so i can get experiences to come home. I want to be surrounded by people who can give me a boost in morale when I am down after work, and not over Skype or the phone.
I think i am just really, really homesick and really scared to move far far away from everyone I know. like the big move i made when I was 15 to the US. I guess old memories dont die easy.
2010年1月3日 星期日
last day for me to do absolutely nothing
EEEK! today is the last day of my winter break. ARGHH! Can't believe that 2 weeks flew by just like that. although i have to say that it feels like much longer because I was able to squeeze in some really quality time to rest and travel and do nothing, but still, the thought that tomorrow at this time I will be whining through my way through the next rotation is just kind of annoying. particularly because it's a hard one. particularly because I have it on campus with a smartie from my class, particularly because it's oncology which i remember nothing about. ok time to stop stressing!
So I'm lying in my bed and organizing the pictures. I decided that I will give a mini summary of my xmas break in a nutshell:
San Diego- accomplished a lot. went to the Sharp Hospital Open House (for business), and Old Town, Hillcrest, Downtown San Diego (for fun). We tried this new moroccan restaurant that was super yummy. the beef/shrim/tuna kebab was out of this world! and we FINALLY made it in the doors of Sushi Deli. I've waited in line to try this place at least 3 times in my life and i never got close to within 15 min of being seated. If you ever have a chance to go to San Diego you'd see it's outrageous how many people waste their time standing in the cold for the sushi here. BUT, since i never got to try throughout college, i decided to give it ago. and luckily we weren't that far down the list so we actually got in this time. Yes, it's reasonably price, no, the sushi quality is no where as good as what you can find in LA or OC. It's purely for the non-asian tastebuds or those who are on a tight budget. But if you ask me, you can spend the same amt of money in LA and get much better quality. You'd be better off walk around Gaslamp and find a good italian/steakhouse/Indian there, in my opinion. At the end of the day on our way back we stopped by Taiko (a authentic japanese place in Irvine). LOTS of food and tastes great. I can't believe i only paid that much for the quality of sashimi i got.
SF -
We went to SF for Xmas. The first night we got to spend xmas dinner on our own (me and my sis) and we went to an Indian buffet. all you can eat Indian food (plus the yummiest milk tea) for $12. It's at this place called Naan 'n' Curry. I thought that was a petty memorable xmas dinner considering the fact that we didn't go to a regular restaurant and spend $50 on finger food. I absolutely loved their curry (and milk tea) there. Over the next couple days, we also stopped by a friend's xmas party, Ferry Building (SUPER FUN almost reminds me of Quincy Market in Boston), Sausalito (cold and not that spectacular compared to SD), and more Union Square (love love love), some Jewish diner, and Shabu shabu. think I listed them all.
NYE-
Yes, i had some very tasty brazilian bbq! I've heard of Fogo de Chao for quite some time now but never tried. the rumor is true. it is Y.U.M.M.Y. all of the beef items were juicy and nicely marinated, the salad bar was above-average, and the never ending mash potato and fried plantains were also very delicious. My only complaint is that the Caparihna was on the pricey side and was wayy too strong. but the service was courteous and it didn't hurt that all the waiters were eye candies with an accent. ;) 4 stars! We then walked to Tanzore a close-by indian restaurant/lounge for the countdown.
It was a nice alternative because we were cutting pretty close to midnight and didnt' feel like traveling too far. we ended up having some Rose Champagne for the countdown. a very interesting experience.
Rest of the days -
were pretty uneventful. My sis was sick as hell so she couldn't' do much. But i did end up going to dinner with a friend at a indian restaurant in the area and shopped some more for deeply discounted stuff. I got pants for $10 and $15..isn't it crazy? You can't even get pants that cheap in Asia. :)
Alritey. gonna prolly sleep the rest of my day off. It's pretty sunny out and i can't believe my break is over! Wahhhhhh!
