please allow me one more day of sullenness...

the fiasco last night left me really disturbed. and i didn't get much sleep.

My best friend called me at 2am because she had seen my msg and was worried. and we talked for a while on the phone, after which i felt slightly more comforted. but i still had a sleepless night. I was remembering all the times i had with H and all the pain i was going through. I was remembering how hurt I was. I was remembering about my high school years which i purposely block out of my mind for obvious reasons. I am hating that I live so close to all the landmarks where we had so much memories at. I was feeling that knowing i will be seeing him again or that he is going to be told about where I work and how i am put me in great distress. I was feeling like i am 19 again. except this time, i'm actually 26. I was feeling all the emotions i hadn't been feeling for a while.

I also felt horribly about the way i treated his mom. she was always so nice to me and inviting. but i couldn't deal with the consequence of recognizing her because i couldn't very well tell her how big of an ass her son was to me. she wouldn't be on my side because afterall, he's HER son. It was absurb that i decided to take off my name tag just so that i wouldn't be recognized. very silly and futile.

my head still hurts from the fatigue from work and the sleepless night. and i have a final in 2 days.

i wish things weren't like this. i wish i was never anybody's ex.

but it get's better from here, right?

my 2nd worst nightmare

Yes. something major happened today. and i'm still shaken from it. and very upset.

When I started working at the pharmacy i realized that the chances of running into people i dont want to see are pretty darn high, considering i serve about 500/day and most of them live in or around Pasadena. I could easily run into someone from high school, or someone who i'd love to punch out, namely, my ex (and there's only one).

But i never thought that it would be today, a week after my pretty low key Valentine's day, just when i feEL pretty good about having a sweet life with close friends and am A-OKAY with being single. No i didn't run into my ex, i ran into HIS MOM. last time i talked to her was 8 years ago, right after the break up. she was nice and we talked briefly on the phone, and i was in tears. and then we never spoke again because obviously, me and hunter never got back together. and i no loner wish to have anything to do with him, or know what he's been doing. If anything I prolly wished him ill. I had hoped that he signed himself for a trip to Iraq, or possibly had some tragic accident, or maybe moved out of state, or got screwed over big time by someone. In anycase, i wanted him to be UNHAPPY (yea,very mature of me). But i never was a big believer in acting civil toward your ex bf. No body has to be civil to anybody, in my opinion.

So what did he do exactly to warrant such ill meaning wishes? well, here's just a few i can think of:

1) breaking up over the PHONE
2) acting like an asshole to me after the breakup
3) saying horrible things to me that killed my confidence for a while (you never thought you would hear such words coming out of the mouth of someone you liked so much before)
4) taking back the present he once gave me for valentine's day or one of our anniversaries (i know, what an asshole)
5) tried to string me along when he moved back to CA and then tried to break up with me again
...

Anyway, yeah, i was screwed pretty bad. and i wonder why i've become so pessimistic about love and am so guy-phobic right now. I just dont see the point of going out with someone who's eventually goin to break up with you. And who is to say that once i get the person to marry me it will last forever? the kind of relationship i am looking for doesn't exist anymore. The people i find myself attracted to nowadays have gf/ are engaged/married. there is no single availabe nice boys who have eyes for you and only you.

And the saddest part is, i went to the back and took off my name tag so that she wouldnt' REALLY recognize me (although i'm sure she's spot my flustered face). and then she called my name out so i had to make conversations with her. she was there with my ex's aunt who was picking up a Rx (i had suspected that people in their family pick up their prescriptions there because i recognize the last name, but thought it was only a coincidence). so i found out that he's still in the area, running a business, and lives pretty closeby (probably too close). and she also waid that she would let my ex know that she ran into me (WHY? OH GOD WHY?). I've finally managed to feel safe again back home knowing the chances of running into him is slim to none. now he knows where i work and will one day march in with a girl in his arm to see my being belittled by rude-ass patients or sweat like a pig during work.

