BIG PUSSY (pardon the vulgarity) :(

gosh i'm such a big pussy!!! I cannot believe this had happened again.

I'm sorry that I've used this horrible language, but i was so mad/frustrated at my whole attractive-man-phobia today that i really, really have to call myself that.

So the thing is, a few weeks back, the organization i'm involved with on campus invited some industry reps to come and talk to us about working in the pharmaceutical industry. And living the boring, manless life i have right now i was naturally paying more attention to this particular guy who is now a fellow at this company. He's all around cute, attractive, and very friendly. However the event was something like a round table session, where each rep has to answer questions from 5-6 students. Yes i was on the board and naturally i had to take care of the food and the set up and what not, but i really shouldnt' have used this as an excuse NOT to talk to him. So i pretended to be busy because apparently, everytime when there seemed to bea chance i got somewhat jittery and cold feet, and ended up talking to i'd say 10 of guys from his company old enough to be my dad. and got ALL of their business cards.

To remedy the situation, i promised my self that, maybe i'll send all the industry reps a thank-you via e-mail. And HE kindly responded and gave me more pointers as to how to go about applying for a fellowship and what not.

So today my org help another event where we invite more of these reps back, and he was amongst them. it could have been the perfect opportunity to thank him for his advice and to further the conversation. and I LIKE AN IDIOT WALKED PASS HIM 10x TIMES! at one point i even sat down across from him but started talking to this other guy in his company so he ended up talking to another student! WHAT THE FREAK AM I DOING? and he stuck around for a very long time too, getting up to get the ice tea, taking mini breaks, while i LOOKED ON from the other side of the room, usually occupied by another guest from the event because i'd talk to anyone but HIM!

Oh GOD....IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I'M SUPER SELF-CONCIOUS ABOUT MYSELF AND RELATIVELY UNINTERESTED IN FEMALE COMPETITION. bUT IT'S ANOTHER STORY WHEN I'M HAVE SUCH BAD SOCIAL ANXIETY WITH GUYS I LIKE. THIS IS WHY I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE. (sorry for the morbidicity). i just...can't even make up an excuse for my behavior tonight. T_T