So I'm lying in my bed and organizing the pictures. I decided that I will give a mini summary of my xmas break in a nutshell:
San Diego- accomplished a lot. went to the Sharp Hospital Open House (for business), and Old Town, Hillcrest, Downtown San Diego (for fun). We tried this new moroccan restaurant that was super yummy. the beef/shrim/tuna kebab was out of this world! and we FINALLY made it in the doors of Sushi Deli. I've waited in line to try this place at least 3 times in my life and i never got close to within 15 min of being seated. If you ever have a chance to go to San Diego you'd see it's outrageous how many people waste their time standing in the cold for the sushi here. BUT, since i never got to try throughout college, i decided to give it ago. and luckily we weren't that far down the list so we actually got in this time. Yes, it's reasonably price, no, the sushi quality is no where as good as what you can find in LA or OC. It's purely for the non-asian tastebuds or those who are on a tight budget. But if you ask me, you can spend the same amt of money in LA and get much better quality. You'd be better off walk around Gaslamp and find a good italian/steakhouse/Indian there, in my opinion. At the end of the day on our way back we stopped by Taiko (a authentic japanese place in Irvine). LOTS of food and tastes great. I can't believe i only paid that much for the quality of sashimi i got.
SF -
We went to SF for Xmas. The first night we got to spend xmas dinner on our own (me and my sis) and we went to an Indian buffet. all you can eat Indian food (plus the yummiest milk tea) for $12. It's at this place called Naan 'n' Curry. I thought that was a petty memorable xmas dinner considering the fact that we didn't go to a regular restaurant and spend $50 on finger food. I absolutely loved their curry (and milk tea) there. Over the next couple days, we also stopped by a friend's xmas party, Ferry Building (SUPER FUN almost reminds me of Quincy Market in Boston), Sausalito (cold and not that spectacular compared to SD), and more Union Square (love love love), some Jewish diner, and Shabu shabu. think I listed them all.
NYE-
Yes, i had some very tasty brazilian bbq! I've heard of Fogo de Chao for quite some time now but never tried. the rumor is true. it is Y.U.M.M.Y. all of the beef items were juicy and nicely marinated, the salad bar was above-average, and the never ending mash potato and fried plantains were also very delicious. My only complaint is that the Caparihna was on the pricey side and was wayy too strong. but the service was courteous and it didn't hurt that all the waiters were eye candies with an accent. ;) 4 stars! We then walked to Tanzore a close-by indian restaurant/lounge for the countdown.
It was a nice alternative because we were cutting pretty close to midnight and didnt' feel like traveling too far. we ended up having some Rose Champagne for the countdown. a very interesting experience.
Rest of the days -
were pretty uneventful. My sis was sick as hell so she couldn't' do much. But i did end up going to dinner with a friend at a indian restaurant in the area and shopped some more for deeply discounted stuff. I got pants for $10 and $15..isn't it crazy? You can't even get pants that cheap in Asia. :)
Alritey. gonna prolly sleep the rest of my day off. It's pretty sunny out and i can't believe my break is over! Wahhhhhh!
2010年1月1日 星期五
Is it ok to not have new year's resolution this year?
So I decided that this year I will not make any New Year's Resolution I cannot keep. I thought about making new ones, but it would be unrealistic of me to swear off these following things:
1) work out at least 3 times a week: seeing how i am sitting on the couch right in front of a perfectly functioning treadmill, while drinking my first boba of the year, this is most likely not going to happen. The house is cold, and I kind of dont feel like breaking a sweat. True, I probably gained a few pounds over the holidays and can probably get more definition in my arms, but c'mon, it's cold out, and I will be wearing long sleeves for the rest of the winter. I will work out when I feel like it, or eat salad when the temperature is at least over 60 degrees. It's really not like I'll be slipping in a tube dress anytime soon, so let's just be comfortable and forget about the workout.
