LOVIN' THE NEW LAYOUT

haha yes..after one year of the same ol' thing i finally changed my layout! This looks awesome..i'm lovin' it so much i think i'm gonna have to keep it..for ANOTHER YEAR.. haha.

Ok so aside from that. i had a SUPER productive day. i woke up this morning feelin kinda groggy and whatnot. had a big healthy breakfast with whole grain + flaxseed toast and soy yogurt and beef franks and milk + multi vitamin, and went back to sleep some more. gotta maximize my day off! then i made myself a salad upon waking up and got ready to leave for the coffeeshop to study. I was super efficient at Starbucks and finished 80% of my final presenation. now i just have to fill in some of the blanks and make slides out of it but basically the whole things is done. That should free up a lot of my time this weekend with my parents.

speaking of my parents, who are arriving in less than 24 hr (yay!), I have been systematically cleaning the house in which i made a total mess. I believe it's been more than half a year since i even vaccuum the floor. AFter finals i left for hawaii immediately and when i came back i started my 2nd rotation right away, which left me no time to organize any of my notes or to put things back where they belong. So after my productive 4 hrs at starbucks, i went to the mall (Express) to exchange a slightly inappropriate skirt for some more work clothes, had a quick dinner with a close friend at Cheesecake (yummy appetizers) and went home to clean til about 11pm. whew. what a day. which made me extremely tired... i'm sure i'll be feeling the backache tomorrow morning. Oh well, at least that keeps my mind busy.

a friend leaves tomorrow. i don't like goodbyes!

negativity

so before i meet anyone who can prove me wrong, i'm gonna say i have no luck with men i like

case in point: guys who are attracted to people AROUND me but not me, guys who already have gfs, guys who only hit on me because they've been single forever...

what did i do wrong in my past life? ;)

thoughts

So i finally met up with a friend who did the rotation with me in HI for the first time. i was able to talk freely about the experience and have someone be able to relate to it. last time i saw her we were saying our goodbyes to Tripler with lots of sentimentality and now we are both back in LA carrying on with our lives. i guess things do change pretty quickly dont they. i am now at the end of my second rotation and preparing for a presentation AGAIN, and before i know it, i'll be done with 1/3 of my rotations and finally go on a break. i NEED that break desperately. mentally i've already checked out 5 weeks ago at the end of my medicine. i literally went from my excruciating 2nd semester into both my rotations. i need to take a break and just BREATHE. and SLEEP.

Aside from that, lots of goodbyes for the upcoming months. 2 of my closest friends will be departing for B school. and i just had my final farewell dinner with one on sunday. and 2 of my close roommates will be married by the end of the year, so there's some adjustment to do as well (mostly having to look REALLY happy and REALLY comfortable at the single's table).

I guess being busy helps with the goodbyes since i will have less time to focus on it. but also i'm sure i'll be thinking lots about my upcoming rotations and where i want to be. right now i'm looking at some critical care ones in norCal to see if i can handle stressful situations. if i really do a bad job 5 months after having my medicine rotation then i know residencies and i are just not meant to be. ;)

need..to..get..pictures..out..

so today i realized that i have another unexpected reader of my blog...or rather follower of my blog. which again made me somewhat embarrassed. For those who dont actually talk to me on a daily bases and only read about my life i probably sound like a depressed maniac everyday with lots of anger..who has no life, and enjoys nothing...

IT'S NOT TRUE!

I do get out of the house and do "stuff"...all kinds of "stuff"...random stuff, dorky stuff, family stuff, friend stuff, fun stuff, boring stuff, and work/school related stuff...but i think my blog is starting to give people the wrong idea..;)

DISCLAIMER: I only blog when i feel down!! yep. i realized that i started this blog because I wanted to be positive, i wanted to record the happy thoughts in my life..and look what i've done NOW. Perhaps i should start ANOTHER blog and stick to the happy thought STRICLY. so people are not gonna be calling in prescriptions for Paxil or Zoloft for me. Maybe i should take them, but not right now (or yet). ;)

So yeah, i'll be working on my photos for the next couple days so i can get my Hawaii pictures out soon. So people won't actually think i sat in my room and did nuthin' when i was 2 thousand miles away from home (or is it 1,000 miles?). anyway...be looking out for the pictures in your mailbox..soon. :P

you get out of your experience however much time you put in

yes. i need to drill that into my head. and stop doubting myself. my thoughts usually end with "can i do it?" or " they wont take me" or "i'm going to be miserable and regret my decisions". i dont know how else i can self-talk myself into being more positive about everything in life (as you can tell now from my blog lately).

just give it your all and you wont regret anything.

A cathartic experience

After coming home for so long...i'm starting to be able to really look at the HI experience objectively and dissect it completely. And I must say that I am about 70% recovered. I am starting to listen to the music i liked before i left and enjoy my ME time more and enjoy the presence of my friends. Today I was finally able to write the evalutation for the organization I am in so people in the future will learn the in's and out's of this rotation. I was finally able to breakdown my likes and dislikes of the rotation and what i liked about each component of it. I was able to give constructive suggestions on how to improve your experience at this site and what you can expect. I am hoping that, through my expereince the next student will be able to avoid the pitfalls and really get the most out of it. I did learn a lot, in many ways. About myself and about others. I've learned that I am tougher than i think. I was stressed everyday from having to deal with the hostility from some of the doctors but i didn't sink. i was able to give it my all and walked away with the guidelines in my head and the clinical pearls. i was able to retain the good habit of always showing up super early and reading up on anything questions that come up during discussion. I was able to manage up to 18 pts at a time even when it was only the 2nd week of my rotation. i was able to speak up during rounds and make intervention even though i got shot down sometimes by the attending physicians. i was able to sit through all that male-oriented discussion about everything i hate and not kill everyone in the room (haha). I have become more assertive, in answering questions and thinking critically and finding out answers and in dealing with other members of the healthcare team.

and i've become more driven. I have come to realize how little i really know. So maybe this is the upside of my PTSD experience. during my free time i read different literature because i know one day this will all be useful. I am a lot more serious now about doing a residency/fellowship. be a cheaper labor for a couple years before i can reach that dream job. i mean..it's probably going to suck, and i will really regret it when i work 14 days straight and pull 10 hr days. but hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel. hopefully...

(if not, i'll really have to come up with a Plan B...)