Worry worry

I have been back a couple days now, and when you have nothing to do, your mind runs wild.
Anyone who knows me knows,that it's not a secret, that I've been thinking about leaving school. I've been thinking about it since 3 years ago, even before I applied. So it's reasonable when my sister asked, why now? I should have already figured it out 3 years ago. The answer is complicated:

First of all, when i volunteered at the pharmacies, I knew I hated it. But considering what I studied in college, there's only really a couple choices i have. I could go into healthcare, research, or throw myself into the business world. I had a job at a lab for 2 years, and I absolutely cannot fathom myself being in that work enviornment. I dont know if i can really work on something for a couple years, and may I remind you, the bio labs STINK. As an entry level researcher you pretty much grow bacteria/yeast that smell like crap so you can work on the molecular stuff. The sight of petri dishes make me barf.
I felt at the time that healthcare is a sure-fire way to guarantee good jobs, good pay, and there is always a shortage, so why not healthcare? Specifically pharmacy, good hours, good pay, and not as demanding as medicine. I was sold. The decision was made my junior year in college.

Since then, I've been targetting everything I do toward getting into pharm school, the GE's I took, the summer school I took, the extracurricular activities I signed up for, the professors who I tried to meet, everything. I made myself volunteer once a week, for 2 years, at different pharmacies, just so I can stand out from other candidates with my qualifications.

And then I realized how much it wasn't for me. But i had invested too much time I couldn't go back. Going back means that I worked so hard for nothing. So I continued with the application process with a million doubts in my head, but I couldn't go back. I coudln't shake off the feelings that I wasn't being completely honest in my application, and I had to even convince the interviewees that this is what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I think secretly I was hoping that I wouldnt' get in, so i can use that as a reason to leave the track i'm on and pursue something else.

But I did get in. And I couldn't not go. Everyone was so joyous that I felt that maybe my hardwork did pay off. So I went, and I hated every minute of it. I didn't really like my classmates but a few. We have these stupid frats that people get so passionate about. Everything has to revolve around it. I'm in a class with 80% girls, who don't really share all that much in common with me ethnically. I have no problem hanging with people from diff backgrounds, but I couls jsut tell that no matter how hard I try I still am an outsider looking in at their little cliques. My hair started falling out, i had really bad eczema during exam season that drov3 me crazy. I never felt like studying because I could no longer pretend that I care about diabetes mellitus at all. My apititute changet is singing so loud I could no longer ignore it. But i can't go back.

I applied for jobs and started working at a pharmacy. And i HATED it. I was yelled at by customers almost every time i come in. I jsut wasnt' getting the job satisfaction I was looking for. I was sick of having to perform mindless tasks like filling prescription, typing up prescription, dealing with insurance, dealing with irate customers, dealing with technicians who doubt my ability, dealing with pharmacists who abuse the interns.

But I can't go back, I already spent 4 years in colelge studying for bio (at the time it was fun), I tailored all my classes toward pharmacy prerequisites. If i dont do this anymore, I'm wasting the knowledge I have in my head right now. And what else can I do if not pharmacy?

So my confidence is experiencing a new low. When I was younger I was excited about the opportunities I may have when I grow up, I may be going to a really good school, I may be meeting a really cool guy at school, I may be diogn soething I really like. But now I am 24, I absolutely hated the field I am in, and I have put in a LOT more expectations into my future relationsihps hoping it would alleviate all my pain (which is impossible). So there is no one, because school and work take up 80% of my time and the rest I'm sitting on my ass studying for good practices of pharmacy or compounding a cream. And I feel empty.

If i continue with this, I may or may not thank myslef when I get out in 3 years. But 3 years is a long time, esp when you're living it.

I feel that I cannot let my parents down, who think that i'm well onto my future career. It would be such a dissapointment to them and to my relatives that someone who they always deemed bright has become a drop out. And how might I explain to my future employer why i lack references (because the professors and my boss from the places I drop out from definitely will not write me one).

And it was reasonable when my sister pointed out that, pharmacy is not the only way to make a living. It's not that or beggin on the street. I've just limited myself for so long that I can't see other possibilities. It may be true, but considering for the past 4 years i only learned about things relating to pharmacy/science, having no remote business knowledge at all, it would be difficult for me to start brand new somewhere else.

But I can't go back. The stake is too high. I can't disspoint myself and everyone. But if i keep going i can't turn back. And next thing I know, I will be 27, graduating with a lot more regrets than I do right now.