I really wish that i had dated during the past 8 years. i'm a loser in love in so many friggin ways.

p.s. and did i mention that I had to do all this in front of a customer? she could TOTALLY tell what went on, and yet she was very understanding, and nice about it. Bless her soul...

New computer!

*pictures taken with the webcam in my new laptop*

So..the story being, my old VAIO, which has been with me for the past 6 years or so, broke down awhile ago. It's been having problems but i managed to prolong its life by carrying it back to tw with me to get it fixed. But what do you know, as soon as i get back, the same problem with the hard drive shows again. It gave me great distress because i am extremely reluctant to buy computer here in the US because 1) i want a chinese operating system (yeah i know what you're thinking) and 2) i need a keyboard with chinese characters on it and 3) it's cheaper is tw and 4) you get to get all the extra softwards without actually having to spend a fortune (another thing very taiwanese of me).

And I must emphasize, the reason why i extremely need chinese OS and keyboard is because i do browse though chinese websites, and having an english OS is kind of annoying because some websites would appear to be 亂碼 to me. no matter how good my Double Bridge is (name of a chiinese language software you can install on your american PC). or i could be using my sister's Apple, which is multilingual, and still have this problem. And i need a chinese keyboard because, i still have people i need to type in chinese with and although i can manage Ping Ying, it's still extremely inconvenient.

Long story short, there happens to be a taiwanese owned computer store close to my house. It's been there for years and i never visited because of reasons listed above. But we decided to check it out because i'd rather do that than go straight to CompUSA where there is absolutely no hope in getting a OS in a different language without the salesperson mocking me. ;)

And what do you know? they do carry stuff in chinese and the store owner was extremely helpful and friendly and suggested the offer that i traded in my old one to get $300 off, which i gladly accepted after much contemplating. it also comes with a shoulder bag and an extra battery (YES!).

So i am now playing with my PINK VAIO :D...completed with Traditional Chinese OS as well as chinese Windows Office 2007, a CD burner, a built-in webcam, free spywares, a non-chinese keyboard but with 注音stickers on it....and light as a feather...and it's PINK...

Yeah i know, I'm a dork.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY PEOPLE! <3

yes....Valentine's day has come and gone. As one blogger eloquently puts it, it's like the Superbowl for all daters. The restaurants come out with couple's menu that burns a hole in your pocket, and the chocolates and balloons everywhere....

I realize the approaching of Valentine's day probably during the month of January every year, reason being, at the pharmacy i work at, as soon as Halloween is over, Xmas is celebrated, and as soon as New year's is over it's all about Valentine's day. and I'm not actually bitter about it at all. I enjoy all the cutesy merchandise they put on the shelf. I just have to wait until the day AFTER valentine's day to get them while they are on sale. It's definitely one of the pluses of being single on Vday because you can always get the gifts for yourself after not before. :P

so how did i spend MY valentine's day? Well, actually in a company of my best friend who also happens to be single. Neither of us was really in the mood to go out and party our asses off (because i'm simply too old for that stuff, and standing in line ANYWHERE on valentine's day sans a bf just seems a bit desperate. I'm sure sleazeballs in bars everywhere in the US will use that vulnerability to their advantage), and I am simply not anti-valentine's either (we need more love in this world for sure). So we just had a pig-out, chick-flick marathon type of night. Which i have no objection to, either.

so we met up and had this delicious dinner at the Curry House on Sawtelle, and I ordered this incredible Katsu with curry in a stone pot. and post dinner we stopped for some frozen yogurt and Pudding Milk Tea. then we watched some parts of Sleepless in Seattle and then the entire What Happens in Vegas before we called it a night. Lots of fun and lots of girl chats. And for some reason, I realized at the end of the day that it was actually a pretty great vday after all. I know I self-pity in my blog a lot about my single status. But truthfully, since i have no expectation whatsoever pertaining to vday and how it's going to go down, I can just hang out with my best friend and catch up on things. She might be gone next year for grad school, so who knows how long this can last? :)

Minsky's