2) Write only positive thoughts in my blog: ok, this of all things, probably will not last past 3 days. Probably because if i promise anything now, when the interviews roll around or when major decisions have to be made about whether to move or not, I will be full of complaints/doubts. and yes, this is a somewhat crucial year and I really dont want to give myself a hard time for writing about my doubts and negative feelings. It may be somewhat unpleasant to read, but I need to vent somehwere. and what better place than on your blog (than in the face of your co-worker, boss, friends, strangers...). I CAN however write more about pleasant things/trips in my life. that much i can promise. ;)
3) Be more positive about my love life (or lack thereof): well, this is something that is totally out of my control so why sweat about it.
These are some of the more major areas of life I can think of. But I really think I want to just take it easy this year and not worry about coming up with new year's resultions and feeling crappy about not keeping them 3 days after I make them.
Happy New Year Everyone! <3
1) work out at least 3 times a week: seeing how i am sitting on the couch right in front of a perfectly functioning treadmill, while drinking my first boba of the year, this is most likely not going to happen. The house is cold, and I kind of dont feel like breaking a sweat. True, I probably gained a few pounds over the holidays and can probably get more definition in my arms, but c'mon, it's cold out, and I will be wearing long sleeves for the rest of the winter. I will work out when I feel like it, or eat salad when the temperature is at least over 60 degrees. It's really not like I'll be slipping in a tube dress anytime soon, so let's just be comfortable and forget about the workout.
2) Write only positive thoughts in my blog: ok, this of all things, probably will not last past 3 days. Probably because if i promise anything now, when the interviews roll around or when major decisions have to be made about whether to move or not, I will be full of complaints/doubts. and yes, this is a somewhat crucial year and I really dont want to give myself a hard time for writing about my doubts and negative feelings. It may be somewhat unpleasant to read, but I need to vent somehwere. and what better place than on your blog (than in the face of your co-worker, boss, friends, strangers...). I CAN however write more about pleasant things/trips in my life. that much i can promise. ;)
3) Be more positive about my love life (or lack thereof): well, this is something that is totally out of my control so why sweat about it.
These are some of the more major areas of life I can think of. But I really think I want to just take it easy this year and not worry about coming up with new year's resultions and feeling crappy about not keeping them 3 days after I make them.
Happy New Year Everyone! <3
2009年12月10日 星期四
The craziness of a weekend (2) - the Wedding
Yes, the last of the series of weddings of this year. a lot of weddings have happened lately, mostly on facebook and you see classmates come back with a bling on their fingers and a hyphenated name. but this one belongs to my my closest roommate from college who i loved a lot. who i also talked about during my post about her choosing her church people as 90% of her guests at the wedding as well as her maid of honor and bridesmaids.
So i left work early on friday to be at her wedding rehearsal and dinner. and we all spent the night at her bridal suite. the whole time it felt somewhat surreal to me. When my other roommate Linda got married a month ago yes i felt bad during the wedding, but not horrible. This time, i felt like things are going to change from this point on. for multiple reasons, but i also know that it somewhat signifies something bigger than the wedding itself.
To make long story short, yes, i was annoyed at the fact that 90% of the party was made up by her church group. i was not too thrilled about having to stand in the extreme cold while they recited chapters from the bible, sang songs praising the Lord, and preached about Christianity to believers and non-believers. and the fact they said something about her life as a 'sinner' before she joined the church and met her husband. the fact that they talked about the duty as wife. the fact that they only met for such a short time and the the priest was making it sound like the greatest love ever and that their union is approved by the Lord. and the fact that we went to a PHO place for wedding rehearsal. the fact that her fiance was only nicer to people from her church and made rude comments about my other roommate because she wouldn't dance hip-hop during our practice for their reception entrance.
but all those feelings I could overlook. My friend looked beautiful in her dress, and when we helped her put it on in the morning I acutally got a bit teary because it was like giving a friend away. Then when I saw her with her dad again I got really sad, thinking about how my dad so wants to see us down the aisle and gives us away, but it most likely won't happen in the near future. Her dad is normally a stern man, and i know that he hasn't really approved of her fiance. and her fiance, being the way he is, probably couldn't care less to impress him (being someone outside of the church who can also potentially hinder my friend's walk to God).
