and on a superficial note...

and if anybody wants to know...there's probably no aspect of meeting someone here. why? same as everywhere else. married, married and the ones who aren't you probably dont want to date them (for now anyway).

and we are not really allowed to wonder around the building or into other cubicles. so i talk to the same 6 people on my team and some who sit close to me.

:-/

first one after the new rotation!

Whew ok! i'm gonna use the next....8 min to write about my latest rotation and why i've been disappearing. simple: CRAZINESS AT WORK!

So my rotation is at Baxter. And i have NO experience working in the industry before. and yes, i was extremely paranoid and anxious on my first day (yesterday). I literally was sweating bullets. Everything was different. I had my cubicle (huge) and i was assigned to a team who's in charge of their immunoglobulins. so BIG shoes to fill. I of course, know nothing about the industry terms and jargons. And my reasons for wanting to work in the industry at this moment sounded extremely weak. i couldn't even really defend it, in front of my preceptor. She's very assertive, very strong and knows what she wants and what she needs and what her goals are. she's only been working with them for 5 years post pharm d graduation and already she is the assistent director. So yes, i'm realizing that i will have to bust my ass to try to impress her. It doesn't help that everyone on my team (who are all very nice, btw) are EXTREMELY bright. so much that i seem very very clueless about what i know as a student who's trying her foot in industry.

So far i think i get along with everyone. i spend most of my time reading up on a 6 inch thick binder about everything you can think of about our products and LOTS and LOTS of immunology review and CE. My tailbone literally hurts from sitting and reading too much. I guess that could be one aspect of industry that can be bothersome. THAT and a lot of the strategics talk and logistics. I still dont know if i would be a good fit.

On the other hand, i must say this is the BEST work environment i've worked in in a while. I have my own cubicle that is stocked with everything. anything i need, just ask. the kitchen is great and the coffee machine is awesome. it's one of those you can stick in your individual pouch and out pours your coffee. and lots and lots of tea and coffee selections. and we are situated minutes away from a huge shopping center and i get to take nice relaxing lunch breaks under the sun. people are all very industry-like. if you know what i mean. everybody is chill, and we all get a long (well, on the surface anyway). but really. the people are extremely cool to work with. It's hard to believe that i've worked 3 year in retail in that tiny space filled with bottles and just filled and filled and it felt almost claustrophobic. and i was seeing my pharmacists who never took real lunch breaks and that was how i picture all pharmacists to be. Everybody in the company gets to travel. A LOT. it's for business but still the thought of going to Vienna or Sao Paolo for a conference sounds like this job is right up my alley.

But it's also not like the hospital in a way you only deal with ONE drug and you have to think like a business person. what sells, what can we do to make it sell, who do we need to talk to....am i ready for that? am i BUILT for that? lots of unanswered questions that need to be answered right now.

and i miss the spontaneity. yes, when you take a more direct role doing clinical pharmacy alongside physicians and nurses and patients. it can be frustrating at times, as i learned from my medicine rotation. but here you are making a difference, but indirectly and you DONT konw if your product is actually better. you kind of have to convince people that it is. i hope i'm making sense so far.

anyway, from what i've learned so far, it's gonna be HARD to break into industry, as i was told by my preceptor who was VERY good when she was a student and interviewed everywhere.

i need more positive messages in my life. :/

tomorrow is a new day....

Finally after 7 weeks of doing a whole lot of nothing (in terms of studying and getting ready for the board) then finally getting sick, I am ready for the first day of "work" tomorrow. Over the weekend I moved most of my work clothes over to get ready for my industry rotation in Thousand Oaks. It is a bit scary because i've never done industry before and therefore have no experience in it. I am somewhat terrified that I will look dumb on my first day. But also I am really hoping this will be an eye opening experience for me since I have no idea whether to go into industry or hospital (if they will have me) 8 months from now. If i dont suck too much, maybe i can even get a rec letter out of it (fingers crossed).

I'm really not enjoying this anxiety. not knowing what to expect. but i've had the same feelings before right before my medicine rotation. This can't be worse, right? at least i dont have to constantly pull from my clinical background (and i have NONE). but at the same time, i'm a HORRIBLE writer. so if i have to review any medical literature and come up with a somewhat presentable material, it will be a ridiculous piece due to my misplaced articles.

ok, ok, no freaking out today. gotta go blow my nose now.

caught the flu...

how could this be happening?

so 2 days ago it was one of hottest days in LA and i thoroughly enjoyed using other people's AC by visiting different coffeeshops/bookstore/hairdresser's. and that night i started runny nose. The morning after i woke up with killer sore throat and just general fatigue. i felt so crappy that i had to cancel a prior appt with a friend. then i pretty much stayed home all day. Last night it escalated a little. I woke up at 4am with just this really nauseaus feelings. but i wasn't able to throw up or really "go" in the bathroom. the rest of the day i felt really weak and i had to cancel another appt due to my condition.

