this morning i was having breakfast with an old friend. from back in college. i was spilling lots about my rotation, and good thing he wasn't the least bit scared by my reaction (i hope). i have tried to refrain myself from talking too much or feeling too much because everyday i'm getting over it a little. but from time to time it is like PTSD, i remember scenes that have happened and they would make me very sad.
For some reason, the hawaii rotation felt like a old relationship you have with someone. it felt like a bad breakup. I was probably so hurt from it that i walked away with lots of regrets. in a way, i can't believe how much i've learned, and grown from the rotation. in that way it felt very much like a relaionship. jumping into it i had no prior experience in hospital, had no prior exposure in clinical pharmacy and what these pharmacists actually do. i had never worked with doctors before (good OR bad). and i had no time to review any material because it started the week after school ended. So today, when my preceptor was talking about the new rotation, and how there would be a learning curve, and how she didn't want to overwhelm us with too much assignment, i was thinking that i've had to handle ALL THIS. when i didn't know any better. And i was suffering so much. everyday jsut feeling bad about my incompetency. I would go home and sleep and wake up and read the guidelines until i fall asleep again. and then the next day starts. I would go in early to work up my patients just so i can have something to say during rounds. I wanted to be everything. i wanted to prove everyone including myself that i can handle it. And then when third week came around i hit rock bottom. I was crying on the way home. and i had to stop by the pharmacy just so i can get melatonin to help me sleep. i couldn't digest anything fully because i was too stressed. and i was sad from everything.
But this rotation, we have all the time in the world. we dont have to deal with physicians (good OR bad). we dont have too much reading to too. most of the time we just sit there and listen. if there's anything i'm not familiar with i am told the information. compared to before i'd be stared in the eye by the pharmacist who put you on the spot so bad that you started to doubt your own IQ. this right now is a walk in a park.
i have no physicians who would ignore me in the morning. or someone who would in appropriately flirt with me. I didn't have to show up at 6am just to work on things that no body cared about. this is like dating someone new. who is a lot more appreciative of you. who doesn't break your heart. who is nice to you and communicates with you. who you want to be married to.
i often wonder (nd my friend said so too) how i got to where i am today. a single independent girl who (seems to) care nothing about relationships and who does everything on her own, who constantly wants to challenge herself and who knows how to take care of most things in life. and i've had to explain in a way that makes sense to me, although not to others really, that ive had to learned to do all this, not because i want to beat the MEN out there. i only learned these skills because if i dont do them, nobody's gonna do it for me. and i've been single for so long that over the years i've had to do EVERYTHING. and the more you know/do, the less men find you interesting. and hence the more you have to do on your own. and the more pessimistic you are about your dating aspects. because somehow you became INTIMIDATING, or had HIGH STANDARDS, so they would say about me.
so i keep getting comments like you must have a lot of guys who hit on you/like you...and i keep having to deny it in a non-sincere way. its not even the fact that i am self-concious about my look. i am FINE with the way i looke. more than fine. i dont think i'm hot, and nobody should be allowed to say that about themselves really. but i dont get that much male attention at all. when i did, they'd stick around and act flirty, until they see my hot friends/sisters (who i'm completely fine with) and then they checked THEM out and tried to get my friends. i have not had one person prove me wrong. not one. i can list them in alphabetical orders too, these men. the most recent one, the cute french guy who i sat next to on the plane, who decided out of the blue that he would also friend-request my friend based on the fact that she looked cute. and we spent 5 hours talking on the plane before we exchanged fb information. I usualy dont do things like taht. bt he was a pleasant guy to talk to, and i didnt' get that creepy vibe from him at all. but after i realized he was trying to get to my hot friend, i blocked him.
guys do that, and they actually have the nerves to even tell me about it (how much they think my firend is cute..).
and so i am where i am today. even more pessimistic about men. even more withdrawn. because the ones i like are hard to come by, and when i do find one, they are usually married/have a gf, the ones who are single, and douchbags who are only interested me until the moment they see my better looking friend, and the ones who seemed to be interested, but never did a darn thing (he' jsut not that into you).
and i realy am fine with the way i am. I dont belong to the 2 categories of girls who men find attractive: innocent/naive looking, hot/revealing/slightly bitchy/flirts back. I am in my own catetogory. for the longest time, i thought i'd end up with someone who i will be very happy with, who would love me for me an my quirky response and my drive in life, the way i look. but i'm really not so sure anymore. i dont know how i got here. but i know this path has deviated from everyone else. and now it's jsut me, and my career.
and all i wanted was to find the person who i can be happily married to.
2009年6月30日 星期二
2009年6月29日 星期一
how i feel
about these people:
My team- throughout the 6 weeks rotation some got switched in and some got switched out. i had to collect my thoughts/feelings after a couple days before i can reach a decision about them. but here it is.