Finally, during the reception, I cried when I saw her dance with her dad, i also got teary when I danced with her and her husband (separately). I knew exactly why i was upset (although I hid it really well throughout). during the maid of the honor speech and the best man speech i knew the truth. I jsut didn't tell it. I said "congratulations" only on every thing i bought them or wrote for them because i didnt' have anything more to say.
The truth is, these people only loved her after she's joined her church. If she didn't make that choice, or decided to leave the church, there would be no 'brotherhood' or 'sisterhood' left. I knew my freind since almost 8 years ago, and i loved her as a friend with or without her religion. i was there when she fell, when she was struggling with her career and school, when she broke up with her ex, when she moved to SD, when she got a new job, when she joined a church. I was the one who care about her the most. and yet i know once she's married into this community, our lives wouldn't be the same anymore. That's why i cried.
Of course, the fact that I was flying into Vegas for a million job interviews didn't help either. everyone's settled, and yet my career has barely started. I am fighting for a spot among the men, i have no prospect for marriage or children. and i think that made me very sad as well during the reception. I wanted all those love songs for my reception.
last wedding of 2009. i'm glad i survived.
So i left work early on friday to be at her wedding rehearsal and dinner. and we all spent the night at her bridal suite. the whole time it felt somewhat surreal to me. When my other roommate Linda got married a month ago yes i felt bad during the wedding, but not horrible. This time, i felt like things are going to change from this point on. for multiple reasons, but i also know that it somewhat signifies something bigger than the wedding itself.
To make long story short, yes, i was annoyed at the fact that 90% of the party was made up by her church group. i was not too thrilled about having to stand in the extreme cold while they recited chapters from the bible, sang songs praising the Lord, and preached about Christianity to believers and non-believers. and the fact they said something about her life as a 'sinner' before she joined the church and met her husband. the fact that they talked about the duty as wife. the fact that they only met for such a short time and the the priest was making it sound like the greatest love ever and that their union is approved by the Lord. and the fact that we went to a PHO place for wedding rehearsal. the fact that her fiance was only nicer to people from her church and made rude comments about my other roommate because she wouldn't dance hip-hop during our practice for their reception entrance.
but all those feelings I could overlook. My friend looked beautiful in her dress, and when we helped her put it on in the morning I acutally got a bit teary because it was like giving a friend away. Then when I saw her with her dad again I got really sad, thinking about how my dad so wants to see us down the aisle and gives us away, but it most likely won't happen in the near future. Her dad is normally a stern man, and i know that he hasn't really approved of her fiance. and her fiance, being the way he is, probably couldn't care less to impress him (being someone outside of the church who can also potentially hinder my friend's walk to God).
Finally, during the reception, I cried when I saw her dance with her dad, i also got teary when I danced with her and her husband (separately). I knew exactly why i was upset (although I hid it really well throughout). during the maid of the honor speech and the best man speech i knew the truth. I jsut didn't tell it. I said "congratulations" only on every thing i bought them or wrote for them because i didnt' have anything more to say.
The truth is, these people only loved her after she's joined her church. If she didn't make that choice, or decided to leave the church, there would be no 'brotherhood' or 'sisterhood' left. I knew my freind since almost 8 years ago, and i loved her as a friend with or without her religion. i was there when she fell, when she was struggling with her career and school, when she broke up with her ex, when she moved to SD, when she got a new job, when she joined a church. I was the one who care about her the most. and yet i know once she's married into this community, our lives wouldn't be the same anymore. That's why i cried.
Of course, the fact that I was flying into Vegas for a million job interviews didn't help either. everyone's settled, and yet my career has barely started. I am fighting for a spot among the men, i have no prospect for marriage or children. and i think that made me very sad as well during the reception. I wanted all those love songs for my reception.
last wedding of 2009. i'm glad i survived.
What a weekend (1) - Let the Ass-kissing fest begin!