I started measuring my oral temp, and it was consistently 98.6F which is the highest end of the normal range. i just felt like i had this low grade fever all day long that is making it impossible for me to really sleep restfully or even read in bed. periodically i'd get out of bed to eat and drink a little (so far cranberry/apple juice).

i read online that during summer time most young people who contract the flu most likely have H1N1 (shit!). and i pretty much have most of the symptoms: runny nose, sore throat, diarrhea, low grade fever, weakness in muscles. but nothing urgent that i need to immediately be treated for like chest pain or high fever or altered mental status. I am following the CDC guide and just stay home until i'm fever free.

how this happened i have NO IDEA. it definitely sucks that i caught the flu. now i'm trying to protect my family by staying at least 6 feet from them and alcohol disinfect my hands when i've touched the remote or used the bathroom. I try to stay in my room most of the time and it's driving me crazy.

and i look like shit. i haven't showered in three days and my hair is disgusting.

sick today

i woke up with a pretty bad runny nose that continued from last night despite my good effort of taking that super disgusting alka seltzer which almost made me puke. and my body was aching all over and my sore throat made swallowing breakfast really difficult.

i'm hoping i'ts not swine flu or anything. judging from the fact that i haven't had really bad fever and chills and n/v/d i should be fine. hopefully it's only bacterial. but still. 4 more days til next rotation. this is BAD news.

and now everyone's out of the house becuase they dont want to catch it from me. what am i gonna have for lunch after i drag myself out of bed???

wrestled with internet again

So today somewhere in the middle of my email writing it stopped working again. I tried everything i knew (which is not much). rebooted everything, checked my computer settings, nothing worked. so the problem lied with my wireless router as i found out later (great). I called Linksys and of course my call was transferred to some non-US facility. the lady managed to get my internet from Time Warner disconnected while setting the router back to default. great. So i had to hang up, call Time Warner to resend the signal, and call linksys back. This time a different guy with a even thicker accent answered. He wouldn't help me change the security settings of my router so my PDA could pick up the signal because he said his job was done once the router was working with my computer. (FYI: you have to set your router on a specific channel/as well as either WPA or WEP in order to get it to work with your PDA). and he didn't even know what a PDA was and asked me to explain. WTF!

At this point i was ready to give up. I called up another techinical support i've tried before who charged for their service. And apparently the package i paid for last time was only good for a week of support. I would have to pay an additional $70 for them to help me configure my router/PDA.

Although over the years i've somewhat trained myself to be a little tech/auto savvy due to the fact that 1) i dont have a bf who can help me with all that stuff and 2) i have 98% female friends.

There are days when you think dating someone from the Geek Squad is the fartherest thing from your mind, and there are days when you think you would give up a muscle man to go out with a geek. Today would be a good day to date one.

should i stay or should i go now

Yesterday was the first of the many events that can potentially affect my immediate future- residency showcase. Lately I've been thinking a lot about doing it or at least a fellowship and where i might want to do it. Ideally, in a different city. But i was sharing those sentiments with my parents who are in town and they did not like what they heard. I was told that i should probably check out some of the hospitals closer to where we live and so i can continue living HERE. this was not the first time we had this discussion about how much i hate LA and want to move out. So i was feeling pretty frustrated.

I went and checked out most of the programs..and i liked what i saw. the residents and the directors were nice and friendly. And even though i knew the chances of me getting into the top programs were as slim as a needle, i enjoyed talking to them and finding out the information i wanted to know. Basically, with some programs you could structure it however way you want it. there's some core rotations, some inpatient, some ambulatory. But there's a good variety so you're exposed to everything. I might even apply to some of the programs i had not considered before.

So the question is, should i stay or should i go? Again i'm sure somehow i will come back here or go 'home home' when i'm done with all the craziness. But right now my mentality is very much getting the heck out of here. even if it's only san diego. I understand that if i stayed in LA i'll have more opportunities to be with my family when they visit. But also dont thinkg being in my late twenties and living home is a good idea. I miss it when i had roommates and was actively meeting people and having a social life. and i REALLY need to do that for my own sake so i can feel like an independent woman again.



Of course, now that i've spent so much time in soCal, most of my friends will be here after we graduate. And I really enjoy the fact that i can go get a drink after work and rant about rotation/school after a really long day. And on the weekends i can hang out with another group and just be comfortable with who i am. these are the things i will have to give up once i move. Because let's face it, a lot of things can go wrong when you're by yourself in a different city. you could have a super inconsiderate roommate, or colleagues who you dont get along with, and residency programs that drive you insane and pay you pocket change for the time you put in. and within 3 weeks you'd want to go home. yes these are indeed very concerning risks. but i think im still young enough to face all that challenges before i really committ myself to a long-term job back home and stay with that company until i'm fifty (or whenever i'm laid off). I'd like to use the last couple years in my twenties being adventurous and career oriented and possibly get the love life going again after a super long hiatus (which made people suspect that i was actually a lesbian).

so now i gotta convince my parents that it's a good idea, AFTER i get in.