Dr. Mercer - the attending: yes, four WONDERFUL weeks with her. very complicated woman. likes to ignore me like i do not exist. however treats the pharmacists and her patients nice. cannot understand what is it about me that irritates her (although rumor says that it could be the fact that i'm a young female). no idea. but yeah, pretty much ignored my presence the whole time. thinks that she's one of the guys and made some pretty sexists comments and disrespectful comments about the patients alongside the frat boy doctors on my team. made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I can't say she's my favorite person in the world. but if she does her job well, then she's a good hospitalist with no doubt. i'll give her that.
Dr. Manibusan - the resident on the team who i first worked with. very friendly and personable. actually made me feel welcomed to the team when i first started. would ask me about my life and make me feel less insignificant on the team. even after he switched out he'd still stop and say hi and take time to talk to me. i thank God that i was lucky enough to run into him on my last day. I wanted to say thanks. so thanks.
Dr. Budd- the intern who switched out half way: a nice FEMALE doctor who was initially quiet but then very nice toward me in the end. seemed pretty shy but was actually very friendly. Just had a baby. actually told me that we were the only two females on the team that we needed to stick with each other so the maleness wont take over (lol). but then she moved onto her psych rotation and then it was just small ol' me on the team. with the frat boys.
Dr. Cox - the new intern: a nice doc. pretty hilarious at times. is open to my suggestions and is very appreciative. however does join in with the frat boy jokes at time. is married. he started being nice to me after i worked up the nerves and made some interventions. asked me about pharmacy stuff and joked around with me " no pharmacy huh? ;)" . one time when i saw him with his patient i was actually really moved to see him holding their hands. that sort of things always affect me a lot. a little gesture goes a long way.
Dr. Inocencio- the new resident: where to start, yeah the new resident who pisses me off constantly and is prolly the biggest, snobbiest ass in the world. talks like a frat boy with constant use of expletives in his language. lieks to prop his f*ing foot on any object to seem cool. constantly said f**k that or things that wish a difficult pt die soon. talked about bikes and fucking cars non stop and excluded me in EVERY conversation almost purposely. never made eye contacts with me unless absolutely have to. spoke to me in a condescending way. always had his back to me at all times. a sexist pig. yeah. i think that's pretty much all i can say about him. recently married. what woman in her right mind wants to marry THAT?! Well, actually i can't say that anymore. i think lots of women end up with men like that (this is why i'm single). the only reason why he's allowed to do this? cuz he's a smart SOB. and you know what? knowing people like that acutally makes me want to challenge myself to the max. i am gonna get THAT good. so i can kick some major asses like his.
Dr. Yuan - the attending: i had him for a week. prolly my favorite attending of the ones i had. very respectful of pharmacy suggestions and taught me a lot. i really appreciate his effort and his knowledge in nephrology.
Dr. Penguilinan - the attending: had him for a week as well. very non-serious when roudning. shot me down a couple tims when i tried to make intervention. so i definitely felt pretty useless then. cant't say i enjoyed working with him.
Bryan - the med student: coudlnt' get along with me initially. thought he was an awkward ass. but then started to figure him out. he's just a goofball. started hanging around him more because we were both students and both helped each other out. thought he was interested in my friend. enjoyed our conversation. appreciated that he always found things non-hospital related to talk to me about. was real sad when he left w/o saying goodbye.
Dr. Daggett - the intern who was there throughout the entire duration i was there: where to start? well, i first noticed him because he was nice enough to give me their pager numbers so i could find them in the morning. from beginning to end was always nice to me. although he also confused me the most too. i could never decide if he was being creepy/interested/nice. i could tell that he checked me out a lot, but then he could be doin that with other females too. (my general low opinion of men). he was not married, but i wasn't sure if he was seeing someone (neither did i want to put myself out there). would chat with me about my badge picture, my shoes, my pda cover and my clothes. (is this normal?) would encourage me when i was feelin the most down during my rotation and told me i was doing a good job (thanks). and told me things like " i bet a lot of guys were hit on you all the time" " you dont give yourself enough credit" " you would wear your little bikini" " i'll miss you when you're gone" " you must have a lot of guys kneel in front of you"--- this sort of borderline sexual harrassment comments that sent me in a fluster. he wasn't unattractive, so i wasn't disgusted with him. but i also noticed that a lot of nurses seemed to liek him. so i always kept my distance. because, nothing can come of out it. and he really probably only said that because he was a flirt, i dont know. i will miss, however, running into him in the morning. i wish things were different.
overall impression: just glad i dont have to be chasing after their tails during morning rounds anymore. never told me where they were meeting. never knew what time. never stayed in the same place. never actively included me as part of the team. probably never even noticed i was gone/didn't care. i gave it my all. and i tried my hardest to impress. and i'm spent.
i'm still feeling the sadness as i type this.
My team- throughout the 6 weeks rotation some got switched in and some got switched out. i had to collect my thoughts/feelings after a couple days before i can reach a decision about them. but here it is.