Ok, finally I have endured and survived the long-awaited wedding-filled and interview-filled weekend, and there's more things i want to update than i have time for. In fact, I really should be sleeping right now. After about 5 days of non-stop craziness. Some of the worst-case scenarios revolving airline travel has happened to me (not just one but TWO). But I will get to that later. this is why i'm numbering my post today. I had wanted to do this in chronological order, but I suppose in the end I decided to do them in the order of importance. So since I have been talking about fellowships and interviews incessantly for the past like, 6 months. I'm going to get into that first.
Like I mentioned before, I had arranged for around 10 interviews to be completed prior to my arrival to the conference. I already knew that THAT was going to be crazy. but when i actually got there, I signed up for the most famous program - Rutge*'s - which is associated with a multitude of some of the most famous drug companies in the world. and it was then my weekend got REAL interesting. So typically u do only one (at most two) interview during the 3 day period while you are at the conference. Most of them only see you once and go from there. If they like you enough, they might fly you out to an on-site interview. and if the programs are a little more snobby, they require a second interview at the conference. it may be booked within the same day, or a day later, but the earlier the better. But not with Rutger's. 99% of the companies associated with this program want to see you THREE friggin times before they will put on their glasses and decide who among these candidates who made it to the third round they would like to see again at their company in a couple weeks. not two, THREE interviews. So basically, they assume that your schedule is wide open. you have nothing to do in vegas but prop your feet up in your hotel room waiting for their call back. if you can't make it, too bad. and you go from interviewing with the current fellow, to last year's fellow and HR, to the top managers in the department. So with each round there is more at stake and therefore my sweat inducing. and some of the fellows of course acted like they were some big shots (because they beat out the other 250 candidates last year and made it, apparently). And the managers just stare at you, trying to induce anxienty (althoug that rarely works on me, if i dont get it, whatever, i dont need to work with a prick in the as*). So luckily, with my little background in the industry and ability to BS my way through most of it, i made it through all three rounds with all of the positions I applied for. (i'm only talking about Rutger's here.) Then you get this EXCLUSIVE invitation to their reception. i did not realize the importance of these recpetions until i was told by the fellows and the other applicants that this is THE event i need to be at. it's the time for you to network and to really show your interest in this program. so i had to move the time of my flight, and let the ass kissing game begin.
I knew what i was going to see. and that aspect of it actually induced more anxiety in me than the actual pain-staking interviews themselves. It all comes down to who's the biggest brown noser. of course we like to think that ' let your personality shine.' Well, my personality is, I am the way I am. I am sociable and I am likeable and I want this job and I will let you know that. but i'm not going to act like my life is going to be over or you're the most awesome person I've met because you have something I want.
So to get back to the story, I postponed my flight to 2 hours later so I could attend the reception. The room was packed with applicants (of course makes you wonder how EXCLUSIVE this thing really is). Then as soon as everybody entered the room, the ass-kissing fest was so thick I could cut it with a knife. I of course found some of the people I had interviewed with, and greeted them and basically let them know that I wouldn't be able to make it to tomorrow's OTHER reception because I can't afford to spend another night in vegas. then I also was circulating to see if i can keep up my temporary sociability. Then i joined a few conversations. some guy was being so disgusting, gushing about how much he LOVED the position (to the current fellow who was talking to us both), and that he was the class president and recounting his accomplishments and reinstating how much he'd love to be considered (while i was going for the same job as well). i literally wanted to roll my eyes so badly. I'm sure that guy will go far with his disgusting flattery, but that's not how i roll.
for one, i'm not intimidated by these powersuits and the male-dominated industry route. and frankly I was quite sick with the whole process and exclusivity they purposely created with this program. Yes, i do want to work in the industry. and i do find it interesting what they do. but i dont love it enough that i'm willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. the whole deal with having THREE interviews to just be considered for a position you have to fly out for and still rejects you in the end is not that worth it. looking at the sea of applicants, my chances are like one in a million. industry has only become popular these past couple years, so how were the other positions in teh company filled? well, these people just interviewed. not three times. they did it the normal way. it's only recently when industry become 'hot', that they are creating these little banquets that less than qualified people are not allowed in, and once you get in, you have to 'network' like crazy and follow the whole process with hand-written thank-you cards (i'm not kidding, everyone was writing them, even when i was stuffing myself with salads during lunch time over the three days). so how far will this go? pretty soon i'll have to start giving Thank-You foot-massages. I may even have to start unbutton my shirt to get ahead. does it have to be like this people? It's always because one person starts doing it, and everyone follows, that it makes you look bad if you dont sent a card right away or flatter them like crazy during the 'reception'.
Yes I would like to have the job, but at what cost? Working with such people who think they are superior than others? with people who will do anything to get ahead? with people with super type-A personality? TRaveling across the country away from friends and family? have no good variety of food around and in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey? I wanted it because I believed industry people are less crazy than most pharmacy students who are super intense and cut-throat. but it's pretty much the same everywhere now, when the economy is bad.
To cut long story short, not ALL programs are like this. some of the smaller companies I interviewed with were very nice and down-to-earth, and they made me feel pretty comfortable and not an inch tall during the interview. However these are programs that i want less.
In a way i was very glad that i made it this far. I basically sailed through 8/day x 3 days = 24 interviews during the past 3 days. and i lived. and i only did things that did not work against my moral. i dont need the jobs so bad i need to compromise the type of person i am. but honestly the process did leave a bad taste in my mouth. I knew a couple people who were also interviewing from my school, as well as some of the current fellows who were graduates from our school. But that did not give me any benefit since i dont really bond with these people anyway. in fact, i dont talk to half of them and we are not friends to the point that we dont say hi to each other. but i made it through all the interviews and performed to my best and had some VERY encouraging comments from the interviewers. and i did this w/o having to do all of the above things which i find so disgusting. i hate the word 'networking'. when you 'network', people you meet are your 'contacts' you want 'something' from. and if they are no longer of use to you, you act like they do not exist. but that is not how i roll. but i can tell this strategy has worked very well for some of our past alums (and my unwillingness to association with them will bite me in the ass one day i'm sure).
Anyway. I finished them all. all twenty-four excruciating interviews plus one reception (two unattended). i did it to my best ability, and i have no regrets.
Like I mentioned before, I had arranged for around 10 interviews to be completed prior to my arrival to the conference. I already knew that THAT was going to be crazy. but when i actually got there, I signed up for the most famous program - Rutge*'s - which is associated with a multitude of some of the most famous drug companies in the world. and it was then my weekend got REAL interesting. So typically u do only one (at most two) interview during the 3 day period while you are at the conference. Most of them only see you once and go from there. If they like you enough, they might fly you out to an on-site interview. and if the programs are a little more snobby, they require a second interview at the conference. it may be booked within the same day, or a day later, but the earlier the better. But not with Rutger's. 99% of the companies associated with this program want to see you THREE friggin times before they will put on their glasses and decide who among these candidates who made it to the third round they would like to see again at their company in a couple weeks. not two, THREE interviews. So basically, they assume that your schedule is wide open. you have nothing to do in vegas but prop your feet up in your hotel room waiting for their call back. if you can't make it, too bad. and you go from interviewing with the current fellow, to last year's fellow and HR, to the top managers in the department. So with each round there is more at stake and therefore my sweat inducing. and some of the fellows of course acted like they were some big shots (because they beat out the other 250 candidates last year and made it, apparently). And the managers just stare at you, trying to induce anxienty (althoug that rarely works on me, if i dont get it, whatever, i dont need to work with a prick in the as*). So luckily, with my little background in the industry and ability to BS my way through most of it, i made it through all three rounds with all of the positions I applied for. (i'm only talking about Rutger's here.) Then you get this EXCLUSIVE invitation to their reception. i did not realize the importance of these recpetions until i was told by the fellows and the other applicants that this is THE event i need to be at. it's the time for you to network and to really show your interest in this program. so i had to move the time of my flight, and let the ass kissing game begin.