Dr. Mercer - the attending: yes, four WONDERFUL weeks with her. very complicated woman. likes to ignore me like i do not exist. however treats the pharmacists and her patients nice. cannot understand what is it about me that irritates her (although rumor says that it could be the fact that i'm a young female). no idea. but yeah, pretty much ignored my presence the whole time. thinks that she's one of the guys and made some pretty sexists comments and disrespectful comments about the patients alongside the frat boy doctors on my team. made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I can't say she's my favorite person in the world. but if she does her job well, then she's a good hospitalist with no doubt. i'll give her that.
Dr. Manibusan - the resident on the team who i first worked with. very friendly and personable. actually made me feel welcomed to the team when i first started. would ask me about my life and make me feel less insignificant on the team. even after he switched out he'd still stop and say hi and take time to talk to me. i thank God that i was lucky enough to run into him on my last day. I wanted to say thanks. so thanks.
Dr. Budd- the intern who switched out half way: a nice FEMALE doctor who was initially quiet but then very nice toward me in the end. seemed pretty shy but was actually very friendly. Just had a baby. actually told me that we were the only two females on the team that we needed to stick with each other so the maleness wont take over (lol). but then she moved onto her psych rotation and then it was just small ol' me on the team. with the frat boys.
Dr. Cox - the new intern: a nice doc. pretty hilarious at times. is open to my suggestions and is very appreciative. however does join in with the frat boy jokes at time. is married. he started being nice to me after i worked up the nerves and made some interventions. asked me about pharmacy stuff and joked around with me " no pharmacy huh? ;)" . one time when i saw him with his patient i was actually really moved to see him holding their hands. that sort of things always affect me a lot. a little gesture goes a long way.
Dr. Inocencio- the new resident: where to start, yeah the new resident who pisses me off constantly and is prolly the biggest, snobbiest ass in the world. talks like a frat boy with constant use of expletives in his language. lieks to prop his f*ing foot on any object to seem cool. constantly said f**k that or things that wish a difficult pt die soon. talked about bikes and fucking cars non stop and excluded me in EVERY conversation almost purposely. never made eye contacts with me unless absolutely have to. spoke to me in a condescending way. always had his back to me at all times. a sexist pig. yeah. i think that's pretty much all i can say about him. recently married. what woman in her right mind wants to marry THAT?! Well, actually i can't say that anymore. i think lots of women end up with men like that (this is why i'm single). the only reason why he's allowed to do this? cuz he's a smart SOB. and you know what? knowing people like that acutally makes me want to challenge myself to the max. i am gonna get THAT good. so i can kick some major asses like his.
Dr. Yuan - the attending: i had him for a week. prolly my favorite attending of the ones i had. very respectful of pharmacy suggestions and taught me a lot. i really appreciate his effort and his knowledge in nephrology.
Dr. Penguilinan - the attending: had him for a week as well. very non-serious when roudning. shot me down a couple tims when i tried to make intervention. so i definitely felt pretty useless then. cant't say i enjoyed working with him.
Bryan - the med student: coudlnt' get along with me initially. thought he was an awkward ass. but then started to figure him out. he's just a goofball. started hanging around him more because we were both students and both helped each other out. thought he was interested in my friend. enjoyed our conversation. appreciated that he always found things non-hospital related to talk to me about. was real sad when he left w/o saying goodbye.
Dr. Daggett - the intern who was there throughout the entire duration i was there: where to start? well, i first noticed him because he was nice enough to give me their pager numbers so i could find them in the morning. from beginning to end was always nice to me. although he also confused me the most too. i could never decide if he was being creepy/interested/nice. i could tell that he checked me out a lot, but then he could be doin that with other females too. (my general low opinion of men). he was not married, but i wasn't sure if he was seeing someone (neither did i want to put myself out there). would chat with me about my badge picture, my shoes, my pda cover and my clothes. (is this normal?) would encourage me when i was feelin the most down during my rotation and told me i was doing a good job (thanks). and told me things like " i bet a lot of guys were hit on you all the time" " you dont give yourself enough credit" " you would wear your little bikini" " i'll miss you when you're gone" " you must have a lot of guys kneel in front of you"--- this sort of borderline sexual harrassment comments that sent me in a fluster. he wasn't unattractive, so i wasn't disgusted with him. but i also noticed that a lot of nurses seemed to liek him. so i always kept my distance. because, nothing can come of out it. and he really probably only said that because he was a flirt, i dont know. i will miss, however, running into him in the morning. i wish things were different.
overall impression: just glad i dont have to be chasing after their tails during morning rounds anymore. never told me where they were meeting. never knew what time. never stayed in the same place. never actively included me as part of the team. probably never even noticed i was gone/didn't care. i gave it my all. and i tried my hardest to impress. and i'm spent.
i'm still feeling the sadness as i type this.
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