I knew what i was going to see. and that aspect of it actually induced more anxiety in me than the actual pain-staking interviews themselves. It all comes down to who's the biggest brown noser. of course we like to think that ' let your personality shine.' Well, my personality is, I am the way I am. I am sociable and I am likeable and I want this job and I will let you know that. but i'm not going to act like my life is going to be over or you're the most awesome person I've met because you have something I want.
So to get back to the story, I postponed my flight to 2 hours later so I could attend the reception. The room was packed with applicants (of course makes you wonder how EXCLUSIVE this thing really is). Then as soon as everybody entered the room, the ass-kissing fest was so thick I could cut it with a knife. I of course found some of the people I had interviewed with, and greeted them and basically let them know that I wouldn't be able to make it to tomorrow's OTHER reception because I can't afford to spend another night in vegas. then I also was circulating to see if i can keep up my temporary sociability. Then i joined a few conversations. some guy was being so disgusting, gushing about how much he LOVED the position (to the current fellow who was talking to us both), and that he was the class president and recounting his accomplishments and reinstating how much he'd love to be considered (while i was going for the same job as well). i literally wanted to roll my eyes so badly. I'm sure that guy will go far with his disgusting flattery, but that's not how i roll.
for one, i'm not intimidated by these powersuits and the male-dominated industry route. and frankly I was quite sick with the whole process and exclusivity they purposely created with this program. Yes, i do want to work in the industry. and i do find it interesting what they do. but i dont love it enough that i'm willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. the whole deal with having THREE interviews to just be considered for a position you have to fly out for and still rejects you in the end is not that worth it. looking at the sea of applicants, my chances are like one in a million. industry has only become popular these past couple years, so how were the other positions in teh company filled? well, these people just interviewed. not three times. they did it the normal way. it's only recently when industry become 'hot', that they are creating these little banquets that less than qualified people are not allowed in, and once you get in, you have to 'network' like crazy and follow the whole process with hand-written thank-you cards (i'm not kidding, everyone was writing them, even when i was stuffing myself with salads during lunch time over the three days). so how far will this go? pretty soon i'll have to start giving Thank-You foot-massages. I may even have to start unbutton my shirt to get ahead. does it have to be like this people? It's always because one person starts doing it, and everyone follows, that it makes you look bad if you dont sent a card right away or flatter them like crazy during the 'reception'.
Yes I would like to have the job, but at what cost? Working with such people who think they are superior than others? with people who will do anything to get ahead? with people with super type-A personality? TRaveling across the country away from friends and family? have no good variety of food around and in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey? I wanted it because I believed industry people are less crazy than most pharmacy students who are super intense and cut-throat. but it's pretty much the same everywhere now, when the economy is bad.
To cut long story short, not ALL programs are like this. some of the smaller companies I interviewed with were very nice and down-to-earth, and they made me feel pretty comfortable and not an inch tall during the interview. However these are programs that i want less.
In a way i was very glad that i made it this far. I basically sailed through 8/day x 3 days = 24 interviews during the past 3 days. and i lived. and i only did things that did not work against my moral. i dont need the jobs so bad i need to compromise the type of person i am. but honestly the process did leave a bad taste in my mouth. I knew a couple people who were also interviewing from my school, as well as some of the current fellows who were graduates from our school. But that did not give me any benefit since i dont really bond with these people anyway. in fact, i dont talk to half of them and we are not friends to the point that we dont say hi to each other. but i made it through all the interviews and performed to my best and had some VERY encouraging comments from the interviewers. and i did this w/o having to do all of the above things which i find so disgusting. i hate the word 'networking'. when you 'network', people you meet are your 'contacts' you want 'something' from. and if they are no longer of use to you, you act like they do not exist. but that is not how i roll. but i can tell this strategy has worked very well for some of our past alums (and my unwillingness to association with them will bite me in the ass one day i'm sure).
Anyway. I finished them all. all twenty-four excruciating interviews plus one reception (two unattended). i did it to my best ability, and i have no regrets.
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